How to Protect Your Children from Negative Lifestyles

Hello everybody and welcome to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, your host. And today what I want to talk to you about is a strategy that I came up with, oh, several years ago about prevention. And the reason that I came up with this strategy was because at the time I was teaching Parents on a Mission, and some of the parents that I was teaching, they would say to me, you know what, Richard R Ramos, what you're teaching is great, it's really been helpful, but I have younger children and I don't want them to go down the same road as their brother or their older sister. So what do I do? How can I prevent them from, you know, doing those same things, whether it was joining the gang or drugs or dropping out of school and all the different issues that I was dealing with at the time when I was the at-risk counselor at the junior high school. And the truth is, I didn't have an answer. I didn't know what to say to them. I, I would kind of just say, I'm not sure, but let me think about it. And the reason for that was I didn't want to come up with this, I don't know, pie in the sky or some fake or phony quick fix answer. That I knew wasn't going to work. I had to really think about it, and it really started to bother me that I didn't have an answer, a solution, or at least a suggestion of— these parents are asking me, what can I do to prevent my little children from going down the wrong road? But what happened was I started doing some research And I came across a statistic that just— the light went on. It was a clue. And what that statistic said was that when children reach the ages from 12 to 15, those were the dangerous years. Those were the pressure years. Those were the years where the kids are now in junior high school, high school, and the pressure's there and the temptation's there and the opportunity is there. Much more than it is when they are in elementary school. So when I saw that, I said, okay, that gave me a clue of how I could develop a strategy that I call the home field advantage. Now, sports, you know what I mean by the home field advantage, but if you don't, let me just simply quickly explain that What I mean by the home field advantage in sports, when you're playing against another team, a competitor, your competition, when they come to your school or to your home field or wherever it is that you play your home games, that should give you an advantage. And that's why it's called the home field advantage. It's your field or your court. Most of the people in the stands are on your fans, and you're in your city, you didn't have to travel. So those things should give you an advantage. And when I saw that time frame, that from 0 to 12, that until 12 you really don't have a lot of competition, as you hear me talk about all the time, the competition for the mind. The competition for the soul and ultimately the loyalty of your children, that competition again in general doesn't really start until 12 years old, then that should give you an advantage if you know that, if you're thinking about it. But a lot of times parents don't, we don't have a strategy. We're not thinking about how do I strategize to keep my kids from going down the wrong road by the time they get old enough to start going down that wrong road. And so this is the strategy that I developed, and I want to share it with you, that I call, again, the Home Field Advantage. So what I said then, if kids are with their parents most of the time from that, in that time span, then what should be happening from the time— in the time frame when child— a child is born to 2 years old, what should be happening in their life? And then when from 2 years old to 5 years old, that's another time frame of childhood. And then from 5 years old to 12 years old, before they hit that age where there's more temptation So this is why I call it a strategy, because if you're understanding that you have a 12-year window to maximize your influence, your attachment, your relationship with your children, at least for sure for the first 5 years before they even go to school. So I broke it up into these 3 time frames. and I explain the different role that you have as a parent in these time frames. So the first time frame, from 0 to 2, I call that the role of the gardener, or if you like, uh, nurturer. This is what you are doing in this time frame. This is what's important. You are nurturing that little infant and you are building their soul. You're building their, even their mind. I have a study that shows that the mind of a child starts developing in the womb as embryos. Their mind is already being developed, which is why we want pregnant mothers to take care of themselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, because that child is receiving everything inside the womb of the mother. So in this time frame, I like to call it the, the gardener role, because you are nurturing that little soul. So you're nurturing the tenderness of emotions. I'm not going to write, I'll just tell you the tenderness of emotions. In the class, everybody has a notebook so they can write it down, but I'll just read it to you. You're— secondly, you're nurturing during that time frame the reasoning of their mind, because again, like I said, their mind and their brain is already being developed based on the emotional and interaction, the physical touch and hugging and kissing and all of those things. You're also nurturing the loyalty of their free will. Now obviously they can't know all these things But that's exactly what's happening. You're making an attachment, a choice for them to latch on to you because they've been in you and now they've come out of you. The umbilical cord is cut, but now it's an emotional and a physical attachment that you are nurturing. Very important timeframe, this infant to 2 years old. You're also nurturing their emotional security. Their emotional self-worth, and their emotional stability. All of those things are happening as you look in their face, as you sing to them, as you talk to them, as you cuddle them. All of that's what you're doing. You're nurturing a healthy soul. Here in this illustration that I have here, this is from First Five California, and And here you can see the different parts of the brain that are being developed in the small children. And that's why they encourage parents during this time frame. And I encourage parents to do this even before the baby is born, especially for you fathers. That baby can acclimate themselves to