The Happiness Paradox | Ep 118

People seem to forget if you change today, today will change your life. For a limited time only. For those of you enjoying the podcast, I'm offering a free coaching session. That's right, a free coaching session for those of you who want to improve in their performance or their business or their relationships or any other area where confidence is a key ingredient. Then on the Self Belief Chief site, on the podcast page, self belief.com podcast underneath the episodes, you'll be able to book your own coaching session for free with me or wherever you're listening to the podcast. In the description, there'll also be a link to be able to book your session. I look forward to speaking to you soon. And let's get on with the podcast. Do you know why you're not as happy as you could be? I speak to a lot of people and people talk about something is missing. They don't feel quite right, or they're having an out of body experience, or there's a void, or they don't feel as happy as they could be, or there's just something that isn't right. You might even be experiencing that yourself right now. And I'm going to show you something today, which I guarantee I don't care where you are in your life right now, going to show you how you can upgrade your level of happiness. Because I've come to discover something that makes such a big difference, makes such a huge difference that just shows the paradox that people are trapped in that prevents them from being as happy as they could be. So hopefully that sounds intriguing to you, but to go back to that point, we don't feel quite right. There's something strange. Your happiness is gone. And yes, they can be caused by certain events, but really where pain comes from is where we're not aligned with our identity, when we're not aligned with our identity, when we don't feel like we're meeting our own standards of who we are. And the thing is that if I asked you who are you? You probably hesitate for a long while. Now, just because consciously you might not be aware, it doesn't mean that subconsciously you haven't already decided who you are. And that's what I want to look into. Because if we don't know who we are, the back of our mind will just decide for us. And then we'll judge everything based on some ideas or thoughts or metrics which we didn't even realize we had. So that's what we're going to look at. I really suggest that if you want to make a Big difference to the quality of your life right now that you grab a pen and paper, Grab a pen and paper to go through the very, very simple exercise we're about to go through, as I said, really upgrade your level of happiness. I don't care if you're already doing well. I don't care if you're really struggling. This will absolutely take you to a different place. But I know this for a certainty, because all we're going to do is align you to what will make you happy. I hear people go, I want to be happier. And I say, okay, what has to happen for you to be happy? Nothing. Don't know. Longest pause ever. If I asked you right now, you might feel the same. There's no judgment because that's where most people are. That's where I've been for a large part of my life as well. So. But getting this understanding and this realization is going to make a huge difference. And I want to get straight into it now. So if you've got your pen and paper and pause this recording, if you need to get that pen and paper, but if you've paused it or if you manage to get that pen and paper, sit down in front of you. And all I want you to do is write down the following. I want you to put one column. Just put at the top of that column, values. Values. Okay, What I'd like you to do in that column is we're going to write down what your values are. What do you value? Because our identity. When you ever get asked the question of who are you, who you are, is your values important to remember? Your identity is what your values are. Okay, so what I'd like you to do is write down your values. Now you might be thinking, okay, well, what are values? Well, values can be anything, really. But values can be certainty. Values can be love, values can be contribution. Values can be passion. Values can be being cheerful. Values can be being important, feeling special, feeling needed. A value could be something like anything, really. To be number one at something to be special. As I said, whatever your values are, write down a list of 10. Write down a list of 10. Whatever those values might be, they can be absolutely anything. And then what I want you to do is once you've written those values, so again, you can pause this recording and then, you know, make sure you've written those down and then come back to me. And I really suggest you do this exercise because it will make a huge, huge difference and you'll understand why in a few minutes is. I'd like you to order them, whatever's number one. So, for example, if you've got passion on your list and you think that's number one, put it at the top of the list. You know, once you've written them all down, put them in order. Write them in order as well so you can see them clearly, whatever order they may be. Write them in order. Okay. So again, you can take your time with this. You can even pause this recording. Give yourself a moment. So if you've now paused this recording, I want you to look at the list in the order you have them in. And I want you to ask yourself a very simple question. What order do those values have to be in for you to be as happy as you could be, to upgrade your level of happiness? What order do they need to be in? I'll give you example. With me, I used to have passion at the top of my list, is why passion came to mind. Passion was top my list. I loved being enthusiastic, passionate, energized about something. And that's a good thing. Of course it's a good thing. But the problem was that I had passion at the top of that list. And so if I wasn't in a passionate state, which I can't be all the time, what happens now? Here's the real problem that I face and that you will be facing. So before you even put those in order, those values or whatever order you've got those 10 values in, you've put them in order. Now you've got them in a particular order. Before you think of reordering them or anything else, I just want to prove why you're stuck. So you have 10 values. You have them in the order that you've recently had them or currently have them, whatever order they may be. Now I want you to look at those values, especially let's say the top three, whatever your top three might be, if they're feeling special, feeling important, you know, being important, being, I don't know, whatever is, it might be contribution, it might be love, it might be family, it might be time, whatever it might be, whatever's