#501: Recovering Self-Belief In Relationships pt 1

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The thing I felt I failed with was my marriage because I never in this, never on this earth, thought my husband would leave me.

The story you're about to hear is real. A real client working with David Hulman to achieve extraordinary results. David has worked with high performers such as Olympic athletes and business owners, as well as those looking to develop meaningful relationships. Aside from names and certain characteristics which have been changed to protect clients confidentiality, all other details are true. This special season is brought to you by the Self Belief Chief podcast.

In this episode, I'm speaking to a client who's recently gone through heartbreak. It's making her question pretty much everything, including her previous relationship. She also shares something quite personal about what she's missing in her life and helps me understand exactly what she's looking for from me. But a key part of this episode is going to be this. You can't control the events in life, but you can control what they mean. Let's get into the episode.

And I think the thing I felt I failed with was my marriage because I never in this, never on this earth thought my husband would leave me. I was that confident of the relationship with, that we had. So that completely threw me. Completely. And then for it to happen again and then to lose my dad, I had. I have nobody now in my life who tells me things are okay or I can do things. I have to do it on my own. And that's what I find hard. So it wasn't the past, it's more the present and the future that I have this, this limitless thing and think to myself, right, well, yes, I want to meet somebody. But if I meet somebody, oh my God, it's just, they're gonna leave me. So I won't meet anybody. I'll just. Because I can look after myself. I can have my yoga, I can do a lovely time. But then I think, well, no, that's really crazy because I'd have a better time with somebody. But then I have this thing. But yeah, it's just gonna turn out shit and I haven't got my dad to say to me, no, just jump in and go and have a go. Because he would say that.

I'll ask you a question. Having just heard the client say that, what do you think she needs from me? She mentions about her father no longer being there to be that voice to say, yeah, let's just go do it. To give her that service and that confidence, that stability. So I know in a sense what my role might be here for her going forward, but I also want to address it with her. I think it's important to address it with her and get a sense of if in her mind that is something that she needs. I have been working with her for maybe a month now, so she knows me quite well. The first time she's mentioned this aspect, though. And so whilst I bring it up here, I'm really curious, does she see me playing a similar role as the one her dad played?

I've possibly only just understood what the point of me is in your life now.

Oh, bless. You haven't replaced my dad. That's awful.

No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that. I just mean someone that goes, it' okay, and yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, you are. Sorry, I'm getting emotional.

That's okay. But we all, we all need that sort of thing. Absolutely. To someone else to go, yeah, yeah, you're not, you're not crazy. It's okay.

Yeah, but you never, you never, ever judge me.

No, I don't need to. But, yeah, no, we all, we all need that thing. And I've used that phrase with other people before, which is, it's okay, and, yes, let's do it. You know, it's. Yeah.

Then I go away and think, I can do it. I just do it. And I think, well, you knew you could do it, but you needed that affirmation from somebody else to say, yeah, go for it, Go and do it.

Absolutely. Yeah, we all absolutely need that. And most, you know, that's why when I have conversations with people about working with them, a big part of it is I ask them about the aspect of accountability. Because we sometimes when we're going through that sort of dark tunnel where we can't really see anything, we want someone else who does have a torch or has been down that dark tunnel themselves before. And so we want them to be able to sort of be able to go, yeah, yeah, no, it is this way. Like, you know, you're in a tunnel. Like, you know, there must be an, like an ending to this tunnel somewhere, but it's so dark, and you keep going for so long. You're just like, well, I. I can't see anything. If I can't see anything, then why. Why should. And at that point, we sort of go, well, should I keep walking? Or should I walk back the way I came? Because at least I know there's a way out that. Back that way.

I'm about to share a story of another client who lost their father. And as painful and as difficult as it was, how they used it as a learning experience to help them continue their growth when it comes to relationships, it goes back to what I said at the beginning, is you can't control the events, but you can control what they mean. It's still painful, it's still uncomfortable. But is there a meaning that we can find that could continue to help us grow? I want to share this story with my client because I don't want to tell her what she needs to do or the this or that. Who am I to say? But if I can share a story of what someone else has done, she'll indirectly place herself in the story just to open up some possibilities of what she might be able to do and how she might be able to grow in the future.

