#635: Belief in Business

I think my little boy being born was probably a catalyst for change because I think I was evaluating the amount of time I was spending at work for it didn't matter whether I did 12 hours a day, eight hours a day, the reward was the same. And what I wasn't doing was building my sort of universe to support him going forward. I was lining someone else's focus.

The story you're about to hear is real. A real client working with David Holman to achieve extraordinary results. David has worked with high performers such as Olympic athletes and business owners, as well as those looking to develop meaningful relationships. Aside from names and certain characteristics which have been changed to protect clients confidentiality, all other details are true. This special season is brought to you by the Self Belief Chief podcast.

In today's episode, we're talking with a business owner struggling with financial pressures. Now, when I work with a business owner, I look at two sides, their psychology and their business strategy. When I look at the business strategy, I look at the whole business, the leadership, the sales, the marketing, productivity, efficiency, all of the different aspects to really see if there are any gaps there. And in this owner's case, it'll be about positioning themselves as an authority in their industry. The go to person and looking at how their business funnel is working and if there's any friction there that stops the flow of clients being more consistent and helping them therefore grow their business. But today we're looking specifically at their psychology. I want to get an understanding of this stacking on too much pressure on their shoulders, like many of us can do, and where that extra pressure might be coming from. If I can find him, then I might be able to alleviate some of that pressure so that he can think and perform more freely, operate in a more efficient way, come up with new avenues, new products, new ideas, help them continue to grow their business, but actually get back to just enjoying what they really do. Firstly, you're going to hear me read back something that this individual put in their personality profile and they're going to try and come up with a rational solution for it first before we might start exploring other ideas, let's get into the episode.

What if the time, effort, an investment was worthless? I think.

I think that the rational solution would be not to expect everything. Now, I think there's a. Was it you? I think I'm sure it was you that spoke about the Chinese bamboo tree. Yeah, yeah. Every day for five years and then in, in five weeks it grows 90ft. Does it take five, five weeks or does it five years, five weeks. Yeah, and I think, and I've said that to quite a few people because I think that's probably more me telling myself that success is hard, running your own business is hard, earning money is hard. And all the people that have been successful have been through challenges and they've hit rock bottom and they've climbed out of the hole and they've been rewarded through their hard work. And I think the effort, the time of the investment, the business is very young and I'm, you know what, we're 41 now, so I've got, you know, I've got plenty of years ahead of me. And I think a rational solution would be to use perspective.

People tend to overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in a decade. So that's sort of what's, I think, part of what might be going on here. And the reason I said I can speak from this personal experience is two things. One, I used to be a footballer that had to stop early, earlier than I wanted to. And two, I've got a whole program on breakups and heartbreak and that sort of thing where that's a different type of investment where you go, oh, have I just wasted however many years of my life in that relationship? So I know exactly what this feels like. This exact moment where you put everything into something and you're going, well, what if it just means nothing? So I think to sort of maybe round off the point that you made, which I think is a very good point, and trying to find perspective in all this, is to find the perspective, the very specific perspective where it's not wasted time at all. Not wasted time if it gives you every single tool. You know, I was at Walt Disney. I think he had eight businesses went bankrupt before he built Disney. Does it mean that all of those eight business businesses were a waste? No. Without them he wouldn't have been able to build Disney. So the things that we get learn, grow tools, we find resilience, we develop whatever it might be. I have it with people in relationships where, for example, they can't find an empowering meaning. I say, do you have kids? They say, oh yeah, I've got a, I've got a 15 year old son. I say, okay, well, what if you're going through this pain now to learn how to deal with this with dignity, how to do it with a bit more energy, bit more sort of positivity, encouragement, that you can design a compelling future, that you can develop a life that you wouldn't have had otherwise. And you have all of these tools so that when your son inevitably goes through the same pain and heartache, because we all have troubles in relationships, we all go through ups and downs and breakups that they go through less pain as a result, because you know how to handle this. And then my clients just sort of light up and go, well, yes, I do anything for my kid not to go through pain. And that's then an empowering meaning of I've really got to. I. I'm developing tools that make me a better parent. So what I want to get to, to round, as I said, round of this point is through however long you've been running this business, however much work you've done, however many sacrifices you've had to make, is what is the empowering meaning regardless of this working or not working or whatever it might be, everything that you've got that is going to serve you in the future? Now, it's not always an easy thing to think of, but I promise you there is. There is something. In fact, there's multiple things I can think of potentially, but it's really what that boils down for you. So to simplify it, what is empowering meaning that we can give the experience that you've had in running this business so far that's either serving you now and you're just not seeing it, or is going to serve you in the future. What could it be?

I think, I think my little boy being born was probably a catalyst for change because I think you. I was evaluating the amount of time I was spending at work for it didn't matter whether I did 12 hours a day, eight hours a day. The reward was the same. And what I wasn't doing was, was, was building my sort of universe to support him going forward. I was lining someone else's pockets with my hard work, effort and kindness. And I felt that I would. My dad wasn't the best example to me. You know, still to this day is neither was my mom. And I, you know, I can't control my ex wife does, but I can control how I behave. And the, I suppose the future I can build for him in terms of wealth and time and also the sort of moral compass thing in terms of what a man should be, you know, how a father should be. And I think that's probably my compelling reason. I wanted to build, I wanted to build my life so that he was proud of me.

I think take all those principles that you just mentioned.

Yeah.

And we're going to detach them from the results and attach them to what you're already doing.

