CLIENT SESSION: "Why does my past look better than my future?" | Ep 156 | Self-Belief Chief

3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast, you wonderful people. You're here with David Holman. And if you've ever asked the question, am I good enough? Whether it's in your relationships or your performance or your career or in terms of your health, whatever it might be, then you're in the right place. We're not here to hype you up. We're here to give you strategies and techniques to help you transform your life in those areas, ones that I've shared with the highest performers, from Olympic athletes to business owners. So make sure to hit that subscribe button. Share your favorite episodes and remember, if you change today, today will change your life. Today's quote is our future is dependent on what we do in the present. And that's a quote by Mahatma Gandhi. And that encapsulates what we're going to talk about today. So let's go for the usual summary. So you're going to hear a conversation between a client, myself, a client who is coming out of a difficult phase of life, a difficult period of life, going through a difficult time. We've been doing some work for a while. We could start to come out of that, but now there's the next part, which is, well, actually, what is the future? What does it look like? Is it compelling? Is it exciting? Because without that ingredient, then actually we're going to keep looking over our shoulder at the past a lot of the time. So what you're going to hear is a conversation asking my client about what is it that he actually really wants? And you might hear some examples initially of what he doesn't want or what he wants to avoid, which is how most people answer that question. But what is it that he really wants? Now you'll hear him give some answers, and then eventually you'll hear him use the word achievement. And you'll notice once he says that, the tone changes, the enthusiasm starts to change, the picture starts to change, and he starts to be able to all of a sudden rattle off a number of ideas. And I listen very intently to the words that people use to sort of hear when that person says something that really spikes their interest or spikes their curiosity. And then we can follow that train of thought, because down that train of thought or that particular vein will be the answers that he's looking for and starts to all of a sudden design a picture where, wow, I want to get started, I want to get going. We all need a compelling future in life. And here is a way that you can start to design Yours. Let's get into it.

Just talk me through what a really compelling future would look like for you. If, for example, in a year's time you had this really magnificent life.

Things.

Were really together and that picture was just, just thinking about that picture just lit you up. I mean, what would that picture look like? Might be a picture you've expressed before. You might have certainly been adding to that picture over time. But I want us to be crystal clear because we have a crystal clear picture of what we don't want. I want us to have a crystal clear picture of what we do want. I'm going to write some of these things down so we don't forget them. But what is it that you, you know, a year from now, if things were really, really magnificent, what would it look like.

I would be? Well, so, you know, I've been working and trying to get healthier by doing exercise and all that, but even yesterday, people saying, oh, you're looking, you're looking well. And I'm thinking I'm feeling better over the day. So I think with health and fitness would be quite high up there, you know, so not, not feeling lethargic or okay, you know, so, you know, and even, even with what's such about Sunday, even my relationship, my girls and my family, I don't know why I've done it because it's called what's happening. It's definitely taken up steps. It's like going forward and just improving on that, you know, so that's where I'm looking. You know, even doing things that I want to do, I'm doing it for, you know, I was thinking, I've got so much work on Sunday. Do I want to do. I want to go back in the palace. I don't do work. I thought, no, what is your problems? To get back to my girls in it. So work can wait, can't it? So, yeah, a relationship, girls and family, it's very important. What do I want to be looking at? I want to be sort of say, I've got. I bought this house for a reason. I'm a very sociable person. So I want to be having the work finished and inviting friends around for, you know, things in the garden or parties or barbecues, whatever you want to call it. But to share my space and have good times I've had in the past. Yeah, good, you know, yeah, that's what I'm looking to do. And even my friend, I said, we went sailing last year and we, I thought, well, I want to do more of this and, and even he's just sitting around the boat in the evenings, you know, having a glass of beer or something, you know. But that to me is like with my child there. What, what is what I need to do to relax in a Monday or want to spend my time doing now. I don't spend all my time working, but yeah, I'll just be more in control of what I. As I said to you past conversation, what do I want? Not trying to give in what other people want or not giving but trying to please other people all the time, you know, so in the future be more. Being a dad and a husband, you give in quite a lot to what other people in your circle want. Now I think it's time to do what I want, if that makes sense.

Yeah, we have, we have to knowing what we want.

We can people think about knowing what I want to what someone else wants and which one you focus on. People treat those as if they're super, super mutually exclus, like you have to pick one or the other. They're not. You can have a very clear focus on both without compromising the others drastically. I make certain adjustments and compromise occasionally, but it doesn't have to be effectively else but also doing it through like we spoke about doing the. Through the filter of us being of us taking care of ourselves and being healthy and. Absolutely. So, you know, so to continue to improve our health. Okay, so improved relationship with family. Okay. Having. Bringing about some of those good times that we can remember and start to integrate those things again. Okay. What else do you want? In a year's time, everything was perfect. What else would you want?

Well, it's quite funny because even with work today, I've got a bit more certainty about my work.

Okay.

And I quite like working from home now that, that sort of pleased me to me I had this morning because it's sort of saying, well, we may. I went back to office this week for the first time in a year and I thought all the time I rushed in the car in the morning, get here and all that and it's not essential to do it, still do more work. But we're, we're, you know, I'm getting old. I'm an older, getting older guy, you know, I'd rather work from home and then switch off the computer at 5:00. And that's me done, isn't it, David? Yeah. You haven't got an hour's drive home. You go down and let's say one of my things is cooking for me to relax with Nothing go down. I can cook.

What else do you want?

And well, again, what surprised me this morning is the certainty of having a job, believe it or not, you know, because I'm, you know, my age group is not very, very employable, but my governor's staying and so even working with the same team next year, I'm pleased with that. So, you know, it's just a bit more certainty in life, isn't it? So work from home and work for a big company anyway, so that they're going to hopefully be there in a year's time and appreciate what we're doing. So, yeah.

Why else do you got.