your voice as you're speaking to them. But this one says, talk to your infants, read to them, sing to them. You don't need to wait till they're old enough, like going to school, to talk to them, sing to them, and read to them. You can start that right away. And because you are already developing their brain, you're nurturing their soul, their mind, their stability, their self-worth, all of the things I mentioned. And the primary tool for this as a gardener is all forms of affection. Now you might say, Richard, that's just common sense. Yes, but common sense is not always common practice, because many of you know that affection is not common practice for a lot of parents. I didn't know how to be affectionate with my children. My mother was not affectionate with us, and a lot of parents are that way because of the way we were raised. We don't really know how to be affectionate with our little babies. We think— or some of us as men, we think that, oh, that's a woman's job. Oh no, it's not. It is both of us that must be nurturing that little child in this crucial time. Let me read to you something from the book How Children Become Violent: Keeping Your Kids Out of Gangs, Cults, and Terrorist Organizations, which is a book by Catherine— Dr. Catherine Seifert. And And here's part of what she says. Attachment is the deep and enduring connection established between a child and a caregiver in the first several years of life. Attachments are secure when children are well cared for emotionally and physically, and the caregiver is consistent and nurturing when appropriate, with appropriate boundaries. Cooing, nursing, talking baby talk, caressing, rocking, socializing, having diapers changed, and being shown unconditional love comprise healthy interactions in which children learn to bond with their caregiver. As this takes place during the early years— what we're talking about, these— and I'm talking about this, but it really is right in here. As this takes place during the early years, it is through this bonding that children learn how to participate in relationships with others. Even though they may seem too young and naive to understand, those little brains are absorbent sponges soaking up everything around them. What are we talking about? A strategy to cause your child to prevent them from going down the wrong road and causing them to have an attachment, an emotional bond with you, the parent, the mom, the dad, the caregiver. And that's why affection is so important during this time frame. A lot of times parents are pushing their kids away. There's, oh, let them cry, or they're putting them in strollers or in a crib rather than holding them, or those sashes that women wear and that little infant— I'm talking about a little infant— and they're just close to your body better than in a stroller. I'm not saying strolling is terrible. I'm just saying that's what I'm talking about. That's what the psychologist is talking about, that close bonding that goes on, especially in that infant stage. Now, when the kids get a little older, And they, in this stage from 2 to 5, I call that the role of the trainer. Because those of us that are parents, we know what happens when kids turn 2. Now they have a clue, and now they know what they want, when they want it, how they want it, where they want it. And if they don't get it, they can start throwing tantrums, crying, and all those kinds of things. So during this timeframe, another very important timeframe, that's when we start to discipline them, train them. No, don't do that. Don't talk that way. Don't go that way. Don't go that way. You're going to get hurt. And we're kind of chasing them around because we know that they don't understand everything. So we have to train them about how to act, how to be. They want to be on the throne. They want to be in control. But we have to teach them, no, you are not in control. I'm in control. And what are we doing during this training? We're training them for obedience. We're actually training their conscience to understand, no, you need— don't do that, that's wrong. Or you need to listen to me, obedience. Or the way you're treating other people, that's not nice. And so it's a training role. And in this time, we're training them to have respect for self. We're teaching them to have— or training them to have respect for others. Don't do that. Leave your— don't spit at your brother that way. We're teaching them to respect for authority. I'm in authority. You need to listen to me. Because, you know, they're going to go to school, and now they need to listen to the teacher and the principal and the people there are in authority out in the community. And during this time frame, we're also, also teaching them respect for boundaries. No, you can't go there. No, that's dangerous. It's too late. Come in. You're going too far. Don't go that far. And if you don't— are not teaching them these things to respect you as an authority figure, then they're not listening to you and they're running all around going crazy out there, way out there, too far away, or it's too dark, or they're They're, they're not respecting others, but ultimately what it all comes down to is that they're not respecting themselves. And here, here's an important— in this time frame of gardening and nurturing and training that little soul, I want to read another quote here that I found in a book by Thomas Moore, and it's called Care of the Soul. That's what we're talking about. And here's what he said: when the soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, and loss of meaning. That's a heavy statement, but, and we also know that it's true because Katherine Siefer, the quote that I read you from the psychologist, when she did a study, went into prisons, and she interviewed some of the most violent criminals that were locked up She found one recurring theme, actually three recurring themes, that every one of those violent offenders as a child was neglected, abused, or abandoned. One or two or all three of those things: neglected, abused physically or sexually, and abandoned. Let me read it again. When the soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, and loss of meaning. So the key tool for this time frame here is discipline. Now I have a whole chapter in my book on discipline. I'm not gonna get into it now. Very important chapter. Or you can take a class if the Parents on a Mission classes are in your city. You can take a class because that lesson is crucial. The proper use of discipline, because too many parents associate