Feel Like No One Cares? | Ep 109

People seem to forget if you change today, today will change your life. For a limited time only. For those of you enjoying the podcast, I'm offering a free coaching session. That's right, a free coaching session for those of you who want to improve in their performance or their business or their relationships or any other area where confidence is a key ingredient. Then on the Self Belief Chief site, on the podcast page, self belief.com podcast underneath the episodes, you'll be able to book your own coaching session for free with me or wherever you're listening to the podcast. In the description. There'll also be a link to be able to book your session. I look forward to speaking to you soon. And let's get on with the podcast. I wanted to talk today about a common theme people mention when they're struggling and it's the feeling that no one cares. And it's when you're in that phase of life where you feel like no one cares. It's tough, it's difficult, it's a struggle, it's not easy. And I wanted to talk and maybe provide some practical things we can do when we feel like we're in that place where it can feel a bit hopeless, where it can feel like a struggle, where it can feel like things aren't ever going to get better. No one's ever really going to care again. I remember being younger, maybe about 14, 15. I was going through a difficult phase at school where I was getting physically and verbally abused. Some of that had a racial component as well. It was a very difficult phase, and it felt like there was only one or two people that maybe I could trust and rely on. But on one particular day I was in a class and I was getting sort of bullied or abused by these people. These one or two people I thought I could rely on started to join in as well. I can't tell you how alone I felt, how isolated I felt. And it led me to having an anxiety attack, one of two that I never had. Genuinely feel like, you know, if you've ever had an anxiety attack, you feel like you can't breathe. You feel like you can't move. You feel crippled in that moment. It's scary, it's tough. It was all brought on because I just felt like no one was really there to care or support or to confide in or to help or just to be a part of my life. And didn't Help was in that evening I'm supposed to have a school dance or a prom. And so I had a huge social anxiety at the time, just generally. But that sort of having that on the horizon didn't help. The anxiety attack at school got so bad that my. My mum had to come pick me up. I tried to explain to her why, but it sometimes is difficult to explain to people how you really feel. Anyway, my sister said, why do you, why don't you go to that school dance? Why don't you, why don't you go to that prom? And I said, I really, I can't. I just can't do it. It's gonna be too scared, I'm too nervous, I'm too anxious. What, you know, who am I going to talk to? What am I going to do there? She said, okay. She said, you have to go. Why don't we, why don't you get ready and see how you feel once you get ready? So I got myself ready and my sister even picked out some clothes for me to wear. And we even got in the car to go to the school dance. My sister drove me there. We parked in a car park nearby and I saw people going into the venue. And I said to my sister, I can't go. I can't go in. I can't do this. She said, I'm not gonna make you do it. But why? Why can't you go? I said, because no one cares. No one cares. There's no one for me to talk to. There's no one to have a good time with. No one cares. I remember we turned around and we went home. I said to my parents, I'm gonna need a few days off school. There's just something not right with me at the moment. I even went to the doctors to speak to them and they suggested some things. It was almost the most difficult part of the whole thing was when I eventually went back to school. No one noticed I was off. No one noticed that I hadn't been at the dance. I don't want, you know, it's not about making a song and dance or anything like that, but just no one mentioned it. No one asked if I'm alright or how I'm doing or anything. And that was difficult. And the thing is, when we go through that sort of phase, what we're usually reliant on in life is willpower. But what happens when we go through a difficult phase and that willpower doesn't exist anymore? The desire, the motivation, that's not there anymore in life, it's always about two willpower and standards. So one thing I might suggest for people listening is what are you going to do? When the willpower isn't there for most people, that's just a place where they kind of just do nothing and give up. So we need to have something else in place for when that willpower isn't there. And that's where standards come in. When we feel down, it's when things feel like they're missing in life and when it feels like no one cares, that's something that's missing people who care. And we're focusing on a big picture that we want and feeling so far away from it and feeling like we have no control to make it happen. If we stare at the big picture all the time, it will make us feel sad or down because we can't have the big picture all of the time. So we need a daily picture. We need daily standards. It's in those standards, daily that's going to define the quality of our life. Not our willpower. Willpower will get us so far, but our standards. So I explain it with what I do. So one of the things I have in terms of standards is just two simple, you know, And I suggest just picking one or two things, really simple things to create a game you can win. It's really finding standards, things that would make this day a better day, that would improve the quality of the day for me. There are two things. One is to meditate. So to be able to disconnect from the world and give myself some space. And I just do it for a very short period, same time every day, just disconnect from everything, just to give myself my own space, just to relax and just to be calm for a moment. And the other thing is to smile more. How nice is it when someone smiles at you? So I realized that I wanted to do that more for other people. So one of those things is for me, and one of those things is for everything else. But they're so simple. It doesn't require willpower to do those things. It's just my standard. That's the standard I set for myself. And so having set those, those standards, when the willpower isn't there, the quality of my day is still going to be up, because they are my standards. Doesn't