Anything about next year? I want to be. It's all right having a project and a plan, but I want to be showing some sort of achievement. I'm getting there. David, does that make sense, you know, which is where. Where I want to be and I want to say, well, it's all right talking to talk. We've got walk, haven't you?

Absolutely, yeah.

Exactly why we're doing. No, even, even my friend came around the other day, ain't done much. I saw the time this, this, this. And he would even quiet. But it's people looking to see what you're doing. But I know what I'm doing, you know what I mean? It's not. I sit here, I'm doing the plants and all that, so I'm probably not doing building work that they expect to see. But it's other things to do now. You've got to look after yourself as well in Dave and socialize as well. So it's not like I'm not doing things but people looking at. Oh, as you decorate that room. Yeah, he painted that room. But you know, even the other day I found my, my plasterer's number and I thought I lost it. And that made me feel that in the future now I can get him to do the plastering. So again this next year, if I get Sean to do the plastering as well go. I feel I'm going forward. Yeah, it's silly thing as a phone number I know I can contact him now and if he doesn't want to do it, that's okay. But at least I like his work and I know he's good so that to me and he's reliable people. So then, then things are. If he said to me, you've got wait a month, I'd wait a month for him, you know, so as a, you know, so that's, it's, it's as you say, you know, Even yesterday I showed my sister the plans of what I'm doing on my phone. But people can visualize that's what it's.

Going to look like.

She goes, well, it's going to be big. When you finished, I said, yeah, it's going to be, you know, quite big. And she said, even next year, David, as I said, you know, if I'm not with Lisa or not, not with anybody, you know, back to doing students again and making more money. And that sounds dark, but it's making more wealth. Does that make sense? So next year I could be in a totally different place, having a HMO and going to Spain with this place. So it could be. Does that make sense? Golf, sailing. So it's. There's next year I want to have options. Let's put that way. Yeah. So I want to get options to do things.

Yeah.

But if I take. If I take one.

Knox.

And I bet some of the things is stable.

You said, you said achievement.

You said options. So my question is, what options do we want to have and what is a clear sense of achievement for you? Because you mentioned the word achievement. I totally agree. As part of why we're doing this is so that we don't just talk. The talk is that we as well. What is achievement?

What would be achieved achievement to me next year, David, we have an extension Bill that would be. I'm not talking about the whole house. I'm talking about having the. Having the achievement built by the winter time. That's what I'm trying to aim for. That's my achievement. That's my goal.

Okay.

Whatever achievement would. I like to have. An achievement would be to say with my girl was to be. Keep nurturing that relationship. Yeah. So that. Be. That to me would be an achievement if I can keep going forward with them. So, you know, so, you know, so.

Just notice the difference between how clear and specific. Having extension built. That is very ex's nos. Very clear and definable. Improved relationship with our daughters. So now we need to know what is a clear way of measuring that achievement in the way that we can clearly define whether an extension has been built or not. The clear way of defining that we have a really good relationship with our daughters and that that has improved because otherwise we'll get there in a year's time and go, I'm not even sure if it's. Does it feel better? Maybe it does. Maybe it does. What would be a really clear, definable way for you to know and to say, which literally have written on a piece of paper that it clearly says that's improved and that's an achievement.

Well, even this week, you know, my daughter rang up because she couldn't get hold of me because I was playing badminton. I'm trying to get hold of for two days because I don't take my phone to badminton because people are meeting, you know, my mate's got a phone in. We're all my friends are there. Anyway, so. But that was an achievement. And my daughter was ringing up worrying about where I am. And that's how staff. But that is that they're concerned. I mean, that where. Where their dad is and that's. That sounds like a small, small, small token or something. But that didn't happen a year ago.

Yeah.

See how I was. But now, suddenly something's changed again. I know we wanted to talk about the weekend and how do you feel about doing something else? And I thought, well, I'm happy about it, but I'm not going to complain about it because I just want to be with you now, where we're going. So achievement there would be. What would achievement there be?

What would be something that you can control and influence. So in that example, I can absolutely understand that that is a clear signal. Oh, actually, they're showing that they care. You're right. A clear signal. But what's something that you can control in influence for a year's time?

I did. I did think, well, let's put that as an achievement is to. If Covet's okay. I've been to Bruges for Christmas.

Yeah.

And it's quite. It's quite. It's like Disneyland, you know.

Yeah.

And I really enjoyed so. And the other day I thought as an achievement would be to get my daughters to go on holiday before Christmas with me and to take something nice like Bruges. Yeah. So that something I could aim towards. Yeah, yeah, good.

Yeah, good. Okay.

Agree with that.

Sounds good.

Because I was there a lot there two years ago and I thought monkeys would love it. Chocolate and food and, you know, it's shopping and, you know, and it was just. It was just a little lovely weekend. I thought, well, you buy them presents for Christmas, but there's no memory attacher. It's a debut.

I want to.

I want to do something with a memory attached. We've talked about before. Momentum, you know, get there and go in there and, you know, you want to see on the weekend. I might put. I might put to automate. When it comes to Bruges, if Covid is lifted, does that make sense? Because it's not far away as in people got. So that would be an achievement to get them to come back on Holly with me again. Yeah, good.

I think achievement's a really good word. Okay, so what else would be a sense of achievement?

Sense of achievement. Again, it's my birthday at New Year and even if this house was finished or not even to have a birthday party, you know, that'd be an achievement. I'm not saying it's going to be 100 finished. Yeah, yeah, just an achievement. If you think coy. Yeah. As you got this far in the year, you know, but that would be if I could have a party for my birthday at New Year, which I used to do. Yeah, that would be an achievement.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay, so we've got three down.

That's gonna be a harder chair. That's gonna be a hard achievement. It's an achievement, isn't it?

Absolutely.

