#585: She Lost Her Self-Belief...Pt 2: Finding Health & Happiness

Aside from names and certain characteristics which have been changed to protect clients confidentiality, all other details are true.

3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast, you wonderful people. You're here with David Holman, and if you've ever asked the question, am I good enough? Whether it's in your relationships or your performance or your career or in terms of your health, whatever it might be, then you're in the right place. We're not here to hype you up. We're here to give you strategies and techniques to help you transform your life in those areas. Ones that I've shared with the highest performers, from Olympic athletes to business owners. So make sure to hit that subscribe button. Share your favorite episodes and remember, if you change today, today will change your life. Today's quote is I made and remade continually. And that's a quote by Virginia Woolf. Let's get into a summary for today's episode. You're going to be hearing a continuation of a conversation between a client and myself. This is part two of reclaiming our true identity. There's a part one episode that was released a little bit earlier. This is part two, and in this conversation, we're looking at basic rules that help us experience more of what we want to experience and less of what we don't want to experience. See, what you'll hear in this conversation is we all have rules that make it very, very difficult for us to be as happy or to live our values as happy as we could be, but very, very easy to experience the emotions we don't want. In this case, it will be fear. Listen to the rule how basic it is for this person to experience fear. Basically, nothing really has to happen to experience fear if we change that rule. So it's a lot more complicated to be fearful. And then over time, that rule keeps getting reinforced, keeps getting reinforced, aligned with a new identity of the version we want to be. Then we can completely shift everything. See, like the quote from Virginia Woolf, identity is fluid. If you don't believe me, ask yourself the question, are you the same person you were 10 years ago? Not a chance. So identity is fluid, and because of that, it gives us a lot of room to actually redefine how we experience different emotions. Yes, we're still going to experience them, but the meanings we attach to them can completely change how we think and feel. But also going to listen to the values that we do want. Clients and I work together. What are the values that we really want to experience, you know, consistently? And then having lots and lots of ways of experiencing those values regularly. And then you feel like you're getting a sense of achievement by living up to who you want to be and become. Everything we do is aligned to who we want to be and who we want to become. When we go through pain, all pain is the form of an identity crisis. Either we're not who we want to be or life doesn't look the way we want it to look and therefore it reflects on us or we think it reflects on us. And so by shifting that identity, but then making it something that's achievable all the time, releases a lot of pain, gives us a lot of freedom and happiness. So let's get into it. So if I asked you just briefly, we'll go back to what we were doing, an emotion you really wish you weren't experiencing as much as you can do, what would that be?

Would be fear.

Okay, fear. If I asked you what has to happen for you to feel fearful, what would you say?

What has to happen?

Yeah, you need to feel any sort of fear. What has to happen?

Not having control over. Not having console over things. So affect. Yeah. Things that affect me or that are in my life if I don't have control over it. But just.

Yeah. So we look at how difficult that rule for independence was and how simple that rule is for fear. Everyone has a dirt road to happiness and a highway to misery. Everyone does. And so all we're going to do is we're going to flip this round. We're going to create a really difficult rule. So it's very hard for you to experience fear and really simple rules for you to experience the things that you do want. So we'll go back to what we're doing and we'll just go back to this list. All I'd say is, you know, it, you. It's worth having all eight written down. The purpose of what we're going to do now, which is just show you how to write some really, really basic, simple rules that make it really easy to live by these values all the time. And so therefore be happier more consistently. And if you've got ways of achieving your top values all of the time, you know, when we're talking about who we really are, this is who we really are being our happiest is who we really are being who we are at the very best. And what we're saying is, at my very best, they are the values that I should and do prioritize. Yeah. So all we're going to do, I think we Might have done a version of this already, but ways to write good rules. So, for example, what we wrote for respect previously was treat myself with kindness and for other people to do the same. So that's. That's two things that have to happen all the time to get respect. So. And that's what we all do. So what we're going to. All we're going to do is we're just going to frame these things differently. And all we're going to do is write as. I think we've done a variation of this already, but we're going to put any time I. So all I want us to do, if you're sort of familiar with this type of thing, is we're going to write down. Might not finish it in this session, but we're going to write down 10 for each. I promise you there's 30 for each. But if you or I remember, I.

Found this very difficult.

So fine. And as I said, when you come to the coursework, you can have some time to do this on your own and think about it more clearly. But we. So we might just do the first two or three and then leave you the rest to do in your own time. But in terms of. Let's at least do the first one, because that's. We going, you know what? I had a sense of freedom and lived by freedom. God, that would be. That would be a very different life to trying to just be independent all the time. So what things, what rules can we have to give ourselves a sense of freedom? Anytime I do this, anytime I do that, anytime I do this, anytime I do that, what do you think gives you freedom? What would be a way to meet that value consistently?

