S2 EP 9: Authority and Social Proof (Weapons of Influence Pt. 2)

Hey everybody, it's Richard R Ramos and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Now it's a little hot in here today, so bear with me. It's pretty hot here in Santa Barbara today, hotter than normal. So if you see me sweating a little bit, Bear with me. But anyway, I want to continue on with our series on the weapons of influence. Last time I talked about the principles of authority and, or I'm sorry, reciprocation and liking. Today I'm going to talk about authority and social proof. So first, let's look at the power that this principle of authority and how it can influence our decisions. Let me tell you about an experiment that was done. You may have heard of this experiment. It was done by a man named, what was his name? Stanley Milgram. And I believe this was done in the, in the '50s or '60s. I forget. But what happened was he got these participants to agree to be part of an experiment he called on memory and learning. And so the participant was to listen to him and he was to give little shock treatments to the learner on the other side of the wall. Every time he gave a wrong answer, he was asking questions. And then if he gave a wrong answer, he would zap him, you know, each time. Well, the guy on the other side of the wall was in on the experiment. He was an actor, so he wasn't really getting shocked, but the participant didn't know that. And they did this with many people. They'd bring them in and say, okay, and they explain it to them. Here's what we want you to do. You just sit down. Now the guy that's running the experiment, you know, he's got on a lab coat, a clipboard, and you know, he looks very professional. And so he's telling them what to do. Well, every time the learner would answer wrong, he'd zap him. Well, as things went on and every time he did not answer correctly, which was all fixed. He would turn up the shock treatment. And the guy, he'd look at him and he'd say, no, it's okay, go ahead. And every time it got stronger and stronger and stronger. Eventually it got to the point where the poor guy's thinking, the other guy's, you know, yelling, oh, please stop. And he's looking at the, and he's, oh no, it's fine. You know, no problem, go ahead. And he thought he was actually zapping him stronger and stronger and stronger because they kept turning up the volume, which was all fake. Or the power, I should say. So it got to a point where he was begging, the other guy's begging him to stop, please stop. And the authority figure's like, no, it's fine. You know, go ahead. And to the point where the guy didn't respond. So now the participant's like, oh my God, what happened? Is he okay? And so then they would, you know, explain to them that it wasn't real. But here's what happened. What they were trying to discover was 65% of the people that were the participant, even though they knew that they were shocking the guy, or they thought anyway that they were really hurting him, and they really wanted to stop, but because the authority figure said, no, it's fine, just go ahead, 65% of them went ahead and kept doing it, what they thought was shocking the guy, to the point of where the other guy, of course, he's faking it, but didn't answer. And so it blew their mind, like, oh my God. And at that point, you know, they'd bring them out and they'd, you know, have a good laugh. But that experiment showed that, number one, that people can be persuaded to overlook their own moral compass. I mean, think about it, you know. I thought about that. What would I— you know, if I heard somebody yelling and saying, please stop, oh my God, I can't take it anymore— would I continue to listen? I don't know, maybe, but that's what 65% of the people, they did. And when they asked them why, they said, well, because, you know, the guy kept telling me to just keep going. In other words, I was just following orders. That was the same thing that the Nazis that were convicted for war crimes when they were going through their trials, that was their excuse. I was just following orders. And so that's a, it's, it's just an experiment of really powerful, this authority. One of the reasons why Cialdini, the author Cialdini, calls them the weapons of influence. It also shows us that authority figures can abuse their authority, causing people to again override their own moral values. And that's abusive to, to do that. And the third thing, it shows that people trust who they think— people that have credibility, they trust them. So obviously that's a huge way to abuse your authority, by gaining, gaining trust. So my purpose again in teaching these things is to cause us to be aware And because authority is a powerful principle of influence, how we as parents can use that principle in a good way, in a positive way, that will defeat our competition. But you know, I've talked about that we are in a daily competition— movies, magazines, music, social media, all the things that our kids are being influenced by. And one of them is people who present themselves as an authority figure And our children get deceived by that. They, you know, they get influenced by that. So, so we as, as parents, how can we use this principle? So I want to talk a little bit about the— this, this thing about authority. What is the purpose? When you think about what is the purpose of being in a position of power and authority, I have a couple of ways that I look at this, and I like to teach it. And one of the things I teach is I say that there's two kinds of authority. One's appointed and one's anointed. I like to call it anointed. Appointed authority simply means that people follow you because they have to, because you were appointed the boss, you were