BONUS: Using Ritual In Chaotic Times w/ Nicole Sugihara

All right, all right. So we got a bonus question that happened after we hit end of record, so I'm gonna ask it again for you good folks. Again, this is my buddy Nicole. We're talking about rituals. And I asked her, like, how rituals can help people get over the emotion of a very chaotic world. Between the pandemic and between the time we're recording this is the week after all the craziness on the Supreme Court, however you feel about that, these big things that impact how either you live day to day or how you feel about your society, how you feel about other people, you know, with different opinions, like, how can you use rituals? Or how do rituals help you kind of feel like you're more in control of how you feel, like, the emotionality behind it all.

Yeah, and I. Yeah, the question gives me chills. And so I know, like. Like, when that happens, I'm like, you got to push record again, Betty, because that was really good. And. And the other piece that you said is like, how can I use this so that I can breathe right in our daily. Like, just daily life right now, it's so. It's so. There's just so much going on, and it does get me really emotional thinking about it. And so, again, like, that. That gift of. I really do think awareness and intention can honestly change literally everything that we do. And there is a lot going on, right? And it can feel really overwhelming. It can feel very anger producing. It can feel very unsure. Our security has been rocked, right? Like, our security in so many ways has been rocked. And in the last few years, in a way where so much of our daily experience, we don't feel like we have any control over, you know, to. To. From. Like you said, like, from the pandemic. So there was this, you know, invisible thing that was floating around the air that was coming for us, you know, to now, you know, gas and food prices are so high that it is making it challenging for a large portion of our population to simply exist. We don't really have. Like, there's not a real sense of an immediate control over that or with that. Like, it's, like, happening out there, but it's like, what can we actually do about it? I. I still don't know. And then, like you said, the Supreme Court decisions, and again, how we feel about that, whether you're overjoyed or heartbroken. And again, this is what I was talking about, about building our robustness. So when the shit hits the fan, we have the tools. We have the ability. We have enough of ourselves. That we know where we stand. And if we know above all else that the place that we stand is in love and in compassion, no matter where you are in the spectrum of all of that, that is, there is no stronger place to be able to stand and to come from, because love will always provide. It may not be in the way that we expect. It may not be in the way that we think. I strongly believe 100%, 100,000% of my existence, every cell in my being knows love will always provide. And so being able to meet for me the fierce love ritual or any other practice that we do, that is cultivating that place of heart, space, that is cultivating that place of being grounded in love and in compassion and understanding, that will win. And we have to practice it like, we have to practice it on a regular basis. And so whenever we feel emotionally triggered, whenever we feel that, you know, anger or that heated, you know, our belly starts getting riled up or, you know, our. We feel like mama bear, papa bear is coming out. And like, you know, the claws and daggers are coming out. And like, we. That is the practice of continually cultivating love. And how do we do that when all I feel like is, I just want to punch somebody right in the face? Right. I mean, which sounds so not enlightened, but that's reality right now. And so how do we cultivate that? How do we use these rituals? These rituals are about knowing ourself and getting to know ourselves on a deeper and deeper level. It's about cultivating that compassionateness when there is not an ounce of us that wants to feel compassionate against that other, about that other person. How do we bring at least a half an ounce of that to the surface so that that's what's seen and that's what's felt? And then all of our movement and our action is created from that space versus a place of fear or hate or, you know, those. Or anger. Those. Like, those are good to fuel certain things. Yet I feel very strongly about the fact that through the practice of ritual, we cultivate what it means to be compassionate, even in the hardest of times, even when we're triggered, even when, like I said, we want to punch somebody in the face. Yeah, we have to know ourselves. And that's where I think a lot of the power comes from. That is where empowerment comes from, is knowing ourselves well enough to know that in these moments, I can respond, not react. And I can respond from the greatest good of my. Of love and of compassion, whatever that might mean. And I get that could Mean a whole spectrum of things for people, especially right now. So how do I get a sense of control? How do I take it back to how do I breathe on a daily basis when I feel overwhelmed and like the world's exploding? Come back to the breath because that's first and foremost our very most present experience that we can have. We have to come back to breath, use that 30 second piece out, come back to that place again. We practice it when we're not triggered and when we're not freaking out. So that when we do get triggered or we do get freaked out, we have it as a solid practice to lean on. Yeah. So keep coming back. Yeah. So because we have it in us. Right? We have it in us. We do. It's our innate gift, it's our innate experience of life is to be in that space of love. So come back to that with your breath a hundred percent.