Anytime I make a decision, anytime I make a decision.

Okay, good.

Anytime I go out, anytime I go out.

Yeah.

Anytime. Well, I don't know. Okay, so anytime I make a decision, anytime I go out, anytime I.

This is fine. But Nabar, this is good because we've not been facing this way for a long time, and so we're not going to immediately know all the answers. But actually, now that we're facing the right way, now we're actually looking in the right direction. This is the first time we're looking in this direction, at least for a while. At least consistently for a while. This is the same with everyone. You know, all of a sudden you go, actually, why have I been facing this way the whole time? I want to be facing this way. It's still weird. It's still strange. It feels better to think that would be What I do. But. So, yeah, it's now for us to go out. And the reason we go for those, let's call security versions. That's what happens if people, over time, they start adjusting their values list in order to avoid things and avoid fear and avoid pain. So those things do come in, but they don't make us happier.

Yeah. Anytime I make plans, Anytime I cut.

Okay.

Anytime I watch tv, Anytime I buy something, Anytime I go on a date. So anytime I engage with social media, Anytime I contact a friend, I don't know where I'm going with this.

There isn't anywhere to go. This is. This is you. This is you.

I feel like I have a lot of freedom.

Yeah.

Pretty much everything. In everything I do, I have a lot of freedom.

How much freedom do you have out of 10?

I would say like. Seven, but I know. So I have a lot of freedom, but I don't embrace it and make the most of it. And that's where the fear comes in. I know I have that freedom because I do, but I just don't make the most of it. Yeah.

And that's fine. But also when you say a seven, there's. There's absolutely room for growth there. So what is an 8.

Making? I think it's making more. Make like taking advantage of the freedom that I do have. I really don't take advantage of freedom.

Yeah. Okay. So absolutely genuinely feeling like we're taking advantage of that freedom. Okay. What is taking advantage? Because it might be a bit easier to take advantage. We actually knew how to.

Yeah. So things like being more adventurous.

And there's.

There's something very adventurous.

That's fine. So what's something that you might go, okay, well, I'm not the person that jumps out of a plane right now or will ever want to do that particularly, but doesn't mean you have to go naught to 60. It's. So what would be actually quite fun for you, a fun way to take advantage. Because you've got a few examples of how to do that. You'll be able to do it more often, I think.

Well, the one that I put down was anytime I go on a date because I feel like I'm more. I have more freedom to date who I want to than I. I thought I did. I never took advantage. I've never, like, made the most of that freedom.

Yeah. So that's a good example of that. So what else sort of falls in the category of an 8 out of 10 in terms of freedom? Because maybe we're not ready to go to a 9 yet or a 10, but what's many.

Anytime I do something different.

Okay. Give an example of something different.

Like go somewhere new or. I'm very routine based. I do everything like the same. I'd go to the same restaurants, I'd go to like the same places with friends. Like, I just, I get nervous about trying something new or going somewhere new.

Okay. So anytime I step out of my routine. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Which is, you know, conversations we've had previously. It's very out of character. But is. Is aligned more with who you want to who you are. Actually your best is that is who I am when I'm at my best. Actually that is what I do. So I do step out of my routine. Okay. What would be like an amazing way to step out of your routine?

I think it's so every time I make plans, I'm very like, I have to like thoroughly investigate everything before I make a decision.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. But in terms of. Because you could still do those things, but the activity itself might be something that's like oh, holy shit type of thing. I don't know. It depends what you define.

I'm really not that adventurous at all.

So it's, it's just understanding what an 8 is for you. It's not what's an 8 because of what everyone else might think is a. Yeah. Is that a specific example of actually if I did that specifically because as you know me by now, I can keep just going down the road of pedantic questions of oh, but what. So what is this? What is that? What is this? What is that? So what is a really specific example of you know what? Actually even maybe the next week or two, I could do that. And that would, that would be a very clear example that I am living by Freedom at an 8. I'm living my top value, which I've not lived for years, consistently at an 8 now. So what would be a specific example of that?

I think, well, I'll just give you an example. So say for instance, like if I'm like if I'm chatting to somebody or I've match somebody on a dating app and they were like, oh, let's meet up. I'll just have to spend a week thinking about it rather than like actually going ahead and like. Yeah, so maybe being more spontaneous.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So anytime. Yeah, I'm spontaneous. Absolutely. What about, what about outside of the dating context, Something that you can control more frequently?

