#570: 3 Key Steps To Managing Jealousy

Hello and welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast. You're here with David Holman. Today we're going to talk about jealousy, that nasty, horrible feeling that none of us like and just creeps into our system, makes us feel uncomfortable, inadequate, makes us feel like there's something wrong with us. And I'm going to go through three steps anyone can take to manage and mitigate the intensity of that jealousy. And that's the word I want you to really pick out here. The intensity. Is the intensity a 10 out of 10. What's the intensity when you get jealous? Because it's not about eradicating it altogether. Jealousy is feeling an emotion that's been passed down through generations. That's part of our survival makeup, the beginning of human existence. Jealousy would spur us into action to make sure we remained part of our community, our tribe, to not be isolated so it had a place. And sometimes today it feels like it. It doesn't really have, you know, the same level or requirement. But there's an even bigger problem because of the connotation, stigma that the word jealousy has. So I'm going to go through this in three steps, and all three steps, move the needle. You might find one of these steps helpful, but all three combined are what make the difference, not just one on its own. However, life's not about learning. It's about implementation. So I want you to take the part that you can hear that really connects and resonates with you and genuinely implement it in your life. Don't just hear it and go, oh, that sounds okay. Do it, use it, become it. That's what makes the difference in our lives. Step one, acceptance that jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion that we all have as a part of our lives. Now. The reason we try and push away jealousy or try and neglect it exists is because as society has moved, and especially as we get into today's generation, the idea of being possessive or having power over someone is really uncomfortable. And, you know, it's. It's something that has a very negative connotation and quite rightly in many ways, but jealousy is almost this implicit. The implicit acceptance that someone has power over us, that the way someone else is being has power over the way we are being. And that's why we try and push it away. That's why we say, I'm not jealous, I'm angry, or I'm frustrated, or it's hard to accept jealousy. But that is the first part. We've got to accept that you are not the first person in human history to be jealous. And jealousy is also a reminder that we find something valuable that maybe we've been neglecting, maybe we've not been respecting or appreciating. Maybe we come in to realize, actually I've not been doing enough in some ways. I'm not saying that's always the case. And I'm not saying that jealousy is, you know, acceptable in all cases either. But it often wakes us up to what we're not doing. So the first part is acceptance. The second part is you, what you can do, what you can control. Most people stare at the other person and want to try and get some sort of control over what they're doing, but take no responsibility for controlling the things they can control in their own life. That doesn't seem really fair, does it? So before we start talking about the other person or getting them involved, maybe we should take control of ourselves first. Now, I talked about intensity earlier, and the point being that getting rid of jealousy altogether and never feeling jealous is a silly target to have. You know, if you've got something valuable in your life, then of course at times you're going to feel jealous at points. I don't mind people feeling jealous. Anxious, sad, depressed, frustrated, angry. I can't stop you having negative thoughts and feelings. You have them. Even when things are brilliant, you have them. I cannot stop you having them. I'm not that good. But it's not about the thought or emotion. It's about whether it lasts for 60 seconds or 60 minutes, how much you dwell on it. And jealousy. The problem with it is when we dwell and dwell and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger, we make more stories and more assumptions and. And then putting more so accusations on the other person in our own heads, not dwelling on it for such long periods of time is what's going to be helpful. So I'm going to take you through a process of how to do that. It's going to take a little bit of time, but I promise it'll be worth it. I want you to write down an example of when you feel jealous. And we're going to call that a trigger. So we might say when my partner talks to someone else, it makes me feel jealous. Okay, so you'd write that down. So write that down for me. Now, the point here is there's nothing to deal with there. That's fine. The problem is the consequences that you're worrying about. That's the issue. And there are probably quite a few, and separating them out is what's going to be helpful here. So, for example, I'll speak of a client I worked with last week. She was mentioning that she gets jealous, and she gets jealous when a partner will be chatting up someone or chatting to someone from the opposite sex. And it's sort of starts to bring something, you know, internally and how it causes us a discomfort. And I said, what consequences are you worrying about? She said, well, one of the consequences is, you know, if they're chatting with this other person, then maybe, you