When 'old' friends don't support the new you; here's what you do

There's a reason why you're embarking on this change, why you're embarking on this personal development quest, and you need to connect or reconnect to that reason. It has to be a strong one. It has to provide that strong foundation. So going back to all the things I talk about in relation to clarity, if you know why you're doing something, that why is going to keep you going when obstacles are put up in front of you. So if you know why you're making this change to your life, why you're going down this different path, you can acknowledge that there are people who aren't supportive of that. But you also won't let that derail you because the end goal, the bigger vision, is far more important. You're listening to the Circle C Project. Welcome to the Triple CE Project, the podcast that helps you gain clarity, boost confidence, build courage, so you can live lifeless. I'm your host, Ryan Spence, the big law dropout, life coach, author, speaker, lover of hoodies, hip hop and big, hairy, audacious goals. If you're tired of living the life you think you should want and ready to start living the life you want, this podcast will help you get from where you are to where you really want to be. Sit now with friends, I invite you to grab a drink, take a seat, and allow me to guide you towards living a life that's lit. Hello. Welcome to episode 34 of the Triple C Project with me, Ryan Spence, yoga teacher, life coach, author, here to help you stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit. This week's episode is inspired by a conversation I had last week. If you're listening to this. And so I went to a in real life event which still seems very, very str. Post pandemic and lockdowns and all the rest of it. I know that things have kind of been opened up for a little bit, but particularly for me and what I'm doing and the people I'm connected with. I'm connected with so many people all around the world that actually in person, events aren't something that I've had much experience with in, in my new life, in my new Persona. So it was great to be invited to this event and there were 30, around 30 other sort of entrepreneurs, people really making a positive impact. And there were talks from some fantastic people as well. I mean, there's one guy who is the youngest guy in the UK to have an mba. There's another guy who, who won a world title as a boxer. There was an ex Premier League football player, now football manager, who told a really heart wrenching story about sort of dealing with losing a child. And it was an awesome, really inspiring day. And after the event, I had some really interesting conversations with people. And there was one particular conversation which I wanted to talk about today because it's something which I think that anyone who is looking to change their life, to transform, to do something different, will experience. And it's definitely something that I've experienced and gone through as well. So thought talking about it today would sort of help you see how to navigate this and just kind of let you know that you're, you're not alone. Really, these things, this thing does come up and it's just something that you've kind of got to work through. So I was having this conversation with a couple of guys, one guy in particular, really awesome spoken word poet, and he performed a few poems at the event. He's been doing this for quite a long time, but now he's looking to really ramp it up and step up. And the question that he, he asked me was, when you're, when you're doing something differently, when you're sort of changing, when you're stepping into this new Persona, this new world, how, how do you bring people along? And in fact, he had two questions. One was, is it necessary for those who are closest to you to support you on that journey? And his second question was, what you do when they don't? And when he asked me that, it really hit me because this is quite a heavy thing and it's something which I struggled with in particularly in the early days of stepping away from Big Law and sort of carving this new path for myself as the Big Law dropout and finding my way and sharing the sort of content that I share on social media and doing the work that I do as a coach. Because people, the people who I've known for a hell of a long time, people who I would class as good friends, and there's just been tumbleweed. There's been nothing, there's been no words of encouragement. They, they don't support the content, they haven't bought the book, they haven't read the book, reviewed the book. There's so many things where they just haven't shown themselves. It's kind of as if I'm either invisible or what I'm doing doesn't really exist. And it bothered me. Now, you probably experienced this. I mean, say you're someone who's used to being the life and soul of the party, always up for a Drink, going out, partying till the early hours. And then you decide, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to get myself in shape. I want to start to look after my well being. So you switch your late nights out for early mornings, going to the gym, you switch out drinking loads of alcohol for, I mean, drinking a lot of water, drinking things which are better for you. You change your diet. You know, it's like I remember when I became vegan and it was again, it was something difficult for people to get their, their head around. And when you're making those changes, the people who have seen you one way can find it difficult to see you in another way. You know, they, they don't get it. And you'll have the people who are quite vocal about that, but you'll also have the people who, it's just silence. It's kind of as if you've grown two heads and they, they want to, they want to keep their distance. Now going back to my scenario, it really bothered me and it's something which ate at me for a good few months, if I'm honest, because I really didn't understand it. I'm the kind of person who, if I know someone who's doing something, I want to support them. If someone's doing a, a sponsored event, I'm going to, I'm going to sponsor them. If someone has a charity that they're running, I'm going to donate to them. If they've created a new product or a new