Well, I don't go out as much as I possibly could.

Ah, just catch your words there. As much as I could. Is it as much as you want to.

Yeah, I, yeah, I always. I don't know, it feels. But it would be nice to like make more plans.

Okay. And so plans to do. What I know is that I know it's the same questions but until nothing.

Different to what I usually do.

But that's the thing.

But I don't know what's out there. That's the thing. Maybe I just need to explore what I might like to do that I haven't tried.

Okay, absolutely. Because so we, we have. So yeah, we have hit that question a few times and it's on the other side of that. The answer to this stuff is on the other side of that question. So you're right. So maybe it is. I do need to kind of explore this stuff. And actually because, you know, at the end of the day, in terms of that, more broadly, the irony of all of this is if we lived by these values which aren't so safety or security driven, that do make us happier, that did push us out of our comfort zone, that did make us explore the more uncomfortable stuff we do, we actually become more comfortable. And that's really the sort of comfort we want is I am actually in different walks of life. Rather than seek it in the immediacy is seek it in terms of what would really by doing it through the filter, what would make me really happy. You still get to the same result of feeling comfortable, but just in different ways and in healthier ways. Truthfully.

Yeah, no, I totally see what you're saying.

And anytime I explore options and so I'm going to do is going to allow you to go through the other four or maybe even add to this top one in your own time. But it's just important in getting an understanding of. So when you go back to that challenge, for example, one of those questions you could ask yourself is if you're sort of feeling or dwelling on a problem or whatever is, well, actually, what. What would make me really happy? I can quickly go back to my values. Am I living by my values right now? Okay, freedom. Freedom's top of the list. What can I do that would give me freedom? It gives you a series of questions for yourself. Okay, my values are this. Okay, what gives me growth? Okay, what gives me connection? What gives me peace? What gives me passion? So it's just another opportunity, another avenue to go down a route of solutions, but specifically for you personally. So if you do have a conversation with someone who's either dragging you down or just sharing oversharing. Whatever. Whatever words you want to use your way out is. Okay. What do I have to do internally to make me feel happy again? Okay, I've now got. What you'll have is 50 options of what makes me happy on a consistent basis. Let's leave that bit there and let's just finish off with the other side. Just want to show you what this looks like. So what we now have are a set of values that are aligned with who we really want to be. That's our identity at our best. We've now got rules that also allowed us. Or you're going to have rules that allow you to achieve those values on a regular basis as opposed to previously having the wrong sets of values by your commentary. The wrong sets of values with rules that make it impossible to achieve them on a consistent basis. Now all we're going to do is just on the other side is have rules that make it really difficult to experience the things we don't want. And you might just have say two of these. So for example, you might have fear is one. Give me another negative emotion that you really just something you really don't want to be. They can be at times.

Irritable.

Irritable. Okay, perfect. So. And I can relate to this one very much so. So my, my rule previously, one of my top things was frustration. I just. Just get frustrated by everything. And my rule for frustration was when some. Exactly like you had for fit. When someone doesn't do something the way I would have done it 20 times a day. 20 times a day? Yeah, 20 times a day. That's. That's happening. Right. So I was. I just had this high weight of frustration all the time. So I had to change that rule. And. But with all of this stuff is that we spoke about previously is it's over time shifting our identity to be that thing. Because we're going to write down a rule and it might look good on paper, but it's when we start reinforcing that consistently over a period of time.

Yeah.

That actually we start to not just go, I can have that thought. We start to identify that person I identified as someone who's got frustrated easily. I don't identify as that type of person anymore. Identity is fluid. So way to write a good. A good rule to avoid something is using the following. So you would say something like, so if I use my previous rule. If I. If I use frustration again. Sorry. My new rule for frustration is I avoid consistently expecting perfection of myself and others. Or actually it's I avoid consistently expecting myself and others to be perfect. Okay. If someone messes up, if someone doesn't do something the way I would have done it, if I'm even just being a bit of a dick myself, where someone's done something perfectly fine, but I'm just in my head, I feel a certain way and go, why have they done that? And they've actually done nothing wrong. Well, that rule actually helps me because it goes, I didn't expect perfect. Rather than trying to say, no, they are being reasonable or whatever, just come at a different angle. Okay. I don't expect them to be perfect. I don't expect me to be perfect right now either. Yeah, it's cool. It's fine. It's not a problem.

I do think that's probably been one of my kind of, I guess, biggest issues over the last few years is I was for a long time trying to. I would expect too much from myself and others and put high expectations on myself and on others. And then it's no wonder I wasn't getting the happiness that I wanted.

