How To Build Your 'Ask' Muscle: If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

Because you're never going to be certain that the person is going to say yes. You're never going to be certain that they're going to say no. But the only certainty you are going to have is that if you don't ask, you don't get. You're listening to the Circle C Project. Welcome to the Triple CE Project, the podcast that helps you gain clarity, boost confidence, build courage so you can live lifeless. I'm your host, Ryan Spence. The big Claude Rocket, life coach, author, speaker, lover of hoodies, hip hop and big hairy, audacious goals. If you're tired of living the life you think you should want and ready to start living the life you do want, this podcast will help you get from where you are to where you really want to be. Sit now with friends, I invite you to grab a drink, take a seat, and allow me to guide you towards living a life that's lit. Hey. Hey. Welcome to episode 91 of the Triple C Project. Quick House update. Still not in. A leak sprung this week as they tested the heating. So that set us back a little bit. But at the time of recording this on Thursday, 7th of December, I am hopeful, hopeful of being in by this Sunday. Still BMS downstairs, but upstairs should be good to go. So we'll see. I'll give you an update. But a good piece of news this week is I had a client sign up. And it's always, it's always great when somebody who you've had a call with comes back and it's like, yeah, I want to go ahead and do this. And often what happens when I have a consultation call with, with clients, with most clients is they want to have time to think about it. And that's cool. I get it. Because coaching is a, it's a big investment of time and it's an investment of money as well and of energy. And so you, you want to be sure that the person you're investing that in is the right person for you. And you also want to be sure that you're ready for the commitment you're about to make. So that's always cool. Occasionally someone gets on the phone, is like, I'm good to go, where do I sign? But generally that's the way people need to think about it. And that's great. But what was particularly interesting about this client is they did that, they came back, they were good to go, but they said they wanted to start in January. And again, sometimes people will say, yeah, I kind of like to do it, but I want to sign up. So Sort of start a bit later and again, that's cool. Sometimes people say that because they don't feel, they feel right saying no for whatever reason. But this time was great because not only did the client decide they didn't want to start till January, but sign up anyway. But they signed up now because they wanted something to look forward to for the new year. I thought that was so great because when we don't have something to look forward to, I mean, ask yourself how miserable can things get sometimes when you feel that you're just doing the same thing over and over and over and there's nothing in the horizon to look forward to. It's kind of like when you book a holiday, right? You get excited in the build up to the holiday, but if you have no holidays, books, you have nothing in the calendar. When things are bad, they can really bring you down because you don't have that light at the end of the tunnel. And so why I am mentioning that is because I know what it's like. It's been a hard year for a lot of people. You know, it's been a hard slog, cost of living crisis here in the uk, lots of shenanigans, nonsense, awful things happening around the world and just day to day life can get hard sometimes. And even with the best will in the world, if you don't have a clear direction as to where you're going, you don't really know what it is that you want to do and why you want to do it. You can find yourself being pulled in all directions and not really getting anywhere, but feeling like you're always busy and always doing without seeing any progress. And so I want to help you to start next year differently, to have that plan, to know what it is that you want to know where you're going and to have some steps that you know you're going to take in order to help you to get there. And most importantly, I want you to find your spark. I want you to find that thing that makes you feel just excited to get out of bed in the morning and get on with your day. That thing that lights you up, that mission, that purpose, that goal, whatever it is. And to help you do that, I'm hosting Find your spark sessions. So I mentioned these in the last couple of weeks. These are one on one coaching sessions, one offs. I normally only do programs, but these are one off sessions and it's to kind of get you in that frame of mind to take the remainder of this year and going into next year just take it and take control and steer yourself in the direction that you want to go in. And now I actually have a landing page for you to go and check out. If you want to find out more deets about what you will get in these find your spark sessions. So the link is in the description to this episode. You head to subscribepage IO findyourspark. That's subscribe. I subscribe, start again. That's subscribepage IO findyourspard. And you'll find all the details there about find your spark session and how to go ahead and book yours to get you. Get you firing on all cylinders. And this isn't about being more productive unless that's what you want. It's not about achieving something that everybody else think is big. It's about you sliding into next year and getting through that year in a way that feels good to you, that feels sustainable to you, that is getting you to where it is you want to go. Whether that's creating more peace in your life, whether that's getting more energy, whether that's getting a new job, starting a new project, whatever it may be. We're going to work through that together. And you're going to take away my mission map that I use to map out my year so I can see what I need to be doing when I need to be doing it any day that I come sit at my desk and get to work. Okay, so find your SPOC sessions, head to the show notes, the show description for the link, and check that out. And I look forward to sitting down with you and helping you find your spark. Okay, so today's episode. Today I'm going to talk about asking for what you want, which is, I think is an apt. I think it's a. It's a nice segue from last week's episode on rejection. Because the reason why we don't ask for what we want is because we're scared of rejection. But this is also about dismissing opportunities before they've been able to present themselves to you. Because we often can say to ourselves, I'm not going to put myself forward for this thing. I'm not going to ask this person for this thing. Because why would they