And I imagine I know the answer to this because it's going to be what you just said. But when we're trying to cultivate that love and compassion for others. We talked about all the crazy things happening out in the world, but how do you do. And this is probably the toughest part of I had imagined this practice is how do you show love and compassion for someone that doesn't have love and compassion for you back?

I believe that our actions don't have to do with anything with the other person sitting across from us or standing across from us. How we choose to respond versus react is about us. And again, knowing ourselves, knowing, you know, you know, working with ourselves enough that. So, okay, so, right. So first thing, it's not about the other person. It's about how I choose to be, period, end of story, in any, in any situation. And if I happen to yell or scream or, you know, like, go against what I think I want to be doing in the world. Taking a minute and being like, whoa, okay, taking myself a timeout and recognizing like, okay, this is not who I say I want to be in the world, or this is not in alignment with who I say I'm going to be or who I want to be. How can I do that differently? And then also not beating myself up about it. Yeah, like recognizing I'm human. Like I'm human. I'm going to, you know, say or do things that aren't going to be amazing. Sometimes that's just reality. As much as I try and as much as I do and as much as I be and all those things, sometimes I'm going to say or do something that's not awesome. And realizing that that's okay too. I mean, if I've got to apologize or I have to make amends somehow, okay, I'll do that. Yeah. So knowing when to rise above. Right. Or rise through, I mean it's not even really above or just rising through all the bowl. Yeah. So that like. Yeah. Trying to see it from the 30,000 foot view sometimes helps to. Right. Like rising above it so that you can see it not rising above it because you're better than or greater than. It's Rising above it so that it's like seeing if you can see it from a different perspective. Walking in somebody else's shoes using that like compassion is about understanding somebody from their point of view. Yeah. It's not about being, you know, all about high mighty in your own shoes. Like it's real easy to stand in that place. The place of that compassion, the place of, place of that love is to be able to switch it over and be like, oh, if I were that person, I would probably be thinking and acting the same way. So what would that feel like? What would have driven me to that place? How can I see it from a different perspective? How can I float above it? Look around, see how that might look different? They got there the same place I, you know, same way I did through life's experiences and interactions with people.

Yeah.

And so how do I kind of step back and be like, okay, what's the greatest difference I can make and how do I make a greater impact? And for me, from that place of that more grounded love. Yeah. I'm not saying it's easy.

Definitely not. And I love what I'm hearing, you know, like what Dale Carnegie says, you can't control what happens to you. You can only control how you show up. And that's a really rough paraphrase. So if you're out on the Internet, don't, don't blame me for. Not 100% correct. But I think having that idea of your ideal self and not getting caught in the soul grindingness of these other emotions that are happening at a macro level or with other people that definitely are not there.

Right.