appointed the manager, you were appointed as the leader, whether you earned it or not, or whether you're competent or not, you were appointed. And so the people under you, they have to follow you. So that, that's what I call appointed authority. Anointed authority is simply people follow you because they want to, because of the way you go about it, because of the way you present yourself, because I like to call it you're a servant leader. And people then, they want to follow you. You're an authority, but you're using your authority to benefit the people that follow you. And so as parents, we can do the same thing. So I teach these things when I'm asking the question, what is the purpose then of power and authority? If you're in a position of authority or in a position of power, and usually if you have power, you have authority. So what I say is that you can use your authority as a parent to provide your children, your children with several things. The first one is liberty. You're giving them liberty. You're setting them free in a sense. Just think about somebody who has the authority to open the jail door, set people free, give people a commute their sentence, pardon people. You have the authority like that with your children. At work, people call it psychological freedom. And what that means is that people come to work and they're not intimidated, they're not afraid, they're not afraid to approach the boss or talk to the boss or have a conversation with their manager or their leader. And that's the way it should be at home with our kids. Our kids should not be intimidated to talk to us, to disagree with us, to express their opinion, because we are giving them liberty. We're giving them psychological freedom. Secondly, we can use our authority to give— provide our children with knowledge, with expert guidance. Because we're knowledgeable, we don't know everything, but what we do know, we can give them that knowledge and help them along in, in whatever their studies or, you know, their activities or whatever it is that they're doing. We can give them knowledge, we can give them expert guidance in the things that we are experts in. Third, justice, meaning that we're in a position as parents to right the wrongs, whether those are right— righting the wrongs between siblings, righting the wrongs of injustice that happened at school. Maybe the teacher was out of line, a policeman was out of line, the doctor's out of line, but we can provide them the justice by using our authority as the parent. Another one is safety, because as parents we handle, using our authority, difficult situations. Again, it might be the doctor, it might be at school, it might be in the neighborhood, but we provide our kids the safety that they should feel. That another one is security. We protect our children. We use our authority to protect them. Again, the same thing in social settings with an abusive teacher, or an abusive relative or an abusive sibling or unfortunately an abusive parent. So we provide them— we use our authority to say, hey, no, no, that's not happening. I'm not— no, we're not doing that with my son. No, sorry, coach, whatever. So we're giving them that security. Another thing is, as I already mentioned, knowledge, because we're competent. And the last one is that we can use our authority when appropriate, where appropriate, to open doors of opportunity. I mean, if I have that authority to provide an opportunity for my child, I'm going to use it. I'm not going to hold it back from them. I'm not going to deprive them of an opportunity that I have the ability to provide them because I'm in a position of power and authority. And let me just say that when we're using our authority in these ways, children are going to listen because they recognize, you know what, my dad, he is knowledgeable, he knows what he's talking about. And also that we are consistent. My mom, she's consistent. I can always count on her. And we are teaching our kids, and this is very important, we're teaching them to think for themselves. See, a lot of authority figures, when they're abusive, you know, like cults, or even people that are in positions— well, positions of authority. I don't want to misspeak here. They do not— they don't want dissension. They don't want to hear another opinion, you know. They just— they don't want their followers to think. They just want them to follow and do what they're told. No way. Okay, proper use of authority that we are using as moms and dads— we're teaching our children to think for themselves. Not everything you hear on TV is true. Not everything you're learning in school is true. Not everything your teacher, professor, pastor— but hopefully not pastors, but sometimes it's true— it's not right, it's not true. Not everything you hear on the internet, read on the internet, read in your social media is true. What am I doing? Think for yourself. Check it out. Don't be so trusting. I'm using my authority to help my kids understand that. And then when you check it out and you think through it and you do maybe a little research or reading or check with some other people, then fine. But what you're doing is you're teaching them to think for themselves. And finally, and one of the most important parts about wanting our children to follow our authority because they want to, is because we live what we teach. We're not telling our kids to do something that we ourselves are not demonstrating to them. So the principle of authority is a very powerful way when used correctly, and even when used wrong, unfortunately, to influence people. In this case, I'm talking about influencing our children. The second principle I'm talking about is social proof. What is social proof? Well, I think the best way I