But you on building site, we have a lot of topping out party. So when the roof goes on, it's called, it's topped out because it's secure, the water stops coming in. So if I could get to that point even without the kitchen in or the bathrooms all in, that would be an achievement. You know, it's quite a big achievement, but it's an achievement.

Yes.

I've often worked. What I'm going to do this year, I'm going to get it ready. So even if it's just all whitewashed, no carpet down and, you know, ready to keep the dust down, I mean, so that would be an achievement for me, you know, so. Yeah.

So, okay, so what's good about this? I want us to write down more things and you've sort of picked out the word achievement. And I can once, once you picked out that word, you started coming up with a different level of target, if that makes any sense. So the ones before, all good, but they're sort of fairly casual. And then as soon as you use the word achievement, it's bang, bang, bang. I've got some, you know, clear things that would be. Wow, that would be. That would be big for me. And what's great is a lot of people in life, they kind of have lots of casual goals and then they have one thing that might seem like ultimate achievement, but sort of they fear the disappointment of not making that happen. And then they never really go after it. So they kind of stay at a fairly casual level. What the best people do in all walks of life, it's that they have the thing that they, the ultimate goal.

Or whatever.

They have Loads of ways of achieving it.

Loads.

There isn't just one avenue for them to do so. Again, using that investment example, you don't invest in one place. You invest in multiple places so that your money, one stays safe. But two, you've got multiple ways of winning the game. If you want to win the game of actually what it is you want from life. Actually having quite a number of different options in terms of achievements, because just for whatever reason, you don't tick off every single one of them. Actually, doesn't matter if you don't tick off this one, because, oh, Christ, I've actually ticked off three other achievements, not just casual things that I wanted, actual big things that change the quality of my life. Because as we've spoken about before, it's important to change our mindset and our emotional state and all of this stuff. It's important to know how to govern those things and to manage those things. The only thing that changes the quality of our life is massive action. To take massive action, you have to know what the pot of gold is. Now, what's great is we might have numerous pots of gold here, or we might have a pot of gold and numerous ways of achieving it. So I'd like us to maybe even just delete all these other things. Just keep it really simple.

Yeah.

Tell me, what else would be a real sense of achievement?

Well, it's what we talked about earlier. You know, people say, what are you doing this project for? Well, it's to achieve more wealth for myself. But as you say, it can be hmo, it can be sold, it can be another buy. To let the options with that, with this is on is more than every other house. That makes sense, Dave. You know, so it's more, you know, even no disrespect to Lisa, we stop seeing each other. Well, it doesn't matter, because now I can be in the house weekends, and if I do Airbnb, I can achieve more money to do more things that I want to do. You know, like if I want to go to Spain for a month or four, if I've run into students for a month at a time, I'll take the money on the month. I'll go to Spain for three weeks and come back and get the rest of the money. So, you know, so the achievement of having students in here, I keep an eye on them. And I can also work towards my retirement, you know, because I was saying to my government, can we work four days a week rather than five days a week? Just, you know, I want to go I know I've got a bad shoulder anyway, but I want to. I'm playing bad men, so that's a good thing. I want to one day I can try and go back to golf again, you know, achieve a sociable life with, with guys who are my age, retired or whatever. I don't know if you go golf.

I'm atrocious.

Golf is my worst sport.

Is it?

Yeah.

Well, as I say, I've not played since I've broken my shoulder and all that, you know, that clavicle broke. So it may be maybe I'll never be able to play golf again. But you know, I mean, I don't know. But I've got, I've got to try and do something that is non work related. That's just a hobby. Does that make sense? And everything on Wednesdays now it's like you, you, you've been in sports for night stuff. Wednesday night was always training night. So no matter playing badminton. I like playing on the Wednesday because I used to train on a Wednesday with football. So you, you know, you think I've got over my aches and pains from the weekend. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I don't feel too bad. I'll go training and then you a campaign shirt Thursday, Friday and then you're playing again Saturday, aren't you? So something, you know, it makes, makes more sense to me to do that, you know, so, you know.

Okay, so, so with the context you just give me there, try and specify that into something very, to simplify it into something a very simple target. That would be a real sense of achievement. Lots of different parts in there, I understand. So try and pick out something very simple from that. That actually that would be a very specific achievement to get a real sense of achievement from that.

Well, as I'm, as I'm time poor at the moment, I think the achievement of finding another relationship near to where I live and making it work, you know, I think that'd be a really achievement but as you say is how much water I'm better put onto this plant to make it grow, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, so I think, I think the distance from me and Lisa is just going to be, you know, I even thought let's see when she moves in this weekend how far it is and can I cope with the, the extra traveling because Lisa's near her family so she's got that little bubble over there. But I'm thinking it's not you that's traveling. At least it's me that's traveling over on A Saturday afternoon for an hour and a half drive. And is that what I want to do, my time date? Because one of my values up there is time. And it's not really what I don't want to spend my whole life driving to. I'll do that for a job. To me, then your relationship becomes work. So if I could achieve, you know, even on, even on that dating site, it's got real relationships or to meet people. And I think I'm going to change mine from real relationship to meet people. So I'm not going to falsify people's hopes. I want to be in a relationship. What I want to do is to meet people and see where that goes. Oh, this is why. I know it's a bit, maybe a bit wishy washy, but I think you've got to meet people first to find out where you're going to go with them. That makes sense.

Not so I'll say two things. One is when people think, talk to me about dating apps and say things along the lines of, oh, there aren't any good people on there.

There's a very easy get out for.

Me with people who say that sort of thing, which is, do you think that you're the best person on that dating app?