on that list. You take the top three and then write down. So let's take, let's say your top one, for example, was passion. Write down what has to happen for you to experience passion. So I'll give my example. So passion was at the top of my list at that point. Passion was top my list. I thought about it. What has to happen for me to feel passionate? These are called rules. So what are your rules to meet your values? So let's take passion. Then I had to work out, well, what has been my rule for feeling passionate. And here's what my rule was. When I receive a new opportunity that allows me to upgrade my life, when I receive an opportunity that allows me to upgrade my life, that was it. That was my rule. Now, if that's my rule for being passionate, here's the problem. When I receive an opportunity, well, I'm not in control of that. When I receive an opportunity, maybe I can influence it, but I'm not really in control of it. When I receive an opportunity and it has to upgrade my life. How often does an opportunity upgrade your life? That's the paradox. My top value was passion, and I had a terrible rule to achieve it. And that is why I would have these dips or these lows or phases or periods of my life where I just didn't feel quite on it. But give me, you know, give me an opportunity of passion, energized, feel excited about everything. And here's the thing. When I looked at my list of top 10 values and I thought, for me to be happier, what order do those 10 values need to be in? When I reordered them, passion wasn't at the top. So here's the real, real, real paradox. And this, I promise you, is what every human, pretty much every human being on earth is doing. I had a list of values in an order that didn't make me as happy as I could be with rules, which made it difficult to achieve values I wasn't even that bothered about. So you're every, every day trying to live up to certain rules and metrics to achieve things that aren't even really the things that make me that happy. Now that's me. I promise you, you'll have the same if you take the top three values that you have on your kind of current or previous list, you look at your rules for achieving them. You'll quickly find that your rules are based on things that you can't control, based on things that could even be impossible. And a lot of your rules will be, this has to happen, and this has to happen. It means your rules are unbelievably difficult to make to lead to your success and your happiness. That's why that's what's going on. And that's the paradox. That's the happiness paradox. Your target at the moment in the back of your mind of values that aren't even the most important to you. And then you've got rules that make it unbelievably difficult to achieve those values. So what is the surprise? That you're not as happy as you could be? Of course. And then God is as simple as that. It really is. How on earth, if you know, can we live up to our own identity when we've got the values in the wrong order and we've got impossible ways to actually achieve those values consistently? Now, here's the other thing. So put that to one side. Now let's look at the value. The things you don't value, you might have on there. Things like anger, frustration, being impatient, many other things you could have on that list. And I want you to look at those values and you can put those in order again. So let's say you had frustration at the top and look at what your rule is for frustration. And I pretty much guarantee you it'll be a rule as simple as this. When someone doesn't do something that I would like them to do, it'll be as easy as that. Now, if your rule for frustration is it's as simple as something like when someone doesn't do something in the way I'd like them to do it, how many times a day, a week, a month, a year, is that gonna happen? That's gonna happen all of the time. So you're gonna be constantly finding a way to get frustrated all of the time. So here's the thing. We create unbelievably simple straight roads to feeling like shit and really difficult rules for feeling happy. And I'm going to talk you through how to unravel all of that stuff in a second. But you might be asking, well, why do we do that? Why does my brain do that? Perhaps it does it to protect you from pain. And actually, if you really went after what you wanted, would you be disappointed? Because what's happened before is you might have had values in an order that really served you, but you didn't achieve them. And you didn't achieve those values because your rules were too difficult. But instead of saying our rules are too difficult, we go, oh, they're not the right. The values are wrong. And I'm going to go for other stuff. And we change them over time to live a smaller, more, you know, a safe or structured or certain life, but one that might lead us to kind of, you know, more financial success or more this or more this, but doesn't actually make us happier. So here's what I'd like you to do. Step one, to unravel the happiness paradox, step one, write down your values and their current order. Step two, reorder them in the way you need to reorder them to upgrade your level of happiness. I promise you, you can make some very subtle changes. Just change the order, change the priorities. You might even take one out and put a new one in. So for me, for example, passion was top of my list. And I realized actually two things that would go above that were being smiley and cheerful was number one. That's how I wanted to feel and that's why I wanted to present to everyone else. So being smiling and cheerful was number one. And then number two was my health. If I didn't have my health, I didn't have the energy, and I don't have the energy to be passionate or anything else. Then passion was number three. Love became number four. Contribution was number five. Now, it doesn't mean in the future I might not need to reorder that slightly just to help me with that phase of life. But that's the order for this current phase of life. Feeling smiley and cheerful, health, passion, love, contribution. And so it gave me an order that went actually that that's really what would make me happier if they were in that order. And now what I did was create step three better rules. So step one, what's your current list and what's that order? Step two, reorder them to upgrade your level of happiness. And step three, write down better rules for achieving them. So here's how you can write down better rules. So if, for example, you had cheerful top of that list, people's old rule might be something like anytime someone says something, anyone, anyone gives me good feedback, anytime anyone praises me and compliments me and makes me feel good about myself. Notice I said and, and, and, and, and, and they're all things I can't