The Choices We Still Think About
In this solo episode of Motherhood Unedited Live, the host explores the complex role of regret in the lives of mothers and adults more broadly. She distinguishes between catastrophic regrets—life‑altering events that bring shame and grief—and quieter, background regrets that surface in everyday moments. Drawing on an article that surveyed 75,000 followers, she outlines six common regret “buckets”: (1) giving up a winning idea, (2) the grass‑is‑greener mindset, (3) missing money, (4) endless what‑if mental loops, (5) wasted time, and (6) failing to follow up. For each bucket she offers concrete examples, often tying them to motherhood (e.g., wondering if life would be easier without children) and to professional life. She interweaves personal anecdotes—a missed semester‑in‑Israel that redirected her education and led to meeting her husband, and her husband’s own regrets about a past law‑firm job—to illustrate how regrets can feel both personal and universal. The host argues that regret keeps people stuck by replaying past decisions with present knowledge, fostering shame, guilt, and indecision. She proposes a reframing approach: recognize that decisions were made with the information available at the time, treat regret as a signal rather than a verdict, and use tools like journaling, curiosity, and purposeful “follow‑through” to move forward. The episode closes with an invitation for listeners to reflect on which of the six themes resonate with them, to journal, and to return to the conversation in future sessions.
Chapters
All right, welcome to Motherhood Unedited Live. This is a space for about motherhood and the thoughts and feelings that we often do not say enough out loud. So you are welcome to listen quietly. You are also welcome to join in if and when that feels okay for you. And this week we are talking about regret, and I'm glad you are here for this conversation. And let's get into it. So First of all, I gotta talk about that there are the catastrophic regrets and then there are the quiet ones that kind of live in the background. So I do not want you to minimize at any point any regret that you have in your life, whether it's around motherhood, whether it's around professional stuff, whether it's around relationships. Like, whatever it is, your regrets are valid. There are those big ones that are life-altering, that like you made one choice, one catastrophic thing, and life was forever changed. Those, those have big meaning. I, I value those. Those, those are huge. They're— they oftentimes bring a lot of shame and grief, and they're oftentimes around a loss of some kind, whether it's a loss of a relationship, a loss of of a loved one, whether it's a loss of a job, finances, like whatever. Those are big moments, and there are things that we oftentimes wish would have turned out differently. So always important to recognize that those do exist. But a lot of the regrets that we have are actually a little bit more subtle and in the background. So those are the regrets and the thoughts that kind of quietly happen when you're driving, when you're in the shower, when it's late at night and you— your mind likes to wander. It's the, "I wonder what would have happened if," or, "If I had known what I know now, would I have made that decision?" Things like that. Basically, it's, "Life is okay, but what if it could have been better?" Or, "What if it could have been different?" Things like that. So they're easy to dismiss, but they do shape our life and the decisions that we make now, and they are very important all the same. So this whole piece is not about minimizing regret. It is not about which, which ones are, are bigger and better and more important to acknowledge. They are all important, and it is important to regret how it shows up and how it keeps us stuck as we move forward in life. And so really, this topic came from this article that I came across, and it was about this this author who asked 75,000 of his followers, what are the things that you regret? Mainly because he wanted to start the year out thinking if other people have regret, it makes people feel less alone. And now for this particular one, we're going to talk about different regrets and it doesn't necessarily have to be about motherhood, but I also want to tie in motherhood because, hey, we're on Motherhood Unedited, right? So there are regrets, there are things that are catastrophic and there are things that kind of are subtly in the background. And, and they have weight and they have importance. And so as we kind of go into this, I want you to think about two different things. I want you to think about how regret shows up in motherhood for you, and I also want to think about if there is another decision or another thing that has come up for you and keeps pestering you, maybe, or maybe it was more catastrophic and it was big and it changed the trajectory of your life. So these are things that I want you to keep in mind. So with this article, the, the author is a man, so not really talking about motherhood, but he kind of sums up a lot of people's different regrets that he happened to see as he was reading his followers' comments. So he kind of talked about his own regret. He talks about a regret in his own business and how if he shoulda, woulda, coulda done something different, and maybe his life would have been a little bit different. So remember, regret doesn't require a life-altering mistake. It just requires imagining that life could have been different or that there could have been an alternative, alternate outcome. So what struck me with this article as I was reading it was how much weight regret carries. It carries us into our future, it carries us into our, at our present, and we just keep thinking that things could have been better. And when nothing really bad necessarily happened, it kind of sticks with us because we think, like, maybe life could have been even better, things like that. So in this article, the author put different themes and different buckets of regrets. So he put them into 6 