S2 EP8: Weapons of Influence Pt. 1

Hello everybody and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos. Today I'm going to start a 3-part series, Winning the Influence Battle: How Parents Can Compete with Social Media for the Hearts and Minds of Their Children. This series is going to be based on a book that I read by Robert Cialdini that's called Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Mr. Cialdini speaks about persuasion by talking about what he calls psychological weapons of influence. His goal is to educate people on how easy we can be persuaded, influenced, and manipulated by these psychological principles. So he writes, just what are the factors that cause one person to say yes to another person? I wondered why it is that a request stated in a certain way will be rejected while a request that asks the same favor in a slightly different fashion will be successful. So in my role as an experimental social psychologist, I wanted to find out which psychological principles influence the tendency to comply with a request. I have characterized such principles as weapons of influence. So what I want to do in this series is talk about these 6 different psychological principles that he calls weapons of influence. And my purpose and goal is to help you and I as parents understand how we can apply these same powerful principles of influence for positive parental influence and leadership. As you know, that's what Parents on a Mission is all about. So I have talked about this subject before. But that's how important it is that I want to talk about it again, but this time go more into depth because we all know it, it's not a question whether our children are going to be influenced or not. The question is, who will influence them the most? Who's going to win the battle for influence? That's what's at stake. So this is why Gialdini wrote his book, to educate, inform, and give people an awareness of how we can be, how we are, and not only how we can be, how we oftentimes are manipulated in different ways. And I'm sharing these principles again from a parent leadership perspective. So that we can use these things for good. So the 6 weapons of influence, as he calls them, are reciprocation, liking, social proof, scarcity, commitment to, commitment to consistency, and authority. Now, in this first episode Influence Begins with Relationship: Why Children Follow People They Like and Trust. I'm going to explain 2 of the 6 core principles, and then in episode 2, the next— well, in the series, this is the first of a 3-part series. In the next 2 series episodes, I will talk about the other of the 6 that I mentioned. But today I'm going to talk about reciprocity and the principle of liking. I was listening to a young lady tell her story about how she got influenced by her friend to unfortunately become a victim of this whole Jeffrey Epstein saga or scandal that, that we've all been hearing about recently. Now, she had no idea, she said in her story, she had no idea what she was in for, but her friend did. And when it was all over— and at the time she was only 14 years old— she was furious at her friend, but she was also very confused. I mean, you can imagine, at 14 years old, this older pervert and everything that, you know, she went through. So she was confused about everything that had just happened, but she didn't want to get her friend mad at her, although she was furious with her. But she still, you know, wants to be friends and wants to be liked, and so she tried to hide her feelings. But she said, as soon as— and to top it off, when she left the room that she was in. Her two friends are out there by the pool just relaxing, kicking back, you know, just sitting out there. And she was so mad, so furious. And then she said, but when they left, there was already a cab right outside waiting for them. So when they got in the cab, she just broke down hysterically. She's just crying and sobbing. She doesn't know what's happening, what, you know, why, what, what 'What just happened?' And she said that her friend looked at her and said, 'Shut the F up, you just made $200!' And then she threw the money at her. But if that isn't bad enough, the story doesn't end there. Now remember, we're talking about these principles, these powerful principles of influence. Of reciprocity and liking. So later on, this same friend is pressuring her again to go— this is at a different time— to go back. And she's like, no way. She just flatly refused. I'm not doing that. So her friend says, well, okay, if you're not going to go back, then find somebody else to take to him and he'll pay you for that too. Now again, what are we talking about here? Reciprocity and liking. So what is meant by reciprocity? And it simply means that people feel compelled or obligated to give back to those who give to them. And what is meant by liking? Very simple. People are influenced by those they like. Now, in the video, she proceeds to share through tears— she's crying— that she ended up doing the same thing to a girlfriend of hers, taking her to over there to Epstein's place and she knew what was going to happen. In other words, she did the very same thing that was done to her. So think about it, how could she do that same evil? Well, number one, she was given $200, so