require willpower. Having said all of that, we go through different phases and new phases in life, new tough experiences where we might need a different set of standards to get us through it. When I was older, I went to do some of you may have even heard this story before, but went to do a talk at my old school, the school where I'd been sort of bullied or abused. And, you know, it was a strange experience. It's one of the first talks I'd ever done, actually. And I went there and there was a kid who was heckling me through the whole thing. I was not even a stand up comedian. He was heckling me throughout the whole thing. And I tried to have a bit of back and forth with him, but otherwise just tried to carry on through it. But I got to the end of the talk and everyone was just leaving. I just thought, no one cares. No one really cared that I just gave this talk. No one was really listening. No one cares. And everyone left except one person, the boy who was heckling me. I thought, oh God. I could see he was looking around, waiting to make sure that everyone had left. And when they all left, he started walking to the front. I thought, oh, God, what's he going to say? And he said, david, I've been labeled with depression, anxiety, this, that and the other, by doctors, by medical professionals. They've. I've been labeled my whole life by other people. And he said, yeah, I've got to do certain things to be able to manage those things. But what you've reminded me today is I label myself. It doesn't matter how everyone else labels me, I label myself. And I just want to say thank you. And he left. What that experience taught me was that even when it looks like no one cares, people do. And people do. When you give unconditionally, that is you give and not expecting things in return. The fact that he mentioned that, I realized from that point forward, I'm never gonna need someone to tell me if it's made a difference, that if I just keep giving unconditionally like I'm doing today in terms of doing this podcast, I know that it's providing and it's helping and it's supporting and it's moving people forward, I don't need to be told that's the case. I know for some people it hasn't just isn't something they hear in their head, but something they feel in their heart. And that's good enough. I know that people care. People are listening. And I know that I've got people in my life who care and who are listening, but I don't need to be told constantly whether that's the case. So we have to set standards. We have to set standards. But know that if you can give unconditional, unconditionally and provide value for people without expecting anything in return, people really do sit up and take notice. And you keep Doing that and keep doing that. Then eventually people in life who will do some amazing things in return. Amazing things in return. And you'll say, where's that come from? The person will say, well, you. You don't realize how much of a difference you've been making or helping. You've not asked for anything in return. That's a big thing for people. When we want something like people to care, I. E. Maybe we want more love. One of the things I say to people when they want more love. Receiving love isn't the only way to experience it. Giving, it allows us to feel love, to give more love to other people. So you can feel that sensation and feel the caring and feel the sort of bond between people, between a community, between a group of people. Reach out to people, call them, message them, give it. Give that care and give that love. Because as much as it makes a difference to you to fight, to have people show you that they care, be that gift for other people. Be that thing in return. Let that be a standard. Let that be something that doesn't require willpower. Do I feel like doing it today? No. Set that as the standard. You will do that for people. I know it's tough when it feels like that phase of no. 1 caring goes on and on and on and on. And there are points where I would admittedly say, being younger, that I thought, this isn't going to end, this is going to carry on. But it doesn't. It doesn't. If you change your standards. It's why I came up with a phrase, if you change today, today will change your life. That's the philosophy for my whole business. Because change is scary. Change is difficult. But we need to be reminded that change creates change. Change provides something different. It changes the quality of our life, good or bad, depending on how we change it. Change is necessary because if we don't create those changes, if we don't set those standards, sometimes when we don't move, life will move for you and make you change. And that's uncomfortable. And sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes life pushes you in a way that makes you change for the better. But it is much better and much easier, I can say, when we do that ourselves by setting our own standards. Whether it's setting standards in a relationship or your business or your work or your performance, or just simple things about how to improve your day. Set standards and keep them. As I said, keep them really simple. Keep them so that it's a game we can win. So whatever they might be, and I suggest that you don't just sort of pluck them out of thin air as you look back in your life when you've been doing well and see the sorts of things that you were doing. What's the common denominator? What's the thing that has worked for you in the past? People are always scratching around for the new, the new, the new, the new, the new. When in reality, we just did the things that have worked previously more consistently that can provide just as much success, if not more so. I just wanted to say about setting standards, but I also want to say to you maybe just more openly, if you feel like no one cares at the moment, it's not true. I do. I care that you're listening. I care that you've joined me today. To listen to this means a lot, and I hope it means a lot to you in terms of me hopefully providing some value for you. But I care. But beyond me. That phase doesn't last forever. It doesn't. When we set standards and give unconditionally. You have so many people that care for you that they might not know that you feel the way that you feel right now. But I can promise you that there are other people who might be feeling that similar feeling right now. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own head and help someone instead. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you on the next episode.