know, they'll leave me and then I'll. I'll end up alone and I'll be alone. I said, okay, so that's one consequence. So I understand you worry about being alone, being left alone. And what's the consequence of being alone? She said, well, then I. Then I won't feel safe or secure or, you know, I won't have warmth and connection in my life or I won't have things to do. I said, okay. I said, what's another consequence you're worrying about? She said, well, it means I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not attractive enough. It means I'll. I'll feel rejected. Okay, so you don't feel good enough and you're worried, you know, you essentially be rejected again. Okay, and what would be another consequence of worry? She said, well. And she thought deeply for a moment. She said, I suppose one of the other consequences I worry about, just in my case, is if I get too jealous, I'll keep ruining connections with anyone in my life and I'll make other people upset and angry and frustrated, and I'll have a negative impact on their lives. I said, okay, thank you very much. I said, so I'm not surprised you're struggling to deal with the jealousy. You got all of those consequences you're worrying about, so let's go through them again. The fear of being alone and that they won't have things to do, they won't feel secure, they won't feel like they've got warmth in their life. The second of those consequences they were worrying about was it made, you know, what if they're not good enough? And if they're not good enough, they'll, you know, then they get rejected again. And the third one was actually having a negative impact on other people's lives and making their lives worse. Now, human beings can't deal with all of that at once. But now that we've separated those three things out, we can deal with them one at a time. So here's what I'd like you to do. I'd like you in that first column to write down the trigger. So when X happens, it makes me feel jealous. Then in column two, I'd like you to write down the individual consequences that you're worrying about. Write each of those down. And here's. Here's a real beautiful part of all of this. Those fears, those worries, those consequences, they're not yours. You have a tiny piece of the brain called the limbic. It's towards the back of the head, which basically is a part of the brain that's designed to help you survive. So it looks for danger, it looks for problems, but it's not you, it's not your personality, it's not your character. Now, if you pretend that piece of the brain, you call it your favorite cartoon when you were younger. Mine was Thomas the Tank Engine. If we think our thoughts and feelings of jealousy, for example, are us, it feels very threatening. And so that part of the brain starts to panic, and then we start to go too big with our emotions, and we. And we do rash things, and then we regret them later. If we think our thoughts or emotions are coming from a piece of our brain, that's called Thomas the Tank Engine. It's a blue cartoon train that blows steam, ups, and goes around in circles. And Thomas the Tank Engine communicates those worries to me. It's not so threatening, so I don't panic as much. So those consequences and worries come from that cartoon brain. I promise. It's not you. It's not your personality, it's not your character. And I want you to call that piece of the brain for you, your favorite cartoon. If it was Sonic the Hedgehog or Kermit the Frog or Miss Piggy or whoever it might have been, right? And you'll find you can then dissociate a little bit more from your thoughts and emotions. So let's say Thomas the Tank Engine, for example. Thomas the Tank Engine has written down those three consequences of worries. And Thomas is then asking me, are these things we need to worry about? Then what you can do with each of those consequences you're worrying about next to them is write down a rational solution for each of them. So when you separate them out, it's easier to find solutions. And what happens is, when you've written something down or say it out loud when you read it back or hear it back, when you're reprocessing it, you use the human part of the brain, as I call it, which is towards the front, and that's more solution focused. It does it automatically. So we have to get the Stuff out of our system first, write it down, say it out loud. And then as we reprocess, a different part of our brain will provide us with solutions. So for example, if I just go through one of them in this, in this woman's case, the first one, fear of being alone and that I won't have connection, I won't have warmth, I won't have things to do. I said, okay, what could the rational solution for that be? And because a different part of her brain is now being used, she immediately goes, well, that's not a partner's responsibility to make sure I'm. They give me all of the security in my life and they give me all of the things that I might want to do and they give me all of the warm warmth. No, that should be diversified. I should have friends that help me do those things as well. That I should make plans and organize things with people. I should, you know, get the right family members involved. I should grow my social circle. I should also take care of my own health mindset and well being. That would give me a sense of security. If I make plans with more people around me and have a sort of a structure and a schedule where I see people on a regular basis who may