punishment with discipline. Punishment is not discipline. When you're punishing a child, all you want is— you, you, you're not looking for a result. You just want them to feel the consequence and the pain of what they did, whatever you're going to— however you discipline them, or punish them. Sorry. Discipline is teaching. And when you're disciplining your children, you want them to learn something so that they're going to get better. And not keep repeating that same behavior. That's different mindset than punishment. So punishment is not discipline, okay? And that— this time frame here, that's what's happening. And discipline takes a lot of emotional maturity and skill. Maybe I'll get into it another lesson, not now, but that is what needs to be happening here. Okay, and a lot of parents make the mistake of not disciplining their children, and when they're in this time frame here, and then they wait when they get to this time frame, now you got some real issues. Because when they get to that 12 years old, now they're big enough to defy us and not listen to us and do whatever they want. And then now we got other problems. Okay, so In this time frame here, I call it the role of coaching, life coach. And the reason for that is because now at this age, now they're not in the house, they're out school every day, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, 9 months a year they're in school. So now you as a parent, you're like a coach standing on the sideline watching your children play in the game of life. And so now your role, you're still doing these things, but now you're also coaching them how to get along with other people. How's it going in school? What happened with the teacher? What about your grades? Are you cooperating? Are you on a team? Let's get you involved in sports. And you are in a role of helping them and developing them and helping them to discover who they are, what they're good at, and taking them here, taking them there, investing in them time and maybe some money if that's called. You're like a coach. Because you see, they're getting older. And during this time frame, it's important to remember that our role and goal is preparation for separation and infiltration, not isolation. Let me say it again. Our role and goal is preparation for separation because We are not raising our children to stay with us for the rest of their life. We're raising adults. We're raising citizens of the community. We're raising people that are leaving our house every day, and we are preparing them to separate from us every day. And then ultimately, life is a process of separation— separation from the womb, separation from the home when they go to school, separation in marriage when they finally get out on their own, and then separation in death. And that is our job. That's what we're preparing them for, those processes of separation. What I mean by infiltration and not isolation is that we don't want to be afraid of all the toxins that are out there, all the temptations that are out there, all the viruses that are out there, metaphorically speaking. Physically too, but all those things that they could get involved in. See, we can't get rid of those things, but what we can do is that we can inoculate our children with character, with integrity, with values, with good manners, with obedience. And then that gives them the immunity when they go out into the community from all of those kinds of things. That's what I mean by Now we've raised a child to prevent them from getting involved in all those things because we've inoculated them with our values and obedience and love and integrity and those kinds of things so that they can deal with the world. So now they're infiltrating the darkness, so to speak, again metaphorically, and they're a light to the neighborhood. They're a light to their friends. They're a light on the school campus because they're showing other kids how to act right, how to be a good son, how to be a good daughter, versus being a helicopter parent and trying to isolate them from everything. And oh no, don't go there, don't. And you can't put your kids in a closet, and you can't protect them from everything that's out there. And think about this, if you do that, You're not preparing them for the real world because what's the real world like? Not everybody's nice. Sometimes we're gonna fail. Sometimes we're not gonna get our way. Things are not fair and on. And so I have to prepare my children how to know how to deal with those things in a mature way. Not because they're gonna be perfect all the time. None of us are. But that again is my role, that they can be infiltrating the darkness and the temptation and all the ugliness that's out there, and they can be a light, a leader to their friends, versus me trying to isolate them from everything. And now I'm not developing their social muscle because they got to get out there and learn life's not easy, life's not fair, things happen, etc., etc. So that's what I call— that's the gist of it. There's more to it, but I think you get the point. The home field advantage. You, mom and dad, have an advantage. You have a 12-year window, and if you exercise these strategies— nurturing that little infant, training and disciplining that little young boy and girl, and then coaching them as they get out into school and get around other people, and they start getting older— what you're doing is you are providing an attachment You are providing them an anchor for their soul. You are providing a connection for a good, healthy, and respectful relationship. And I don't know what better way to prevent— remember, we're talking prevention— to prevent a child from going off the wrong road because the loyalty that all of those temptations out there are asking for— and that's exactly what's happening— they can say no to because their loyalty is in you, their loyalty is in their family, and you have provided them with a security and an anchor that gives them the strength to be the kind of young man and the kind of young woman that all of us are going to be proud of. So that's what I call the home field advantage. Hope it's helpful to you. Please make sure that you share this podcast, share this episode, like the video, leave a review, share it, and subscribe. That helps me reach more parents in New England. That's what this is all about. So you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, and as always, Mom and Dad, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents like you who want to get better. See you next time.