#632: Self-Belief & Family

Having a conversation with a client where partway through the conversation, she mentioned a sibling and she mentioned a sibling and the relationship in that while she'd been working with me, but also doing her own sort of self development, self improvement work, she started to reap the rewards and benefits of that and that she felt those benefits and she wanted to help other people. She started to have insights in terms of how other people, especially her siblings, how she thought they could be doing better and that she wanted to help them, but was putting pressure on herself that maybe she wasn't doing enough, maybe she wasn't being helpful enough, but also didn't want to cross any lines or boundaries in terms of helping. And this is something that I commonly come across because of course, in my line of work.

You have all these.

Insights, you learn all this stuff and you see things occasionally and you think, oh, what about this? What about that? But you have to resist the urge and temptation because what do I know? I don't have the answers. I have sort of ideas and frameworks that allow people to uncover answers for themselves. I don't have the answers. Who am I? And it's a message that I wanted to share with this client to help her understand that the way to help them isn't in the way that she probably thinks, but in something that she either might already be doing and that she needs to place more value on that or the way that she can help without thinking that she knows best. We all can be in that place where we think the way we know things is best, but that's not really how to help people. By forcing our own views or forcing our way of thinking onto other people or trying to get them to go that way. It's helping that person uncover what would work for them. And so that's why I wanted to explore this conversation. So I hope you enjoy this conversation and understand how you could be providing even more value to other people's lives. Let's get into it.

I guess I'm just thinking of my sisters. And I was like, you'd be so much happier if you spent some time figuring out what you want, what would make you happy. But I can't control that. But it bothers me because, I mean, I feel like I'm in a good place and sometimes I feel like they're not. And that, yeah, it's tricky then, because I know what could help them, but I can't fix that.

I.

It's a very good point you made. I've had a number of clients that said similar things.

Over the years.

And it's not even necessarily some cases, it's, oh, my God, the stuff I'm learning on this course. I wish they knew this. And sometimes there's nothing to do with that. It's just a feeling of I've got an understanding of what makes me feel good and I can see other people and I just really want to be.

Able to do something now.

And of course, in the, in the job that I do, you get occasionally, you know, I'm fairly good at sort of switching off from it in a social setting. I don't, I don't. I don't stand in the social circle and analyze people. Some people sort of think, oh my God, is he like working me out now or doing some sort of mind trick on me, as if I was a magician. But I don't really do any of that stuff. But nonetheless, you see certain things at times and you sort of go, but I have a rule for myself, which isn't something that's going to help you. It sort of leads onto a different point. So the rule for myself is I never. Firstly, as you've seen in the work we've done together, I don't have any answers. You know, who the. Who the hell am I? I've got zero. I've got zero answers. What I am capable of doing is having certain frameworks and questions which allow people to work them out. And that's just natural of any type of psychological work, isn't it? And that's no true. There's no different in terms of helping others. So first part is I never help someone unless they ask for it, ever, ever. And I have a lot of friends or people who will talk for a long time, sometimes to me, sometimes just.

At me.

And they're sharing lots of stuff and you sort of thing kind of get a sense of why they're sharing it. Because I do XYZ work. If they don't ask me, I'm not gonna help them. And so sometimes people. And that sometimes that's all that person needs is to feel heard and understood. And for. There's an expression which is, people don't buy what you understand, they buy when they feel understood. I promise that in terms of that urge to help other people, all we're ever really doing in, in a lot of cases is we're telling people what we understand. What people really need, including yourself and anyone else, is to feel understood.

Yeah.

And so with your sisters, no doubt, you do what the most beneficial part, without question more beneficial than any advice you could give them is that you give them, which I'm sure you do, you give them time and you allow them to feel understood. There is nothing you can do advice wise that is better than that in terms of how they will feel.

That's a really good way of looking at it actually because what I think they might need is not what they might want or need themselves.