It was a couple, and I'm speaking with this woman, and her father maybe passed away a year previously, and their relationship was a bit. A little bit rocky, and she sort of started to get quite agitated with her husband or partner. She sort of intimated that maybe. Maybe he wasn't totally sure anymore about the relationship. And obviously, you know, this uncertainty, it's sort of really, really getting to her. And she's saying. He sort of says, I don't let him in. I don't let him in. I don't let him in. I said, well, look, as awful as it is that your father's not here anymore, maybe this is the opportunity where now, with that male figure, that partner, he can really step in and be your husband now. Because before it was you had a husband, but you'd always go to your father and that he wasn't able to be a male figure in your life. I said, I don't know, but I just wonder whether he does, in fact, feel that way. She said, you know what? I'm gonna say it to him. And she came back the following week, and he. She said, he sort of was just silent and eventually found the words. And he said, that's. I don't. I didn't ever think of it like that, but a little bit like that, yeah, it's like your father's a wonderful, wonderful man. He absolutely was. And I completely abide him. But I also knew that I can replace your father, and I didn't want to, but at the same time, I wanted to be a male figure in your life. It was an opportunity for him to finally do that.

As she's nodding along, I'm going to keep going with the idea of finding new meaning for some of the tough moments in our life. I'm going to start exploring perhaps some rejection she's had previously. Here's a really crucial bit I want you to be aware of. Rejection is as painful as whatever you think it means. If you think it means you're useless, people are better looking, smarter, cleverer. You're useless. And of course, this could be incredibly painful. Finding new meaning for rejection and finding a new meaning for what to take from our previous relationships can change everything.

Do you regret any of your previous relationships?

I don't regret the relationships because I had a great time. I regret not picking up the signals that things weren't right. I regret that if I could have done. I regret the amount of time I spent with my husband. Definitely regret that. I think it could have been probably drawn to an end much sooner. When I look back now, how would.

It be possible to turn those regrets around so that they weren't regrets anymore? And what that basically means is what if they meant something? What if they weren't regrets? And I'm not saying you have to get to the point where you don't.

Yeah, yeah, no.

What if they meant something else?

Well, my husband. I don't. I don't regret. I said I don't because I've got two lovely children. They had the most amazing time. They had no idea, so they had best time. And it was only once we found out what was going on that it suddenly hit them. I've asked them on numerous occasions, did you ever think anything was wrong? No. I said, well, I've done my job, then my job's done. So I don't regret that. I don't regret. And the outfall of the divorce. I've got my own house. It's beautiful. I've got plenty of money, I don't have to work and I'm not being materialistic, so I'm not well. But, yeah, I'm really comfortable. So it allows me to do the adventures that I want to do. He inspired me. He was very much like my dad. He. He made me. Opened up the whole world of adventures. So I don't regret that. And I'm actually friends with him now, which is lovely. It's a different ball game. I really thought he was the one until now. I look, reflect and I think he was just a part of my life that was missing. I didn't have. I didn't have this guy who liked to go out all the time, dancing and drinking and food and weekends away. I didn't have that. So it's kind of exciting. I regret meeting him. I do. I regret investing two years in somebody who would finish it like he did. So I finished it. He was going to cheated on the dating apps.

So whilst you regret it, that's where part of this pain point is going to come from in terms of worry about the future. So as really wrenchingly difficult as it is to find it in difficult moments, I'm not saying you have to be happy that it happened because you never have to be happy happened.

No, no.

But sometimes if life is much easier. Again, very idealistic. Life is much easier when we believe it's happening for us not to. So if you found, if you find a way that that serves you, I think that's going to take away a lot of fear and pain.

Yeah.

So rather than it being something go, I wish it never happened. What have you got from that relationship? What might that thing be?