You can't. They talked about rising above. There's another point that I thought was really important. It's how we show up. It's in that being your authentic self in spite of and not because you're better than. It's because I think the more we can help people and role model that for other folks, the more people we can bring on and the world needs less that reaction that you talked about, less gut. This is how I feel. And now I'm going to get in your face about this and more of that. Reflective, thoughtful, like, okay, what does this mean, to react in this way? You know, like, there's a story I had in corporate America that kind of, I think, dictates this, where there's a teammate who wasn't listening at all. Like, he was in a meeting with me. I explained this particular technical thing, this is the software thing, and he kept asking me the same questions. I basically communicated him in every way you could. Email, text message, instant message, in person, at one on one, in person, at a meeting. And he started getting passive aggressive on this thing that broke because he wasn't paying attention, you know, and so I'm like, hey, what do you want from me? Like, you know, you know, we had all these interactions, like, what's the deal? And he comes in my office and starts like swearing me out, you know, like energy, like, what the hell's wrong with you? And I knew in that moment that I could either get back in his face and probably get into a fistfight at work. It was, it was like he. I'm pretty sure he was going to hit me for this, which was surprising. Or I could be like, hey, we need to go talk with somebody and very calmly address that, show up as emotional leader in that. And like, we don't need to escalate this. Let's shift this energy. We moved and he came into my office to yell at me. So we like moved to a different, Found my manager and then worked it out. But that could have gone wrong in so many different ways. And I think having that awareness that you kept talking about in the podcast of I'm not the one that escalates, I'm the one that tries to get the best outcome for everyone, helped me in that particular moment avoid a physical confrontation and who knows what happened after that, like, for something very trivial in the grand scheme of things, you know, like. But again, it was that showing up as your authentic self, having that intention, not reacting, being able to step back for that split second that where my brain was like, fight this guy, you know? No, no, like, that's not the best action. Like, that's. Let's try to move this in a more constructive thing.

So the thought of me, like putting on boxing gloves and like going to town, just. It totally cracks me up. But it does bring me to another really good point. I'll go to. I didn't know if you had something else you Wanted to say about that.

No, no, that's it on that.

Okay. So I think part of the underlying when I say like, know thyself, like know yourself, know what your hot buttons are. Know what could be a possible trigger for, you know what really irks, you know what's going to start that anger fire in you.

Yeah.

Know those things. Right. Like, and maybe you don't know all of us. I mean we don't know all of the things. But like, if, you know, like, okay, if I'm in that particular kind of situation, I am probably not going to be the most amazing version of myself that I could be. Yeah. So maybe like assessing what would be your best situation, like places that you'd want to be or do things around. But I think that also part of working with the shadow side of our, our beings is learning to how do I be with those emotions? Like so one of your questions was how do I be with some of these, like the overwhelm or the anger or the, the fear. Right. Mo A lot of this when we're being shaken at our foundation is a fear response period, end of story. Like it is 100% fear. And that is like a first chakra. That's the first chakra. Shadow side is fear, plain and simple. When your foundation is being rocked, fear is going to be our first response for the most part. Fight, flight, freeze, whatever, right. All of that comes into play and then probably quickly after that could very well be anger. So I want to give two tips, two processes on dealing with anger and processing through anger. Because I don't believe that that is a well taught thing in our society. I certainly wasn't taught how to deal with my difficult emotions. Right. With that spectrum of emotions, they're all welcome and gone sideways. They're not amazing. So like how do I process if I'm feeling really activated and I'm feeling really like super pissed off and I really feel like I've got this urge to just like start punching things and punching people in the face. One of the things that you can do is if you have a tennis racket or a pickleball racket, since that seems to be like the thing lately, or like a bat or like a wiffle ball bat, which is like a kind of a hard plastic bat, you can take one of those objects and like hit a pillow and um. Oh. A cool way that I've learned to do this is to do it with your breath so that you're inhaling as you're coming up and then exhaling as A full body motion, exhaling it down and then inhaling as you come up and exhaling like you're chopping wood. Okay. And what that does is it helps train the body, the neural connections, all of that, the breath that when I get activated like that, oh, I remember I can breathe. Right. Because one of our first responses is to shut down, shut down breath, shut down, everything shut down, shut down, shut down. So that's a very cool practice to be able to utilize. And so if you're feeling activated right now for whatever reasons, grab a, grab a grab, you grab your weapon of choice and like you know, whack the pillow and inanimate thing. That's not going to be hurt. Right? Like practice again. This is a process of building robustness. This is a process of cleansing our being, releasing these things, working through, processing these things in healthier ways so that hopefully when we show up for something, we are in our better state. So that is, that is practice number one is like beat the bejesus out of that thing. And if you need to scream and shout and like let it out, let it out. However you need to, that is, that's a free thing. Right. I would just make caveat. Don't use your hands like, or your arms unless you have like a punching bag. That's another way, great way to do it. Most people have a punching bag hanging out but like don't hit your. Use your hands on the pillow because that can cause like some bodily like jarring. So something else that's an easier extension.

