#516: Doubt & Dating: A Session On Relationships, Love & Heartbreak

So Amy says to me, david, I really just don't meet anyone good on dating apps. It just. It just never happens. It never works. I just don't really feel connected to any of these people. Am I doing something wrong? Hello. This is the Self Belief Chief podcast. You're here with David Holman. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast. You haven't done so already. To catch up with the latest information, research, episodes, conversations. We're putting out content all of the time, so make sure to subscribe. And let's begin. So Amy's telling me about online dating. And she said, look, I just. I don't think there are any good people out there, really. I can't seem to find them. I can't see them. I said, okay, let me ask you a question. I said to Amy, do you think you're the most attractive person on that dating app? She has a decision to make. She either keeps going with a lie that there's no one good for her. She shows some humility. She goes, no, I don't think I'm the most attractive. I said, okay. Do you think you are the funniest person probably on that dating app? She's got that same dilemma. Most people, again, choose humility. No, probably not the funniest. I said, do you think you're the smartest? She says, no. I said, okay. Do you think that you're the most interesting? No. Okay. Do you think you're the most considerate and caring? No. Okay, so do you think, therefore, there are some people on that dating app that might be well suited for you? She goes, yeah, okay, I guess so. She goes, but, David, I can't find them. Now, Amy's that example, other people's example, where all the people that they do think are better than them on that dating app, they just can't seem to connect with them. Right. So there's people in both categories, right? Depends where you are. In Amy's case, she's sort of making up this thing in her mind that there's no good people on the dating app. It's not that there aren't good people. It's just that the connection communication isn't being done the right way. And part of the issue, so no fault of our own, is in science and research, they find that the. When you meet someone in real life that you find attractive, you get this kind of oxytocin rush in the body, that sort of butterfly feeling. And that's really important part of attraction. That's a really important part of attraction. Online dating app, they find you don't get it in the same way. The reason being is because it kind of, when you connect, you kind of know you like each other to a certain extent. Feels a little bit artificial, usually kind of messaging each other back and forth, so there isn't that same warmth and feeling. So it makes people a little bit kind of hesitant. So how do we create that oxytocin rush? Because that's ultimately what we're trying to do here. And how do we attract better quality people? Better quality for. For what we want is a better way of putting it. So I ask Amy, so who's your ideal partner? She goes, oh, someone tall. And maybe they're, I don't know, they're caring. I said, stop. I said, if you don't know the answer to that question, how do you know what to write in an online profile? She goes, well, I've written down everything that I like. I said, ah, that's the issue. You want to find the intersection between what you want and what your ideal partner wants to hear. Because people write. Tend to write an online profile based on everything that they want. It's not inherently bad, but bear in mind you're trying to market to someone else. So what you need to do. What we need to do with Amy was work out. And there's about 30 questions I use to help people work this out to define their ideal partner. Because once you do that, you can then work out how to write a dating profile that that ideal partner wants to hear, read and see. Does that make sense? Because people don't appreciate what we value. They appreciate what they value. They want what they value. So we got to give them what they value without compromising who we are and what we want. But what we're doing is defining what we want, what our ideal. Who our ideal partner is. And then what would that person, based on all of that information, want to hear, read and see. Because then, for example, I said to Amy, so let's look at some of the pictures you've used. And her ideal partner was described as very active, very spontaneous, very adventurous, very outdoorsy. And I said, let's look at your pictures. She's. And she has three pictures of her in a bar. Nothing inherently wrong with that. But I said, do you imagine your ideal partner regularly goes to a bar? She said, oh, no. I said, but your pictures say the opposite. They might be nice pictures of you, but they communicate the complete opposite. An ideal partner who doesn't want. Who they don't want to necessarily meet someone who Regularly goes to a bar. Just in this example, they're seeing that you regularly seem to go to a bar as half your pictures. So it makes them go not so sure because it's not exactly what they want. So every single part, we then communicate in a way which appeals to them based on, you know, the person we've described. So that actually they kind of as a bit of a checklist. When they go into profile, they're going, yes, yes, yes. And they kind of go, how? It's like the person's in my head, they understand me better than me. Now, that might be almost slightly too idealistic, but actually that's the feeling we're trying to get to and trying to create. Because imagine if someone did that for you, how amazing how great that would feel. Feel great, wouldn't it? So, and we have to be clear about what we want, right? So you find in terms of defining the ideal partner, being clear of what we want, and then based on that person, how would they like to hear, read and see that profile? Once you do that, then you can get into that land of creating a bit of an oxytocin rush, because you're really creating a deep connection. And the real key is don't list off a hundred things that you want to do because one, it's really boring talking really broadly. And two, a really important part of creating that oxytocin rush is curiosity. So if you tell someone everything, then it's, you know, they're not that interested or they're not leaning in as much. It's like when you're, you know, been in a relationship for 20, 30 years, you know every. Everything about them. Well, one of the things that kills desire is familiarity in that you know everything or you what the reality is you think you know everything about them. When I work with those people, it's actually showing them the different sides of each other that they haven't necessarily seen or to actually to get them to look each other in the eyes, to remind them who that person actually is and that there's a, you know, that there's something behind the eyes that's still attractive, that's still appealing. So we go back to Amy, we define that, and we start working out all of these things so that we can get a clearer perspective of what the ideal partner wants to hear, read and see. And then we just talk about a couple of things. What things would they, that person, be interested in? Then we create. We write some stories that we've had in our life that appeal to those things. That they value. And then maybe we leave the endings off, right? Because if I tell a story but leave it on a bit of a cliffhanger, you lean in slightly, don't you? You're curious. You're curious and you have that kind of little bit of feeling of rush and you want to know the end of the story and it just pulls you in and it gives you a way for the other person to connect with you. But if you go through those steps, you're going to be actively pushing the wrong people away because they're going to read that profile and say, this isn't really for me. But that's what you want. You want to push the wrong people away. And for the right people who are going through a sea of people online, they finally get to someone that's taken the time to give them what they value, and that means the world to them, as it would mean the world to us. So it's a really subtle shift that makes a big difference. And once Amy did that, she started attracting the better quality individuals that she was looking for and the better quality man came along. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life. We'll put a link to the Self Belief Chief website if you want to learn more in the description for the episode. We'll put some other links in there as well, so check those out and I'll speak to you again very soon.