Yeah. And so we go back to the values you had originally and the sorts of rules you had. And no doubt, therefore, the rules that inform these. The things we don't want as well. Maybe in your career it's the perfect combination, right?

Yeah.

And maybe expecting that perfection is you had the perfect role in the career situation, that. That in your career, that's per. Having that type of attitude. Maybe that's the perfect attitude to have. Maybe it's not. I don't know. And so being able to identify is actually that isn't something that. That I am and need or whatever it might be, then actually that's the way we start to let it go.

Yeah.

So if we take fear and we'll just do one of these and then I'll just leave all the video will explain all of this again and I'll leave this with you. Is a good thing to start by saying something like I avoid consistently. Because the other side of it is by writing that in, if on occasions you do kind of so use my situation again, kind of expect perfection or whatever. Actually, it's okay if occasionally I sort of think, well, that's what I was hoping for. I was hoping better from you. I was hoping better from me. It's not that I have to consistently, oh, you know, whatever it might be. So. And using the word expecting so it gives you a little bit of kind of wiggle room with it as well. But I would just say I avoid consistently and you could put expecting, if that's the way you want to go.

Yeah, I think. I guess with the fear one, it would be avoid consistently expecting to have control over everything.

So. And just to shorten that for you to have to control everything.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because that's where my fear comes up from. It's from. Yeah, it was from not being able to control everything and that.

Yeah. And so when you start. And what happens is when you start to experience fear, then over time, that rule becomes very natural, organic, and subconscious. Where I'm saying to some, I avoid consistently expecting.

Yeah, I guess that's my kind of question for you is how do I start to implement that, to actually make it my new role?

Yeah. So good question. So, again, all of this. Some of this goes back to creating identity around something, because then it's for a period of time, it's something to sort of move towards and actually be a version of you, be able to step into a different version of you and become that version. So that's one way you can do it. That's why it's good to have sort of an altery going at. In that way, shape or form and then start to mold into that. But. But really, it's not to over complicate it. There isn't a sort of a thing where we kind of, you know, if I. If I get you to close your eyes and do this and boom, it. It kind of works. It's like anything. It's with your career, certain things that you learn. The first time you learned it, read it once, you didn't remember. A week or two later, a week or two later, you came across it again. Right. The same thing again. And just over years, it's just consistently been going through again. So you might want a clever or better answer than it's literally focusing on that anytime you feel fear.

So guess what? I guess my question is really like, when I do feel free, what do I do?

Honestly, it's just focusing on that rule. What happens is. So to use this challenge with that 60 seconds again. So I. There's something else I get some people to do, which is called 60 seconds to interpret a setback, which is actually using the 60 seconds, not sort of giving yourself the 60 seconds to dwell on something, actually using the 60 seconds to define it. And the reason being is because when you look back on an event in your life, you're not looking back at the event itself. You look back at how you saw the event.

Yeah.

So what that proves is that first impression that Interpretation is how you remember. And so it's taken some conscious control. Now the first thing that you're feeding into that process or memory when it's actually happening is the sort of, the first thing that you're focusing, saying to, to yourself and just treating this as a bit of trigger so that when you do recognize fear that there's a, there's an association between fear and your definition. Because this is sort of what it is now is the definition. It's like having your dictionary and going, when I think of fear, what's the definition of fear? And it's not definition. You know what I mean? Yeah. How do I define fear or why, why do I not fear in this way or whatever? Well, my definition for myself is just, I avoid consistently expecting to control everything. So all I'd say that's. That's as far as I sort of go with it, which is just catch yourself when you're starting to feel fear is just reinforcing that rule over a period of time. And I. What I'd really stress just to sort of shorten that period is when you're doing that 10 day challenge, the rate. So I said to you that. So some people can get day five and six and get stuck. The reason they can get to day five and six is because they know their values and rules. So they've got lots of ways of feeling good all the time. The reason they can't get past it is if they don't have moving away rules, they need to reinforce those. Better use the 10 day challenge to reinforce. To do this stuff very consciously.

Okay. And so ignore these rules of the negative.

I would say so. I would say is. So you only need so one rule like that for each one.

Yeah.

