EP 3: Marriage: God's Takeover Not Sides

Welcome to the Thirst with Hunger podcast with Pastor Sandy Edwards, where we destroy every obstacle that hinders people from knowing God. Here you'll be challenged, encouraged, and equipped to pursue his presence, walk in truth, and live with bold faith. Let's dive in.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Thirst with Hunger podcast. I'm your host, Pastor Sandy Edwards, and I am so excited to be back with you to share with you another topic that is very near and dear to my heart, and that is marriage— God's takeover, not sides. One of the things I've really noticed that is a pattern in this generation is that the institution of marriage is not Honored. There seems to be this overall perspective that marriage is something that the world invented, and how we view our spouses and how we treat them and how we value the institution of marriage, how we honor it, how we display our love for one another should be birthed out of these worldly concepts and these worldly ideologies about what marriage is. But the first thing I want to just go ahead and lay out there on the table is that marriage Has always been God's idea. He created it. He established it. He's the one who governs it. Even if the world has changed the idea of what marriage is or what it looks like, it has always been God's idea. It has always been God's plan, and it has always been God's work. And because it has always been God's work, It has always been his idea and it has always been his institution. That means that we don't get to change marriage because we don't like that that is God's institution or his idea, or we don't like what he says about marriage and how we should function in that marriage. As someone who has been married for almost 10 years now, There are a lot of things that I came into my marriage with, um, I was very ignorant about because I didn't grow up seeing healthy marriages. I didn't grow up seeing what it looks like to be holy as a wife, as a mother. I didn't grow up seeing that. So because what I was used to was not the way that God designed for marriage to be, I came into my marriage broken. I came into my marriage as a woman who had this idea that my role and my understanding should be to control my husband and to speak down to him and to make him feel less than and all of the things. And so I didn't grow up understanding how to be a wife. And just because I didn't grow up that way doesn't mean That God doesn't have the ability to teach me what it means and what that looks like to be a wife who pursues God first, but also overflowing out of that place, out of my relationship with him, being able to be a wife who shows up in her marriage as the woman God created me to be and not control and not feeling like I have to prove myself even in my marriage or proving that I am someone and that I am this and I'm not those things. So just because I didn't grow up with that understanding doesn't mean that God can't correct my course in my marriage and show me what it means to really be a wife who is full of the Holy Spirit, who moves intentionally as led by the Holy Spirit, and who really loves Jesus. And out of that comes the overflow of the fruit that my husband will get to experience. And so the word of God says that marriage is supposed to be a reflection of God's relationship with the church. And the very first question I want to ask is, how will this marriage between you and your spouse— how will God get the glory If it's not first bloody and broken, if there's no wrestle, if there's no moments that cause the two to become one, if there's no forgiveness or spiritual growth and spiritual maturity, how will we reflect God's relationship with the church if it doesn't look like God's relationship with the church? Because Jesus is the one who gave us access to God. And he is the way to God. And so if it doesn't first look messy, or there is nothing that is happening that is actively causing the two to become one, how will we display God's glory to the world? If the marriage— and we say these things as blanket statements, we say that marriage is supposed to be a reflection of God's relationship with the church. But how is my marriage the reflection of God's relationship with the church if I have this expectation that I'm never going to have to go through anything, that I'm never going to learn what it means to forgive and work through conflict and work through hard things? Now, that doesn't mean that you remain in situations that are abusive verbally, mentally, emotionally, all of the things. But what it means is that If I go into my marriage with a perspective that is not biblical, somewhere down the line, 5 years, 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the road, I am going to encounter something that's going to almost alter my faith. Not because the marriage is so bad that it needs to be thrown away, But because I went into my marriage with this expectation that this person is going to meet all of my needs, that they're going to be perfect, that they're never going to make any mistakes. And I know that we have this idea that, oh, I didn't come into my marriage thinking that my spouse was going to meet all of my needs. And I didn't come into my marriage thinking that all of my needs would be met and that all of the things would be happening, that he would be perfect. But if you really get down to the root of it, some of our disappointment has to do with the fact that we came into the marriage with a perspective or some type of idea that was not biblical, and we didn't even consult with God about our understanding before we went into the marriage. So then you come into the marriage with this person who comes from an entirely different family. than you, who comes from an entirely different background and upbringing than you, and you are having to adjust to a culture shock