Crucial Conversations Part 1 - Framework | Incite Tax Culture

What is a crucial conversation? We love this concept at Insight Tax, and we review this material at least once a year because of how critical it is to how we function as a team and how we can just be better communicators in life and avoid arguments with loved ones. So it is based on the book Crucial Conversations, which you likely received a copy of when you were hired. So what is a crucial conversation? It is any time the conversation involves high stakes, varying opinions, and strong emotions, which as you can imagine based on that description, covers quite a few conversations that could be crucial. Here are some examples of ones. Now, if you want to pause it to read every one, feel free to do that. I'm just going to highlight a few. Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments. Giving the boss feedback about his behavior. We are a company that believes that even, even though someone might be your supervisor, that if they need to be— to have something brought to their attention about maybe how they're misbehaving or how they maybe could tone things back, maybe there aren't They're too aggressive or they're rude, that you should have the ability to bring that up to them without getting your head bitten off. So we want to give you the tools through Crucial Conversations that allow you to do that. So these techniques are going to be very helpful. Talking to a team member who isn't keeping their commitments, confronting a loved one, well, about substance abuse or maybe other things like Anyways, you can read the whole list there. When it comes to crucial conversation, we have a choice between dialogue or what the authors call the fool's choice. We want to avoid the fool's choice. So in a crucial conversation, the fool's choice is that we believe we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. Meaning if I tell the truth, I lose a friend. If I want to keep the friend, I don't tell the truth. Another way to look at this is we're choosing between candor and kindness. If I'm trying to be kind, then I avoid being direct. If I want to be direct, then I'm going to avoid being kind. And this is the fool's choice. Again, we want to avoid this because that's not the case. So dialogue On the other hand, is the free flow of meaning between 2 or more people. Free flow of meaning. The indication here being we are not going to make a fool's choice and we're going to allow all the information to flow within the conversation. A couple forms of fool's choice as, as we make this. These are some 3 options that Not options, but 3 outcomes that can happen. Silence or violence. This is bad. This involves verbal attacks, manipulation, acting like we know everything, hurtful comments. Salute and stay mute. We don't confront people in positions of authority. Freeze your lover. We give the loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better. Again, it's just really important to understand that dialogue allows us to create the pool of meaning. And in order for a crucial conversation to be effective, we need everything in that pool of meaning— the good, the bad, the ugly. So what do we do? The book refers to this often. Start with heart. If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right. Work on me first, us second. So we realize that not only are we likely to benefit by improving our own approach, but also that we're the only person that we can work on anyway. The first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us. Yeah, we sometimes— most times we're our own source of ill. So let's start with the right motives. Stay focused no matter what happens. How do we maintain focus? Well, there's 2 ways. Stick with knowing what they want, meaning the other person in the conversation. Focus on what they want and don't make a fool's choice. Stop looking at it as either/or. You can be truthful and keep a friend. You can have candor and still be kind. When you are under attack, so our heart can sometimes take a sudden and unconscious turn when we're faced with pressure. Strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and we start looking for ways to win, to punish, or to keep the peace. So those 3 versions— winning, punishing, keeping the peace— those are forms of silence or violence. When it comes to winning, we start out with the goal of resolving a problem, but as soon as someone raises the red flag of inaccuracy or challenges our correctness, We switch purposes in a heartbeat. So now we correct the facts. We're gonna quibble over details. We're gonna point out flaws in the other person's argument. We're just interested in winning the argument, not a free flow of dialogue. Punishing. We move so far away from adding meaning to the pool that now all we want to do is see the other suffer. And then keeping the peace. Sometimes we do choose personal safety over dialogue. Again, that's an either/or choice. Instead of adding to the pool of meaning, we go silent. We're so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation. You can ask these 3 questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? And then a final, how would I behave if I really wanted these results? These are good pausing questions that allows us to step out of the crucial conversation and put ourselves right first. It allows us to get back to the start with heart. 3 conditions to look for in a conversation. The moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don't feel safe, and then it's good to know your own style under stress. Okay, so the moment a conversation turns crucial, we need to notice physical signs like A tightening of the stomach? Sometimes people get dry eyes. What are your cues? You got to figure that out. Does one part of your body heat up more than another? Does your heart start to race? Notice emotional signs. Maybe you're scared, maybe you're hurt, angry. And are you either beginning to react or suppress those emotions? Also notice behavioral cues. Are you raising your voice? Are they raising their voice? Pointing fingers? Becoming quiet? So let's take a moment, think about your toughest conversations. What cues can you use to recognize your brain is beginning to disengage and you're at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue? What are your cues? It's good for you to know this. So Maybe pause the video, take a few minutes to ponder what you think your physical signs might be. All right. Signs that people don't feel safe. This comes back to silence or violence. When it's safe, you can say anything. But nothing kills the free flow of dialogue quicker than fear. So both reactions of fight or flight are based on fear. If you don't feel like you're being attacked or humiliated, You yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive. Let me say that again. If you don't feel like you're being attacked or humiliated, you can hear almost anything without becoming defensive. People only act defensive when they don't feel safe. So take time right now as you're watching this training Think