want me? Why would they be interested? Why would anyone listen to me? It's like when I was writing my book, the triple C method. That was a thought that would go through my mind sometime is, why am I writing this? Who cares what I have to say? Like, this is pointless. Like, nobody wants to read this. You're literally just wasting your time. But If I'd listen to that voice in my head, I never would have written the book and I never would have put the book out and the book would never have impacted the people who have told me that it's impacted them and helped them in their life. As I go again, going back to last week's episode, Service Over Ego helped me to get the book done and out, regardless of dismissing all this voice in my head that was dismissing the benefits and the reasoning behind doing so. And when I was thinking about this episode, the story that sprung to mind was not long after I moved back to the uk. So I was teaching yoga in Singapore, moved back to the uk, all the upheaval of Relocation, Covid and all the rest of it in 2021. And I started working at a co working space in the city center where I live and it's a new co working space. And below that space there was a new gym, a boutique gym. And as we went down, my brother and I too, we were being shown around the gym, me and the guys telling us about the equipment, about the classes, all that kind of stuff. Now I wanted to start teaching yoga again here in the uk, uk. But I didn't know how to get about that. I hadn't found my bearings yet, I hadn't made any connections yet, but something in my head was like, just say you teach yoga. And so I did. I found myself just mentioning to the guy that I'm a yoga teacher and that I'd recently moved to Sheffield and I was looking to get back into teaching. So if you ever had any idea of offering yoga classes there, then, you know, I'd be, I'd be interested in having a chat and they thought nothing of it, it was literally just that, but it was actually a step above what I would normally have done. And I was quite proud of that, but I didn't really expect anything to come from it. But then literally a couple of days later, I mean, he'd got my details, he'd been, he checked out my website and he was like, yeah, let's do this. I really want to offer yoga here. I really like what you're about. It really fits in with the ethos of the gym and the clientele we're trying to. Trying to attract. And there goes my first yoga gig in a studio here in the uk. And I'll share that story because if I'd stayed silent and I would presented this fake humility, and what I mean by fake humility is it's humility that's wrapped up in fear, really. You know, you're pretending that you're being all humble and not wanting to blow your own trumpet, but actually what's happening is you're scared to put yourself out there because you don't know what the response is going to be. But if I had continued to present that fake humility, I never would have got that first gig because he would have known who I was, he would have known that I teach yoga. I mean, particularly as I'm not the stereotypical yoga teacher that people would think of. But simply by asking, the opportunity presented itself. And look, he could just have easily have not contacted me or said no. But if I'd never asked the question, then the effect would really have been as if he had said no anyway. So what's the harm in asking, what's the harm in putting myself out there? And now this is something that I see all the time in clients that I work with. They're accomplished. I mean, they're qualified, they're badasses, but they don't recognize that in themselves. And as I'm saying this, you're probably nodding, thinking that this, this is you. You've done some really epic shit in your life. You've overcome some huge obstacles and you know, you've got yourself to the position that you're in quite now where everyone around you looks at you as a, as a success, but you don't feel that. And you probably wrap yourself in this cloak of fake humility. The thing, the reason why this happens and the reason that I, that I see clients act this way is that they are, they're full of self doubt. In fact, they're not full of self doubt. They're actually swimming in a pool of self doubt. And they've been in that pool for so long that they've no idea how to swim to shore and pull themselves out. You know, when you've been in the water for so long and you're literally treading water and you don't know how to swim. I mean, nobody's taught you how to move through the water to get to the shore to get yourself out. Then how are you going to know how to do it? You're going to just languish and try to stop yourself from drowning. You're just going to try to survive in that pool of self doubt. You're not going to thrive. And this is where I come in. This is what I do as a coach. I don't act as a lifeguard. I don't dive into the pool with you to save You. But I'm like that coach on the side who is encouraging you and giving you some of the techniques, but also reminding you of what you already know, what you've already achieved, and showing you the evidence that qualifies you to do the things that you're scared to ask for, that qualifies you to stop flailing around in the water and swim proudly, strongly to the shore and pull yourself out of that pool of self doubt. And so with this episode, what I'd like you to do is think about something that you've been scared to ask for this year, this month. And maybe it's. Maybe it's a promotion, maybe there's that promotion that you desperately want or you feel that you deserve. Maybe it's the bonus. You've hit numbers, you've exceeded your numbers this year, you've done some epic share and you want to be rewarded for that. Maybe it's a speaking engagement, maybe you want to get up on a stage at your next company conference and speak about something that you're passionate about, that you know a lot about and show your expertise, whatever it might be. What is it? And what have you been scared about? Because you can let your brain convince you that that thing's not for you. That's what other people do. You're not ready, you know, I mean, they're not going to listen and entertain your request. Or you can just decide that, hey, I'm going to swim to shore. However that happens, I'm going to get out of the water, I'm going to shake off that self doubt and I'm going to ask that damn question. I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to raise my head above the parapet and say, I'm here, I can do this and I want to do this. I advise you to do the letter. Because when you do the letter, you never know what opportunities will present themselves to you. So many things have come my way over the last couple of years that I wasn't even thinking about. But simply by virtue of putting myself