"Happiness is a Choice" With Dr. Paul Jenkins

Welcome everyone to another episode of the Insightful Podcast. We have a great guest today, Dr. Paul Jenkins. You guys should know that years ago, years and years ago, we first met. But so I've known Dr. Paul for more than a decade.

Easily.

But we also— it wasn't until 3 or 4 years ago, can't remember, time flies, but we actually invited Dr. Paul out to one of our company annual retreats. He has an interesting approach. Now, he's, he's a trained, certified, call it whatever you will, he'll correct me, but he's a psychologist. He's going to, you know, lay you down on a couch and tell you how to solve all your problems. No, I'm kidding. I've got a couch.

Yeah. And I am a psychologist, but I operate a little differently than a lot of my clients or my colleagues in the industry.

And that's one of the things that we loved about it because you have this spin on positivity, which certainly in the world we could always use more of. I've actually never heard someone say like, hold on, that's too much positivity. And so, Just so everyone knows, we've had him out. He comes in twice a year to teach us a lot of the things that we're going to share about here because it's such an important message. I think that we wanted to have him on here so that you guys all— so I'm not being selfish. Like, I got to share you with the world finally, Dr. Paul.

Well, thank you, John. And you have graced my mic as well. My podcast, Live On Purpose Radio. You came as a guest and we talked about your new book, The 3.3 Rule. Which I think is just fantastic. In fact, you know what, even since our conversation, Jon, I've been monitoring my own 3.3 rule application a little more closely, and I think it's making a difference.

Good. Purposeful breaks.

That's not going to come as a surprise to you, but when you were introducing me, you know, just think positive. You hear it all the time from motivational speakers or gurus on the stage or people who don't even know what it means and they just toss it out there. And it can be kind of annoying because what does it even mean, right? So as a professional psychologist, I think it's important to help people understand how to operate the equipment of their own mind. And then how they do it is totally up to them. But if, if they understand what's going on in their own mind, That makes all the difference. So, I've broken positivity down into the psychological components of what it is so that people can be aware of what their mind is doing, and then they're in a position of choice.

So, it's not just a switch. I can't just flip a switch. I was told to be more positive. Just think more positive. It doesn't— Yeah.

And what's your response usually? Oh, thanks.

Right?

It's, it's like, oh, just be happy, right? But until you see how it's a choice, it's not. And so that's why it can be so annoying. So check it out. My job is to illuminate the obvious. And I know you can relate to this, John, because I see you doing it too when, when you're illuminating the principles around like the 3.3 rule or that maybe we shouldn't just give away all of our money to the IRS. You know, it's like, oh, that's obvious.

Yeah.

But having the knowledge or the awareness of how those things actually happen. So, that's my job, illuminating the obvious. But there's a lot of obvious things that are completely unnoticed, like even the feeling of your clothing. Your shoes, can you feel them? Well, now, now you can, and it's obvious because I called it to your attention, but it's unnoticed until that point. And so most of what's going on in your own mind is in that realm. It's obvious, you see it as soon as I point it out, but unnoticed up until that point. So here's one of those: judgment. Do you notice As I call it to your attention that you're constantly judging.

My wife tells me, she reminds me all the time, stop judging me.

Oh, yeah. You're like Judgy McJudgy Pants. And it's not just you, John. We all are, right?

No, Kara made it clear I'm the only one.

Oh, yeah. Well, she's doing it too in judging you, right? We are constantly judging ourselves pretty harshly sometimes. Our spouse, as you pointed out, our coworkers, our clients, the government, the weather, the economy. You're judging me. It's cool. I'm judging you, right? We can't turn it off. And it's not a bad thing. You see, your brain's job is to keep you safe. And to prove you right. Those are the 2 main things your brain's working on all the time. And to do that, it has to be monitoring your environment for potential threats, right? So that's why we're constantly judging. I just invite people to see it. Now, judgment implies comparison with some standard. So analyze that for just a minute. You can't really judge something unless you have something to judge it. Against, right? Or in comparison to. Like, sometimes when I'm giving a keynote, I'll ask my audience, am I a tall man? And people are like, uh, yeah, kind of, I think, probably. I mean, they have their response, right? And then I put up a picture of me, a slide standing next to Mark Eaton. Now, you remember Mark? John, what do you know about Mark Eaton?

He was a basketball player. And is he 7— was he 7'4?

7'4. And John, I'm 6'2, but next to Mark Eaton, I mean, I come up to maybe his shoulder, right? I look like a shrimp. So am I a tall man or not? Well, your answer obviously depends on who Or what you compare me to. So you have to have a standard of comparison. That makes sense. So in our mind, in fact, I've developed a model about this, and you're familiar with the model, John. I've trained your team on it.

Yep.

