#534: Trusting Those You Love: How Our Mindset Helps & Hurt

Aside from names and certain characteristics which have been changed to protect clients confidentiality, all other details are true. 3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast, you wonderful people. You're here with David Holman, and if you've ever asked the question, am I good enough? Whether it's in your relationships or your performance or your career or in terms of your health, whatever it might be, then you're in the right place. We're not here to hype you up. We're here to give you strategies and techniques to help you transform your life in those areas. Ones that I've shared with the highest performers, from Olympic athletes to business owners. So make sure to hit that subscribe button. Share your favorite episodes and remember, if you change today, today will change your life. A relationship without trust is like a phone without any service. All you can do is play games. And that was a quote from coolfunnyquotes.com I really liked that one. And that kind of encapsulates what we're going to talk about in today's episode. So let's go through the usual summary. You're going to hear a conversation between myself and a client. What was just happened prior to what you're about to hear is we've done some work over the previous weeks to overcome some previous heartbreak. They've happened to have met someone recently who they start to to like. But now they're starting to worry about can they really trust this person or are they going to repeat mistakes of the past. So I asked them at the moment, in terms of the balance between pain and pleasure, when it comes to love, love is always the balance between pain and pleasure. I asked, okay, so when you think about love, what percentages are they at the moment? Is it 50? Love, 50% pleasure? What is it? And she said, actually, when a good place is probably 70% pleasure, 30% pain, I said, okay. I said to her, what has to happen for it to be 80, 20? And she says, I've got to have the feeling of trust, a sense of trust in this guy that I've met. What we're about to pick up on here is actually find out what has to happen for her to feel like she has a sense of trust. Because trust is everyone wants trust, but how we see it, how we feel it is different for everyone. So I want to know in this particular woman's case, what does trust look like for her? Because trust is such a big word. It feels so overwhelming, all encompassing. But actually, what we might find out is when we try and work out what actually has to happen. What's the proof point to know that we can create a sense of trust here that actually is not as hard as we think and there's actually maybe some action we can take. So we're looking at how do we get to that 80, 20 point. So and help her start to reduce that anxiety. And later on it would be 9 to 10, etc. How do we reduce the anxiety that she's currently feeling so that she can really start to enjoy a fulfilling relationship? Let's get into it.

It's around, I think for me, trust builds when you're like really present with somebody and you're being. You're doing what you say you're going to do.

How hard is it to build trust when you feel a lack of presence yourself?

Really hard.

So rather than feeling like this is a thing where can I trust them and they need to show me something, what we can send. Actually we've got a lot more control of the situation. Maybe I need to be present in order to actually recognize whether I can trust. I don't know. You need to know. That's fine.

Yeah, that's probably true.

Okay, so let's say we're just going to write down the word presence here. Okay. So in this scenario, unbelievably present, one of the things we spoke about previously, side contact and just finding a way that you develop. But deep connection with stuff. Even in relationships where you really like the blessing of time, we struggle to make eye contact with people. I think for us, generations go by. You are totally present. You are open, ready to see what you need to see and feeling what you need to feel. Draw out the rest of the scenario for me. Right. You are super present. Allows you to. Allows you to.

My brother's here. My brother's here. So he's waving at me. Then I know he's digging out tree stumps for me because he's a legend.

So you're present and that means you're doing also, let's say you're 50% in terms of providing that deep connection to someone. Actually maybe first time in your life you're starting to work out what presence really is. And he just told me, if I can't really trust people. And the way to trust people is being present. Oh, that's funny. I don't think I've ever really been that present consistently.

It's always. It's all about presence and then really listening to what they're saying.

Okay. And then. So now We've got that bit down. Now draw out the rest of that picture for me in something. How would we know that we can trust this person? Right. I'm open, I'm present, I'm available. I'm connected in that way. Right. It's all feelings. What would he be doing being present as well? How would you know if he was present?

Just the eye contact, the ignoring your face, Having that attention. I guess there's kind of, you know, where you are, Jay, together.

Where would you be? I know this sounds like a totally dull question, but when you.

When you.

You're drawing a picture in your head, where do you actually imagine?

Kind of like in the living room.

Okay.

It's hard to like, be out together. So.

Okay, so I. I know it sounds like that sounds like a ridiculous question, but I'll get to the point in a minute. Right. So we're in the living room. We're present, they're present. What are you talking about again? Super dart question. It's like, what. Hang on. What the hell are we doing here? Like, very specific moment. What are you talking.

Yeah, no, that's a good question. I don't know that. Isn't that crazy? Things that, like, matter.

What matters to you?

Family trend and kids. Like my sports stuff.

Give me a. Take one of those and then be really specific with it.

Whatever.

One of those really matters to you. Take one of those. Be really specific in terms of what is it about it you want the ability to be able to talk about or to listen about. That would build trust.

Like something that's really, like a story, that's meaningful, that feels something that you've done. Something that really matters to you.

Is why does all of that. So we're sat in the living room. We have icon set. Let us know that we have both connected and present, which is what I'll definition for. I'm listening with my full body. And a story he is telling about his kids. And you imagine all of that. How at that point does it make you feel happy? Why does it make you happy?

Because he's sharing something that's important to him.

So we're at 70, 30. To get to 80, 20, you want greater sense of that, of that trust. That's the thing that's really going to help you. And I don't know in terms of that 80, 20.

What.

When you see that or you imagine the 80, 20, where's your anxiety with this situation?

They were.

And there you go, all of a sudden she says, there's no anxiety there. How simple Was that just in a short space of time when she starts drawing out the picture of actually how can she build trust and how can she help facilitate the trust? What does the picture actually look like for her when she starts to see that picture? It's like, well, actually that's not even that difficult. Okay, I can take some steps towards that. Maybe there's some things I can actually do to action this. Maybe I don't just have to kind of wait around and that which just creates more anxiety. Maybe there's something I can actually do that can help facilitate a sense of trust or help me find out whether this is someone I can't trust. Helps to find the answer much quicker. Okay. And of course, look in Life and get 100% trust. We don't get 100% certainty, but we really, really want to be, you know, 90% plus don't. And we get to that point, well, you know, we feel comfortable, we feel good, and then we can keep building trust over time. But really for you to understand for yourself what does the picture look like? If you want to have trust in something, what has to happen for you to have trust in it? Because I guarantee it's not as complicated as you think, it's not as big and it's not as overwhelming. And when we really remove the kind of emotional intensity around the word trust and just actually look at what, what things need to take place to help build it, we start to find some really good answers and some really sensible answers, really improve the quality of our relationships. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life and I'll speak to you again soon. Just one more thing before you go. So I hope you're enjoying the daily episodes. We put in a lot of work to keep providing content because to create permanent change needs consistency. To get that consistency, we want to make sure we keep providing you value on a daily basis. But to keep up with that pace, could we ask for one very small favor? If you could take the time to leave a five star rating either on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we'll put a link in the description for you to be able to do. So that really, really helps us out and helps us to keep providing content and as frequently as we do. And we'll do one more thing to provide some extra value. If you take a screenshot of your rating or review and send it to self beliefchiefmail.com or DM us on Instagram I will provide you with a free coaching session with myself. Okay, so it'd be fantastic if you could leave that five star rating so we can keep providing content. Just simply click on the link in the description. It'll take you directly 20 seconds. And if you want to go one step further, take a screenshot of that rating and review. Send it to selfbeliefchief@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram and we'll arrange a free coaching session for you. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day and see you on the next episode.