because you didn't go into the marriage with the expectation that this person came into our marriage, into this covenant, with an entirely different worldview than me. And as we become one with God, because the two have now become one when we enter into covenant with God, as we grow in that covenant, As that covenant continues throughout the years, God's going to strip, he's going to prune, he's going to tear down, he's going to build up over and over and over again. That's what's going to happen in the marriage. And so yes, you can go into your marriage asking all of the right questions about finances and babies and children and perspectives on How to raise children and finances and how we should spend money. You can ask all of those questions, but there are some things you will never experience until you are right in the middle of your marriage. And there is a rock and a hard place, and there is stubbornness, and there is pride, and someone has to humble themselves. And even if the other person doesn't automatically jump into the space of humility, what does it look like for me to be humble? And how do we work through this conflict of One person lacks humility, or maybe the both of us lacks humility. How do we address both of those issues without treating each other like we are the enemy? And so everything that I've learned about marriage came from working with God through pain, through pride, and process. And for almost 10 years, I've been married to the same man who has watched God rebuild me consistently from the inside out, watching me wrestle with pride, watching me wrestle with my process in the Lord. And though our marriage hasn't been easy, it has been purposeful. And one of the things I've realized now being married almost 10 years is that marriage is not about achieving a mark of perfection. Marriage is not about him and I being able to influence other people. Marriage is not even about my selfish desires. Marriage is about giving glory to God. It is a partnership in sanctification with God. It is God's classroom for maturity. Is that it exposes the parts of you that still resist the love of God. It's where you really truly learn humility, endurance, and unconditional love. And yes, you can learn all of those things when you're not married, but there's another level of this that is very intense when you get married, when you come into covenant with God. I want you to understand that God does not take sides in marriage. He takes over. And if you've ever been in a marriage conflict with your spouse, you've likely prayed some version of this prayer. God, why won't you just fix them? You could just change their heart and then we would be fine. And we bring our spouse's flaws to God, expecting him to act as some referee to choose our side and penalize the other person. And often what God does is, is he turns his gaze directly to us and says, let's talk about you. And that can feel like rejection. It can feel like refinement. It can feel like God is digging into your heart. But I want you to understand is that when you go to God and you are praying for your husband or wife, God sees the two of you as one. He does not see you as an individual. The two become one flesh when you get married. Genesis 2:24, it says, therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. So when you go to God and you are praying for your husband or your wife, God sees you as one flesh. When the only 2 things that drive you to the place of prayer for your husband or your wife It's anger and frustration. Your motives are impure. And I believe that the Lord, in his mercy, highlights what's going on in us because we're giving a foothold to the enemy. And so we're begging God to change a person. We're begging God to change our spouse, to change our husband, to change our wife, not realizing that we ourselves also have A different degree of the same issue because the two are one. So when you pray to God, he sees you as one flesh. So when you are talking about your spouse, you're actually talking about yourself also. And I know that we don't want to accept that kind of responsibility because there is a part of us that still feels like an individual in our marriage. And it's not to say that you are just like your husband in that you guys talk the same, you think the same, you believe the same. That's not what this means. What this means is that when it comes to the spiritual nature of your prayers and your relationship with your spouse, God sees the two of you as one. So when you go to God and you're praying to God and you say, God, change them, we would be okay if you just make them like this. And the reason why God highlights you to you in that moment is because the two are one flesh. So when you're praying to God and there's an issue in your marriage, God is never going to take your side. He's going to take over because God is invested in the destiny for the one flesh. He's invested in the destiny of the two of you together, not individual. So when you shift your perspective to understanding that when I go to God and there's an issue, it doesn't mean I don't pray about specific things that I see showing up in the life of my spouse. It doesn't mean any of that. What it means is that if I'm going to approach God about a problem, I need to also make sure that my heart is pure. And it doesn't mean I don't confess to the Lord that this issue that is happening in my marriage is causing my heart to break, and my heart is broken, and I feel despair, and all of these things. It doesn't mean I don't address that. What it means is that when I go to the Lord, I have every intention to not be seen Unto God as a covenant breaker. Because some of us, we only want our spouses to change for our benefit. We don't want them to change because the Lord Jesus wants to overcome and take over parts of their life and grow them into the area of submission