Got it.

Okay, my next last piece of this little bit right here is what I call a burning bowl. And so if you have a fire pit or a fireplace or a non metal, non glass bowl, basically something that you can like burn papers in some objects. What I suggest is writing all of your grievances, all of your things, all of those thoughts, all of those concerns, worries, fears, all the stuff just write like crazy. Right, right, right, right, right. Like paper upon paper on paper. I don't, I mean great. Not, not on the computer. It needs to be on paper. It needs to be hand, you know, pen to paper. Write like a mad woman, man person and just get it out and then you're going to light it on fire. That's why I said like make sure it's in a contained, safe space to be able to like burn the thing. And then once it's ash, you have a couple of options. You can flush it down the toilet, you can go bury it outside in the dirt. Those are basically the two Best options and releasing that stuff, like, right, like release that stuff out into the world. Release, release it so that the universe can take care of it. The divine God, whatever you want can take it and basically recycle it into something more beautiful. And you can release it with love and grace again, that compassion, with gratitude. You can also write your, your intentions down in the same, in the same process, you can also burn those. So you're simply giving it a place to go. And I think people feel trapped and stuck. Like going back to earlier part of conversation, they feel trapped and stuck when they don't know what to do with these emotions and they don't know a place to put them or what to do with them. So those are two really cool ways to be able to release, cleanse out. Like really like process through. We're not going to just get rid of them. Like they're still going to live within us, but the more we can get out of us, the less they live in us and the more we can show up fully for ourselves and for other people.

100%. I'll add another habit that has worked for me in my life and working it out and it is to run. Like, yes, it, running I think is one of the best ways to process any emotions. Anxiety, you want nervousness, anger, like, and I like running versus weights. Every time I've done weights angry, I end up pulling something. It's a really good workout until the next day when I can't move because like I wasn't paying attention to my body in a way that I wasn't focused on doing it right. I was focused on feeling powerful, if that makes sense.

Yes.

Or at least with running you can run hard and then you're, you're heart and lungs and legs will be like, hey buddy, you overdid it. How you feeling right now? You can take a breath and get at it again or just until that, that gets exercise. But I think, you know, some type of like physical movement is really important in the processing of anger or in particular. So.

Yeah, and yes, because, yes, thank you for adding that because I was going to add that too. And maybe you can't run. Maybe you can speed walk, maybe you can ride a bike, maybe you can go swimming, maybe you can like, yeah. However, anything, you know, doing body squats like until you just can't stand anymore. Like those things that again are going to activate that system in a way that there is a natural release process through sweating, through breath, through that whole experience of letting that out in any kind of way. That works for, you know, for your body and for you. And yeah, 100%. Another piece that is why that's so amazing and why that really does help so much is because, like I said, that fear lives in that first chakra. And first chakra is the very base of the pelvic floor, basically. And it's our legs and feet and ankles and knees are also part of that first chakra. And so anything that is starting to activate and work through again, this is where that movement piece comes in, right. That we talked about earlier, like using movement to process with and through those emotions. So anything that is, you're utilizing those legs and that, that, those glutes, the booty, that's going to help start processing that. And those are the biggest muscles in our body. And so that's going to also help process that and get it released as much as possible. So another way to think about that so it's again, using, utilizing and using movement so that we can move through the shadow, through the light, through the shadow, through the light. In whatever process it all happens, sometimes it's more shadow, sometimes more light, sometimes just all mixed up together. So there it is.

Right on.

Yeah. It's another piece as to why that's also super useful and helpful, most definitely.