different themes. Right? I think that's 6. And so I'm going to kind of go into them now, and I want to, like, tie in motherhood in here as well, because sometimes those pop up too. So this one is more on a professional level, but it's giving up a winning idea. So the example is, like, walking away from something that might have worked out. Maybe you had this really big idea and you're like, but no one's really going to go for it. Or maybe people told you what a dumb idea it was, like, no one's going to buy it. And then like what, months later, years later, someone comes up with this winning idea and you're like, that could have been me. Like what the actual, you know what. So things like that, you always think about, I gave that up, that could have been my life. Oh my gosh, that person is making bajillion dollars now and that could have been me. And why did I let that go? So think about your own life. Have you ever left something before you were to see it through? Thinking that maybe this wasn't your best idea. So things like that, very important. So what about now the next thing, the grass is always greener. Now think about that. Like, this is one of like believing that another job, another relationship, another life path would have been easier or better or make you happier. Um, think about people maybe where you— this is one that does come up, and if it hits a little bit for you, recognize that right now. The idea of maybe if I didn't decide to have children. I know, right? Pause. That one kind of stings a little bit, right? Because sometimes, I don't know if anyone's ever had that thought. I know that I have, and I will admit it, of like, oh my gosh, I could have been able to just like jettison off to some faraway land whenever I wanted to, but now I have to think about my kids. Or, oh, my husband and I could have had like such a different relationship if children weren't in the picture. And it doesn't necessarily mean that that's what we want. It just means that like sometimes those pop up of like the grass is greener, the grass might be greener when you don't have kids, but is it? So do you ever compare your life now to a version that you imagine maybe could have been different based on a decision that you made or didn't make? Whatever. The next bucket is missing money. So looking back and thinking that a different decision would have made life a little bit more secure or comfortable. Kids falls into this as well. Think about how expensive they are. Now, if we didn't have kids, would we be able to have a little bit more financial security? It also comes in the line of maybe work stuff. If I had chosen a different career path, maybe if I had went to school for this, or maybe if I had taken this job, my financial situation would have been better and more secure. So just thinking about that bucket, that one's a big one that pops on a lot. So also the what-if stories, the mental loops that just never really resolve. What if I had stayed? What if I had gone? What if I had tried a little harder? What if I had not said that to my kid? What if I had, you know, gotten up with them in the middle of the night instead of having my husband do it? What if I had not left them with their, with their What would have happened? Like all the things that like, what if, what if, what if I had fed them this and then I found that they were allergic? Oh my God, what if I hadn't fed them that? All the things that pop up. And I want you to think about your own life. Is there a decision that you revisit over and over again and think in your head, what if, what if I had done something different? Now, wasted time. This one a lot of times pops up into relationships and jobs and things like that. But the idea of I stayed too long. That relationship that lasted 7 years and then you broke up— I wasted 7 years of my life. Wow, I could have met someone that I was going to marry and have kids with at that moment, and now I didn't. Or a job, or any other phase of life. Oh, I spent too much time thinking that I was not ready to have kids, and now, oh my gosh, now I'm 38 years old and I'm having my first kid and I feel old. You're not, by the way, but like, that's— those are the things like, oh my gosh, I regret that I wasted so much time thinking and being in my career, and now motherhood is hard for me, or motherhood is— it, it's, it's a lot more stressful. Things like that. So think about that. Do you ever look back and think, I wasted time? I could have been at a different stage in life at this point. I could have been with my friends who are having kids, and I was working. You know, there's things, and now all of a sudden my friends have kids that are 10 or 11 or 12, and I have a newborn, and now what? So things like that. Then the 'I never follow up.' This one is, is an interesting one, and this one hit me actually a little bit because it hits a little bit closer to home for me personally. And I'm going to get into some of the things that— how I feel about regret, what are some things that decisions and life changes that I've made that have impacted me as well. So think about this. This is the, I didn't send that email, I didn't reach out when I should have, I didn't ask the right questions, I didn't circle back, I didn't follow through. And this is a big one for me personally because I oftentimes I'm bad at following through. Not because necessarily that I don't want to, it's more of sometimes I go on autopilot with my life or life gets chaotic, but also there is that back of my head voice that says I'm not worthy. My— the thing that I want, or the thing that I'd be reaching you out for, it doesn't matter. I don't matter. Those are the internal dialogues, right? So think about it. You have this meeting with this person. They tell you what a great idea you have, how they'd love to work with you. Oh, I have a position for you. I have this going for you, this. And you think, they're just pulling my leg. They're just wanting to be nice. They don't actually want to do this. Or like, you with motherhood, someone offers you help and says, I can