and surrender. Some of us only pray because we're selfish. We don't want to really see that man or that woman come into the likeness of who God has created them to be. And so we pray from this place of, I just want them to change so that I feel better. And again, marriage is not about fulfilling your selfish ambitions. Marriage is not about fulfilling your selfish Ambitions. And part of the reason that we come into marriage with this idea that I'm gonna always feel like I'm floating on cloud nine and all the things— the reason we go into marriage with that idea is because we sit and we watch other people online and we compare our spouses or we compare our lives To someone else and we say, oh, I love how they live their life out loud, so I'm gonna go try to create that at home. Or I love how so-and-so husband shows her this amount of public affection, so I'm going to expect that out of my spouse. And the moment that your spouse doesn't give it to you, then all hell breaks loose in your house. And it's because this desire was birthed out of sin. You were coveting another person's marriage. You were coveting another person's husband. It was birthed out of sin. That desire was birthed out of sin. So then I'm now disappointed because my expectation that was birthed out of sin was not met. And you can't even enjoy and appreciate who your spouse is and their journey with the Lord because you're so busy comparing them to someone that you're not married to. You are married to the person that is in your house sitting right in front of your face, who you sleep next to every night, who is in your home. You are married to an individual that is on their own journey with God. God is the one who is responsible for maturity in your marriage, and that maturity, whether it's spiritual, whether it's personal, God is responsible for that. We are not. We are not in control of what God is doing in the life of our spouse. However, we can partner with God to see the plan, to see the purpose come to pass for that person. And then we have to ask ourselves, why aren't we willing to be patient with our spouse in their own journey with God? We expect God to be patient with us personally, right? And we expect God to do all of the things that he always promised us. And we ask God for mercy, and we, we ask other people to pray for us and to be patient and give us grace. But with the person that we sleep next to, We're hard. We don't want to be patient with them. We want it to be overnight. You just need to get it. You just need to understand it right now. And I want you to think about, as a spouse, how you would feel knowing that there were parts of your life and your heart and your mind in Christ that are, that are not all of where it should be. And instead of your spouse being patient with you, they rush you. They tell you, you ought to know this by now. You ought to be this by now. Well, I just see that so-and-so's husband is like this and they treat them like that. Why can't you treat me like that? Where we get stuck in the trap of comparison, looking at other people instead of looking to Christ, who is the head of our marriage. The moment you start shifting your perspective into this place of who's right and who's wrong, you've lost sight of, of what's righteous. Because again, God will not choose your side against your spouse because in his eyes, you are on the same side. So there, there is no side in a marriage. There is no side. And we don't like to hear that because we want to feel justified in our behaviors and our thought patterns that are not Christlike. And this language that I'm using may sound very foreign to some of you who are listening to this podcast because you're probably under the impression that, oh, who are you to tell me that I don't get to pick a side? And who are you to tell me that I'm not right? But again, if we say that our marriage is a reflection of God's relationship with the church. And we read scriptures about how a husband gives him— himself up for his wife. That is the very act of death, which is what Jesus did on the cross. And we make excuses about why we respond, why we react, why we do the things that we do to one another in our marriages. And we say, well, nobody's perfect, but the expectation is not for perfection. The expectation is for sanctification. And we understand that this is how we may feel, and we are allowed to say how we feel. We are allowed to address our humanity. In our marriages, we are allowed to communicate to one another about how that other person is making us feel. It does not mean that everything we feel is valid. What it does not mean is that I now take my emotions and use them to manipulate my spouse. What it means is I take my emotions, I acknowledge them, I get them out there in the open because we don't want to keep secrets or stifle how we feel or begin to suffocate our emotions. What we want to do is bring it to the light and have a conversation about what's the truth and what's not. And you may be like me where you didn't grow up seeing how to handle conflict in a healthy way, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn. Because if the Holy Spirit lives on the inside of you, you should be bearing the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, which is joy, which is patience, kindness, all of the fruit. It should be in your life. There should be evidence of sanctification as you grow with your spouse. There should be evidence. And so in those moments where it is hard, And you don't know what the answer is, and you feel like your heart is beating outside of your chest, and you are in a heated argument and all of the things— when you're done doing all of that, it needs to come back to the attention of being on Jesus and how does he want us to handle this situation. But if you don't learn how to die to yourself daily, also in your marriage— because