Ep 188: Tobias Needs Closure

So Tobias asks me, david, I have no idea why they left me. Why did they leave me? I've been replaying this in my head over and over and over again, and I'm never going to get the answers that I want. So how can I learn from this experience? Hello, and welcome to the Self Belief Chief Podcast. You're here with David Holman. If you haven't done so already, make sure to subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening, so you can keep up to date with the latest episodes, latest information, latest research, latest conversations. We are putting out content all of the time, so feel free to subscribe. And let's begin. So Tobias is talking about this relationship that's ended, and he can't understand why it's ended. Why did it end? So we do a really simple exercise. It's an exercise that I like, that doesn't fix and solve everything, but really helps. And I know it helps not only because I've used it with hundreds and hundreds of people, but someone did this with me when I was struggling with heartbreak. And it just opened my eyes and made me rethink relationships in a very different way. And it's such a trivially simple exercise. And as I said, it's not going to fix and solve and make everyone feel better, but it just allows you to understand what's actually happened and what the patterns have been. I asked Tobias, what are the four things you value most in a relationship? So he thinks about it for a while. He goes, okay, I think it's communication, spontaneity, intimacy, and trust. So there's communication, spontaneity, intimacy, trust. I said, okay. I said, now I would like you to score how well this other person met each of those four values in, let's say, the last three months of the relationship. In the last three months, if not six, last part of the relationship, how well did they meet each of those four values for you out of 10? So he thinks about it and he goes, okay, so maybe for the first one an 8, the second one a 9, the third one a 7, and the fourth one maybe a 4. I said, okay. So he had trusted at a 4. He goes, yeah. I said, okay. I said, now I would like to ask you a question. If I asked them, what four things do they value most in a relationship? What would they tell me? So not what do we think? What would they tell me are the four things they value most in a relationship? What do you think they would say? Tobias thinks about it. I can see him looking up. So he's trying to visualize what they might be. He goes, okay. He said, david, I think it's honesty. I think it's adventure. I think it's positivity. And he said, I think the fourth one is probably. If I had to choose between a few, maybe it's loyalty. I said, okay. I said, now I'd like you to score how well you think you met each of those four values in the last part of the relationship out of 10, what do you think? Sorry, let me rephrase the question for you, Tobias. Not what do you think? What would they say? Not what do we think would they say? What would they tell me wrongly or rightly? He goes, okay. What they would probably say is maybe a seven. They'd probably say a three, a five, and a six. I said, okay, so can you see that if they're not at eights, nines and tens, that there's something that could have been done better? He goes, yeah. I said, let's take, for example, one that you said was a four for you, and the one that you think they would say was a three. I said, what probably happened was one of you was lacking or wasn't getting that value met at a high level. And once that happens, you've got three decisions you can make. You can either pull away, move in closer, and become more needy, or you can hold firm and just be still and just try and be consistent and meet their values. And once that happens, you and Tobias is looking at me, goes, I think I probably pulled away. I said, okay, so you pulled away. And part of that pulling away is also probably no longer meeting that value that they had. So to simplify even more, so it's, you do A, they do B, you do A, they do B. And that's the nice, consistent rhythm you had one day. Let's say one of you didn't do A, and the other person goes, huh? They didn't do A. Maybe I'm not going to do B. Maybe I pull B away. And that person goes, oh, my God, they've not done B. So I'm going to not do A again. I'm going to do C. And then it starts to change, and you both start pulling away and pulling away and pulling away. Now, that's just in their case, right? For someone else or someone listening right now, it might be that you became too needy to the other person and sort of becoming a bit claustrophobic for them and everything else, and it's not meeting their values. The key part is if you don't know what the other person values most in a relationship, the default is you'll give them what you value and you'll think you're doing everything right because you're giving what you would value. So you think you're doing the absolute maximum you can do. You couldn't do any more. And it might be the most that you can do in terms of meeting those values, but they're not the values that the other person wants. So for them, it feels like you're completely missing the target. You don't understand them, and people don't appreciate what you understand. They appreciate feeling understood. So a key thing you can do in any relation going forward is ask them. Not, you know, not on the first date with a pen and paper, but after a couple of months, just ask them, what are the four things that you really value in a relationship? Write them down, remember them, and then write them down somewhere. And if you can hit those sevens, eights, nines, tens, consistently, you'll do a much better job at hitting the target. And actually, it might be a hell of a lot less effort for you than doing way too much of what you value is just meet what they value. A nice, simple, easy way that you can do consistently to make them happy doesn't fix and solve everything, but it certainly makes a big difference. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life. If you want to learn more, visit the Self Belief Chief website and I'll speak to you again soon.