And it's a visual model, and I know we're doing an audio podcast. So you guys who are listening, don't worry about that. I've got you covered. If you'll go to drpauljenkins.com, spelled with a D. Drpauljenkins.com/insight, spelled like John spells it, I-N-C-I-T-E, you will get a free download of a mini book where I describe this model. And I've even got a picture of me with Mark in there. But here's, here's the model. It is what it is. Also annoying depending on who's saying it and why. Right? But all it means is the way things are. It's your current circumstances. It's who you are. It's what, what you're doing. It's what you have. It's who you're with. It's the way things are without changing anything. What is your brain doing with your current circumstances? It's judging. Okay, in the model I call that evaluation. Because it's a nicer word. It's less judgy than judging. But evaluation is the same thing. You're constantly evaluating what it is. Well, to evaluate your circumstances, you have to have something to compare it to. And if you don't have something to compare it to, you'll make something up. And you've got a really great imagination. So, can I share a personal example of this, John?

Sure, go ahead.

A couple of months ago, I'm sitting here, I'm minding my own business. I get a call from my oldest son, Ryan, and he says to me, Dad, I have cancer. You know, that hit me like a ton of bricks. My son has cancer. He's like 34 years old. He's got cancer. He's got 5 kids all under the age of 9, the last of whom was born about A week before I got this call. So just let that sit in. Now, what is my brain doing with that? What is your brain doing with it? It's judging, right? And you're like, oh crap, that's what I did. Now, I didn't tell you yet that this cancer has not, as far as we know, metastasized. Okay, it hasn't spread to other organs or systems in his body. It's all contained In in his thigh, basically. He's responding well to the treatments. Okay, now as I add additional information, what happens? You're like, oh, okay, right? And I practice what I preach, John, because when I got that call, I heard my brain saying this: Oh, and you have that initial kind of shock reaction. But then my brain gave me this. I'm glad I didn't just get a call from my daughter-in-law saying that my son had been killed in a head-on collision. Okay, now what just happened? So here's the obvious: we have to judge our circumstances. We're going to do it when we compare what it is to something better. We feel worse. I know this isn't rocket science. It is psychological science, however. Okay, so just check it out. So as long as I'm comparing my son has cancer to something better, like my son doesn't have cancer, then I'm gonna feel really bad about this. Okay, but what happens when I compare my son has cancer to Well, he, he wasn't killed in a head-on collision. Then I'm like, oh yeah, I'll take this, right? I feel better about what it is. Notice it doesn't take away all the pain. It doesn't take all of the challenge out of that situation. It puts me in a different position. Now, the word position and attitude are interchangeable in psychology. Okay, what is your position relative to this thing? And that changes how I feel about it. I can feel grateful for something that I initially thought was bad. But that's only half the model because we're not done yet. That's evaluation. There's something else your brain is always doing that you can't turn off any more than you can turn off evaluation and judgment or gravity. And how often do you get up and, and wonder, huh, I wonder if gravity's on today? Tends to be, right? Well, this is a principle of psychology, just like gravity is a principle of the natural universe. The other element is creation. You are constantly creating. Your brain has to create. I think it's part of our divine nature that we are creators. We're going to go create something. And, you know, all these years I've been in psychology, I can't even tell you how many people have come to consult with me and they describe the mess That exists in their life, and somewhere in my mind I get fired for this sometimes. But somewhere in my mind I'm thinking, "Ah, you are a powerful creator." Look at this amazing mess you've made, right? But they don't want to. There's two different mentalities: there's a victim mentality, and there's an agent mentality. And victims see the mess in their life, and they're like. This is terrible. And they want to blame someone or something else for this mess, right? Agents look at the mess in their life and they still don't like it. This is good news. And you're like, wait, what? Yes, this is good news because if I can make a mess, I can make— and that's good news. Then we get busy steering it. I mean, how long would it take to go make a mess in your life?

5 seconds on social media.

Right?

Yeah.

You could do some pretty messy things in a very short period of time. And what stands between you and actually doing that? Your choice, your agency. And so, once you connect with the fact that you can create Then you get to start steering it. Pick a direction that you're going to take this. You can make something better or, or something worse. Um, so this is a powerful model, but just go to the feelings for a minute, because what is to be, what we're creating, doesn't exist yet. Obviously, we haven't created it yet. So, the only place it really exists now is in our imagination of it. And everything has to be imagined before it can be created. That's true. You look around your office, everything that's there, somebody thunk first. I don't know if thunk is a word, John. Can we use that?

We'll ask Webster to add it.

Yeah. Well, yeah, when we're creators, we can create words. Right? We make up words in psychology. It makes us feel smart. But think about the feelings for a minute when you consider where you are, and then you think about what is to be, what's coming. How do you feel when you imagine or predict or expect or anticipate that what's coming is even worse than what you've already got? How do you feel?

Bad.

This, my friend, is anxiety. Yeah, you say bad. This is— that's 30 years of clinical experience in a nutshell right there. When we imagine that what's coming is even worse than what we've already got, we feel anxiety. And this is all represented in that visual model that I promised to give you guys if you go get that little mini book. When we imagine— connect with this— when we imagine or predict or expect or anticipate that what's coming Is even better than what we've already got. How do we feel?

Hopeful, right?