we think that dying to ourselves only applies to salvation, it also applies in your marriage. We wrestle not against flesh and blood also applies in your marriage. Ephesians 6:12, for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil. In the heavenly places. That scripture also applies to your marriage. So when you begin to see pride manifest in yourself, when you begin to see pride manifest in your spouse, you wrestle not against the flesh and the blood. Remember that you are on the same side. So when you see these spirits begin to manifest in your spouse, In that moment, you should work as unto the Lord with an understanding of the Holy Spirit who is your very present help in trouble. And the trouble could be you're in a heated conflict in your marriage. The trouble could be some situation happened that is breaking your heart. The trouble could be adultery, infidelity. It could be anything. The trouble, whatever it is in your marriage, identifying it. And you could simply just pray even in your frustration, even in your anger. And it doesn't mean that you get it right every single time. It just means that I press towards the mark of the high calling, which is Jesus, even in my marriage. And I look at that, that spirit that is manifesting in my spouse or within myself, and I say, you know what? I'm wrestling not against the flesh and blood, the flesh that is me and my spouse. I'm not wrestling against that. I'm wrestling against a principality, against a ruler, and against evil and wickedness in high places, spiritual forces. I am wrestling against that because again, it's not about sides in marriage. God does not take sides. He does not take sides. I'm never going to be able to overcome this issue with my spouse if I see pride being manifested and then I take on the identity of that pride, and then we both just prideful. We're not gonna win or overcome the enemy or overcome this spiritual force. We're not going to be able to wrestle against If I meet pride with pride, if I meet arrogance with arrogance, if I meet manipulation with manipulation, if I meet lies with lies, we're not going to be able to wrestle effectively or defeat the enemy in our marriage because God's not taking sides. We're never going to be able to defeat the enemy. If we meet each other with the same spiritual principality, we're not going to be able to do it. So if we feel defeated, it is a direct result of a lack of surrender together. And if we truly understood covenant, and if we really want to see God's purpose and his plan fulfilled in our marriages, we have to make sure that we understand the concept and the institution and how God wants us to fight in the marriage. We're not going to be able to wrestle against the devil effectively in our marriage if we continue to fight against flesh and blood. So the war that you're actually fighting in your marriage is, is not one another. You look at your spouse and all you see is their problem or their issue. You never see the, the thing that God is doing, or, or even partner with the Lord to help bring that out, because you've listened to people teach you about how, well, it's the husband's responsibility to lead the wife. And it is. But the wife also has a responsibility. You submitting yourself unto God as a wife partners with God to help bring out the leadership that God desires for your husband to walk in. So if you are always looking at what's not perfect about your husband, If you are always looking at what he isn't yet, if you are always thinking about what he doesn't give you, and you're spending all of your time focused on that instead of submitting yourself to your husband, this is why joy is inexistent in your marriage. Because you're so focused on thinking about all the things that he isn't. But what about the things that you aren't? What about the parts of you that make it hard for that man to lead you? You feel like you always have to have the last word. And I've been there. You feel like you always have to say things a certain way. And then the moment that you feel disappointed, you go and smear your husband's reputation or your wife's reputation to other people online, and you expose them and you talk about them. And then when they go in public, they're— they don't know that other people know this about them, but you expect everyone else to treat them the same when you have exposed their weaknesses to other people. And that doesn't mean that we don't go to counsel. That doesn't mean that we don't go to therapy to handle our issues. That doesn't mean that we don't seek out pastoral marriage counseling. couples therapy, all of that. It doesn't mean that. But what it does mean is that using wisdom to understand when and how to move and how to navigate issues in your marriage. Do we consult the Lord before we say anything about our spouse to someone else? Did you consult with God? And so your spouse is not your enemy. They are your One flesh partner. The real enemy is the accuser of the brethren. He hates your marriage, and his primary goal is to separate what God has joined together. And he does this by convincing you that your flesh and blood partner is the adversary. He uses offense, bitterness, miscommunication, and pride as footholds to turn a unified front Into 2, 2 people who are at war with one another. And that brings us back to Genesis 2:24. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife. This isn't like some practical self-help advice about moving out. It's spiritual direction. Why must you leave to cleave? Because you are not just 2 individuals coming together. You are 2 bloodlines. And as Ephesians 6:12 tells us, that there are principalities, powers, and spiritual forces attached to generations. That means that when the 2 of you get together, there are patterns of sin, generational strongholds, and specific spirits of darkness that have warred against your family line and your spouse's family line. And they don't disappear on your wedding day. They don't disappear on your wedding day. So that act of leaving is a spiritual severing of the ungodly authority those bloodline principalities have held over you as an individual. The act of cleaving is the establishment of a new covenant between you, your spouse, and God. And so when you come into covenant, a new spiritual entity is formed. That's that one flesh union. And this new union should operate under the direct authority of Jesus Christ. This is why the battle feels so intense when you get to a certain point in your marriage or when a certain situation rises to the surface or something happens that shakes the very core of your foundation and your faith. That's why it's happening. And that's why it feels so intense, because now there is an entire new generation, new covenant that God is forming. And how can the new covenant be established except the old one gets torn down, ripped apart, never to come back to the surface again? And this is not an easy overnight process that can happen. It takes God, it takes Jesus, and a process and a journey to work through these things. But again, if you go into your marriage with the expectation that everything is going to be peaches and cream, you're never going to have to go through anything, everything's always going to be this, you don't understand the spiritual warfare that comes with a God-ordained marriage, you will want to leave your marriage instead of leaving the cleave. You're just gonna leave. Do you know that there are so many marriages that would not have ended in divorce that God did ordain had there been a simple understanding or someone to provide counsel to say, I know you didn't come into this marriage with this understanding that there will be Some areas of spiritual warfare and things you will have to engage in and work through and process. And I know you want to quit, and I know you want to give up, but what did God say about your union? What did God say about this marriage? What did God say was the purpose for this marriage? And there's so many of us who, when we see these flaws in our spouse, Because we hear other people talk about this superficial area, this superficial level of marriage, and they just paint it like it is all good, peaches and cream all the time. You're never going to have to go through anything. And that doesn't mean, again, as I'm going to say, that doesn't mean that you stay with someone who consistently abuses you, manipulates you, all the things. It doesn't mean that. But at the end of the day, you have a responsibility to God to answer to him about the decisions that you make. in your covenant. And some of us, we want to give up too easily. We see these flaws, we see spiritual immaturity, we see some things that aren't quite there, and we're just like, well, so-and-so husband, um, you know, is more mature, and this man that I met is more mature, or this woman that I met is more mature, and mine isn't. But you have a responsibility to God about the person you're married to. Not that person you work with, not that person that you see at church and that couple that you see at church. You're not in their marriage. You're in your own. There are so many marriages that God never intended to end in divorce, but it did because there was no death to self. There was no saying, you know what, this is a very weak time for me. This is a very weak point. But I know what the Lord said, and I know his promise. And that means right now, even though it's hard, that means right now, even though I can't see the, the way that God is going to bring reconciliation to this situation, even though I can't see it, I'm going to keep pressing towards the mark of the high calling because I understand that my marriage is not about fulfilling my selfish ambitions. And it doesn't mean that my needs shouldn't be met because that is a truth. That means that my needs will be met. God will see to it that the needs will be met. And I may have to go through some things that, that will challenge my perspective about what my needs really are. But at the end of the day, I'm going to make sure I seek the Lord before I say and before I do anything. And that doesn't mean that you get it right every single time. It means that I'm going to do the best I can with the help of the Holy Spirit to be a wife or a husband, the one that God ordained for me to be. I'm going to be that by the grace of God, by the mercy of God, and with the help of God. And so at some point, the prayers need to shift from, God, look at how my spouse is not this. God, look at how my husband isn't that. God, look at how my wife isn't that. And it needs to go to, you know what, Lord? You have a plan and a purpose for this person and this individual. Before the foundations of the world, you knit them together in their mother's womb, just like you did me. And Father, we stand in covenant with you. And so God, I expect that your plan and your purpose will come to pass for this man or woman of God. They belong to you before they belong to me, Lord. They belong to you. Before they belong to me. So Father, I'm asking you from— to give me the gift of mercy, to give me grace, to teach me what it means to steward my covenant with my husband or wife. That needs to be the prayer. Because you cannot stand on holy ground before the Lord and pray with bitterness and, and and false accusations and resentment in your heart. You cannot intercede for someone that you secretly resent. 