service, I'm going to buy it, pay money for it if I can and pay the full price. You know, I'm going to tell other people about it and rave about it and cheerlead them because I all about people doing good things, people making a positive impact both on themselves and on the world around them. So for me, I found it really hard to understand when others didn't do the same. I couldn't imagine seeing one of my friends share something online about something which they're really sort of proud about and really into and not congratulating them, not engaging with it, not sending them a private message saying, hey, that's amazing. Not giving them my support and encouragement, not asking how I could help. And so that's why I found it really difficult when other people who I thought would be in my corner didn't do the same. And as I say, I used to get really upset about it when I sat down and in those moments of quiet and that would kind of come back to me when I allowed myself, I Could really find myself going down the sort of rabbit hole, really. Just kind of really getting into the pit of despair and just questioning, like, what is it? Why, why, why are they not there? Why are they not supporting me? And so when he asked this question, as I say it read, all of those things came up, and it's something which I felt I had to really give him an honest answer on. And so when he asked the question, I shared my answer. And this answer, I think is going to help you, because if you're listening to this, you're also in the process of going through change and transformation or at least thinking about it. So I think it's, it's good that you're aware that this can happen and that you don't let it derail you. So I'm going to share the answer that I gave to him and I'm going to share it with you right after this message. Hey, I'm interrupting myself to give you this short message. Now, if you're listening to this pod, you're likely looking to change your life. Here's the thing. Transformation doesn't happen by doing what you've always done. It happens when you change your thoughts about what's possible for you. My book, the Triple C Method, helps you do that by giving you the tools and strategies to stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit, described as a transformational toolkit. And the book I wish I'd had when I decided to leave corporate. The Triple C Method will change how you see yourself and how you live your life. Available now as paperback, ebook and audiobook, read by yours truly. Head to iamrinespence.com book or over to your favorite bookseller to grab your copy today so you can stop living a life of lethargy and start living life next. Okay, so is it necessary for the people closest to you to support you in what you're doing, when you're making a change, when you're looking at a new transformation? So the simple answer is no. But it's not as simple as that. You don't need other people to support you. It's great if they do. It's fantastic. And having your people around you, really cheering you on, I mean, that's an amazing feeling. Of course it is. But the question you have to ask yourself, when you're in that moment and thinking, why does nobody care? Why is nobody supporting me? Why is nobody encouraged me? You've got to ask yourself, why does it bother you? And that's not judgmental, but It's a very real question. Why does it bother you? And you've got to sit and explore within yourself why. Why it bothers you that these people, this particular person, doesn't support what you're doing. And really get to the root of that answer and work through that. You can't just gloss over it because it's going to keep coming back to you all the time until you deal with it. So ask yourself the question why? What is it that bothers you? Is it because you thought they were a really close friend? Is it because you really thought that they had. That you had your back and now you don't really know if they did? Is it because you thought that you knew them, you saw them as a particular type of person, and now you're questioning that. Whatever it is, really sit down and take time to work through that question as to why it bothers you. And the next thing to do is there's a reason why you're embarking on this change, why you're embarking on this personal development quest. And you need to connect or reconnect to that reason. It has to be a strong one. It has to provide that strong foundation. So going back to all the things I talk about in relation to clarity, if you know why you're doing something, that why is going to keep you going when obstacles are put up in front of you. So if you know why you're making this change to your life while you're going down this different path, you can acknowledge that there are people who aren't supportive of that. But you also won't let that derail you. Because the end goal, the bigger vision, is far more important. And unfortunately, you're going to have to accept that you may have to lose some people along the way. Whether that's you completely cut them out of your life or whether it's that you keep them around but kind of on the periphery. Because you going to find it even more difficult to get to where you're going to get to if you surround yourself with people who don't believe in your vision, if you surround yourself with people who are derailing you, who aren't supportive, who are making you feel that what you're doing is stupid, it's just not necessary. And you should just stay in your lane and stick to what you're doing. So be prepared to let people go. But the plus side of that is you will find your people. You will find the people who think like you, people who also have a big vision, people who are also trying to change. And when you find those people, that's an amazing feeling. I've been fortunate to find quite a number of those people, both online and in real life. And the thing is, when you have conversations with these people, you leave those conversations feeling lifted up, feeling inspired, feeling like you can take on the world. And they're the kind of people you need around you. You need people who are going to support you, who aren't going to make you feel like shit, but are going to make you feel like you can do anything. And if you have those people around