help you, I will come over and cook for you and do this for you. And free, by the way, because it's a friend, let's say. And you're like, no, they're super busy, they've got their own life, they've got other things to do, they don't really care. These are the internal things that our mind is telling us. And what ends up happening is that you don't reach out, you don't ask the questions, you don't send the email, you don't do this. And that thing goes by the wayside, the friendship doesn't necessarily flourish, it dies out, or you get too much in your head. And so then that opportunity goes by the wayside, and that small moment then is fleeting. And so you realize that if I had followed up, if I had done this, maybe life would have— and that's what your brain tells you. If I had followed up, if I had done this, maybe I wouldn't have been so exhausted. Maybe I would have been able to have that career that I always wanted. And it doesn't happen. And so we live in that land. And so it was— what was fascinating for me in this particular article is that he goes into a little bit more depth in this area. And he says, what is the worst-case scenario that happens if you send that email, if you ask that question, if you say, I need help, if any of those things happen? What's the worst that happens? Someone might say no. And that is That seems like a horrible answer. But what happens if they do do these things? What if they genuinely meant it and you got the help and you got that promotion or you got that whatever? Now you've just changed the trajectory of your life in a different— another way that was more positive, as opposed to, wow, I suck in this and that. You sometimes just have to take the leap and do the thing that's uncomfortable. Because you never know where it's going to lead you. So that's my little thing of the day. So I just want to recognize that through all of these, there's a pattern. There's a thing that we keep seeing over and over and over again. And these regrets, they're different. They're different specific situations, but the themes are very similar. It's they basically took the information that they had now and they put it into the past and said, Wow, I could have made a different decision and my life could have been better. So that's the thing that constantly happens. You take the information that you have now— you didn't have this information back then— but you try to insert it there and say, wow, I knew that this thing was worth $1 million because I know now. Oh, wow, I should have done it this way. So all these things— oh gosh, if I had known that they were going to actually help me, I would have done that. I didn't realize that they could have helped me. All these things, it alters the story of our life and it tells us that, oh, life could have been different for me. So that's the weaving theme and the pattern that's in through all this. So now I just want to like bring in my own personal thoughts here a little bit. First of all, I don't necessarily sit in regret personally, and there's a reason for that because I truly believe that I make decisions based on the information that I have in that moment. And do— and I'm going to be straight up, I do not think that I make the best decisions every time. I make mistakes. I do things that I wish I had done differently. But regret is a different piece of it. Regret keeps us stuck. Regret says that, wow, I should have made a different decision, and how could I not? It leads us into shame, guilt, grief, Perseveration, whatever, it doesn't move us forward. That's really the, the piece of this is that it keeps us stuck. It keeps us stuck in the past. And if we want to move forward, if we want to recognize that our life is still happening right now, we have to be able to move forward with it. We have to be able to say, I made those decisions. Were they the best ones? Maybe not. What can I learn from them? What can I use as information now? Because now I have that information, as opposed to I didn't back then. And the thing is, every day we are approached with new decisions and new life things that we can only make choices based on our information we have right at this very moment. And so that is one of the reasons. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have life events that have— I believe have altered the course of my life, and I'm tell you about one that I specifically have in my head a lot. In high school— yep, I'm going all the way back there— in high school, I had the opportunity to go to Israel for a semester, and I had everything, you know, my parents got everything together, and I'm lucky that I had this opportunity, but I turned it down. I turned it down not too far in advance of when I was supposed to leave, honestly, and my parents were not happy with me, but I had made these decisions. It was going to be a big headache with my health, but there was also some personal life decisions that are things that were happening that I just like wasn't wanting to leave for. I wanted to see how they played out. Um, turns out they didn't play out quite how I wanted them to, but it's okay, it worked out. But my mom was upset because she's like, this is how we do things. This— we go to Israel at this time, you go to these schools, you do this, whatever. Well, she's like, you're gonna go at some point. And so I went my first year of high school, or my first year of college. And I actually believe like when I was there, I met a bunch of amazing people. And those people, a lot of some of those people were going to the University of Maryland. Now I think to myself, if I had gone in high school to Israel, I never would have ended up at the University of Maryland, because why would I have? That wasn't, that wasn't in the plan. So I altered the plan a little bit. I ended up going to the University of Maryland, and I met a bunch of people that led me down this path that I'm in now. I don't think I would have met my husband. I don't think I would have had my 3 kids, because I can't have my 3 kids without my husband. In this particular situation. So