also feel the same as me. That gives me security and it gives me warmth and it gives me things to do. And if I had those things already, then I probably panic class when I felt jealous because I wouldn't worry about not having those things anymore. And she's absolutely right. So she wrote down that rational solution. Then she wrote down a rational solution for the second consequence and the third consequence. And then she's got three answers and she can see rational solutions. She can see this stuff that she can actually do. What we then do in the final column, this is the fun part, is we take the best rational solution. She says, okay, the best rational solution is I meet my own needs first. So, you know, that's what she said in that rational solution a second ago. Basically, I learn other ways to diversify me my own needs. So she said, meet own needs. And then we combine it with something that makes her unquestionably laugh. Okay, for her it was Monica Geller from friends, right? She just cries with laughter and he shouts, quote something from Monica. So and then we combine the best rational solution with the thing that makes her laugh. And she comes up with the phrase Monica's needs. And then so whenever she has the trigger, whenever she feels jealous, she stops dwelling because she just does the pattern break. She says, Monica's needs. She starts laughing, which brings down the stress hormone because it's something that makes her laugh and also builds up the dopamine level so it reduces the stress. But she's also reminded of her responsibility to meet her own needs. Does that make some sense? She also then combines it with a movement that Monica does because also, you know, jumping or, you know, star jumps or whatever, or power poses, you might have heard of those types of movements. With our whole body, they also get our stress hormone down as well. So the whole point of that exercise is whenever she has that trigger, whenever I feel jealous, do the pattern break. Monica's needs. Monica's needs. Monica's needs, Monica's needs. She has the trigger later. Monica's knees, Monica's knees. And it brings that stress hormone down so it stops us doing anything rash. Does that make some sense? So that pattern break stops us dwelling on the jealousy. We interrupt the pattern. If we stop dwelling on it, it doesn't get out of control. It doesn't get too big and too emotional and too cumbersome. Now, you might then have that trigger again. An hour later do the pattern break again. And it's the discipline of doing it that will then reduce that stress hormone and stop us acting rash or irrationally or emotionally and doing something we regret. So the first step we talked about is acceptance. The second step is basically stopping yourself from dwelling. You take responsibility for yourself. You. Because a lot of people, they'll say, I'm a jealous person, or I don't know how to control my emotions, or I am. This way, when we say I or I am, we're affirming identity. And you tell yourself that story enough times, you'll just stick to that behavior. Because the driving force of our lives is to stay consistent with our identity. So if we say, I am a jealous person, I am a jealous person, eventually our nervous system just goes, okay. We got to prove it all the time that we're a jealous person. Our brain is that smart and stupid. And I'll ask people, oh, you're a jealous person. When did you decide that? And I said, oh, I don't know. I just. I just thought that was the case. I said, well, you can't even remember when you decided that. And yet you're so certain to say over and over again that you are a jealous person. Not that you can be jealous. That's different. You are a jealousy. They're saying, I am a jealous person. No, you can be jealous, but you're not necessarily always jealous. Lots of times you could be jealous that you're not. You can be jealous. And when you shift your identity to no longer I am a jealous person. It's like saying someone who's counting the days that they've not been smoking and they're trying to quit smoking and that's great, but why are you counting? You just count it to the next time you have a cigarette. The only time you stop becoming a smoker is when you have the identity and you say, I am a non smoker. Now of course you've got to do stuff to become that in the first place. But when you can almost rub a stamp at the end by saying I am now a non smoker and you're affirming identity, then you're going to stick to it. And it's the same here. So shift your identity. I can be jealous. Sometimes not. I am a jealous person. That's not your identity. Sometimes you can be jealous. And if you found a new identity, I am, you know, I am balanced or I am reasonable or I am patient or I am whatever is the opposite you want to be in terms of your identity and then reaffirm that identity over time because then you'll just do, you know, you'll create a new identity and your nervous system will find ways to stick to that. If you would rather be patient than jealous. I am a patient person. I am a patient person. Write it on post it notes. I am a patient person. So step one, acceptance. Step two, look after yourself. You first. And find ways to not dwell with the exercise I showed you and shift your identity. Okay. And then we get to step three them. So step one, acceptance. Step two, you step three, them. I perfectly understand that you might want to talk to them about it, that you might want to discuss