Ep 310: How To Handle Rejection

Terrified of being rejected, said Clive. I really just can't handle it anymore. It's too disappointing, it's too painful. I just don't want to put myself out there anymore. Welcome to the Self Belief Chief podcast. You're here with David Holman. Make sure to subscribe to catch up with the latest episodes. We're releasing content all the time to make sure that we can give you the best coaching, we can give you the best insights, the new science, the new research, and really help you on your way. So let's begin. So Clive's talking about being rejected and always feeling like he's being rejected. And he says, I really just can't deal with this anymore. I can't do it. I can't keep putting myself out there and then essentially not being good enough. It's just too uncomfortable. But I want more from life. I want to. I want to meet someone, I want to find someone. I want to experience love. I want to experience acceptance and joy. The last time I got rejected was so painful. It was just in a public place and we've been together for a little while and just was really blunt and cold about it, this other person, and it just made me feel worthless. But I need to find a way beyond this because otherwise I'm never really going to have what I want in life. So when I work with people and help them deal with the fear of rejection, there's five steps I take them through, right? So, but to keep it nice and simple, I'm just going to take you through one important ingredient in one of those steps that I think would make a big difference, but I thought would make a big difference to Clive as well. I asked Clive, what do you think rejection means? Clive thinks about it for a while and then he does a big exhale and he goes, well, rejection means I'm not good enough. It means I'm not attractive enough. I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough. It means that other people are better than me. It means it's useless, it's hopeless. It means that I don't have the qualities that women want. It means I'm going to end up alone and be alone forever. I said, right. I said, well, if I thought that's what rejection meant, I'd be terrified as well. I didn't know that's what it meant. Clive, should we look it up? He said, what do you mean? I said, well, let's look it up in dictionary. You've just told me what you know. A definition of rejection. I didn't know that's what it meant, but should we look it up? Unsurprisingly, that's not the definition of rejection at all. Actually, the definition of rejection is a lot simpler and less dramatic and less intense. But we come up with this meaning for rejection because it is painful, it is uncomfortable, it's horrendous, it's one of the hardest things to really deal with in terms of what someone else can do to us. But that meaning is a choice because we can't necessarily control the events in life, but we can control what they mean. He has a meaning for rejection that isn't in the dictionary. It's just one. He's chosen one he's decided just because it feels uncomfortable. In many ways, we choose these really difficult, bad definitions for things sometimes so we can avoid things sometimes so that we don't. We have a reason not to put ourselves out there. Like, oh, well, actually, the consequences are so awful, so bad that actually, yeah, I shouldn't need to put in any more effort. It's not worth it. Sometimes we do it just because it allows us to remove ourselves of taking action or remove ourselves of responsibility sometimes. Talking about always being rejected can get people's attention, sympathy and connection and support. There are side benefits to always feeling like you've been rejected. You get connection with yourself. You can feel, oh, woe is me. So we don't want to be rejected, but actually get some side benefits from it sometimes. I said so, Clive, how about we come up with a different definition, right? And maybe what I'm about to say is also a lie, but what you said is a lie because it's not the definition, it's not the meaning of rejection. So let's create another if we want to call it lie. What if rejection meant redirection? What if rejection meant life is actually looking out for you and there's something better down the road? You might not be able to see it yet, but it's helping you towards something better. What if rejection meant actually this person would really, over the long term, make your life miserable and take you massively off course and all the stuff you wanted to achieve in your life, you wouldn't be able to. I've been rejected and I know how horrendous it is. I can think of times where I couldn't get out of bed for three days. I've been there. So I'm not trying to be idealistic, but I'm not saying that we can get to a point where rejection isn't painful, but we can get to a point where it's less intense. And part of that, not the only thing because I use a five step model, but part of it is by changing what rejection means to something more empowering. It doesn't mean you have to be happy that what's happened's happened, but something that's empowering. Empowering meaning of how it's going to serve you in the future if you have that. The compounding benefit is when you get rejected, it won't be quite as intense, which will allow you to keep taking action, keep trying, keep looking. And give you, of course, by doing all of that, it gives you a better opportunity of finding what you're really looking for in life. And isn't that much better than just telling ourselves we're worthless, hopeless, useless? That's what rejection means. Clive certainly thought it was a better definition and for Clive it allowed him to take more action. And Clive kept taking action and it was uncomfortable when he got rejected, but he kept trying and he kept trying and we came up with a strategy to help him locate his more ideal partner or, you know, have a strategy in terms of how to attract a more ideal partner. And because he kept knocking on that door, he found someone. It's possible. But if rejection, the definition you have for it, is way too intense and too dramatic and that's going to prevent you from taking the necessary action, it will still be uncomfortable, still be painful. But it doesn't mean rejection isn't the thing that leads us to what we really, really want and desire and the best possible possible thing that life has to offer for us. My name is David Holman. If you change today, the day will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life. If you want to know more about this, you can visit the Self Belief Chief website. We'll put a link in the description to be able to schedule time with me. Enjoy the rest of your day and I'll speak to you very, very soon.