can explain this is what we all experienced during COVID and this was on a global scale. I mean, what was going on at that time? And one of the things that cracked me up during COVID you remember probably was this craziness frenzy over toilet paper. Everybody, oh my God, I gotta get toilet paper. And so every, you go to the store and people were stocking up in their shopping carts with 3 or 4, you know, toilet paper, what do they call 'em? Whatever they come in, those plastic things, packages. And even Costco, which, I mean, when does Costco run outta something? But even Costco ran out of toilet paper. What was that about? Did you run out of toilet paper? Do you know anybody that ran out of toilet paper? I don't. We didn't. But did we really need— what was COVID about? The runs? I mean, maybe in some cases, but that really was not the main thing that you were going to experience if you got COVID as a symptom. It might've been one of the things, but my point is it was all about social proof. Somehow, somewhere, somebody started for whatever reason stocking up on toilet paper, and then other people saw that and said, oh, maybe I better get toilet paper. And next thing you know, everybody's getting toilet paper. That right there is The power of social proof. And another thing, social proof. People got duped by the government to get involved in an experiment that they told us was vaccines. They weren't vaccines, but because everybody was doing it and the pressure, social pressure to, you know, take the jab, as they say, the vaccination, people were doing it. But remember this, If you get the shot, you'll be immune, you'll be fine, that you'll be good. It wasn't true. And so then they come out with the booster shot. Now let me ask you this, why would you go and get another shot if the first shot didn't work? Social proof. That's the power of social proof because every, well, not everybody, but a lot of other people, oh, I'm gonna go get a booster. And then again and again, that is, probably the best way to explain this. Why do people comply with things sometimes that they're really not sure about? Well, it's because when you're not sure, when you're uncertain, or you see a lot of people doing certain things, you just kind of figure, well, maybe I better do it. Or, you know, what is it called? FOMO, the fear of missing out, I think it's called. That, that's the power of this, this social proof. And with social proof, the pressure from the government, the pressure from scientists and follow the science and all of that, the pressure with the mask and the 6 feet distance— they shut down the schools, they shut down businesses, people lost their business, and Basically, they shut down the whole world, just about. I mean, it was global, all based on this: everybody else is doing it, so we better do it too. Thank God for some of those churches and some of those schools and some of those businesses that just said, no, I'm not going to do that, and they refused to comply. But for the most part— and that's a whole different discussion— but for the most part, people did comply. Because when we tend to, as human beings, we tend to follow what we see other people doing, even if we don't understand it. Now, there was another experiment that was done in the 1950s by a psychiatrist or psychologist by the name of Solomon Asch. And in his experiment, what he showed was that groups of people, it's called the herd mentality. That groups of people will follow group opinion even when it clearly contradicts their own perceptions, their own opinions, or even if they don't even really understand what the group is doing. It's called groupthink. And that's another, again, this power of social proof. We saw that with the George Floyd riots, even before that in the summer, you know, the Summer of Love when they were burning everything down. And then we saw it recently on the university campuses. All of those things, most, many of the people that are in the crowd, they didn't know what was happening. They just joined the crowd, groupthink, herd mentality, because, hey, everybody else is doing it. So it creates this illusion in the minds of our children. And the way social media does it now is by likes— the amount of likes you get, the amount of followers somebody has, the amount of shares that your reel or your video— and those things cause our kids to assume that, well, you know, everybody's doing it. But those assumptions are not always good for our children. And that's why I'm teaching this. This is the way we get manipulated. This is the way whole groups, whole neighborhoods, cities, towns, states, countries get manipulated. And social media is very powerful in this way. And there we know now there's a whole concern, fear, and many parents about the addiction that their children have to social media and their screens and their swipes and all of these kinds of things. So we want as parents to help our children understand that just because something is trending, which is a huge thing like on TikTok, it's trending, but we have to help our, our children understand that just because something is trending, that doesn't mean that it's valuable or meaningful. So how can we, how can we do this? Number one, We as parents, we can be an example that we do not always follow the crowd. We do not buy into groupthink, to the cult mentality, to the herd mentality. We're not about that. We're going to check it out first. We're going to do a little bit of research. We're going to check different sources. We're going to read both sides of the issue. Not— and not just jump in, you know, oh, how do they say, swallow it hook, line, and sinker, just because our cousin is and our neighbor is and our brother is and our friends are