No one has ever said yes to that question because no one would like the idea of saying out loud, yes, I am the best person. You know, we're not the most attractive or the most interesting or the most funniest person. There are lots of high quality people that would suit us on those platforms. Now the other point of what you just said, which is about meeting people face to face as well, most important part, which is the whole reason for that Area 3 of the program, which is something we can go back to if that's something that now we're sort of getting to that point of going, you know what? I feel more comfortable. Maybe I am ready to open that door again and sort of see if I can find the right person. Then we can go back into Area 3. Area 3's got all the tools that we need to one, know what actions to take, but two, to feel comfortable and comfortable doing so, but really very simply is we have to know what our ideal partner looks like. Because as we've spoken before, that is what tells us what actions to take. And then there are modules in terms of how to attract with emotional highs. So actually how do we create better conversation that's not sort of stale, feels boring, but actually creates an emotional high in the other person, makes it a Bit easier.

So.

Having a new relationship and what you said in terms of. Yeah, you have meeting people, getting to know them first. Absolutely. You have a good clarity of what your ideal partner is. It goes back to all those things you wrote down in terms of what things and activities and stuff would that type of person do? And that then aligns with what you've said just previously, which was trying something new or bringing up a new hobby or something new, which has therefore has the double effect of trying something new just because I enjoy it. Having natural conversation with people who've got a similar interest, but also in those situations, meeting people who are like minded, who see us at our best. And either we meet people in those settings or we just grow our social circle and they know other people. And so it stays familiar. Right, so it all stays familiar. So if that's something that appeals to you, that actually you're sort of warming up to people as opposed to it feeling very kind of cold and meeting people for the first time, then I think that's, I think that's a very good way of doing it. And so to integrate those two things you said about new relationship but also a new hobby, let's put those two things together.

So even, even we spoke in the past. Now in one of my, one of my, on the dating app is one, I don't do smokers, I mean, wouldn't go out anyway. Yeah. And then I've been looking at, on the side, they're going, you're, you're, you're a clever guy, educate guy.

And I thought, thank you.

Not many people say no, but I'm saying, but why not, why, why not meet somebody who's got the same educational level as you?

Yeah.

As you say, you know, rather than, you know, if, if you're at that level of education, you've studied hard. Well, they've studied hard to get there as well, haven't they?

Yeah.

And they've used their brain logically to get there. So why, if I'm a lot, if I'm a logical person, don't go with an emotional person, go with a logical person and perhaps they have more in common. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

You've got to put gone, you got to put your, you got to be, you say, you've got to define what you want, you know, more so than what you, you know, no disrespect, when we were younger, you just go for what you, what you need, you know, the girlfriend to get a girlfriend, didn't you? Yeah, as you get older realize when I was at university, the women I found more attractive are not the best equipment in class, but a woman, high intelligence, which surprised me. You know, they're really nice. You know, it's not their, their looks as I'm getting older, it's their intelligence and their personality, isn't it?

So, yeah, I just wanted to then pull up this piece of work whilst you were sharing that, which is going back to what our ideal partner looks like. You know, there's not a whole load of new work we have to do here. If we go back to, you know, the things that they would be doing. And I think you did eventually fill this in a bit more detail, but. So this might be the first copy of it, but we might even go back to just adjusting some of these answers again or just for you to have another flick through it and go, actually, I wonder what actions to take. So there's a question here. What activities, friends and places do you need to double down on to meet your, you know, meet new people, be at your best and happiest, increase your chances. Meeting someone, you've got all the answers in terms of what to try that ladders up to your ideal partner as well. So that would, it would make a lot of sense to me to pick something in these categories. So you might want to go through.

The, you know, have a.

Skim through this again and have a look and go, do I need to adjust any of my answers slightly?

But are you back?

Well now, yes, back. Yeah. There we go. Sorry.

So, and so in that case, in.

Terms of those list, go back to the achievements you were mentioning is we talk about new relationship, but pick a hobby or activity which aligns with our ideal partner because then you're doing something just because you enjoy it. It's something that you think will expand your life, but might have the side benefit of meeting someone rather than doing things just for the express purpose of meeting someone. And therefore it feels like there's lots of pressure, might as well be doing stuff we actually enjoy doing. So just remind you of your previous answer, things that you've said, if I can go back to the document, wherever it is. Oh, come on. No, that wasn't it. There we go. So you'd put dancing, sailing, walking with a group, joining local clubs, dating site. So my thing would be, I reckon there are probably more activities that ladder up to your answers that you put earlier in this work. But also maybe it's just time to do a little bit of research. Right. Things have opened up again. So actually we could write down five options for each of these different things. So walking groups, okay, here are five in my local area, sailing, here are five in my local Area, dancing here, five in my local area, etc. Etc.

And then you can just pick one.

That you go, actually, that, that, that seems to be a good one. And then we just commit to that. And if nothing, a bare minimum is we're just enjoying ourselves, right. Doing something that, again, we expand online, it gives us more to talk about, also separates us from our work more.

Right.

You know, we talk about time.

Not every aspect is purely about the actual time, but it's also how we spend the time. Are we totally present when we're not working? What helps with that is having these other things that really shift our mind away from work so that we become more comfortable with our mind being somewhere else completely. As you're finding probably with your daughters as well, as you've taken time, then actually those relationships are improving. But what might be going forward is you might not find this more and more and more and more time. You just might find you're better with the time to be even more present and that you can talk about all these other things. So just out of interest, as I say, what I might get you to do afterwards is just having another look at this coursework and start to put some more notes on it or just fill it out a bit more and then align it with what we've written here. But just out of interest, when you spoke about new hobbies, what's something that you think would really appeal to you or something you maybe you thought about trying or doing, but that you think also the type of person that you would like to meet would probably do those sorts of things as well?

Well, I definitely think, as I said, golf is not.

It's really all men.

Okay. Like a friend today, he's got his yacht. I said, look, a little yacht he's got. I said, I want to go on a sailing course. And the more confident you feel sailing, you know, you're going to meet women that probably do sailing or in the area.

Yeah.