you, they're going to help you to go the distance. So answer the second question. What do you do if people don't support you? If people aren't looking at you and giving you that support that you need? So ask yourself the question, do you show the same support? I think often we can want things from other people, but we may not be giving to other people what we are wanting from them in return. So think about that. Do you support the people around you when they're doing things? Have you supported them in the past? If you haven't, ask yourself why. Because once you work through those reasons, then you may find the reasons why other people maybe aren't supporting you. And that can help you. One of the things I said to the guy I was speaking to, which in hindsight I've learned, is that it's important to try to bring people along with you. Sometimes we can just decide that we need to change, and we've been thinking about this for a long time, and then we just go ahead and do it. But we may not have been talking about it to other people. And so when they see us make this switch, it can be a big shock to the system, to them, a big surprise. And by not bringing them along, they can feel left out. They can feel like, well, who are you? Why are you doing this different? You don't need me anymore. So sometimes if we haven't been showing that support before, you know, we need to ask ourselves why. But also look at, could we have brought that person along with us? And if we could have done more, then maybe we want to try to do that. If we feel that that person is an important person in their life, maybe we want to give them that chance and try and bring them along. Explain to them, this is why you. This is why I'm doing what I'm doing. This is kind of where I'm trying to get to. These are the fears that I have. This is the support that I'd like from you and see how that works. What else can you do? You can accept that not everyone's going to see what you see. The vision that you have for yourself is something that. Which again, which you may have built up over time, or it may just be something that's. That's come to you in a flash of inspiration based upon your own ideas, your own sort of experiences, the things that you read, the things that you watch. But other people aren't necessarily going to see what you see. And you kind of have to get to a point where you just accept that. You can't make people believe in you. You can't make people see what you see, see the vision for you that you have for yourself. Going back to what I said before, you can try to bring them along and, you know, I mean, you can try to use your influence. And that's something which I work on with clients is kind of, how influential are you to the people around you? How can you work to bring them along with you? Not to convince them, but to kind of like, show them, this is kind of where I'm going and this is kind of how it works, and try to bring them along with you. But sometimes you have to accept that they don't see it. And that's cool. That's just the way that life is sometimes. Next thing you have to do is understand that it's not about you. If people aren't supporting you, it's likely not about you. There can be a number of reasons. People are busy, people have their own lives. And it's possible in this world of algorithms showing people whatever the algorithm teams that they want to see, that they may not have seen some of the things that you share, some of the content that you're putting out there. I think it's unlikely if they're close to you. I mean, they would have seen something. You probably mentioned to them what you're doing. But even if they have understand that their actions are not about you, they're about themselves. Everyone's responsible for their own actions, and it's about them. Maybe seeing you make this change, transformation brings something up in them. Maybe they're thinking, wow, they're really going for it. Why am I still stuck where I am? And they feel some resentment about that. And that resentment may not be towards you, maybe resentment towards themselves for not actually taking the steps to move forward. So once you know it's not about you, it becomes a little bit easier to deal with it. It comes a little bit easier to leave the negativity behind. And focus on moving forward. And this brings me back to what I've already mentioned, which is finding your people. The other thing you need to do, find your people. Stop trying to flog a dead horse. Look for the people who inspire you, who lift you up, who raise you up. You know, I mean, who are also trying to make a change. If you want to go to the gym, you want to lose weight or you want to put on muscle, you want to go to the gym, don't surround yourself with people who just want to go out drinking all the time. You know, we've all been in this situation where we have really good intention to go to the gym, and then a mate will come into our office at the end of work, say, oh, do you want to go to the pub? And you'll be toying up. And, you know, I mean, you'll give and engage the pub because they're the people you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with people who are also wanting to go to the gym and wanting to get fit, then you'll know that you're going to meet them at the gym. And so that's what will keep you. That's what will pull you there. And so you're going to do that thing instead. It's difficult enough making a change if you're surrounding yourself with people who don't want to make that change, who don't want to support you in that change. It's like tying a lead weight around your leg and jumping into the ocean. You mean you're going to be continuously drowning and struggling to get your head above water. So go to. If you head to episode 18 of this podcast, Build you'd Squad is the title of that episode, and that talks about the importance. More about the importance of building a squad and how that can help you. So to recap everything that I've said, is it necessary for people to support you in your change and in your transformation? No, it's not. It's great if they do, but if they don't, don't give up. Don't let that be a reason to give up. What can you do if they don't support you? So, number one, ask yourself, are you showing support to the people around you? And if not, why? And look at those reasons and see if those reasons could potentially apply to the people who aren't supporting you. Two, accept that not everyone will see what you see. If you have a vision, stick to that vision and accept that other people won't necessarily see that. Three, bring people along with you. Try to develop that influence to bring people on that journey with you. People feel that they're a part of that journey. People feel that they're involved. They're more likely to join in, in their support. If they feel that they can help you, then they're more likely to lend that support. So use your influence. That was three. Number four, understand it's not about you. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. If they're not supporting you, if they're bringing you down, if they're not giving you the support that you need, that's about them. It's not about you. So just focus on you and what you can control. And number five, find your people. Build your squad. You need people around you who are going to support you. The journey's hard, transformation's hard. You need people that can help you carry the weight and help pick you up when you fall down. So I hope this has been a really helpful episode for you. If you have been in situations or you're in a situation now where you're starting to make those tentative steps towards change and transformation, maybe you're looking to quit your job, maybe you're looking to start a side hustle, maybe you have creative ambitions and you're starting to write a bit or draw a bit, and you're maybe slowly starting to share those on platforms online where people can see them, and that feels really vulnerable to you. If you're in situations like that and you feel you're not getting support that you need, I really hope this episode helps you and I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email and let me know the struggles that you have or what. What you're feeling. And I can share a little bit more about my experiences and how I worked through all of that, you know, and look, also accept that not everyone has to have to support you. You can still go ahead, you know, look, my. As I end on this, my wife hasn't read my book. My wife hasn't read. Read my book. She doesn't listen to this podcast, you know, and she's my wife, probably one of the closest people to me. So it doesn't mean that you can't progress. You just got to find the people that do that, do support you and keep that around you. She supports me, obviously, in other ways, of course. You know, I mean, we're a family and we have all the. All the things that family life has and that. So it's not that there isn't any support or it's recognizing their support and their support and recognizing where you do get some support and the other support that you don't get, trying to find it in the places that you can by building your squad. And I touched on in this episode obviously about influence and the importance of bringing people along. Influence is one of the pillars that I coach people on in the coaching program, in the, in the 12 week coaching, one on one coaching program that I have. Influence, persuasion, the ability to bring people along. Not manipulate, not convince, but to just bring them along. Because people will be inspired by your own journey. If you let them inside, if you give them a glimpse of what's going on, if you let them know why you're doing what I'm doing, it may trigger something within them and it will help you to navigate difficult conversations. It will help you to, you know, bring people, actually just bring people along with you. Really. I don't really know a better way of saying that. So if that's something which you struggle with, if you struggle to kind of get people on side, why not book a consultation call and give me a call? I say influence is just one of the things that I work with. We also work on things like clarity. We work on things like getting you the right energy to sustain that journey, to change, you know, because it's a tiring journey, it's exhausting. We work on confidence, on courage. There's a whole host of things to help you get through towards the vision of the life that it is that you want to live. So you can head to iamrianspence.com coaching find out more about what it's like to work with me and also go ahead and book a call and let's have a conversation. As I said before, consultation call is really a chat to get to know you, to see if we're a good fit and to kind of give you some quick wins, some quick pointers based upon the the issues that you share with me and the conversation is often being talked about as being one of the most important or life changing conversations that people have had in a long time. Because coaching is powerful and coaching works if you work. So head to im Ryan Spence.com coaching find out how to work with me. Book yourself a call. I can't wait to speak with you and to help you stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit. Thanks for tuning in. But before you go, the weight of limiting beliefs is heavy. It literally weighs you down and keeps you stuck in that life of lethargy. I know, it's why I stayed in Big Law for so long. And it's why so many of my clients don't believe they can do the things that they want to do. But what causes those limiting beliefs? It's a lack of confidence. Lack of confidence in the belief that you can do the things that you want to do. And I've got something for that. It's my confidence journal. It's six journal prompts that I created that I've used to help me get from where I am to where I want to be, to help to give me the belief to do the things that seem outside of my control, outside of what I can do. If this sounds like you, you need to get your hands on the journal. Best thing about it, it's free. All you have to do is head to iamryanspence.com, hit the button for confidence Journal and get your copy today. It's going to help you start to reframe your thoughts and get you thinking about what you can do instead of focusing on what you can't do. And shed that load of limiting beliefs that you don't need to be carrying. See you again next week. And until that time, stop living a life of lethargy and start living life lit.