CLIENT SESSION: Lacking Self-Belief Means I'm Lacking Love | Ep 162

3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast, you wonderful people. You're here with David Holman. And if you've ever asked the question, am I good enough? Whether it's in your relationships or your performance or your career or in terms of your health, whatever it might be, then you're in the right place. We're not here to hype you up. We're here to give you strategies and techniques to help you transform your life in those areas. Ones that I've shared with the highest performers, from Olympic athletes to business owners. So make sure to hit that subscribe button. Share your favorite episodes and remember, if you change today, today will change your life. So today's quote is whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right. And that's a quote by Henry Ford which perfectly describes today's episode. So a quick summary. In this episode you're going to hear a conversation between myself and a client about how she can build more self belief when it comes to her relationships. And we're going to look at a very simple exercise to find out what the common denominator is when she's at her most confident best and so she has the idea to use going forward. You'll be hearing this sort of halfway through our conversation. We've already found out what the issues are, what the problems are. Now what we're looking at is finding that key ingredient that allows her to be at her absolute best. This is a process called modeling. We're modeling what already works for her, but making her aware of that. So this might be extremely helpful for you to understand and learn about how you can do this for yourself. We'll be joining partway through the conversation. What I've just asked my client is name three times you've been at your absolute best. So let's get on with the episode.

I guess it's not a specific example, but it's one of my good friends who I feel secure with, like who I feel really comfortable with. I feel like I can be myself completely. It's a really non judgmental place. It just makes me feel comfortable. So my interactions with her and when we catch up and things like that.

Okay, give me two other examples where you have felt confident and secure that you can remember.

Another example would be when I've given a good lecture and I come away from that feeling like that went really well and I just, yeah, I think it does make me feel really comfortable. It makes me secure in I know I'm good at My job and those things.

Good. Okay. And we'll go for one more. One more example.

I would say when I've been on a good date. When. Well, I can't think. Well, I can think of a few examples. They're all fairly similar.

Great. So what we're going to do now is we're going to look at what's the common denominator in each of those three examples in terms of your focus. You know, in our previous session, we talked about energy, specifically, and our body. Now I want us to look at what's the thing of our focus? What is it that we're focusing on each of those times that we've referenced that's allowing us to feel confident, secure? So what I want you to do, when you close your eyes, I just want you to just start to slow down your breathing. Just starting to slow that down, controlling your breathing. Breathe in for four through your nose. Hold breathe out for eight through your mouth. And just start to feel very kind to yourself. Be very accepting of however you feel. I just want you to turn your eyes up and towards your eyebrows. You just feel your eyes moving and fluttering ever so slightly. And as you start to relax, I want you to just imagine yourself somewhere nice and warm, nice and calm. It's on a balcony, the beach, or in a garden or wherever it might be. And just feel yourself drifting, floating deeper and deeper. And I want you to pull out that first example. I want you to imagine. Put yourself back in that first example that you referenced and just nod. When you imagine yourself back there, and you can see yourself and you feel yourself back there. Good. I want you to think of your feet and then your knees, up to your waist, your shoulders, and up until your head. And I want you to then imagine yourself looking down at yourself and seeing yourself. And I want you to answer the question, what is it that you are focusing on in that moment?

But it's just relaxed. It's.

Yeah.

It'S open and there's an exchange. It's not draining. We're both feeling, like, positive and calm, and it's. It's just funny and. Yeah, we're just laughing.

Great. So now can we go to the second example? When you're lecturing to your students, what is it you're focusing on in that moment?

I'm focusing on my students. There's a lot of eye contact. I can feel that there's good energy in the room. There's an exchange of smiles and questions. And I feel comfortable and confident. I feel comfortable, confident, standing strong. I'M at the front of the lecture theatre. Yeah.

Anything else?

Yeah, there's just a real buzz in the room. I can tell that. I can tell that the students are excited about what they're learning. I can tell that there's enthusiasm. They've got questions. I'm answering the questions. And there's interaction both ways.

Who creates the buzz first? You?

I would say me.

Yeah. And what are you focusing on that allows you to create that buzz?

I'm talking about a topic that I'm really passionate about. And there's lots of exciting things to learn and there's lots of strange things, actually, that come under the topic that people find quite surprising. And it just adds. I build that curiosity and they feel inspired to learn more, asking more questions.

Great. So, again, I want you to put that moment in the first one. Put them on memory sticks, put them to one side. And now we're going to think of just that third and final moment where we have felt confident, secure, and get an understanding of what is it that we were focusing on in that example.

So I feel good in myself. I know I look nice and I'm engaged in conversation. I'm smiley, making eye contact.

Now, talk about not feeling judged. And that's a feeling that you create internally that's happening inside of you, that you're able to decide and feel not judged, but also that you create an internal feeling of feeling secure in that situation and feeling confident in that situation. You created that. It's happening inside of you. So what was it in that moment that allowed that to be the case? Because on another day or that same date, on a different day, you could have been feeling judged, because on a, you know, date, we're working each other out. We're sort of working each other, you know, seeing how each other is doing. So we're. What was happening internally that allowed you to feel secure and not feel judged?