So. And someone who's, you know, who's into being out. I like outdoors women and people in the water, like, you know, so that's probably more my type of person. If I do want to go down to Spain to live and out the sale, somebody wants to go out for a sale during the day, you know, or that sort of thing. I mean, David or, you know. But I think that's more where I'll Be going and I don't know and as you say, even like, you know, I used to like art, you know, when I retire, when I start going back to art classes. Well, why not do that straight away? And I'll definitely. There's one, there's a tai chi place down the road for me here and once that opens up again, I'm going to go down and even if I work from home and they say we've got class at 3 o' clock in the afternoon on Friday, I'm just going to go down there during work hours, do it and then make another hour up when I come back from. But as you say, you've got to look to where. Where you want to meet people, where you want to go, don't you? You know, people have your own. My own age group, you know, as I said to you before, like, you know what I want to give back to the community. My dad was at a stroke and belonged to a stroke club and already found a stroke club already. They're not open at the moment because of COVID but I'm just going to go there in the evenings one evening a week and play bingo with. And that sounds. It's a help, you know, I couldn't help my dad all the time because he was in Scotland. But you know, it's giving back to other people, helping my dad and I wasn't there. So I think I'm like, I'm going to help other people's dads, can't I? And mums and you know, help anybody, you know, so. But yeah, so yeah, that's what I want to do, you know, so.

Okay.

Hopefully even with Lisa, you know, she was, she worked for a company called Mind and they had to do brain injuries and all that, but there's quite a lot of motorcycles got brain injuries and I thought I want to give something to that charity because of my injury.

Okay.

My head still bad as ever was. But you know, if I could help any guys who's struggling enough to have a brain injury from a motorbike crash, I think that's what I want to be. I'm not meeting women. It doesn't make sense. But you're meeting, you're expanding your circle of people, aren't you, by volunteering for charities on once the house is done.

Basically, you know, so, yeah, and you've touched on a very important point there. So part of the answer for the question you had at the beginning in terms of how to step into a better life and move away from some of the Past that every so often, just feel dragged back by others as slightly. What setbacks or problems or what other people and relationships not working. All those things do is they make us question our value.

The rest of the time, our value feels fine. Then when we get dragged back slightly, what really is happening is we're going, am I again? Am I good enough? It just makes us question our value. So a good important way out of that, if we know that's what's going on, is what you've just said. Remind yourself of the value you can provide by being in situations where you can provide it. I get a tremendous sense from the work that I do. I'm like everyone else. I could have moments where I question certain things or doubt certain things or whatever it might be. But what corrects that or balances me out very nicely is by the end of the day, I've worked with a few people, coached a few people, and reminded myself of the value I can provide. So what you've said probably would be very good for you as well. I'm sure you do that already. But adding something else where it's another constant reminder of the value you have, well, that like a lot of these other achievements, they kill two birds with one stone. We might as well have things where actually they tick off a number of different things, you know, activities and hobbies, which also puts in a position to meet people who are like minded. Okay? Giving value back to other people, that helps us with our level of value and confidence, that helps with a relationship. So all these things have these side benefits that actually if we do all these different achievements, then they will have side benefits that help everything else. So you mentioned a few things there, which is good. So I want us to just write down a few more achievements based on the things that you just said. So just pick some specific examples from.

What you just said.

So you know what, David?

Achievement.

A year from now, if I was doing this regularly or if I'd started doing this, whatever it might be.

Well, as I say, one achievement could be to, to go back to dancing and go back to Tai chi.

Okay.

Even if I find, you know, I'm already doing badminton, so. But Tai chi, believe it or not, helps. It's a lot of things like golf helps every so much because it's balanced. And David, I've been a goalkeeper. You know, if you get your balance right, even riding a motorway, Tai chi helps riding motorbikes because you, you're, you're aware, slowly moving into a balanced part of your body, you do that On a motorbike, you're not going to come off, you know, when you. Because you're actually aware of where your arms are or where you what or where your body weight is on a motorbike. And it's very similar Tai Chi where you step onto your standing leg, we call it, you put your weight on the same as motorway, exactly the same. But let's say Tai Chi and then say number six could be, you know, when things start to open up, get involved in more charities. You know, I like men in sheds, you know, make more inquiries. It's because I used to teach carpentry to people in evening classes and I thought, well, so many people want to learn how to do things that I know what to do, as I said, what, you know, what do we say with that confidence? I know how to do it, don't know. So, yeah, spread that knowledge and teach people, you know. And I'm even surprised at the repair shop in the telly how much people are overwhelmed by getting a jewelry box repair.

Yeah.

You think it's a, an inanimate object, but as you said, it transports you back to a better time, you know, to, to, to be with, you know, with, with, with good memories, doesn't it? You know, so, you know, people so even smell like it used to smell like it, you know, but if they smell it, you know, like, you know, you know, it's just that warm fuzzy feeling, isn't it? Like. Yeah, I think, I think doing some more to say. I've got to achieve this, get this done to get onto my charitable. I've got achieve my project to get onto my charitable work, haven't I? So that's going to give me an incentive, isn't it?

So, and just, just so I'm super.

Clear, what I might suggest is you might need to do some more research later. I appreciate that, but if right now you to go, you know what if I had to pick a specific charity.

Or at least the specific thing that charity would be doing, what would it be?

I think it would be brain injury stained the brain injury types, I think with motorcyclists.

Yeah, good.

Okay. What else, what else would give you a great sense of achievement.

And that sounds daft, but I like gardening. Is to get the garden in the right. That's a massive project out there.

Okay.

I'm leaving it to think, right. That's what I've got to achieve once the house is built. It's not, it's. It's never ending, David. I'm always trying to look for the next project. And that sounds dark, but.

No, it should.

That should be the case.

Yeah.

Is it? Yeah. Well, let's do the. Let's do the garden as an achievement.

And then after that, define.