and the team is and at work they're doing that. We're not going to do that as parents. We got to find out first, is this meaningful? Is it valuable for me and for my family and for my children? We don't always follow the crowd. Secondly, What we can do is that we can expose our children to better examples. We can influence them and introduce them to other community mentors, to other community leaders and coaches, people like that, pastors. We can help them get around other friends that are accomplishing meaningful things, or relatives that are good role models that are independent thinkers, that are not all caught up in what everybody else is caught up in, that they've paved a path, they've found their voice, they're following their destiny, their journey, their purpose in life. That's what we want to help our children find— their voice and their path, their uniqueness. Their specific purpose in life and how to use the gifts and talents that they have for those things. So that leads me to end by talking about my program, Youth on a Mission. Now, as you know, in this podcast I talk about Parents on a Mission, but Youth on a Mission, it's the same thing. It's a leadership program, but for youth from the ages around 18, high school seniors and high school on up, 18 to 24, 5 years old, somewhere like that. And I developed that program for this very same reason, to help young people that are being misdirected, that are lonely, that are depressed, that have no purpose. Maybe they don't have a great home life. And yet they have talent, they have ability, and what they need is a mentor. And so I developed this program based on my book, From the Margins to the Mainstream: Preparing Latino Youth for Leadership in the 21st Century. I say Latino youth, but it could be any youth. I've had hundreds of youth of all ethnicities go through this program. And it has really helped them. I just use my own story as a minority going from the margins of society to the mainstream of society and how I did that, overcame growing up in Northeast Los Angeles, the barrio, the drugs, the gangs, the violence, you know, the peer pressure. And I just tell my story, but I also then tell the story of other people that have overcome and how then to become a leader, how to develop your leadership skills and be a positive influence in the community. So that's what Youth on a Mission is about. That's what the book's about. But the Youth on a Mission, it's a program. And what I do, the same thing I do in Parents on a Mission, I develop and certify youth mentors, Youth on a Mission mentors. And then they take my curriculum and they teach it in their community, in their school, in jails, in juvenile hall, in prison, wherever they are working or mentoring young people, nonprofit organizations, churches. So I want to share that with you. You can find information if you're interested in finding out more about that. If you want to just read the book or buy the book for your son or daughter, you can go to my website, Richard R Ramos, richardramos.com, and you'll find the book there. But you'll also find the program certification for Youth on a Mission. So I want to end by just, I'll just read to you a few of the testimonies that I have here. I have a whole bunch of these and I have a lot more than these, but these are just a few. I'm not going to read them all. The training was great. This training really made me think about life different now. Helped me with the voice of failing I had in my head. So change that voice. The information and training on Youth on a Mission helped— is very helpful because it spoke a lot about real life and gave examples of changing my daily habits and routines in my life. This training is really helpful to me because it helped me with self-reflection and self-assessment of how I can reach my full potential. And I'm not reading the whole thing, I'm just reading parts of these. Thank you, Richard, for this training. I believe and feel it was helpful on many levels. And then last one, Richard, the information was helpful in giving us a different perspective on how to get youth to see the bigger picture. Other youth organizations should take this training. To find different ways to open the mind of different youth. And I'll just leave it there. So remember, mom and dad, even though you can introduce, get your kids around other community leaders, role models, mentors, people like that to influence their life, I wanna remind you that you are in the best position to influence your children as an authority figure. You are the number one asset in the community. It is your authority that your children need for you to exercise in their life, to provide them with the liberty and the guidance and the safety and the security that I talked about as the authority figure in their life. And I want to encourage you in that. It's not the doctor, it's not the school, it's not the principal, it's not the counselor, the psychiatrist, the school, or the pastor as the main authority figure in the life of your children. It is you. Do not abdicate your role as the authority figure in the life of your children and use these other people I talked about as social proof to show your kids a better way a different path, their path, to find that for the betterment of their specific life. So I'll leave it like that. I'm Richard R Ramos, and you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I would really appreciate if you would subscribe, if you will like these episodes, if you leave a review and share these with your family and friends if you know people that you feel would really benefit from listening to these very simple messages. And as always, Mom and Dad, remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.