control. Things that might not have happened that often necessarily, you know, so it's a, it's a lousy rule. So here's how you write a good rule. You put any time I and then fill in the blank. And I want you to have loads and loads of rules. So let's take being cheerful, for example. So I could put on there anytime I feel joy, anytime I cook, could be anytime I reach out to someone, anytime I learn. So maybe my learning allows me to contribute more to other people and that maybe that makes me feel cheerful. So anytime I give to other people, anytime I exercise, because I exercise it, you know, as that sort of hormone balance or sort of chemical balance in the body, biological balance changes, shifts, releases various hormones. It does make me feel more cheerful. And I want to recognize the Fact that that's a rule for being that I feel more cheerful and I could go on and on and I could write down 10 really simple rules. Now the key, of course you can't just write down a random rule. You have to write down a rule that actually would allow you to make progress. Do those things make me personally feel more cheerful? Yes. Does that help the overall effect of being more smiling cheerful for me? Yes. So I keep doing them and everything up levels in my life and everything grows in my life, I feel better about myself. So it's not reducing expectations, it's not that at all. It's creating a game you can win where you can meet those rules, but rules that will actually allow me to progress in my life. If I have more energy and vitality in the body, will I be more cheerful? Yes. So of course things like exercise, water, they're things I should recognize as rules for making me more cheerful. And I should be able to pat myself on the back for doing that. So next one's health, okay, Health. Anytime I exercise, anytime I drink water, anytime I meditate, anytime I speak to people, you know, I could keep going and they're all things that will benefit my health. But I recognize them as really good things. And by meeting that sort of value of health, it makes me feel better about myself. Guess what that does? It makes me more feel more cheerful. And guess what that does? It makes me feel more passionate more often. So my rule for passion now is anytime I feel grateful, anytime I exercise, it could be any time I have a business conversation with someone, anytime I have a coaching call, anytime I watch Liverpool play, I could go on and on. So I have really easy simple rules for me to achieve my real values because they're now in the right order. Not my old values, not the values when they're in the wrong order, my real values and I can achieve them. And when you align your true identity, that's when real happiness comes. And I want you to align that true identity. So I want you to pause this now and take the time. Step one, write down your values that they currently are in a certain order. Step two, write them in the order they need to be to upgrade your level of happiness. Then step three, write down better rules for your top three, four, five values. Anytime I put something down. So that's one side of the coin done. Now here's the other side of the coin that will take your life even further. In the same way that you had really difficult rules to meet your values, I now want you to create really difficult rules for the values you don't appreciate. So at the moment, if you've got frustration, it's something along the lines of anytime someone doesn't do what I want them to do, that's really simple rule that's easy to get, to get frustrated. So now create rules that make it more difficult for you to kind of align with those values and emotions you don't want. So a new rule for frustration could be, I avoid consistently expecting perfection from myself and others. So when someone doesn't do quite what you want them to do, it's, well, they're not, you know, no one's perfect. And, you know, why should they do it the way I think to do it? Because I'm not perfect either. So I don't. I avoid consistently expecting perfection for myself or others. It could have a different rule which says, I avoid consistently expecting people to think my way of doing things is right when it may well not be. It could be something, you know, could summarize that even better. You say, I avoid consistently desiring people to do things the way I want them to because maybe that actually harms you. Maybe you should be embracing other people's ways of doing things that will allow you more freedom and growth. So actually it might be a sucky rule that you used to have which actually makes your life smaller. Maybe we should embrace the fact that other people other thoughts and opinions, other ways of doing things. So I avoid consistently desiring to do things my way. Make it more difficult. And then you'll create so much distance with those values that you don't like, which I call moving away. Values create so much distance from those things that you rarely feel them. They have really simple rules for the values you do want. So I'm going to quickly summarize that again for you just so you feel good. The first part you're going to do is this. You're going to write down a column with values, and you're going to write what values you currently have and the order that they would be in at the moment. Step two, reorder those values in the order they need to be in for you to upgrade your level of happiness. Then step three, write down better rules for your top three to five values to say, anytime I. And just write down 10 rules for each of them so it's got so many ways to meet them. And then step four, for the values you don't want or the things that you don't want to be, write down new rules that make it difficult to experience those things. For example, if you say, let's take anger, you could say, I avoid consistently expecting others to do things the way I expect them to, whatever it does. So you just say, I avoid consistently expecting or I avoid consistently desiring or avoid consistently. Just start with that. And that's the paradox. That's you escaping the paradox. At different points in your life, you'll feel more or less aligned with your true self, your true identity. And it's from that place that everything flows and operates from. So it's something that's important to get right, and it's important exercise that, you know, five years down the road, you might need to make that readjustment or sooner or later. And it's okay because your values change in life. But I want you to be aligned with your true identity. Because if you're aligned with who you really are, then that's really what happiness is. My name is David Holman. If you change today, today will change your life. So enjoy the rest of your day, enjoy the rest of your life, and I'll speak to you on the next episode.