Define that for me. So. Because I can imagine that you're clear in terms of what that achievement looks like. Describe it to me. So what is it about the garden that has to happen for it to be a sense of achievement?

Achievement.

So I know it needs to be done up, but what does that.

Yeah, well, the first thing. The first thing I'll do is I'm leaving it for you to see where I am with what I've got. Yeah. And I've also. I've just started doing like rescue beds, I call them. So I want to dig plants and rescue them to make sure they're going to go back in again. But I've always had this ambition. I've watched George Clark's amazing sports spaces and I think, you know what, I could do one of them. You know, I could do a. Like a posh shed, we'd call it. Yeah. But I've always fancied doing a green roof or having a pub, not size of puppets, not me drinking there, but even a meditation place or a workshop to work in or a space you can use. So I think I've got the space, I've got the knowledge. You want to do the green shed. So when the garden's done, put in the. The foundations for this outbuilding. Yeah. So, you know, like, so over spill from the house. So if I do want to go down and meditate, which we know I do anyway, I want to go do tai chi or want to go down to art. It's there, isn't it? It's ready for me to go and do something. So you get away from the house, go down the garden and you enjoy. You've got a journey to get there, to make sense. So you think, right, I need to spend time in that.

In that. In my.

I'm not building it for nothing, I'm doing it for something because I sense I can take and. And it feels like an achievement. So.

Yeah, I might have missed a little.

Bit what you said.

Did you say it was a greenhouse?

No, summer house.

Summer house. Right. Thank you. Okay. Yep. So build summer house. Yeah, yeah.

Summer has stroke, you know, because I was gonna say.

I thought you said greenhouse and I was.

And then you started talking about yoga, meditation.

I thought, he's gonna burn in there.

I've always fancied doing a green roof, which is A living roof with sedums on it and all that. I've never built one.

Right.

Things I have done. So I think that would look ideal, you know, as a. And I'm taking the roof off, so I'm going to have loads of hundreds of thousands, thousands of tiles to put. So I thought I'll clad it with it. I'm trying to do recyclings. I think if I just want to throw the tiles in the skip, I can use them to clad the outside. And I've got. I've got a lot of stuff here, Dave, that wouldn't have to take me a lot to buy other bits of material, you know, so that'd be a big recycling thing as well. So. Yeah, I'm into recycling in the garden.

So. Okay.

Where does the. Where does the sailing fit in here?

Or does it.

No, my friend is. He's probably one of my best pals. He's got.

He's.

We used to go biking together and he's got a little, small, little yacht, but he wants to get a bigger yacht. But his plan is to go and end up in Spain in two or three years time, retired, sell his business and go and live in Spain. I thought, I'm coming to Spain, you know, I mean, so if I did have this set as a. As a HMO or did have it as a buy to let, that would give me an income just to rent some in Spain. That's where the sailing, you know, I used to go to a place called Morgan in Gran Canaria and it's basically just a big harbor. So nicely, you know, people go down a sailing boat, never leave there, they just live there. I thought, you know, that's. It's not everybody's cup of tea, you know, but, you know, I wouldn't. It wouldn't for me, you know, what I'm doing at the moment. I live on a boat.

So does it belong on this list or not yet?

I'd say achievements. I would say try to do a bit more sailing, you know, or get, as you say, do your research.

Okay.

Learn.

So what would.

In a year's time, what would the achievement be to.

Get more knowledge about sailing? You know, if you're going to sell, you've got to do your. Do your homework, haven't you?

Sort of.

Okay, so how would it be?

So in a year's time, your achievement would be to have more knowledge about sailing? Yeah. Or.

Or have done a course on it.

Okay. All right. Yeah. So something, something clear and definable.

So in, in my brother Went to the Greek islands and he went on a week's holiday. But you learned how to sail in a week. And I thought, well, I'm not really one for sitting on the beach anyway, so if I could go on a sailing course for a week somewhere or even wherever I live, there's all sailing around here. But it's doing my. Like you said, it's doing my research, finding out where I could go, where I can learn and something. Doing evenings, not relating to work. I'm gonna. Time overdo.

Yeah. So when you look at those eight things, how do you feel?

Well, with the. With the. With the sailing course, there's another side to that story, because my daughter wants to do something. To do something.

Yeah.

And I said, you know, golf's quite hard. It's five hours. But she wants. I think I could persuade her to come with me. So doing something which ticks my box with family, it's keeping me healthy, isn't it? It's definitely going to make me smile.

And laugh, isn't it?

And it could improve my adventures and holidays. Even looking at my values on the wall. Take a lot of them. Values over there. You're going to contribute to her life, you know, with something to do, to learn, and it's going to improve. It's going to help me to do something else in it. So.

Okay. And how do you. When you look at the eight as a whole.

Yeah.

What's the emotion?

The emotion is going. Is going forward, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, that's a going. That's a moving forward, isn't it?

So why.

There's nothing on there. There's nothing on there, David, I wouldn't want to do. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing on there. If I could do all of that, I'd be well placed. If I got sort of 90%, I'd be even happier, wouldn't I?

Yeah. So whenever we get stuck, it's for one of two reasons. Sorry, it's. It's for two reasons or one of two reasons. Life doesn't match the picture of how we think it should look.

So life doesn't match the picture of how we think it should look. And the second one is we don't feel like we've got the control to change it. So, as in the beginning of this conversation.

Skip that again, David. It doesn't work.

So the number.

What?

There's two reasons. What reason? One is life doesn't match the picture of how you think it should look. So we have a picture of how life should look. And that we're just not there. And the second reason is when we feel like we don't have the control.

To change it.

Or to change. To change things. To change. Don't have the control to change things.

Control.

To change things, change.

I think you've just hit right on the head. What, what me and Lisa. Why we're not together. Because that's just basically it, the life of picture. What she wanted is to be with her daughters and with the dogs and the cats and all that. And I wasn't in the picture, was I? So that's where we're not with each other. And she doesn't live near enough to see each other. And we can't control or change that because she's got her own life to live and does what she wants to do constantly, you know.

