When To Quit Something with Shawn Buttner

In 2016, I was with my coach and we, because of this process of high performance coaching and our relationship that we had together, I was carrying around a lot of stress that I didn't really realize I was. And maybe you are also in this boat, but you wouldn't know it if you didn't know you were stressed out about something you didn't know about. Just kind of a weird phrase to say. But really, like if you've ever wondered, when do I quit a project, when do I quit a job, when do I quit a relationship, when do I quit doing Pilates? Because it hurts when you've committed to something and you said, I'm going to do this. How do you know when to let that go? Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Meaningful Revolution. I'm your host, Sean Butner, and this is the podcast where we talk about things that help us find meaning in our life, help us live our life to its fullest, inspires us to do our best so that we can live an extraordinary life. Extraordinary life, to be a matter of fact, however you want to say it. So I just wanted to say, first off, today is a solo episode. As we go into the end of the year, some scheduling got a little goofed up, and with wanting to take some time off at the end of the year, I don't want to be editing a bunch of podcasts. So I'll be queuing them up for the end of the year, talking a little bit about coaching. And today's topic is going to be about how coaching changes lives. And so we'll go from there. The last episode of the year will be Got something stored for that, so stay tuned for that in the future. So let's see, let's start off with the state of the podcast. So as you may or may not know, this was started in August of 2022 with the idea and just kind of chasing the hunch that if you interview people that really love a particular topic, something that they find lights up their heart, that you know, that'll be compelling and people will find that interesting. And as far as the data for the podcast shows, I think that's pretty true. So first off, I want to thank you humbly for listening to this podcast that's ever evolving, ever changing. And as we wrap up the end of the year, I could not have done it with each of the guests, with each one of the listeners that are here. So as with that in mind, it's my job, it's my responsibility, it's my duty to you, the humble listener to to make sure that I'm constantly improving. So today's solo episode has a little bit more of a structure behind it. So just like the interviews, I have a set of questions to help guide us through a a set process that's really testing out that for the solo cast. So in times when there's something important to say or times when I just need a little bit of room between guests, I can do this effectively for you all. So with that said, if there's a topic or someone that you would love interviewed on the podcast, I'd love to hear that in the comments either on Apple Podcasts. Go to my blog or my website. I should say that has this episode up and comment below there. And I'd love also to hear from you folks if you guys are getting stuff out of this, if you enjoy it, what you really love about the show, what you'd love to change and kind of, I'd love to have a little bit more of that community engagement. And I'll be working a lot on that. A lot more coming in the into the future, so stay tuned for that. I've tried a couple of things here and there, but next year is going to be the, the year where I get that kind of now that I've learned a bit about it to, to get more of some more traction on that. So that's kind of the state of the podcast. Overall. I've been super happy with it and feel like I've been becoming a better host for y'. All. So we'll just keep that going. So today is how coaching changes people's lives. And I'd like to start off with this critical moment where probably in 2016, I was with my coach and we because of this process of high performance coaching and our relationship that we had together, I was carrying around a lot of stress that I didn't really realize I was. And maybe you are also in this boat, but you wouldn't know it if you didn't know you were stressed out about something you didn't know about. Just kind of a weird phrase to say, but really like I had a previous business where I was writing this ebook and it was stressing me out that it wasn't out. And I kept revising it and kept revising it and through our conversation, you know, gave myself permission to quit. So if you've ever wondered how, when do I quit a project? When do I quit a job? When do I quit a relationship? When do I quit doing Pilates? Because it hurts when you quit, you've committed to something. And you said, I'm going to do this. How do you know when to let that go? And when does it become something that used to maybe motivate you and switch over to something that's weight, that's preventing you from your next breakthrough, from your next level in your life? So that's the topic we have today, is how coaching changes lives, in particular, when to quit things, because that's super important. So I would not have gotten to the point in that coaching relationship with my coach in 2016 had I not had a great relationship with that coach. So I want to go into what I think coaching really is and what I think makes a great coach. And I'll highlight, you know, where I think my coach did really well there and my own coaching practice too, and give you some ideas on how to figure out when it's all right to quit something that you've put a lot of effort in that might be again, preventing you from freeing up time, resources, headspace, emotional space to pursue the next thing with excellence. So first thing is, how do I define coaching or what is coaching? Coaching to me is an influencing relationship where you're helping someone get self discovery or discovery about how the world works. You're helping people make decisions quicker, more informed about our quality in a quicker time period. You're helping people improve performance, and you're helping people just live a better life. And you could kind of relate these to particular types of coaching. So like a sports coach might be more concerned about performance improvement, where a business coach might be helping you make decisions or helping you again, you know, perform