CLIENT SESSION: "How Can I Trust My New Partner?" | Ep 160 | Self-Belief Chief

3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast, you wonderful people. You're here with David Holman. And if you've ever asked the question, am I good enough? Whether it's in your relationships or your performance or your career or in terms of your health, whatever it might be, then you're in the right place. We're not here to hype you up. We're here to give you strategies and techniques to help you transform your life in those areas. Ones that I've shared with the highest performers, from Olympic athletes to business owners. So make sure to hit that subscribe button. Share your favorite episodes and remember, if you change today, today will change your life. A relationship without trust is like a phone without any service. All you can do is play games. And that was a quote from coolfunnyquotes.com I really liked that one. That kind of encapsulates what we're going to talk about in today's episode. So let's go through the usual summary. You're going to hear a conversation between myself and a client. What has just happened prior to what you're about to hear is we've done some work over the previous weeks to overcome some previous heartbreak. They've happened to have met someone recently who they start to like, but now they're starting to worry about can they really trust this person or they're going to repeat mistakes of the past. So I asked them at the moment in terms of the balance between pain and pleasure, when it comes to love, love is always the balance between pain and pleasure. I asked, okay, so when you think about love, what percentages are they at the moment? Is it 50% love, 50% pleasure? What is it? And she said, actually, when a good place, it's probably 70% pleasure, 30% pain. I said, okay. I said to her, what has to happen for it to be 80, 20? And she says, I've got to have the feeling of trust, a sense of trust in this guy that I've met. What we're about to pick up on here is actually find out what has to happen for her to feel like she has a sense of trust. Because trust, everyone wants trust, but how we see it, how we feel it is different for everyone. So I want to know in this particular woman's case, why? What does trust look like for her? Because trust is such a big word. It feels so overwhelming, all encompassing. But actually what we might find out is what we try and work out, what actually has to happen. What's the proof point to know that we can create a sense of trust here. And actually it's not as hard as we think. And there's actually maybe some action we can take. So we're looking at how do we get to that 80, 20 point. So and help her start to reduce that anxiety. And later on it would be 9 to 10, etc. How do we reduce the anxiety that she's currently feeling so that she can really start to enjoy a fulfilling relationship? Let's get into it.

It's. It's around being. I think for me, trust builds when you're like really present with somebody and you're being. You're doing what you say you're going to do.

How hard is it to build trust when you feel a lack of presence yourself?

Really hard.

So rather than feeling like this is the thing, where can I trust them and they need to show something part of what we can say that actually we've got a lot more control of the situation. Maybe I need to be more present in order to actually recognize whether I can trust them. I don't know. You tell me if that's right.

Yeah, that's probably true.

Okay, so I'm just gonna write down the word presence here. Okay. So in this scenario, unbelievably present, one of the things we've spoken about previously is eye contact. You just find a way that you develop a deep connection with someone. Even in relationships, we really like the person you spend time with. We struggle to make eye contact with people. I think it gets worse. Generations go by. You are totally present. You are open and ready to see what you need to see and feeling what you need to feel. Draw out the rest of the scenario for me. Right. You are super present.

My brother's here. My brother's here. So he's waving at me? No, no, he's digging out some tree stumps for me because he's a legend.

So you're present and it means you're doing also, let's say you're 50% in terms of providing that deep connection with someone. Actually, maybe for the first time in your life, you're starting to work out what presence really is. And you've just told me, if I can't really trust people and the way to trust people is being present. Well, that's funny. I don't think I've ever really been that present consistently.

It's always. It's all about presence and then really listening to what they're saying.

Okay, and then. So now we've got that bit down. Now draw out the rest of that picture for me in terms of how would we know that we can trust this person? Right. I'm open, I'm present, I'm available, I'm connected in that way. Right. It's all feelings. What would he be doing being present as well? How would you know if he was present?

The eye contact, the ignoring your phone, it's having that attention, I guess, to kind of, you know, where you are just together.

Where would you be? I know this sounds like a totally dull question, but when you, when you're drawing a picture in your head, where do you actually imagine this happening?

Kind of like in the living room.

Okay.

It's hard to, like, be out together. So.

Okay, so I. I know it sounds like that sounds like a ridiculous question, but I'll get to the point in a minute. Right. So we're in the living room, we're present, they're present. What are you talking about? Again, super daft question. It's like, well, hang on, what the hell are we doing here? Like, very specific moment, but what are you talking about?

Yeah, no, that's a good question. I don't know that. Isn't that crazy? Things that, like, matter.

What matters to you?

Family, friends, you know, kids, like my sport stuff.

Give me a. Take one of those and then be really specific with it. Whatever one of those really matters to you. Take one of those and be really specific in terms of what is it about it you want the ability to be able to talk about or to listen about. That would build trust.

Like something that's really, like a story, that's meaningful, that feels something that you've done, something that really matters to you.

Why does all of that. So we're sat in the living room, we have eye contact that lets us know that we are both connected and present, which is what our definition of trust. I'm listening with my full body. And a story he is telling about his kids. When you imagine all of that, how at that point does it make you feel happy? Why does it make you happy?

Because he's sharing something that's important to him.

So we're at 70, 30. To get to 80, 20, you want a greater sense of that, of that trust that we spoke about. That's the thing that's really going to help you. And I don't know, in terms of that. 80, 20, what? When you see that or you imagine the 820, where's your anxiety with this situation? Nowhere.

And there you go, all of a sudden she says, there's no anxiety There. How simple was that? Just in a short space of time and she starts drawing out the picture of actually how can she build trust and how can she help facilitate the trust? What does the picture actually look like for her when she starts to see that picture? It's like, well, actually, that's not even that difficult. Okay, I can take some steps towards that. Maybe there's some things I can actually do to action this. Maybe I don't just have to kind of wait around, which just creates more anxiety. Maybe there's something I can actually do that can help facilitate a sense of trust or help me find out whether this is someone I can't trust. Helps to find the answer much quicker. Okay. And of course, look, in life, get 100% trust, we don't get 100% certainty, but we really want to be, you know, 90% plus, don't we? And we get to that point, well, you know, we feel comfortable, we feel good, and then we can keep building trust over time. But really, for you to understand for yourself, what does the picture look like? If you want to have trust in something, what has to happen for you to have trust in it? Because I guarantee it's not as complicated as you think. It's not as big, and it's not as overwhelming. And when we remove the kind of emotional intensity around the word trust and just actually look at what. What things need to take place to help build it, we start to find some really good answers and some really sensible answers, really improve the quality of our relationships. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you again soon. If you enjoyed this episode and are enjoying the podcast, make sure to subscribe to keep up to date with the latest episodes. And if you would like a free copy of my book, very simple. Leave a review on itunes and email selfbeliefchiefmail.com with the headline free book, and we'll make sure to send you an audio copy of the book. Otherwise, we'll speak to you next time.