about a time when you received like really harsh feedback or what could have been construed as harsh, but you didn't become defensive. Instead, you listened, you absorbed it, learned from it, and you let it change your life. Why are you able to absorb that feedback? Normally, it's because you felt like the person that had your— well, so the person you're talking to had your best interest in mind. And possibly already respected your opinion or respected you as a person, and you respected them as a person. When emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Studies show that peripheral vision even narrows. Like, this is real science stuff that your brain will start shutting down. So if someone tries to make fun of you, insult you, bully you over with their argument, Chances are they do not feel safe. And you should tell yourself, hey, they don't feel safe, instead of thinking, I'm under attack. Because when we think, I'm under attack, we immediately become defensive. But again, it's good to remember that you have had moments in your life that you received feedback that might have been difficult to hear, but you heard it because there was trust with the person. You know they were starting with heart, and you let that information change your life. So let's go over some forms of silence and violence. When we're asking us to avoid these scenarios, this is, this is a good reminder to give us an idea of what exactly this looks like. So we're asking you to recode silence or violence. So the insults, being made fun of, Those types of things. Recode them into signs that the other person doesn't feel safe or that you don't feel safe instead of these— this attacking and defensive emotion. It's a recoding. So forms of silence. Silence can consist of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. The 3 most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing. With masking, this consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. So sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms. Avoiding— this involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but we're not really addressing the real issues. And a lot of times both people know that. You can even imagine yourself in that conversation where there's that just feeling in the air. You know, they say tension that you can cut with a knife. A lot of times that's someone avoiding conversation or both of you. Withdrawing. And this means pulling out of the conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or we exit the room. Both are immature responses and not a form of Crucial Conversation. Forms of violence. You know, this can consist of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. The methods range from name-calling, monologuing, and then to making threats. So these are the 3 most common forms. Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It's done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation, not letting yourself take a break, a breath. You just plow through. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directed questions to control the conversation. Labeling. This is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them. Under some general stereotype or general category. And then attacking— well, this kind of speaks for itself. You've moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. And the tactics include belittling, threatening. You have to become a vigilant self-monitor. Pay close attention to what you're doing And the impact it's having. So, staying in dialogue, making it safe. What do we do when— what do you do when you don't feel like it's safe to share what's on your mind? The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don't stay stuck in what's being said. Start with heart. The first question is, what do I really want? Now, the worst at dialogue will say whatever's on their mind with no regard for how it's going to be received. The good at dialogue realize that safety is at risk. They fix it in exactly the wrong way, though. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating their message or any other form of silence. Now, the best at dialogue who are the best at making it safe, they're not playing games. They step out of the conversation. They make it safe and then they step back in. And that's okay. So mutual purpose is another way we stay in dialogue. It means that others perceive that you're working toward a common outcome during the conversation, that you care about their goals, their interests, their values, and vice versa. So remember the last time someone gave you difficult feedback and you didn't become defensive? Again, you trusted his or her purpose, so you were willing to listen to some pretty tough feedback. How can others feel safe when they believe you're out to harm them? They can't. So find a shared goal. That's what the mutual purpose means. We find a shared goal and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking. How do we do when the safety problem we're seeing is due to a lack of mutual purpose? So let's ask ourselves, how do we know when the safety problem we're seeing is due to a lack of mutual purpose? When mutual purpose is at risk, we end up in a debate. Other signs that purpose is at risk include defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and then circling back to the same topic over and over again. Now, it's important that we make this note. Mutual purpose is not a technique. If we're going to be successful in crucial conversations, we must actually care about the interest of the other person and not just our own interest. If you do this without caring and you try to make mutual purpose a technique, then you're trying to manipulate. And that's not what we do at Insight Tax. Okay. Mutual respect is the next one. Now, mutual respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. What do we mean? Meaning if the dialogue is continuing in a healthy way, then likely mutual respect is present. How is that possible? Well, respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all that people can think about. But right now you're not thinking about, oh, there's air, I'm breathing. But if the air immediately removed— was removed from the room you're sitting in, that's all you're going to be thinking about. Respect is the same way. So what does this look like, or when it's at risk? You're rolling your eyes, they're rolling their eyes, disrespectful tones. Probably the violence part of silence or violence is coming out. So to spot Watch for signs that people are defending their dignity, because when people feel— when they feel disrespected, they are going to become highly charged. And then their emotions can turn from fear to anger. And that concludes the first video of frameworks of crucial conversations. This is, again, a super important concept of the culture that we have here at Insight Tax. And these principles are very important, so please take the time, rewatch it if you need it. The quiz that will be following is also going to help determine how well you are absorbing this information.