it, that maybe some of their behaviors are being unhelpful. Then maybe they could make a tweak here or there. But there's no point saying, you're making me jealous and you're doing this and you stopped it. If anyone says to you you're doing this, you just put the wall up, don't you? You just get defensive and then you can't have a conversation and the other person just pulls away even more. So there's a woman called Dr. Julia Colwell and she came up with a technique to have difficult conversations. And the acronym for it is SO S E W Sensation, Emotion, wants. This is a way where you can communicate to someone in a way that is inarguable. They can't say no. That's not right. No no, no, not this. They can't argue with it because we're not going to point the finger at them. I'll give you an example of this. You say the sensation first. Okay, I've got this, you know, tightness in my chest. I feel this discomfort, and the emotion it makes me feel is a bit anxious, possibly jealous at times. What I would like is some reassurance or some understanding that actually, you know, you have an awareness that I can feel this way when you're talking to, you know, when you talk to someone else. That's just how I feel. And I would like a way that we could talk about it or communicate so that both of us feel comfortable. Does that sound fair enough? Now, I'm not trying to be too idealistic, okay? But you can always start conversations that way. It's. It's warmer. It's not strength straight away. And, you know, you might end up having a challenging conversation, but you can always start with warmth. You don't have to start with strength. You start with strength. The other person's not going to listen. So you can even start with warmth to check in with them, how they're doing, and see if it's a good time to have that conversation. If they're in a bad place and you just start with strength, then you might catch them at the wrong time. So sensation, emotion, wants. So the client I spoke with last week talked about it, and she said, okay, what I could do is say, I feel these tightness in my arms at certain points whenever I see you talking to someone else. And be honest. It can make me feel anxious. It can make me feel a bit jealous at times. What I would like is to talk about if there's a way that something we could do collectively that might make me feel a little bit more comfortable, but also make you feel comfortable as well, so that you don't feel that I'm sort of being too controlling or too possessive or anything like that. I want to make sure that both of us can feel comfortable. But I felt it was hopefully okay that I could just tell you how I feel. Is that a conversation we could have? So sensation, emotion and wants, and none of it's inarguable because you're telling them how you feel. You're not accusing them, telling them how you feel and therefore what you want. And then they can talk about, well, how they feel and what they want. And then you start understanding each other's needs. Then you can talk about how to meet each other's needs. Again, might require a few Conversations, not just one. But that structure allows you to have more open, more patient, less accusatory conversations. And that's how you have challenging conversations. It's sew a simpler way of sometimes saying all that is just what I call a warm sandwich, which is warmth, strength, warmth. Always start with warmth, then get into the strength of. Know the challenging part. And then you can always finish with warmth again. So. And that's just a structure of how to have those conversations, right? Because I know at points of jealousy, you'll want to talk about it and communicate about it. So there are three steps that you can go through. Maybe one of those steps is something you go, yeah, I can do that. That's a good starting point for me. And if there's something you like that, use it, embrace it. And I've seen these things work with plenty of clients over the many, many years I've worked with them. Because the first step of acceptance reduces the expectation that you shouldn't feel like that. Everyone feels like that at times. That's fine. It's acceptable. The second step allows us to not make the problem too big in our heads, to not get too emotional or irrational or build a bigger story in our head that hasn't even taken place yet by not dwelling too much. And the third step allows you to have the difficult conversation so that perhaps you can get into a more comfortable place with a. A partner or a friend or a colleague or whatever the situation might be, right where you feel jealous. So if you like one of those steps, use them, but if not, use all three. You know, get used to doing the first one, then once you're used to it, then incorporate the second one and then incorporate the third one. But you can always accept and do the work on you first, then do the work with them. If you do those three steps, it keeps the lid on the whole thing. It keeps it at a. A nice temperature, and it allows the conversation to move more freely. It doesn't mean it's easy all the time, doesn't mean it's always going to go perfect, but it keeps the temperature low enough that you can make progress. So I hope that was helpful. There are a couple of strategies in there if you want to know more than. There are plenty of other strategies that we can can go through in the future, but my name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you on the next episode.