Ep 181: Secret Science of Gratitude

Alexa said to me, david, I know about gratitude. I know about appreciation, but I don't really feel it. You know, I know the things I should be grateful for, but why don't I feel grateful? Hello, and welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast. You're here with David Holman. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast for the latest episodes, the latest research, science, conversations I have with clients. We have episodes with interviews with real life coaching. So you can hear, you know, clients of mine actually talking as well amongst these episodes. So look out for those. Otherwise, let's begin. So Alexis is talking to me about her inability to really feel grateful for things. She says, I know the things that I could or should be grateful for, but I just don't feel it. Now, the first thing to address is actually, what's the individual going through? What's Alexis going through? Because when you go through something big or traumatic, if you're experiencing grief, for example, it's okay not to be grateful. It's okay. It's okay not being okay. When I work with people, the first thing I don't do is talk about all the things they should be grateful for. Because when you're going through grief or something traumatic or something big, you don't feel it. I've been there. It just goes, you don't feel grateful for anything. So the first thing is really to address, are you in a really difficult stage where you know what, it's okay if you don't feel grateful. It's fine. It'll come back. That's the first part. But the second part is something Alexis said. Something she said is really, really key and really important. But she won't have noticed. She said, david, I don't feel grateful. Feel is the operative word. People treat gratitude and appreciation as a thought. I think of things to be grateful for. And gratitude isn't a thought, it's a feeling. It's not just by having a thought that we ultimately feel something. It's our body, it's our physiology. It's lots of things that create feeling. So she asked me, david, how can I more intensely feel gratitude? So this is something you might want to try, wherever you're listening. But this is what I got Alexis to do. I said to her, I'd like you to get your pulse right? So feel your pulse on your wrist and take your wrist and put it against your heartbeat. So put your wrist against your heartbeat so you can feel your pulse against your heartbeat. She can feel a heartbeat against her wrist. I said to Alexis, now close your eyes. I said, okay. Now, what's going to start happening is we're going to pull in things that you could be grateful for, but I want you to keep your wrist on your heart. The reason I was getting her to keep her wrist on her heart is what they find when you think of being in a relaxed, comfortable state. Imagine as a baby, you were held potentially against your mother's chest. Part of the soothing comfort was actually feeling another heartbeat. Now, your heart doesn't know that your pulse is you, right? It can easily think it's another human being with another heartbeat. So you put your pulse against your heartbeat, and for your heart, it feels like it's someone else. It's that small bit of pressure on your chest. And what they find is if you pull in things that you're grateful for and you keep your wrist there and you do that for two minutes, something amazing happens. So your ECG and erg, so those are jaggedy lines that you see in a hospital, your sort of heart rate monitor and things like that. And your brain waves, they're those jaggedy lines. So they're really always sharp and pointed, and they're always sort of out of sync with each other. But if you keep your pulse on your heart and you think of things you're grateful for, close your eyes, think of things you're grateful for. In two minutes, what happens is they find that both your brain waves and your heart rate, so those jagged lines, they start to smooth out. And not only do they smooth out, they sync up. Now, for me, gratitude is about deep synchronization. To really be able to feel something, your body has to feel in unison. It has to feel synchronized, and that's a way to do it. So you pull in things you're grateful. So I get Alexis to do this, and I say, okay, think of a moment you're really proud of. I want you to reach out with your left hand, and I want you to pull that into your chest. Think of a moment you're really proud of. Think of another moment you're proud of. Pull that one in as well. Okay. Keep your wrist on your heart. I'd like you to think of someone in your life that really makes you smile. Pull them in. Really feel it. And now I'd like you to pull in someone that is always supportive, always caring, always considerate. Pull them in. I would like you to think of some places that you've traveled to that you've had the privilege to see and visit. Pull those in. I'd like you to pull in a Quality about yourself that you do like, that you really respect, you think is really good, that you really appreciate, pull that in. And pull in another quality that you really appreciate about yourself as well. Now, I want you to think of a playful moment, any age, a playful moment from your life. Pull that in something that you really enjoyed, really loved, really cared about, and then pull in another one. So with Alexis, I'm going through all these different categories. There are more categories I go through, but I get her in a, firstly, a physiological state where she feels more synchronized, more harmonious, bit more relaxed. And then I get to pull in things that actually have emotion attached to them, right? So places they've been to certain people, qualities that she likes about herself and so on and so forth, things that would actually have some emotional resonance and to actually, physically, with one hand, pull those things in or imitate pulling those things in. And what we do is we start stacking it, right? Because it can be hard to be grateful just on one thought, right? But if we got our body in a relaxed state where it feels synchronized, and then we pull in a moment and another one and another thing and another moment and another thing and another moment and another thing, and we keep stacking and stacking and stacking and stacking till it feels like this wave crashing and washing over you, completely refreshing you. That is how you can really start to feel grateful for things in life. I do it every single day at 2 o', clock, so if, wherever you are at 2 o', clock, 2 o' clock UK time, if you want to do the same exercise, you'll know I'll be doing it with you. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life and I'll speak to you again soon.