Yeah. All I'd say is I'd maybe have you. So have five values with plenty of rules. Yeah. And just have maybe two moving away values for the time being and just create one rule for each and use it as a con, the ten day challenge, as a conscious way to practice this stuff and to reinforce it very quickly in a short period of time. I think this layer might be the thing that's now going to start getting you through that challenge because you now know what the bullseye is. Whereas maybe before it felt like I'm close to sort of feeling knowing what makes me be in my best and feel relaxed in me and feel peaceful and everything else. Maybe I've been close. Now there's, there's no. They're not. In the time we've got together, there's gonna be no clearer. Bullseye. Of what is the thing, your way of being that's you at your best and how to live that way. And so now use this as the practice. And then also when you feel fear, you know, whether it's often negative thoughts, whatever it might be. Avoid consistently expecting to troll everything. Notice your body, calm down. Then we go back to, okay, so I don't expect to control everything. That's cool. What can I control? Okay, that might be a better question. Okay, what can I control? This. Okay, and so what does that allow me to do? Allows me to do this. Okay, if it allows me to do this and that, when should I do these things? Let's do them right now. And then we're sort of out of it quite quickly. They're all good questions. And it's not. It's not. There's nothing clever or more special than. It's just the habit of doing these things you do. If you do it sort of at a conscious level, I promise at some point, like anything when you're learning, digesting things, it will become subconscious and it'll start popping up for you. But what's really with the moving away values and rules? Treat them a little bit like this one, this side, which are the values and rules you do want, which is just do the things that are under that value. So you. So, for example, when you go, I want more freedom, how do I get freedom? Well, these are the ways I get freedom. I define freedom. So if you really want to with this rule, okay, avoid consistently expecting to control everything. What I do with some people is part of their rule will be there's a specific action, there's a specific thing that is a clear defining way of that means I'm absolutely not asking for control right now. They can choose that for themselves and somebody who has some really weird things, but they'll go, okay, if I just did this right now, that would be proof that I'm genuinely not looking to control everything. So the first thought was fear. Oh, okay. What's it. What's the way that proves that I'm not looking to control everything right now? Do this. Cool. I've proved it to myself. I'm not trying to control everything. And that's all you're doing on this side is you've just got lots of proof. Points of, I know how to get freedom. I can live in it as much as I want, and I can hit that bullseye more often. But. But I would just say just do it for the top five. It's good to know your top five. And what's worth saying is only two weeks ago I changed my order. So I had an order of five that would work really well for a long period of time. And then there was just certain things where I thought that's not quite working for me anymore. So all of a sudden what did I bring in recently? Simplicity. I put that number three. Realize I was just some things I just make too complicated. I'm much happier when I treat things in a very simple way. And that makes a big difference. So you've got your five values. Now that's what you think is the bullseye. Things change in life. Six months a year, two years down the road, you're feeling like a little bit off again. This is the way I self correct, but I feel like I'm off target slightly. Look at my values. Go right. Are they in the right order? No. Okay, that one, that one's out, this one's in. So this is a way to always kind of bring yourself back on target because these, I guarantee these five rules. Great. Now in 20 years time you'll want to make a slight adjustment because life changes around us. We need to change some more. So as you heard in that conversation right at the beginning, what had to happen to experience fear? It was such a basic, simple rule. We don't feel like we've got, you know, control. Well in life that happens 10, 20 times a day. So that's going to make us feel very fearful a lot of the time. So by shifting that rule, by the end of it, we had a different rule for fear. And then that's going to get reinforced over a period of time and aligned to a new identity, a new version. Because unless it becomes our identity, nothing's really changed. Unless it becomes who we are, nothing's really changed. You know, this stuff is, aren't just thoughts and feelings. It's realigning to a new identity that does have these resources, that does have these tools. But also we discussed of the values that she did want. How can we find as many ways as possible to achieve them so that we're never not achieving them? You know, not just sort of things that we can throw away, but things that are actually important, that actually matter, but giving them more appreciation of all the ways. And you heard at one point she said actually you know what? I've got lots of freedom. And the reason she could get to that point and say that is because all of a sudden she's looking through a different lens. Actually I do have a lot of freedom. And so the next level of spoke about it at a seven. How do we get it to an eight? And so on and so forth. So looking through that different lens allows you to see your life in a different way. And yet nothing's really changed. What a wonderful thing that is. So what you can hopefully do is learn how to create some rules for yourself, understand what values you want to have, which things you want to avoid, and learn how to create rules for each of them. So it makes it very difficult to to feel those unpleasant emotions, very easy to live those values that make you truly happy. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life. I'll speak to you on the next episode. Just one more thing before you go. So I hope you're enjoying the daily episodes. We put in a lot of work to keep providing content because to create permanent change needs consistency. To get that consistency, we want to make sure we keep providing you value on a daily basis. But to keep up with that pace, could we ask for one very small favor? 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