So and so and so the second part of it though in terms of advice is not to give advice but to ask them good questions. As you're learning and you would have known this stuff already but just getting that, it's just there's one thing knowing this stuff and then it's the practice and the habit of doing it. It takes time. And that's why the full course I do is six months. Because some of these things it to really start to have shifted our identity and become habitual to change the habits of a lifetime. It takes time. It does. But similarly in terms of how I will ask you a question and you will find good answers is that nothing is ever intrusive if you ask someone a good question. Yeah. You don't have to give them answers because one, just as I said, I don't have any. Like you just pointed out, you don't have any really, you know, in, in the sense of we can give people direction, we can ask people questions. But you're right, what's to say the way we do things would work that better. The only way it work and we'll find this out in maybe about two weeks time when we do this work is the only way something can absolutely work in their favor as well. Something that we think works for us to express it to someone else and say it will work for you is if they have the exact same values and no one does. And so that's why I do the personality profile and everything else. Because I need to know what the world looks like for you. I can tell you all the stuff that works for me, but it's different for you. And even, even then the work we do, my brain's working overtime to explore what is it that works for you. Because and hopefully with each week what happens is the preparation I do starts to zone in, zone in, zone. And even if I get to a point where I understand, I still won't give that to you. I will still just ask you questions and still get your word out for yourself. So I would just say there's two points is there isn't more that you can do. You're probably doing the absolute best thing that they could ever ask for, which.

Is to feel understood, which for.

For any sibling is wonderful. Yeah. And then the other part is if you do have something, just don't offer it as an answer. Just offer as a question.

Yeah.

And allow them to figure out some. And allow them to figure out some answers. It's always better to feel like you've worked out an answer for yourself. Then someone else gives you an answer and you go, damn it, I wish I knew that.

Really true. So, yeah, that's really helpful actually, because sometimes I do feel like not kind of guilty because I feel like I'm doing all this work myself and I'm getting. I just feel like I'm getting all the rewards for it, which is great. And yeah. Just because I care about them, I want them to kind of. Yeah. Make the most out of life, I guess.

Yeah. And so it's the week we. And that's what you're saying goes back to certain rules that we create for ourselves. And this is something we'll talk in a couple of weeks time. Certain rules that we create for ourselves. And so dismantling that sort of thing that you just said in terms of whether you want to call it pressure, we put on ourselves, assessing responsibility. I know this thing. Oh my God, like, could I express that somehow? Because otherwise they're missing something. So with all of those things we've created certain rules that sort of gear us towards those things, dismantling some of those and creating some new ones for ourselves really, really helps with that type of stuff. But yeah, I mean, you know, I constantly come across people. I see people married or whatever else, and I just look at it and go that, you know, you're in each other's pockets and if this is. You're on each other all the time, but you haven't really looked after yourselves. And there's too so much pressure. But it's so, so easy to do all of this when you're not involved.

Yeah.

That's no different with you and your sisters. If you were in their shoes for whatever reasons you're referring to, serious or non serious with them, once you're in their shoes, it is different. And the things that we are working for us in this particular situation don't necessarily ladder up to when they're in those shoes. It's just how it is. But I promise you, you'll. You'll be doing a lot more than you maybe think you are, and that will. And I promise you that is good enough for them as well. But yeah, it's an interesting thought, but, you know, you might pick up some things along this course and find natural ways to introduce them as questions or whatever. But anyway, or in anything else that you study. And of course, because of the work that you do in psychology, it's. You understand how the mind works. So like you, I get that real buzz for it, but I get this real urge of going, oh, there's some like, I've learned this stuff for a decade like this, and you haven't done any of this learning. Like you. It's like your brain explodes because you sort of go, I know there's so much about the human mind to the point I'm a complete nerd about it. And yet you've done no work on this at all. I've got 10 years of experience I could share with you and simplify for I get. I have all of those feelings all of the time, and. But then I have to bring myself back down to sort of go, what do I know?

Yeah. And also maybe they don't want to hear any of anything that I know.

So, as you heard in that conversation, we don't have the answers. We may think that we do, but we don't. But what we can do for people is something a thousand times more valuable. Think about in your life how important it is for you to feel understood. You might have used different phrase for.

It over the period of your life.