Yeah. And you nailed it right there. This is hope. This is hope. And just as a little side note, the number one risk factor for suicide is hopelessness. And I just shared with you how we can create hope on demand. Which means we're losing far too many people because they don't know how to operate the equipment. They think their circumstances are what's causing their feelings, and it's not. It's their thoughts about their circumstances. And until you see it as a choice, it's not. You just roll with whatever your programming is.

And something I'm curious on the— when— until they see it as a choice. What can you do to help people see that it's a choice other than obviously having them get your book?

Yeah, I come in and teach them the model in your conference room. That's what I did. And this is something I love about working with organizations like yours, Jon, at Insight Tax. You have an awareness that it's important. And even crucial to understand how to operate the equipment of your own mind. Everything that you're doing to produce value for your customers and your clients, of whom I am one, is based on the the well-being of every member of your team. And you get this. There's a lot of organizations that just think, you know, crack the whip and get. get as much as you can, squeeze every last drop of energy or life out of your employees. And, and it just doesn't work. But back to your question, until you see it as a choice, it's not. And this is obvious but unnoticed because it— and when we're inside of our own head, we just roll with our programming until we stop long enough to We call it mindfulness or metacognition. Metacognition is one of those psychobabble words. It just means thinking about thinking. And even as I mention it, notice that you can do this. You can think about your thinking. That is good news, because if you can think about it, if you can be aware of it, if you can notice it, then you're back in a position of choice. Metacognition creates a space. It's in that space. That choice exists. And until you see it as a choice, it's not. That's why I love that you create opportunities for your team to see it. Now, what they do with it after that is up to them.

Sure.

But until you see it as a choice, it's not. And I'm not here to tell you how to think. I don't have that kind of authority. But I do want you to see that you are thinking, and then it puts you back into that position of choice.

But to your point before, right, you like, you illuminate the obvious. That's what you said your job is. And so while you can't tell someone how to think, you can certainly point out when you think this way, like just on the diagram you showed, right? If I'm thinking this way, if I'm evaluating a situation that is better, I'm going to feel worse.

As long as I'm judging my circumstances against something better, I'm going to feel worse about my circumstances. Yeah, but notice this: your circumstances, and I don't even care what they are. I shared with you mine. My current circumstance is my son has cancer. Okay, is that good or bad? I don't know. Pick a position. It's better than some, worse than others, right? But isn't that true of all of our circumstances? When you accept that, and those are two presumptions that I work on, that what it is, first of all, is all you've got by definition. I'm not saying it's all you could have. I'm saying it's all you got. It is what it is, and what it is is always. John, my editor, tells me to always avoid the word always. Yeah, never use the word never. Yeah, what it is is always between better and worse by our own judgment. You can always imagine something worse. No matter how bad it is. Is that true? What about like, like 9/11? Terrorists crashing planes into buildings, thousands of people dying. How could it possibly be worse? One more plane.

Yeah, one more plane, another—

One more casualty. Yep. It can always be worse. And I don't intend that to be a morbid exercise. I just want to illuminate that. And when we are judging our own circumstances, if we compare it to something worse, we're going to feel better about what we got. It doesn't make all of the pain go away. We're still dealing with cancer, but I am so grateful that it is what it is and not something worse. Can you see I'm not pretending that? And it really does bring relief. Well, that energy— see, here's something else that I I train. I talk to your group about it. Energy precedes outcome. Energy precedes outcome. And so, whatever we're doing in evaluation mode has a direct impact on what we're going to go do in creation mode. Quick example, somebody comes home and they're like, I hate my job. My employer's trying to squeeze the lifeblood out of me. I have to work overtime and I get underpaid and overworked and it sucks in the economy and the weather. And, and then they go home and they yell at their spouse and kick their dog, which is making it worse, by the way, right? But what if we come at the creation mode with a sense of gratitude and abundance for the rich blessed existence that we live. Well, what— how likely are we then to go do something productive? This is, by the way, one of the reasons the 3.3 rule works. It helps people to get into a place of peace, joy, abundance, gratitude as they refresh themselves, as they enjoy their life. And from that space, they are far more like— we've got studies that prove this. Far more likely to go be productive from that energy. Energy precedes outcome.

100%. Well, everyone, we are close to the end of our time here, and I can tell you because I've sat through hours and hours of his— of Dr. Paul's training, he is scratching the surface. Take advantage of his offer for the— his Free Positivity book. It's drpauljenkins.com/insight, as in insight tax. drpauljenkins.com/insight. His messages have transformed our organization and the way people approach work, the way they're productive. And I, I know for a fact it's also blessed their personal lives. Thinking about your thinking, and especially this model he has, it's so simple. And as he illuminates how obvious it is, You really do see that it's a choice. And if you're leaning towards, I tend to be more of a victim, you're going to see a lot more power and control over your life just by understanding this model. I know it's worked for me. Dr. Paul, thank you so much for being here. Everyone, remember, profit is a choice. Have the courage and wisdom to choose it.

Thank you.