Yeah, it's. It's me. It's made me aware of the, the pitfalls of dating apps and I look at my friends and I've tried to advise them because of what happened to me. So, yeah, that's kind of made me very, very aware. Not wary in a good way, though. I'm able to read people better. I think if I hadn't had the experience, the, the couple of guys or the few guys I've been talking to, I probably would have met them and. But I didn't because I wasn't 100 sure. And I thought, no, I really, I'm not, I'm not investing in these people. I'm not sure about them. So it's kind of taught me to be a bit more careful, I think, ask better questions, not interrogate people, but and actually go with my gut and think, no, it's not right this. So, yeah, no, I don't, I don't regret meeting any of them. I don't regret any of the things I had great times.

What do you think are the benefits of changing that meaning and that being reinforced day after day after day after day instead of saying we have regrets, wish this never happened, actually there was purpose There was reason, there was meaning, there was growth, there was learning. That actually, for the opportunity and the time that really matters, will have developed all of these tools and resources that can help us really maximize not only our potential, but take advantage of all the opportunities, the best ones, when they present themselves. If that's reinforced day after day, that new meaning, imagine what that does to the quality of your life going forward. It's completely different. Now, the final bit we're going to do in this conversation with this client is I want to get an understanding of what has to happen for them to feel like they've really started to overcome this heartbreak. Because if we don't know the answer to that question, then how will we ever heal? So let's find out and see what would be the finish line for her.

I want you to imagine that imminently your life is finally about to come together. That thing that we're always running after, whatever it is, imagine you finally got that sense of relief, that feeling of that kind of almost ever so slight tightness that we have each day trying to run after things is gone and that everything starts to come together. You take a big breath and you exhale and you feel like, I finally. I finally did it. If you're imagining that, what has to happen for you to feel like you've crossed that particular finish line? Whether we ever cross it, I don't know. In reality.

I think the measure for me is when I wake up on the morning and not think about me. So if I can just wake up on the morning and put my music on or go for a run, do my yoga, get my breakfast and smile, I'll know I've cracked it. So when I wake up, not think, right, okay, so what we're going to plan today.

So I. The reason I'm delighted that you've just given that answer, then I'm thinking, oh, now, that doesn't usually happen because by the end, they don't have a big answer. But when I start working with people, they'd have a very big answer to that question of crossing that finish line. Something quite big and monumental would have to happen for them to feel like it's finish line. For you to say it's. It's getting up perfect.

Yeah.

Life is a hell of a lot easier when actually we're able to tick things off, especially first thing in the morning, take things off straight away to be in a good place. So I'm delighted that was the answer to the question. Yeah, okay.

And I do. I do feel I am some Days I am there. Some days I have that feeling, and it's only when I'm, like, driving to work and I think, oh, I haven't thought about the situation I'm in. How fab is that? And I have my music on full blast, and I'm driving to work and I'm walking to it. They're going, oh, my God, what have you been doing this morning? So I do have more days like that than days that I don't have.

Yeah.

So, yeah, great.

You probably heard the client pick up a little bit there, didn't you? Their energy picked up, the tone of voice changed. There's more enthusiasm. And I think part of that is when she had a clear idea all of a sudden of what healing actually looked like. She realized that she'd actually been accomplishing that on occasions, that maybe she's doing better than she thought, and that maybe there is some hope there going forward that she will be able to heal. Because heartbreak is one of those really incredibly difficult things. I know this firsthand. I've had that feeling of having your heart ripped out. I've had periods where I couldn't get out of bed for days and days and days. I had one occasion where I was about to give a present to my partner. We were sat in the park. I just got a new job at the time. I turned to go and pick up the present and give it to her. And as I turned, she said, david, I'm having doubts. I remember just freezing, not knowing what to do, what to say. And the pain doesn't come then? No, the pain comes later, the real pain. And that's when I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to function. I didn't want to see anyone do anything. I help people deal with heartbreak all the time. And there's lots of different aspects to it, lots of different stages. How to change the hormone, balance the focus, the mindset, achieving certain targets. But one of the really crucial things is finding a new, empowering meaning for the difficult moments in life, because that is what can help completely reshape your life. Life. In the series finale, we're going to revisit with this client to see actually how she's doing by that point. I've been working with her for quite a while, and I think you might be amazed with the results and the turnaround. So we look forward to speaking with her again. In the meantime, we've got other clients in the next episodes that we will be catching up with. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you again soon.

Sam.