And so when you expressed to me basically feeling a little bit stuck in terms of, right, things are good, but I. I get. I get stuck here. They're the reasons, very simply, why you're getting stuck. So what we did today was two things. One is to leverage some more control of how you can change things and actually move forward so you're not stuck. But then for the first reason is quite often we keep forcing ourselves and we keep wanting to change and we keep wanting to become something to obtain this picture. Sometimes that picture is not a very good picture, and actually there's a much better one. And so what we've done in terms of writing down these achievements is just to start defining a bit clearer what a better picture actually is. As you said, you achieve 90% of that. It would be amazing for you. So often many of us try and fit into a picture that isn't even the best picture. It's like those values we spoke about previously. So we reorder those values. Well, your old values make us run after things that aren't even really the things that we want. This is no different. So whenever you feel stuck, either look for how I can leverage a bit more control or just change the picture.

Okay.

What would be a better picture than this one?

Wow.

Actually, that would be a much better picture. And that one actually is possible. So it's a better picture and it's possible. That's interesting. Doesn't mean it's easy. Right. But the reason people get stuck is life doesn't match the picture of how they think it should look. And so whenever you're stuck, all that's happening is we're not clear of the picture in front of us. So we're going Back to the old picture. And the old picture isn't based off everything you've just told me, isn't even what you want. You want this new picture. It's just hard and requires work. Yeah, it's actually very simple.

It's quite funny because as a builder, David, we do, as I was a carpenter, we would ask David, what do you want? Yeah. And then we'd go away, we'd draw it, say, is that what you want? You need to go, yeah, that's what. I don't like that bit there. And that video, even as we move with these plans of this house, it's what I want. So the, the drawings are in past planning. It's what I want. So I know what I've got to do to get there. So I've got the picture of the plans of the picture. So. But we used to say, if you can draw it, we can build it.

Yeah.

So if you can, if someone, if an architect can draw that, we can work out how to build it. So now as you say, if I think about doing the plans of this, it's the plan and I've got draw that plan up in my head to go that way. You know, let me say the extent on top of it. But it's in the right order anyway as well. That new relationship could be anywhere, can't it? So the last four.

Well, I was going to ask you what.

Yeah, I was going to ask you what order, what order should those be in?

I mean, it doesn't have to be a perfect order. For example, what's first on that list? What should be number. What should be the next thing?

The next number one is definitely, I have to get the extension built tonight.

Yeah. Okay.

And then Christmas. Christmas would be, you know, take my daughters on holiday. But prior to that it could be the sailing course.

Yeah.

In the summer. Yeah, that should. Can be anywhere, can't it? The charity I can't do till I've got more time. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah.

The birthday is going to be after Christmas anywhere where it is going to be January. So that's. That's right in that order. The new relationships, that could be anywhere in Tai chi could be anywhere. The summer house can't be done until the house is built anyway. And the charity is probably the last one. Yeah, the charity would be right before charity.

And so as the charity be the last one. Okay. So just move those around anyway. It doesn't have to be a perfect order, but there are things that we can put certain plans in place. Whilst they can't be achieved this second, they plan to be put in place. So, for example, that holiday to Bruges that you mentioned, we can put those feelers out now or pretty soon.

I do that Sunday, can't I? When I. When I smell girls. Yeah, Sunday, when I see my girls in the cars. How would you feel if, you know, we went to. If Covid's lifted, it's a 45 minute drive from France and I'll be there.

Yeah.

And I've done it before, as you say. It's knowledge of what to do and where to go. And I think it's like, I don't know if you've. If you think, oh, Mark, you're told you're married, or whatever you think, call, my wife would love this, you know, but you thinking, who, who would love it? You know, And I mean, the beer and the chocolate, I'm not going to be vain about that. But, you know, and it's. It's a nice, nice, everyone's happy, happy mood.

When you sell it to your daughters, just remember, sell it based on what is important to them. And that sounds very simple, very logical and of course. But really think about what would make it a great holiday. Why would they want to do it? And that is very subtly different to why we think they would want to do it. Why is it that they would want to do it? So when you're actually pitching it to them, if you pitch it based off the things that are undeniably the most important things to them, then they'll go, yeah, of course, yeah, that's something I'd like to do. I'm sure they'd really like the idea.

But they might.

You know what, they might even come back to you say, actually, you know what, maybe not at Christmas. Could we do it at this point? And you go, yeah, okay, sure, okay, maybe we can't do it at Christmas, but we'll do it here and just.

Put the plans in motion.

And you know what they might say.

Actually.

You know what, dad, Not Bruges. But actually, would this be interesting? Would you like to do this? So you might as well put the feelers out now. And all of a sudden, the things we've talked about, which would be a sense of achievement a year from now, we're starting to get the benefits in the next couple of weeks. Okay, actually, yeah, some of these things are actually emotion. I'm actually doing these stuff. And now you've got something forward, as you said, you've got something to look forward to in the future. And then there's stuff inside of that that you can do in the meantime. That's, that's per. That's what everyone wants from life is having something in the distant future to look forward to and then having things in the meantime that are exciting as well.

So.

Absolutely.