For me, it was the fact that I went on a date, and I know that I look nice, I know that I feel good because I've made an effort, and I know that I've got interesting things to talk about.

How about we take a quick break here, and when we return, we'll be digging into some deeper insights. So, back in a minute. If you are enjoying the podcast and want to make sure that you never miss an episode, make sure to hit that subscribe button wherever you are. So on Spotify, itunes, the Facebook group, Google podcasts, or anywhere else, make sure to hit that subscribe button to stay up to date with the latest Insights.

So all of that made me feel comfortable in myself, that I didn't care what anybody else thought.

Great. So thank you for that. So now here comes the interesting bit. I just want you to open your eyes again. We're just going to go through the things that you mentioned in each of the scenarios and see what the common denominators are. So for the first one you mentioned with your friend about laughing, conversation, being relaxed, I know I can be open and positive, calm, buzz. If we look at a lecture you talked about, I know that I can deliver for my students. There's eye contact, people in a good mood, smiles as an exchange, you know, there's buzz, there's passion, there's curiosity. And then we took the third example you mentioned about your date. You know, I know I look nice, I feel smiley, eye contact. I know I can be myself. I know you know, I can feel confident and I know I can eat whatever I want. And so when we look at what the common things are, some of the words used frequently were, you know, I know statements.

Yeah.

And I know statements are very powerful because when it comes to confidence, confidence is all about complete certainty. And so actually I know is a really powerful statement. But also you mentioned buzz multiple times. You mentioned exchange multiple times. But one of the common themes I noticed, not actually what you said, but a common theme is about the value that you're giving others.

Yeah.

Not about what others think of you, just a pure focus on the value that you're giving others. And that's a really important sentiment because that is what we do. That's what lots of us do when we feel really good and we're just concentrating the value. And other people will say, you know, I help people with their public speaking and they'll say that they're worrying about what the audience will think of them. Well, it's fine to have nerves, but that sentiment, it's actually a fairly selfish thing. Whereas you should be focusing on how can I give them as much value, not what do they think of me. And this is a similar thing. And so I think value is a really important thing that came across. Now, of all the things I mentioned, and you'll have your own ideas and thoughts when it comes into what you need to focus on to feel more capable, more confident around your relationships, what do you think the focus should be? What do you think the word is or the theme is or whatever it might be that would allow you to have as much self belief as you can possibly ever want? And also what is the thing that you need to say out loud as well. So what's the focus and the mindset, the thought and also what's the language that you use when you're at your most confident and that we can use going forward?

I think. So the thing that you mentioned about the value, it's really interesting that you picked that up because I would like that seems to. Yeah, I can see how that's a common theme and it's not something I would have said, but I think now that you said it, it makes a lot of sense. So I'd like to choose value for focus because I think it's much richer than the others. And it was a common theme across all of them, which I didn't recognize at the time. And I think I didn't realize how powerful it is when you know something and you're like, like when you know you look nice or you know that that was a good lecture, like, that's that nobody can take that away from you.

You. Okay, so you've just heard that conversation between myself and a client of mine. And it's an exercise. I really enjoy doing that because when it comes to things like confidence, many people expect to learn something new and be taught something new. And there's a model and a framework I work with, I introduce people to, but really the principle is it's to get them to work out what already works because they wouldn't know the target of having, you know, self belief more often and more consistently around their relationships or performance or whatever it might be unless they'd experienced it previously. And so really for most people, they think they sort of want this level of self belief. What they really want is to have that, you know, that feeling of being at their absolute best more consistently. That's what they really want. Actually, if you do that more consistently, then you start to be able to achieve new levels of things anyway. And so I love doing these exercises where you saw in this example, we look at examples when we've been at our absolute best and then find out what are we doing in those situations, then we can pull those things. So in this example, what we, my client pulled out was, you know, what I need to remember is actually I'm at my best when I concentrate on the value I give other people. I'm really good when I do that. And I can say, I know I bring other people value, doesn't matter what they think of me. I know I bring value to other people. And you know what, that sort of thought might be of interest to you. But you can absolutely do a similar exercise, similar principle in terms of having a look at when you've been at your absolute best, what are the common denominators, what are the things that allowed you to be at your best that you can pull out? And if you just do those things consistently, you'll start to build some momentum, you'll start to get more consistent success, you'll get more consistent level of self belief and you'll start to shift in who you are as a person and you'll start to shift in what you're capable of and you'll start to get the results you want, whether it's more love or you know the part, your ideal partner, you know to perform in a final or a situation under pressure to win when it matters to grow your business, whatever it might be that actually will find out what already works for you. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life and I'll speak to you on the next episode.

Sa.