You might have thought of more of, I want to be liked by people, I want to be loved by people, I want to be appreciated by people. At the end of the day, we want to be understood. We want to feel important, we want to feel special, we want to feel understood. And that's something we can give people that they feel understood and that we're willing to give them the time to do so to, you know, for them to feel that feeling. And when it comes to family, sometimes we're just too close to quote, unquote, help in the sense of give advice or give an opinion just raises the temperature too quickly. We take the relationships for granted. That's why people sometimes seek that sort of newton, seek me out in terms of that neutral position, because it's easy to hear from someone that they're not so familiar with in terms of a family or a friend, and so help people feel understood. But in any context, family, business, intimate relationships, whatever it might be, any dynamic, if the other person feels like you understand them, it's amazing how rare that actually is that people feel understood by someone. I mean, truly understood. Like you understand why they are what you know, like they are. You understand their feelings and their emotions and the logic and the way that they think and feel. Sometimes it's just understanding that something is important to them. Not understanding why or the logic of it might make no sense to you whatsoever, but just understanding that it is important and that we don't sort of criticize it and we don't, you know, abuse it or attack it. We just understand that it is important, and that's really important. But then the other part, in terms of those asking questions, if you want intelligent answers for your life, ask intelligent questions. You know, a lot of us can get around, and people get stuck in their life of saying, why am I not good enough? Why can't I do this? Why is this not working out? Why is it taking so long? Why are they being like this? And if you try and force an answer on them, a lot of people just won't accept it or take it or they'll put the wall up. But if you help that person, you ask them a different question. They won't know what's going on. But ask them a good question. In telling a question, they'll figure out the answers. Give them a lot more credit. They're smart, they're intelligent, they're brave, they want to do well. They want to help people, they want to be considerate. Sometimes we just get stuck in those phases and thought patterns. But a great way to change that thought pattern is change the question. Because a thought pattern or a bad thought pattern is just a pattern of lots of bad answers. So give them a good question and you get good answers. I know we all have the urge to help people now. I always say to people, get out of your head and help someone instead. But sometimes helping isn't by providing a load of answers. And I just to really prove the point of how important this is. When I was younger, my dad used to sit at a table and do maths homework with me. He used to help me. We used to sit there and I'd look at an equation or a question and I'd think, I don't know the answer to this. But I knew my dad would. So I turned to my dad and say, come on, you know the answer to this. Maybe just tell me what the answer is. And we can work backwards from that. And he just sit there and say, no. He said, we're gonna sit here until you can figure out what the answer is. And I got so angry and so frustrated, and I thought, why does he want to just sit here for Me to work out what the answer is. Why does he want to sit here and make me, you know, make me do that? And we'd sit there for three, four hours, and he would know what the answer was, but he wouldn't tell me. He'd make me work the answer out again. I'm so angry, so frustrated. I get to bed at a ridiculous time. But here's the thing. It made me really curious to find answers, to look for answers. And actually, I'm really proud when I find the answer. And that's true of all of us. I know many of you know not.

Everyone listening will do crosswords, nor do I.

But if you just imagine a crossword, you've got one word left, and you can't think of what the answer is. And then someone next to you says, oh, that word is, you know, is dog. And you go, oh, of course that's the word. And then you're really happy that you finished the crossword for all of five seconds. And then you're pissed off that someone else finished the crossword for you.

You know what I mean?

You might have your own version of that. We have such an immense sense of pride when we work out the answers. Don't take that away from people. And that's part of the reason why not everyone wants to have the answers.

They want to work it out for.

Themselves, but they don't mind being asked a question, a good question, not a critical question, not a blaming question. Just ask them a good question that helps them figure out some answers. Because you might have asked them a good question. You might think you know the answer, and that person comes up with an even better answer, and you go, oh, wow. Actually, that's a. Yeah, that's a great answer. That's better than what you could have ever thought of. And that's why, you know, how I help people get results is tell people a lot of answers. Because you know what? My clients are going to come up with better ones. It's just, I ask good questions, and I have frameworks allowing them to operate and figure these things out. You can be that same person. But as I said, the main thing, someone can feel understood, just like you want to be, and that you feel understood, but you're still working out all the answers for yourself. A wonderful place to be in. That's also how you create warm relationships, how you create intimate relationships. It's how you get a feeling of connection. That's how you truly make a difference. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll see you on the next episode.