1 Timothy 2:8 says, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling. And so we got to understand that control— the reason why we feel the need to control our spouse is because we are fearful. We fear that they're going to disappoint us again. We fear that they're not going to meet this specific need. We fear that they're not going to do what they said. We fear that they're not going to be able to be trusted. We fear all of these things. We fear, we fear, we fear. And that is why we feel the need for control. And because control is fear in disguise, and God has not given us a spirit of fear, And it's not intercession when I'm praying from this place of control. You, you talk to God and you say, I want my spouse to be this, and God's not going to submit to your control. You're gonna have to submit to God. You cannot dominate your spouse into healing and deliverance. Your responsibility is to obey God and what he said for you to be doing. And you cannot serve and submit to God and submit to your spouse and try to be in control too. One of the two have to die, and it gotta be you. It has to be you. It has to be you. Genesis 2:18 says, then the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him. So what would happen if you went into the place of prayer understanding that, one, you are the helper fit for your spouse? And because you are the helper fit for your spouse, that means that your prayers are seen by God as a measure of help. For your spouse, but the way that you have used prayer is to complain, not understanding how much authority and how much power you have been given from God. Your prayers are a measure of help. Your prayers are a measure of help. Your prayers. Are of help. Suitable here in the Hebrew means corresponding to, face to face. Your prayers are a measure of help. They are a tool that God used to correspond. And meet your spouse face to face. So knowing that, you now can shift your mind from always praying about the flaws that your spouse has and pray from the place of power. Understanding that because I'm suitable for him, God will use my prayers to correspond and to show himself face to face to my spouse. So instead of complaining about what my spouse isn't and all the things that they're not doing and all the imperfections. And all of their flaws, I can use my words in prayer. I can use my praying in the Holy Spirit to send God in the direction of my spouse, to correspond and meet them face to face. Instead of coming to God with selfish ambition, understanding that a marriage covenant and a narcissistic spirit—they can't coexist. One will destroy the other. So selfishness, pride, and Self-serving ambition is anti-marriage, anti-covenant. James 3:16 says, for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every evil practice. And this disorder unravels. It is that chaos that erupts when 2 people refuse to become one because one or both is committed to themselves. The works of the flesh listed in Galatians are poison to covenant. Enmity, Strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions. Galatians 5:20. They are not just bad habits, they are covenant breakers. Enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, as expressed in Galatians 5:20, are not Just bad habits. They are covenant breakers. And this is why God is so aggressive in dealing with each of us, because he's at work to kill that individualistic striving for myself and only caring about myself, that flesh. He's at work to kill it. And so if we're wondering why our marriage is reaping the fruit of this destruction and reaping the fruit of this evil environment and all of this strife and all of these things that are happening, Galatians 6:8 gives us an answer. It says, for the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap. eternal life. And that applies in our covenants, in our marriages. If you're constantly sowing to get things that your flesh wants to accomplish, you will reap corruption. And you're wondering why all of these things are happening in your marriage is because you've been sowing in the flesh, sowing in the flesh. And it says, but the one who sows to the Spirit Will from the Spirit reap eternal life. So you want your covenant to be blessed? You want God to move? You want to see supernatural things happen in your marriage? Stop sowing in the flesh. Stop having enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions—all that. They're not bad habits; they are covenant breakers. You gotta deal with it aggressively. So, sowing to your flesh looks like your pride, your need to be right, your self-serving demands, your refusal to forgive. And that's what causes the corruption. That is the decay and the death of your marriage. That flesh has to die. And it's either you will willingly crucify it through repentance and humility, or it will kill your union. And so the prayer that changed everything for me when my marriage was headed in the direction of divorce is I really began to understand that the call to submission in marriage is not one-sided. It begins in Ephesians 5:21, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. This means both, both have to die daily. And I had to stop praying, God, change him. And I did not start praying, God, change me. Instead of focusing on What was wrong with him and what was wrong with me. I began to say, search my covenant, God, and know our hearts, which is in Psalm 139:23-24. Instead of search me, because again, God sees us as the one flesh, I said, search us, oh God, and know our hearts. Try us and know our thoughts, and see if there be any grievous way in us, and lead us in the way that is everlasting. Because it's when humility becomes the tone of your prayer, heaven becomes the atmosphere of your home. God doesn't choose sides. He is the side. He's not interested in just making you comfortable and putting things at ease. He's interested in your sanctification. And so you have to lay down control, lay down the frustration, and you gotta take off your shoes, take off your boxing gloves, take off your desire to be right, your need to always be right. And understand that your covenant is holy ground and let God take over.

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