Crucial Conversations Part 3 - Stay in Dialogue | Incite Tax Culture

In our 3rd and final video on Crucial Conversations, did I mention this is really important to us as a culture? We are gonna focus specifically on how to stay in dialogue because there, I mean, if a conversation is crucial, the reason a good outcome wouldn't happen is because both parties or all parties involved did not in fact stay In dialogue. So, um, that's going to be the focus of this. We're going to go over quite a few tools that the book talks about, tools that allow us to stay in dialogue. Um, another way that the book talks about staying in dialogue is adding meaning into the pool. So how do we add meaning into the pool if the information's delicate unattractive, or has controversial opinions. The worst at dialogue, they're just going to bluntly dump their ideas or say nothing at all. Silence or violence. The good, they're going to say some of what's on their mind, but they're going to understate their views because they have fear of hurting others, which is still a form of silence or violence. Now, the best, they're going to speak their minds completely. But they're going to do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say. And they're going to respond in a safe way as well. So in order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. Now, confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Those that are good at dialogue are humble enough to know that they don't have a monopoly on truth, nor do they always have to win their way in a conversation. So 5 distinct skills that we're going to talk about is their— they call it state. The first 3, to share your facts, tell your stories, ask for others, that's what to do. And the last 2, of talk tentatively and encouraging testing, that That tells us how to do it. So sharing the facts. Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. Yesterday, you arrived at work 20 minutes late. No dispute there. Conclusions, on the other hand, are highly controversial. For example, you can't be trusted. Because I arrived to work late? OK, so facts are also the most persuasive. In addition to being less controversial, facts are also more persuasive than subjective conclusions. Which of the following do you find more persuasive? I want you to stop sexually harassing me, Ryan. Or, when you talk to me, your eyes move up and down rather than look at my face. And sometimes you put your hand on my shoulder. Our goal is not to persuade others that we're right. We're not trying to win the dialogue. So take the time to sort out facts from conclusions. Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations. Facts are also the least insulting. You arrived at work 20 minutes late versus you're a lazy turd. You know? Less insulting. Facts also lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations. So first the facts, then the story. And then make sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as concrete fact. So telling our story. The other person can still become defensive when we move from facts to stories. It's the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion. If you're— if you've done the homework by thinking through the facts behind the story, you'll realize that you're drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion as you share your story. But look for safety problems as you do it, because as you share that story, we want to watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation. Rebuild safety by contrasting or some of the other methods. Be careful not to apologize for your views. Again, the goal of contrasting is not to water down your message. The goal is to be sure that people don't hear more than you intend. The A, ask for others' paths. We demonstrate our humility by asking others to share their views. And by meaning it. So once you've shared your point of view, facts and stories alike, invite others to do the same thing. Now into the how skills. Talk tentatively. Yeah, like, uh, I was wondering why— Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. Perhaps you are unaware suggests that you're not absolutely certain. In my opinion says you're sharing an opinion and no more. So why soften the message? Because we're trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down someone's throat. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase our influence. It decreases it. Individuals have asked us if being tentative is akin to being manipulative. That's from the authors. Our answer is an unequivocal no. If you are faking tentativeness, you are not in dialogue. So the authors have the Goldilocks test. So here's a couple examples. Goldilocks, too soft, too hard, just right. Okay. So too soft. This is probably stupid, but— Too hard. How come you ripped us off? Just right. It's starting to look like you're taking this home for your own use, is that right? I'm ashamed to even mention this, but— Just when did you start using hard drugs? It's leading me to conclude that you're starting to use drugs. Do you have another explanation that I'm missing here? It's probably my fault, but— You wouldn't trust your own mother to make a 1-minute egg. These are all from the author, so that one was funny to me. I don't think I've ever made a 1-minute egg in my life. Just right. I'm starting to feel like you don't trust me. Is that what's going on here? If so, I'd like to know what I did to lose your trust. Too soft. Hey, maybe I'm just over sex or something, but— these are examples from the book, I promise. Too hard. If you don't find a way to pick up the frequency, I'm walking. And then just write, I don't think you're intending this, but I'm beginning to feel rejected. Okay, the last one, encouraging testing. When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation does make a big difference. The best at dialogue understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous encouraging others to challenge it. Let me say that again. The best at dialogue understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinions is your willingness to be equally vigorous encouraging others to challenge it. So some examples: Does anyone see it differently? What am I missing here? I'd really like to hear the other side of the story. I know there are at least 2 sides to this story. Could we hear differing views now? What problems could this decision cause us? You'll never work through your differences until all parties freely, freely add to the pool of meaning. And while it's true that you can't force others to dialogue, you can take some steps to make it safer for them to do so. So start with heart. Get ready to listen. Be sincere. We have to invite them to share what's on their mind. And we must mean it. We actually have to be sincere. A classic case of pretending— you guys get this— hey, how are you today? Which basically means, please don't say anything of substance. I really just— I'm really just making small talk. Because when someone's, you know, how are you today? Well, you know, my Back is thrown. I have a bunion on my toe. I have to go to the doctor for some weird growth coming out of my. It's like obviously they didn't want to know that. But when you do ask people to open up, you got to be prepared to listen. Okay, number three: Be curious. At the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than responding kind, we need to wonder what's behind the ruckus. We have further trainings on something called the learner and judger mindset. It's very helpful in this scenario of— that we're talking about— of being curious. The cure to silence or violence isn't to respond in kind, but to get at the underlying source. And usually to get to that source, we have to have genuine curiosity. Stay curious. When people begin to share their volatile stories and feelings, we now face the risk of pulling out our own stories to help us explain why they're saying what they're saying. Well, to avoid overreacting to other stories, let's just stay curious. Ask, why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this? And the last one, be patient. Strong emotions take a while to subside. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they can hang around in our bloodstream for a really long time. And in some cases, like, well long after our thoughts have changed. So another tool to help people stay in dialogue, to create safety. We want to help the person retrace their path to action by listening in a way that makes it safe for them to share any intimate thoughts. And intimate, I mean, that's the word the authors use and it's accurate. It's about vulnerability and people have a hard time sharing that sometimes. So it's got to be safe. So they have the AMP model. Ask. The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their path Is to simply invite them to express themselves. What's going on? I'd really like to hear your opinion on this. Please let me know if you see it differently. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I really wanna hear your thoughts. Mirror. We do this to confirm feelings. In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's path to action that we have access to, and we make it safe for them to discuss it. We play the role of mirror by describing how they look or act. So their voice or gestures, those are hints about the emotions behind them. Don't worry, I'm fine. Really? From the way you're saying that, it doesn't sound like you are. When reflecting back on observations, let's take care to manage that our tone of voice— let's manage our tone of voice and delivery. We create safety when our tone of voice says we're okay with them feeling the way they're feeling. You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset. You seem angry to me. You look nervous about confronting him. P, paraphrase. And we're doing this so that we acknowledge the story because people want to know that they're heard. When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as they do, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you've heard. Now, the key to paraphrasing, just like with mirroring, is to be calm and collected. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this path to action, this story. Don't push too hard. If we push too hard, we are going to violate both purpose and respect. Rather than trying to get to the source of the other person's emotions, we sometimes need to gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen. And then prime. is the second P. This is what we need to do when really the conversation's not going anywhere, or at least our effort to repair safety and get back to dialogue isn't going anywhere. Usually this is because they're still in violence or silence and they're not explaining why they're angry. Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with little— with just a little bit more effort on your part. When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same. That's priming. You're sharing your best guess with them. It's an act of good faith. You're taking a risk. You're becoming vulnerable. You're trying to build safety in hopes that the others are going to share their meaning. But, but, you know, what if you're wrong? Look, as long as you do it calm and collected, it's gonna be fine. Remember, we're trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. And understanding how they're feeling doesn't mean the same thing as agreeing with what they're saying. Another tool: a disagree ABC, one, two, three. Okay, so if there's a disagreement, let's realize that first, most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10% of the facts and stories that people disagree over. So start with the area that you agree on. If you completely agree with the other person's path, say so and move on. So agree when you agree. The next one is you build. People who are skilled in dialogue are looking for points of agreement. They often say, I agree. Then they talk about the part they agree with. When a point's left out, skilled people will agree, then build. Rather than saying, wrong, you forgot to mention, they'll say, absolutely. In addition, I noticed that— The things that we learned from improv, yes, and, is actually a really great tool and habit that works with disagreement. We say yes to the part we agree, and then we build on it. And then the C is compare. So rather than suggesting that they're wrong, we just suggest that, hey, we have differing opinions. Start with a tentative but candid opening like, I think I see things differently. Let me describe how. And now the last point that I wanna make about Crucial Conversations. The authors call it in the best teams. Well, we are the best team. Darn it. So in the best teams, every team member is part of the system of accountability. Let me say that again. You can see it on the screen. Every team member, every, all, it's inclusive. Every team member is part of the system of accountability. If team members see others violate a team agreement, they need to speak up immediately and directly using crucial conversation techniques. It's dangerous to wait or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves. I cannot tell you how many times I find out about stuff that a team member who's no longer with us was doing while they were with us that no one brought to my attention or any of the other leadership teams or supervisors' attention. If you're not sure, say something. And there's one-on-one meetings That you have frequently so that you can bring up those points. We're also open. If there's something going on and you're not sure what to do, speak to your supervisor in a one-on-one fashion, but speak up. Had we known about some of the stuff that people were just overlooking— because everyone has other stuff, responsibilities— don't assume because you see it that someone else is going to see it. See something, say something. Okay? Success doesn't depend on perfect compliance with new expectations. Success depends on teammates who hold crucial conversations with one another when others appear to be reverting to old patterns, when others appear to be making mistakes. Our vision is that as Insight Tax, every team member is a leader. And leaders, when they see something, they say something. Leaders help each other stay accountable. We want everyone in the company to see themselves as a leader. And then here's the last thing from the authors that I'm going to share. Trust doesn't have to be universally offered. That makes sense. Trust doesn't have to be universally offered. In truth, it's usually offered in degrees. And it's very topic-specific. It also comes in 2 flavors: motive and ability. For example, you can trust me to administer CPR if needed. I am motivated, but you can't trust me to do a good job because I know nothing about it. Trust is an important element of our culture. Crucial conversations Is a unifying concept that allows us to have conversations that build trust with each other. Trust is not the same thing as everyone being in agreement with each other. Trust is knowing that when you're in the foxhole with somebody, as older people would say— I've never been in the foxhole— but you're in a dangerous situation with somebody else, that you have each other's back, that they feel supported, that they feel safe. It's not the same thing as saying, I agree with everything that you're saying, I agree with your positions. But trust is an important component of what we do. And Crucial Conversations is a methodology that allows us to do that. So please make sure you're familiar with these topics, these frameworks, use them often, speak up, speak up in a way that is healthy for dialogue. Don't add extra drama when you don't need it. And use these systems. We will be successful if everyone has these types of conversations on a regular basis.