out there, being myself, speaking my truth, people found me and opportunities arose. So my rallying cry to you for this episode is, stop playing down who you are. Stop second guessing the outcomes of the questions that you are thinking of asking, and stop waiting for certainty before you put yourself out there and ask for what you want. Because you're never going to be certain that the person is going to say yes. You're never going to be certain that they're going to say no. But the only certainty you are going to have is that if you don't ask, you don't get the answer will always be no. So I have a little exercise that I invite you to do once you finish listening to this episode. So here it is. Grab yourself a pen, a piece of paper, and the first thing I'd like you to do is write down one thing that you've been scared to ask for. Maybe it's something that you've been wanting to do. Maybe it's the promotion, the bonus, the speaking engagement or something else. But what's the one thing which you've been wanting to do but you've been scared to get started with or to ask about? And when you have your one thing, then the next thing I'd like to do is brainstorm. Write down all the people you think might be able to help you with that. So maybe there's a colleague who got the role that you aspire to one day. Maybe you could chat to them, see how they did it, see what worked for them, see what they advise. Maybe it was the host of an event you attended and you exchanged business cards or social media handles and they were like, yeah, give me a shout sometime. Maybe you want to reach out to them and they could help you figure out how to get on stages and start speaking. Maybe it's a friend who has connections in various areas and they can give you a hookup, an introduction to a person of influence in an industry or an area that you want to get involved in. But whatever it is, write down as many people, there's likely to be more than one, so write them all down. And then what I'd like you to do is ask. Pick one person from that list and make the ask. Ask what you want. Ask. Hey, I really like to start speaking publicly. Do what do you advise? Or are there any events where you suggest that I start or any people that you. I reach out to. I mean, have a conversation with your boss and say, look, this is kind of where I am in my career. This is kind of where I see myself going. And I think that the next stage for me is this particular role. And this is how I've been thinking about it. This is kind of what I've done. This is my plan to get there. Can you help me with that? Whatever it is, think about what is going to be the most powerful thing for you and your useful thing for you to ask and ask someone from that list. Maybe it's introduction to somebody, maybe it's information on how they got to where they Got to. Maybe it's just a request for some support or some mentorship, doesn't really matter. Just make the ask. And then when you make the ask, I'd like to drop me a line and let me know what happened. What did you want to do? What did you ask for? Who did you ask and what was the response? And when you've done it for one person, they'd like to go to the next person on the list and do the same and keep doing it, because as you keep asking people on that list, that list of people to ask will grow because that person will probably introduce you to somebody else or send you down another path. And so you're going to grow your list of people that you can speak to that you can ask. And on top of all that, what I'd also like you to do is think about how you felt making the ask. You know, what was the outcome, what worked, what would you do differently? Because all this process is doing is building up your ask muscle. So like when you go to the gym, when you're lifting weights and you're, you keep lifting, you keep lifting consistently and you, you, you get stronger, you, you get heavier. That's what you're doing here. You're starting the process of asking in a way that is, that is structured, that is consistent. Because the more that you keep asking these questions, the more that you keep asking for what you want, the easier it's going to get and you're going to surprise yourself over time. How the fear, that fear of asking, that fear of putting yourself out there dissipates, not disappears, it'll always be there, but dissipates, allowing you to ask for what you want so you can get to where it is that you want to go. So that's us for this week, and I'm really looking forward to hearing your responses to the exercise. Who you asked, what you asked for, what the response was, how you feel about it and get you to start building up that ask muscle. So as always, you can drop me a line social media Instagram at I am underscore. Ryan Spence, LinkedIn. Just find me Ryan Spence. You know, you'll see me there. Or you can drop me an email. Hey, am Ryan Spence.com and I look forward to hearing from you and cheering you on as you start to open yourself up to the opportunities that are out there that allow you to start to live the way you want to live and do the things you want to do. Because, look, life, life is too short. Life is too short to be stuck wishing you were doing something else. Just get up and do it. Make a start. Take that step. Ask the question. People willing to help, but you've got to ask the question. They need to know what it is that you want to do. They need to know that you're in the market to do the thing. Just like me with that gym owner. He needed to know that I taught yoga, that I wanted to teach yoga and I wanted to teach yoga at that gym. Without those three things, he never would have known and the opportunity never would have presented itself. So I'm going to leave you with that and hopefully inspires you to go out and ask somebody for something that you want today. Thanks for listening as always. I'll be here again next week and until then, stop Living a Life of lethargy. Start living life thanks for tuning in to the Triple C project. In the spirit of the Triple C, here's three things that you can do to support the show. Head to ratethispodcast.com or over to your favourite part podcast app and leave a review. Reviews really help people checking out shows to see what they can expect and how this show can help them. Second thing you can do Share Share this episode Share a previous episode with a friend, Someone who you feel could benefit from what I'm throwing down on this here show. And number three, head to iamrinespence.com get on the main list. I'll be sharing news about the show, news about what I'm up to, my new book start writing soon. So to be the first to be in the know, you need to get yourself on the list. Really appreciate you being here. And until next week, stop living a life of lethargy. Start living life lit.