that compels the reciprocity principle, and she wanted to be liked. By her friend and by that group, those group of girls. So this is just a, this is a tragic, tragic example of the power of these principles to be misled, influenced, and manipulated that way. But what I'm talking about is that these same principles from a parent perspective can be used and turned around for good, and that's what I'm talking about. See, a lot of times as parents, we think that our parental influence is because of our authority. But in the real world, influence usually comes from the power of relationship. That's the key here. And influencers, they know this. Influencers of all kinds, whether it's social media, commercials, ads. But— and then peers, our friends, they understand this a lot of times better than we do as parents. And here's their methodology: they create connection, they build loyalty, and they give something first. Sounds simple, but a lot of times as parents, we take these things for granted And we don't realize that we are not building connection with our kids, that we are not giving first, and that we are not building loyalty. I recently read an article in a magazine called the Stanford Social Innovation Review, and in that article they talked about Relational intelligence versus artificial intelligence and the influence on children. And the article highlighted two teachers that are practicing this relational intelligence in their classroom. Here's part of what the article said: As artificial intelligence grabs headlines and investment dollars, Miss Ricks and Celeste are practicing an intelligence that cannot be automated. It is the intelligence of attunement, of care, of knowing, and knowing how to know each other. We might call it relational intelligence, the deeply human ability to build trust, navigate tension, repair ruptures, and create meaning with others. And it may be quietly rising as the defining skill of our age, the essence of what it means to remain fully human in a world increasingly governed by algorithms and automation. So this is an example of practicing— these teachers are practicing what Cialdini calls the principles of reciprocity and liking. These teachers are giving attention, they're giving care, they're building trusting relationships, and in return, the children in their classroom, their scores are off the charts and their behavior is wonderful with each other, with their other students and the teachers, their relationship. My point is that we can use as parents, we can use the same practicing of these principles of reciprocity and liking to strengthen our relationship with our children, to build the relationship of trust, and to use these principles in our leadership, influence and connection with our kids. So again, what is meant by reciprocity? It's simply that people feel compelled to give back to those who give to them, whether we were giving attention, we're giving validation, we're having some fun and entertainment, And what happens is that we're giving our children a sense of belonging. That's the key to this principle of reciprocation. The kids feel connected, and that's how we can use this principle— by listening before correcting, connecting before correcting, investing time before, uh, expecting obedience. And that especially is a key principle in raising stepchildren. You know, I, I made that mistake of wanting to discipline and correct before really being patient and building my connection and investing time and building that trust. So that, that's especially true when we are working with our stepchildren and Another way to do this is by showing a genuine interest in their world, because when children feel that they are emotionally invested in by adults— teachers, counselors, coaches— but of course I'm talking about us as parents, it's just natural for them to want to give back, which is what we want. This is what we're talking about. So instead of us, you know, As parents say, hey, just put your phone away, uh, we could try something like saying, hey, what is it that you're so interested in? Can you tell me why it is that you like watching that so much? Just something simple like that, showing a genuine— not a phony, but a genuine interest in what our kid is interested in. Why are they so engrossed by the video game, or whatever it is that they're doing on social media, all those kinds of things. We step into their world. We're tuned in to them, to their interests, and to their world. And that is going to build that reciprocal innate thing that happens when somebody's giving to you. You just feel compelled and sometimes even obligated to give back. Secondly, the— let's look at the principle of liking again, meaning people are influenced by those that they like. Now, what influencers do with this, because they understand this, and they, they build relatability, they use humor, vulnerability. They show vulnerability and their personality, and for that reason, kids just feel connected to them, and so they're easily influenced by them. But we can do the same thing as parents, but a lot of times we destroy our influence because we're not thinking that way, and we're only, you know, thinking of ourselves sometimes as disciplinarians and we're not showing the interest in what our kids are