So it's even. It seemed like, it seemed like someday we want to go and do. I've done a bit of weight boarding in the past, you know, a couple of days of it. And there's a place down the road does it. And I said, my dogs, I'd love to do that. And they're good swimmers. I said, we'll do that one one weekend. But you say she's got to organize every night. So that's what we're going to do and we can do it. And I said when we went out the other Sunday for my daughter's birthday Saturday, I thought this is where they do the wakeboarding. Now what you're saying is this is where we're going to be doing it. So as you say they want to do it and you know, but it was quite funny because a little was feeling a bit left out the other day when I see her because her sister's got a new best friend there. You know, I mean, I'm thinking, who wants more time, doesn't she? She's gonna feel, I think she was a little bit pushed out because she's not very sporty like me or you. She's just not that sort of person. I mean, but you know, everything, everything she wants to do has got to start revolving around tennis. You know, they play tennis. My other daughter, so. But she's playing tennis with her new sister in law because you don't play tennis. But you know, she's feeling a bit left out. She doesn't play tennis. But what's the point going tennis if someone doesn't play tennis? Isn't it like, no, but you know, so yeah, I want to get them up, get a. Come bad men with me.

And so when I have conversations with.

People, I really listen very carefully to the words that are used, but also the response they have to the words that they use. As soon as you said achievement, this conversation flowed very easily.

So there was other.

I could do that. Maybe I'd like some more certainty. Maybe that would be good. And then you said, you know, what a sense of achievement. And then boom, we got through a lot of ideas fairly quickly.

And so what I do is, I.

Follow, I listen and then someone hits a wrong word and then we Follow that vein, although, you know, and travel down that particular vein to the heart to find out what it is that really lights us up. And then you talk about these things with more enthusiasm, more passion, the future goes. Actually that's a bit more of a compelling future that I can actually start making plans and actions on now that expand in different areas of life. But all of them will benefit each other.

It's not like doing one only work, you know, doing number, doing number six.

Helps, just, just helps number six. It probably helps three of the other ones. And you're right, you might not get through all eight and in six months time you might go actually, you know what charity or brain injuries. I had a better idea, I'm going to swap that out, I'm going to put this instead. But we all need a bullseye. We have to have a bullseye. And whenever we get.

During the weekend I'm thinking I always set myself up a target for that for Saturday and there's a target now for Monday, you know, and like even loading stuff out tonight, unless I, I think I want to achieve getting that room finished, it's never going to move, is it? So even tonight we'd be loading plaster that for an hour to get to achieve. So make sense like to achieve what I need to achieve for Saturday morning or Monday because I'm giving myself Sunday off to see my girls and all that. And yeah, yeah, so I do, I do plan things that way.

Yeah.

You know, I think the only difference.

We'Ve said before, got to eat properly, haven't I to do this stuff, you know, I'll plan it the night before what I'm going to eat and get on with it, you know.

So we have to take the principle that works for you in your career and do the thing that most people don't do. Everyone, most people create goals and targets for their career and for not another area in their life. Maybe their health and fitness. They define it by a certain weight. But no one sets goals in any other areas. We need goals. That's the reason why relationships end as we do the basic, you know, there are a few milestones that people have in relationships. They tick those off and they go, oh shit, what next? So we all need sense of targets. In this case we call them achievements. And so one thing that's going to help you going forward, there are three things that you can now rely on which is really, really helpful. We've gone through a load of tools to manage our emotion state and over time that will only improve and you get better at using them and better at using them, better at using them, and you learn how to use them better and etc. So you've got the tools. Okay, the second part is, as I said earlier, there is always a part of you that's just unaffected by whatever you're going through. Okay? So that is there somewhere. But the tools, there's a part of us we can rely on that is strong, that is unaffected, that we can at some point count on, that can help us through that period. And we know it exists because there'll be examples of us overcoming immeasurable things. And the third part is then having a compelling future that drags you, that pulls you so you don't have to push yourself all of the time. You have to push yourself with the tools. Sometimes you have to push yourself with, like, finding that piece of you that's unaffected. But then also, it's nice to have something that does the work for you. This does the work for you. It makes you look forward, it makes you want to get out of bed. It gives you a compelling vision. It goes, actually, things are going to get better. Actually. My life hasn't just existed before me and I'm just sort of floating through now. Actually, I can still have my best years in front of me. If I do those in the eight things next year, that, to be honest, that's probably one of the best years I'll ever have, even if I just take off five of them. And so having those three parts, the tools, the internal strength somewhere, and a compelling future, if you have all those three things, then you've got so many different backups to staying in a good place, right? If I can't do this at the moment, I. I've got this or this. If I can't do this.

So first, apologies for the audio going up and down ever so slightly. We had a few technical errors during that recording, but I'm sure you got the gist of what was going on. And that sense of. Once he started using the word achievement, for whatever reason, in his vocabulary, that means something more than just something to do, something exciting. Achievement. And everyone has different words and different vocabulary of things that entice them and excitement and actually get them going. And for you, a word might be achievement, but it might be a different word that if you explore different words of, you know, what is it about a compelling future that I want to do for this kind? It was create a sense of achievement and the many ways that many types of achievements that we could have. So what is that word for you.

And then follow that once it feels.

Like a good word, follow that vein. So rattling off the ideas and picture what it would look like once we've actually done it all. Because all emotion is contained inside a picture. The clearer a picture is, the more emotion is contained inside of it. Of all the things we're trying to avoid or the pain we want to not experience, or the things that we don't want to happen, we've got a very clear, clear picture. And that's why there's so much emotion contained with it. So you can start to define a crystal clear picture of what it is that you do want. Then more and more emotion will get inside that picture and fuel it. And that emotion is going to be able to, you know, be the counterbalance to drag you out of the pain that you might be feeling otherwise. Because we need something that, in terms of an emotional intensity, creates a counterbalance, something that's really emotionally tense, but in a joyful way, an excited way, in a grateful way, whatever it might be. We all look for those kind of big emotional highs in our life, and that's what you can create. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life.

I'll speak to you again soon.

If you enjoyed this episode and are enjoying the podcast, make sure to subscribe to keep up to date with the latest episodes. And if you would like a free copy of my book, Very Simple. Leave a review on itunes and email selfbeliefchiefmail.com with the headline free book, and we'll make sure to send you an audio copy of the book. Otherwise, I'll speak to you next time.

Sa.