How To Build Rapport With Anyone | Ep 75 | David Hulman

People seem to forget if you change today, today will Change your life. 3, 2, 1. And we are live. Welcome to the next episode of the Self Belief Chief podcast. You're here with life and performance coach David Holman, and on this week's episode, I wanted to talk a bit about something which is very common across many, many different fields that I help people in. Whether it's in relationships or sales or business or whatever it is, there's such a desire for us to build rapport, to build connection with people. Being able to build rapport and connection and, you know, have conversation. Deep, meaningful conversation allows you to grow your business, allows you to meet the love of your life, allows you to grow your social circle. There's so many benefits to be able to build rapport, and yet there are so many people that come my way, asking actually, how do they build those connections? How do they build those bonds? Especially in a world now where we're all behind our phones, we're all behind a computer, actually. Opening dialogue, opening conversation, natural conversations, something we were born to do, has become so difficult, so complicated. And I think there's a very simple reason why it's become complicated. You see, I always believe we are what we consume, and what we consume is things that entertain us. Now, whether it's politics or watching politics on tv, whether it's reality tv, whether it's sport, whether it's. Whatever it might be that you watch or listen to, whatever you consume, it actually teaches you very, very poor techniques, strategies for building rapport that we don't even realize. You see, if you watch a political debate, it's people cutting over the top of each other. It's interruption. It's, you know, it's. It's controversy, it's conflict in order to get over the top of each other. And sometimes that sort of thing is necessary in conversation. When you watch reality tv, it's exactly the same thing. It's conflict, it's interrupting, it's cutting people off, cutting people short. You know, in many different areas in which places you watch or listen to whatever form of entertainment or however you are entertained, it actually teaches us very, very little about how to build rapport. Because, see, when it comes to rapport, the number one key ingredient is this, to listen. The art of listening has been dying to death for a long time because we're just talked at rather than learning how to talk with. When you watch all of these things, the political debates, the, you know, debate shows, the reality tv, whatever it might be, it's always. Conversation is a form of conflict, and it creates entertainment. But entertainment or being entertained is not the same as rapport. And yet our mind, I think, digests it as if, because we're seeing it as being entertained, a positive thing, then that's how we should have conversation. But it actually leads to very, very poor rapport building. And that's something that gets people in trouble. The difference is the ability and the capacity to listen, to digest information and to respond. And I want you to think about actually, how much listening do you do? I want to think about certain people in your life. Are you really listening to them? If you speak within a second or two after someone's finished, you know, saying what they're going to say, you haven't really been listening because basically what you've been doing is thinking of something to say before they finished. That's not listening. That's not processing information. That's not digesting really what they're saying. When you're on your phone while someone's talking, that's not listening. When you're on your phone at the beginning of a meeting, you're not really listening. You're not really engaged. Are you really listening? One of the things that really, you know, the reason why people like to jump in, and the reason why people like to jump in before someone's finished or just as someone's finished is for whatever reason, we're fearful, we're scared of silence, of awkward silence, of space, of a gap. That would be something that we both feel in a conversation that actually, if there's silence, does that mean we have nothing to talk about? Does that mean that we don't have rapport? That's how we see it. And yet that's. That's just not the truth. It isn't. People love people who understand them. Someone not just to understand, but willing to go the extra length, the extra mile to really take on board everything that they're saying and respond accordingly. And what happens is you can really set yourself apart from the field if you actually just give yourself time to listen. You leave a space when they're finished to then think about what to say in return and see how that works for you. I think you'll be amazed. It's a really, really effective tool, and it's how conversations should naturally be to prove a point. In sales, when I was going through a period of really struggling to make sales, I was doing too much talking. So one day I just made the decision. I'm just going to really lean back, I'm going to sit back and listen as much as possible. I had one conversation where I didn't speak for 43 minutes. But by the end of the conversation the person was totally in. And I was shocked. Us, I said, well, you've really, really helped me. And I was thinking, I haven't said a word. But I was willing to be patient, I was willing to listen, I was willing to try and understand. And all of a sudden people would pay me for my services. That's the power of really listening. And so I want to, I want you to think about the people in your life right now. Do they feel heard? If you're being truthful to yourself, are you really listening? There are people, some people you're probably listening to very carefully. Maybe there are some others in your life where you're not really paying attention at the moment, you're not really listening. I want you to have a think about that and I want you to think about how you can listen better. I always find it useful to ask questions, you know, just allow the person to open up and carry on what they're talking about. Some people talk and then they feel like, oh, actually, maybe I need to stop now. If you invite them at that point to tell them more about that, their eyes light up. Someone who's willing to let me talk and talk and talk about how I feel and everything else, it allows them to relax into it. You know, say, you know, tell me more. What else? Oh, that's really interesting. So does that also mean this? Invite them to say more about what they're talking about? Because that shows that you've been listening. It shows that you have an interest in what they're saying and you think that they are interesting. Allow them to be who they are. And the way to do that is to listen. And that's how you build rapport. Don't try and fill the space by impressing or pressing upon them, or fill the space by, you know, just talking for talking sake, or fill the space because you're nervous or shy. Allow there to be silence. Allow there to be a rest period. Allow a moment to actually think of what is the next thing to say. Not actually, I thought of a really clever thing to say whilst they were talking and I'll say that when they're done. So that's not proper conversation. Don't ever get caught up or wrapped up in trying to impress someone by thinking what you have to say is really valuable. You should always ditch that for what is actually needed in that moment, in return or in reply. That's always way more important. So whether it's in sales, whether it's in relationships, whether it's in business, whatever it might be, I want you to consider, I want you to think how can you make the other person feel heard? How can you make them feel understood? And what else can you do to build that really strong, genuine rapport? Because when you listen, you really can tap into your authentic self, your more genuine self. And when you tap into that version of you, people sit up and take notice. When people sit up and take notice, they want to be around, they want to be involved, they want to be a part of your life. And that's all any of us are really looking for. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today you will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life wherever you are, and I'll speak to you on the next episode.