like, all these things that wouldn't have happened, and if they wouldn't have happened, then like, that changes my life. So I truly believe that that was a big thing, but I don't regret not going. I just say, wow, that shaped my life in a big way, and my life is okay. Is it perfect? No, but I don't know if anyone's life is perfect. Now let's take this into a different perspective. My husband thinks of this very differently. Not my particular situation, but his. He will periodically have moments where he looks back on his first job outside of law school and he wishes that he would have stayed, because in his brain, the story that is being told is that if I would have stayed, I would have made partner and I would have been on a very different trajectory in life, and maybe we would have been better. He falls into the what-if and the missing money kind of thing. He thinks that if he had made these decisions, his money and his financial stability would have been in a different place, better or for worse. But I truly believe, and I have shared this with him, is that all of those decisions were made based on information we had at that moment, and it led you down this path that you are now embarking on. And, and who knows where it'll go. All we can do is be curious about it, because you never know, maybe it would— it will lead him to things that he can only— he can only dream of. I don't know. I have that hope for him. I hope that hope for us, but we'll see where it goes. And we have to be just curious about it because you never know. But without those first experiences, without those decisions that we made in the past, we wouldn't be here now. So thinking about that, how does regret keep us stuck? It keeps us stuck in the past. It freezes us to think that we need to constantly keep reminding ourselves of the decisions that we make. And it also freezes us for future decisions because now we've lost trust within ourselves to be able to make a good decision because we think that every decision that we make is bad, or the what-ifs pop up and all of that. So it makes future decisions a lot harder if we're constantly having to question the decisions that we make. So we have to reframe them. We have to see regret as something different because what we're assuming is that if we had made another decision, our life would be better. But is that really the case? Do you know? Can you say with 100% certainty that your life would be better if your decision had been different? So it just led us down a different path. It didn't necessarily lead you down a better or a worse one. Now let's go with those catastrophic ones. You could say otherwise if you've lost somebody because of a decision, you, you know, but how can you know? Let's say you take a right down one street and that that right led you to a catastrophic car accident. And now all of a sudden, when you have maybe someone who had physically hurt himself to the point of no return, now you could say, I should have turned left, or I should have gone straight. But why did you make that right turn? Maybe it was because there was a lot of traffic in one area and there wasn't in the other. You couldn't know that that was going to be your outcome, but it is a catastrophic one. It is devastating, absolutely. But to— you can't go back in time, so all you're doing is you're keeping yourself stuck. So what do you do with the information that you have now? You can never know on the road what turn is going— I think about that often, actually. You never know on a road what turn is going to lead you to safety and what might lead you to an accident. And sometimes that's scary, and to acknowledge that, but to also realize that, like, I gotta go with based on what decision I have, and I can be as safe as I can, and sometimes it still doesn't work out in my favor. But to regret that, that's a— that's very heavy because you just couldn't have made a different decision with any other information. So remembering it keeps us stuck. It's hard. It's really, really hard. And especially as a mom, we think about our decisions all the time because the decisions that we make don't just impact us, it impacts our children and our family. And that is very, very heavy. But it makes it hard to make decisions then if you're constantly thinking about what if. So I just want you, as I— as we wrap up, to really think about the themes that your regrets— like thinking about that motherhood regret and thinking about just life regrets in general, about what themes they fall into. What of those 6 do your regrets fall into? And what story are you telling yourself about that decision? And What happens if that story isn't true? What if that— what if we were to imagine that story isn't true that we are feeding ourselves? What if we were to say, actually, if we had taken a left, we would have been in a 6-car pileup and God knows what would have happened? Like, who knows? I don't really know. Both of them are catastrophic, but you just don't know what the other outcome would have been. Your story is that this would have been better, but would it have been better. I just don't— I don't know what's better and worse, and we can't know. And so maybe the work isn't actually about eliminating regret at all. Maybe it's about learning how to reframe it when it happens, and maybe reframing the decisions that we've already made, because we've made them and we can't go back. So I just want to kind of end with you there. And as I wrap up today, I just want to remind you that there's no right way to have these conversations. There's no right way to process the conversation that we are having today. So if something resonated and you need to kind of sit with it for a little bit, that's okay. If you need to come back to this, if there's things you got to journal, I welcome you to do it all. And if you ever want to add your voice, which I totally would love, whether it's next time or even later down the road, this space is here for you to do that. So thank you for being here and sharing this space with me. I will see you in a couple weeks. Bye!