And yeah.

All right.

I love this little bonus session. Is there anything else you'd like to add before we close down? You could always hit the record button later, but.

There'S so many pieces we could add. No, I just think. I think. Thank you for bringing it back to. Also to real life, to real time, day to day right now, what's happening right now and what's going to be happening, I believe for probably for a while to come and do our best, right? To just do our best to stay connected to our breath, to stay connected to who you say you're going to be, to staying connected to your source, whatever that looks like for you, and practicing, like giving yourself grace. We're human and just keep practicing, keep practicing that and building that robustness because we are going to need it. No matter where you are in this world, on this spectrum of existence, we're going to need it. We haven't been stopped being challenged yet. So. Right. Practice the things you need to do.

And I think another call out because they were operating under the assumption too, that you want compassion and love to be part of who you are. I think it gets tough if you don't have any of that in your life. So if you're like I am all about hate and destruction, Which I really hope you're not. You're not listening to the right podcast.

They're not going to be listening to you.

But, you know, having a focus on that, I do believe is important in. Just like, I feel if you don't have space for that in your life, it's going to get filled up with all the other things that you could feel. So that could be anxiousness, it could be worry, it could be concern, it could be overwhelm, all those kind of shadow things we talked about, or it could be focused on, like, overeating. I think a lot of things can be connected to this lack of connection to others, connection and empathy and compassion. So throw in that. That's how I kind of view life. So I'll throw that belief out there, too. So I hope that you're making space for it, or the high performance coach in me is now, like, how could you make more space for that in your life and try to grow that area through these types of rituals.

Yes. And thank you so much for saying that, because as we process through and dissolve, release, let go of any of the things that just no longer serve us, I'll just leave it as that. Like anything that is no longer serving you. Coming back to that intention, which is another reason why the intention, what you're saying is so important, is once we create an openness or a space or a void is another way to say it, something is going to be filled back in. So that's the way of. That's the way of the universe. Right. That's the way of nature. When something's open, something wants to come in and fill it up. So like you were saying, come back to that space of intentionality, of that awareness. Be aware of what you're feeling back up in that space. You can clear all you want. And if you're not intentional about what you put back into it, more of the garbage is going to come back in. Yeah. So, yes. Thank you for that reminder. That's super critical to remember. Like, that is an important part of this process, which is why it's step one. Come on back to step one. Always about the intention. Yes. Thank you.

You got it. Thank you again. This is super awesome, and I hope to have you back on soon.

Absolutely. I'm game. Anytime, buddy. Thank you. All right, lots of love, everybody.

Lots of love.

Wow.

I am so glad we were able to capture this second part of the conversation after we were talking, after the podcast was over. And I think, again, the unifying theme here for this bonus episode is how do we find our center? How do we get back to feeling like we're in control? Because as Dale Carnegie once said, that I'll paraphrase and probably mess up is we can't control the things that happen around us, but we can control how we show up. And that's one of the powers applicable and applied powers of rituals. So again, if you want to learn more about Nicole, her process, the things that she's doing out in the world, the links will be in the show notes. I'm so thankful for her for joining us today. I hope you enjoyed it. I know that I did. So be sure again to subscribe on Apple Podcasts to the Meaningful Revolution podcast, because when you subscribe there and when you leave a comment, it helps us get the word out. So help join our revolution, help get the word out, help get more people on board so that we can live a little bit more intentful each day. Also, if you want to learn more about me, you can always go to seanbutner.com or Sean coach s h a w n coach www.sean coach. That will get you into what I do as a coach and the things that I'm offering currently and that helps me sustain the podcast. So if you like what you're hearing, if you like this vibe, if you need a little bit of help getting ahead, make sure you go check that out. Okay? Well, on the next episode, we are talking to Dr. Emmanuel George again about leadership and his experience in pharmacy. He's one of my favorite folks. He does a really fantastic job for y'.

All.

I know you'll love it because I loved it. And we'll see you guys then.

Take care.