interested in, or we're making fun of it, or we're putting it down, or we're judging it, whatever their hobbies and interests might be. And so kids are not feeling connected to that. They're not liking that necessarily. And kids, or simply, they look at us kind of as the, the social media police. You know, we're enforcing the rules all the time, and a lot of times that's the way our kids look at us. Uh, but we're missing a, a great opportunity. But we can learn from these two principles that I'm talking about, these two weapons of influence, to influence our children in a great way, in a good way, in a connecting way, relational way. That's what this is all about. So I have written here some simple ways we can apply this liking principle. Number 1, by just laughing with our kids. And now I hope you do that. You know, just crack up, laugh. You know, it might be a movie together, it might be a program together, or just, you know, sitting around having dinner or just finding ways to just have a good laugh with, with your kids. You know, just the same way you laugh with your adult friends. The same way they, they laugh with their peer friends. Isn't it— it's just cool to think about. Yeah, I'm cracking up with my daughter, I'm cracking up with my son, and we're all cracking up together about, you know, what, whatever it might be. Another thing we can do is to share stories from our own youth, you know, dumb decisions we made, mistakes that we made, fun times we had, or maybe revealing a part of ourself, a part of our childhood or teenage years or young adult years that they don't know about. And just like, wow, you know, I've done that with my kids and they're like, wow, Dad, because I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles, my kids grew up in Santa Barbara, total different culture, different country just about. And so, you know, I've shared things, you know, a lot of times that I'm not proud of or that, you know, I wish I hadn't done, but you You know, I'm just giving them stories about my youth and why, just to, to make that connection. And another way is to just show curiosity in, you know, as I said already, curiousness about what they're about. So those are just, you know, some simple ways, but the, the bottom line is this: children follow people they like. I mean, that, that's not a big revelation. I'm sure you know that. But what I'm— the point I'm making here is to be intentional about exercising these principles because it's all about influence. And I want to win the battle of influence, and I want you to win the battle of influence because it's out there. And I've talked about it before, and you'd have to go back and listen to my other episodes, but I— if you've been following me, you know I'm talking about the battle that mom and dad have in America. I say it is the main battle you have, mom and dad. It's 365, 24/7, the battle for the heart of your son, the heart of your daughter, the mind of your kids, and ultimately the choice of loyalty that they make. It's all about influence— who's going to influence them the most— and I want that to be us as parents. So now these next questions, and ending this podcast today, might be a little hard to hear. Maybe they seem like dumb questions and maybe even a little insulting. I don't mean to insult you, but I just think these are questions that as parents we should ask ourselves. Number 1, Do your kids like and look forward to hanging out with you? They like to be with you. Second, do your kids like not only coming home but being home? Do they like that? Third, Do your kids like to bring their friends over to your house when you're there? And finally, this again might be a little hard to hear, but as you know, in Parents on a Mission, I'm challenging parents not to be mean, but to help us, just like a coach of an Olympic athlete to perform at our peak potential, to be the best we can be. And that's why we have mentors. And in Parents on a Mission, that's what I do. I develop parent mentors. Again, it's not to be mean, but it's just to challenge us to be our best. So my question is, do your children, do your stepchildren like you? Because remember, having love for someone doesn't always mean we like to be around them. So I leave you with those questions and a couple of thoughts. I don't think it's always that our children are rejecting our parental authority. I think it's more about rejecting our disconnected authority. Just think about that. But I do believe this: when parents build relationship first, you know, laughing, crying, storytelling, investing meaningful time together you will always have the greater influence. And that's what this is about. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos. I want to please ask you and encourage you to like these episodes, subscribe to the podcast, share them with your friends and family, leave a review And always remember, you can go to my website. There's more resources there. My books are there. My online courses are there. My free resources are there. There's some videos and some handouts you can download. So I hope that these sessions are really speaking to you. And remember, Mom and Dad, Parents on a Mission. Is not for bad parents. It's for good parents like you who just want to get better. See you next time.