We have a breakthrough moment here. The client has just spoken about his son being born was a catalyst for change in terms of re evaluating the balance of his life. But I can't help but wonder if he's using the success of his business or however much success his business has as a gauge or measurement for how good a father he is or how much he's giving to his son. Is perhaps a better phrasing. I don't know this yet, I'm not sure, but it might be the case. And if it is the case, then we've got this external thing in terms of his business, that business will go up and down because it businesses do. But if that's also connected to how he sees himself as a father and how much he's giving to his son or he's got something to show for all his hard work, then he's got his business and his ability as a father going up and down and up and down all of the time. And that's a lot for anyone. That's a lot of extra pressure that's not necessary, you know, isn't necessarily necessary. So I'm going to find out if there is something in that, if there is something there and perhaps alleviate some of that pressure. Because the things that he might talk about in terms of what he wants to provide for his son or who he wants to be for his son might be things that are nothing to do with this business. And therefore he can find other avenues to provide, provide those things for his son or be that for his son so that his business doesn't have to do all the hard work so then he can get back to just enjoying his business while still being a great father. And regardless of his business going up or down, he still knows the basics of how he can be the best father to his son. So let's find out a bit more.

Because all of that stuff isn't about where your business gets to talk about things like moral compass and what it means to be a man and hard work and the other things that you mentioned. Yeah, you're, you're developing those now that's not happening. That doesn't just happen at the point that if the business is a multi million pound business so you can detach it from the result. Nothing to do with how your business does. It's got everything to do with the fact that you're actually doing it, you're trying it, you're learning this stuff. Now does that make sense?

Now?

I want. It has to be a case where you can feel that I can't just say that to you. And you, you know, you might go, it doesn't really feel like that doesn't quite work like that for me. That's fine, we'll find something else. But everything you just said has nothing to do with your business being a success.

That's true.

So it's up to you how we frame this. And I want it to be something that you can really get in behind because I think once you take away that pressure of when it has to succeed for my son, no, you have to put in the work and you have to develop and you have to, you know, do what you love and help people to be the best version of you so you are a better father to your son. Once you realize that's got nothing to do with the result, you can remove at least not all the pressure. You can remove a big percentage of going. And whatever happens with that result. Yes, of course I want it to go well. Of course there's a bit of pressure there. But with regards to being a good father, I'm already, I'm in the middle of developing that stuff anyway, and it doesn't matter how I do. So you don't. You. You're perfectly well within your rights to say, yeah, that doesn't quite sit well with me, or that doesn't feel right, and we'll write something else.

It's about being almost a mentor for him, I think. I think that's through showing kindness, you know, earning a decent sort of earning a salary which affords some of the nice things, but not the greed that you see in. In the world. Because, you know, there was, I think, in my opinion, there was far too much greed. But having somewhere nice to live, not necessarily the biggest house, but a location which means you can enjoy the outdoors, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, I suppose being a mentor in terms of what's important in life and that's outside space, you know, rewarding yourself, work ethic. But understanding that work ethic doesn't mean you have to work your ass off 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Because that's actually not very healthy, you know, the value of money, I guess, and being a kind person.

I think the result of your business would only serve to give your son things. He doesn't need to be given things. He needs you to leave things in him. And that is the things you mentioned. So if you're trying to hit that target, well done, you've done it already.

I think that Emotion at the end we can call relief. Relief that he actually does have a plan to be the best father for his son, that he's actually doing a lot of these things already, that actually there's this other vision in his life, aside from just being a great business owner, actually to be a great mentor to his son. And that actually probably means even more to him. I think we can probably safely argue that also he's, you know, tried to be successful in his business, and there's so much pressure because he's trying to use it as an example in a way to prove that he can be enough and perhaps be enough to his son and give enough to him, give enough resources. But for children, it's not just about resources. You've got to be taught how to be resourceful, but also, more importantly, it's not what you give to them, it's what you leave in them. Do they have the skills, the awareness, the mindset, the capabilities to go and finances for themselves? So many parents put pressure on themselves to provide and provide and provide and give so much. Of course, we all want to do that, and it's important, but what you leave in them is way more important. And now he's got this new picture, perhaps a simpler picture, to be a great mentor for his son, and that that doesn't have to be tied up in the business and how well the business is doing. That could be a completely separate thing. So that now frees up some of the pressure around his business and the extra pressure he was putting on his shoulders, rather than his business having to reach this huge target and have this huge growth and huge success, which we can try to help with anyway. Aside from that, we can also meet that core thing that he really wants, which is to be a great mentor for his son. And he mentioned some really simple ways that he can do that. He said, look, if I can demonstrate kindness, show you know, how to reward yourself, how to value money. He mentioned a couple of other characteristics as well, but things that he can do and show his son so that his son can grow up to be a great man as well. You might have something similar in your life where you've got a big dream or a big target or a big goal, and it's great to have those. But you might have also started to place lots of pressure for that one thing to meet every single need you have in your life. And that's where all that extra weight and baggage is coming from. Whereas actually, if you've got a dream or a goal and you're doing it because if you think you're good enough and you've done enough in your business or your career or whatever it might be, that finally you might be loved and appreciated by other people, we could just find other ways to also get love and appreciation so it's not all in one place in your career, in your business. If you're looking for more certainty, let's find it in other places as well, so you're not always in contact. Constant fear of just, what if I can't get it from the one place I usually get it from? Think of it like this. If you invest money, the safe way to invest money is to invest it in maybe four or five different places, so that if one of those investments doesn't go right, your money is safe in the other places. But what many people do in their life is they treat their goals, their dreams, their ambitions, a thing where they just invest every single pound into that one thing. And yes, it's good to have focus and commitment and drive in one place, but you also then live in complete fear of what if that doesn't work? How do you think it feels? Or how do you think you perform? How do you think your relationships go, your anxiety goes. If everything's in one place and that thing has to go right, and if it has a bad day, everything falls apart. Life can't be like that. So what we've done in this session is I've just helped him invest some of his energy in other places or start to think about investing his energy in other places to be a better mentor for his son, not just by investing in his business. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you again soon. Sa.