better in your business, but primarily, like maybe make better decisions. A personal development coach might help you discover who you are so you can live authentically. So there's all these different types of coaching. And you know, I think a great coach will cover each of those buckets with you in the course of your time together. So how are you learning about yourself, learning about the world, how the world works, how you interact and live in the world? That's a really good question. So I hope you're taking notes and you're writing that down. The second, you know, kind of thing is how is the coach helping you make decisions, think through things? Right. You know, a lot of times when it comes to decision making, it's either we're trying to cover too much territory, meaning that there's so many like micro decisions that need to make up the big decision, you know. So like you're thinking about, I had a client who was discussing whether to you know, expand the family, right? So they wanted to have their third kid and they were kind of fighting about it. But really what they needed to do is break it down into is this good financially, yes or no, is this good, you know, for, you know, our current housing situation, how does that impact it? How does it impact, impact our quality of life and so on? So breaking it down into a yes, no on some of these smaller decisions helped move that big decision forward. So a coach can help talk you through those types of things or point out they're like, hey, like you're stuck because there's smaller things that you need to kind of figure out in order to make the big decision. And it can help you speed up that process. Fantastic. Coach will question how you're doing things and have you re engage in learning on your craft or what you do for work or what you do during the day. Right? So like a sports coach, you know, making sure you're doing the fundamentals, but also making sure that you're pushing yourself, you're being challenged, you're, you're progressing in that way and then better living, you know, how are you feeling during the day? Do you feel the day? Do you feel excited for the day? Do you feel, you know, a sense of joy in the things that you do? And it's so important to cover all those things. A great coach will be holistic in covering those areas and poking into your career, into your personal life, into your like in relationships, into your health and into your, your general ability, well being or how you feel. So that's what I think, you know, coaching really is. And again, what makes a good coach is there's someone that's co creating a vision for your future, right? So they're doing all those things, they're helping you see a different future for yourself and helping you build that plan to really make it happen. And so that's what happened in, in my story when I had again been working on this project for three years and my coaches asked me questions about it and how do you really feel about it? And I'm like, I never really thought how I felt about it. And so I remember sitting in the chair with my notebook during our coaching session and being like, ah, I need to close this down. I need to, you know, close this loop. And she's like, well, how would you feel if you didn't have to worry about that? I'm like, oh, I probably would feel a lot, a lot happier, right? Like there's something, especially with high performers, not that I'm a high performer, but not the highest performer yet. You know, we're all kind of on that journey. But I do believe that it was. It was weighing down on me, you know, in ways where I couldn't start some things for my coaching business, which I was kind of doing as a side hustle, trying to finish up this thing that I committed to myself that I would do in the past. And so it was a really productive conversation of, like, why are you holding on to that? And, you know, what do you need to do to release that? And was really profound because I ended up releasing that project and making decisions that would impact me, you know, three years later. Right. Because it was through that conversation and that relationship where I felt like I could safely explore, you know, what would happen if I quit this, you know, that I also, I think in that moment made the decision that I need to move into coaching full time myself. Right. But if I'm talking about what makes me happy, if I'm talking about what I find super fulfilling, if I talk about what's really going to, you know, help me live the life that I really want to, you know, the life that I've designed for myself, which we talk a lot about in the podcast, it was starting a business where I wasn't tied into, you know, a boss was part of it. But more importantly, like, I just love working one on one with people and as a software engineer, working at a job that I absolutely loved, you know, and that's the thing too. Like, sometimes you have to quit the things that you love and it hurts and it's scary. And it's all these things where, you know, you start to get down on yourself. You're like, why would I want to leave a job that is great and is what you wanted for most of your life leading up to that job, you know, so that was a really great moment for me about my coach to kind of like, okay, I need to start making this plan to when am I going to make the decision to. To. To move? So with that said, you know, what are a couple of things that you can do if you need to determine, am I carrying anything that's stressing me out and how can I release those things for the next best thing? And so the first thing is, I think it's really important to engage a coach, engage a mentor, engage your friends or your support group. So engage your community is what I'm going to call this. But really it's, who do you have in your life that has your best interest in life? Doesn't have an agenda for you and can really help you think through in a very strategic way, in a very open way of, you know, what's going on, like what is stressing out, what is holding you back from living that big dream. And I think coaches are a really great option for this for all the reasons I shared before, you know, because, you know, coaching isn't influencing relationship where you're trying to discover, make decisions, performance improve and live better. But again, it's also someone that, that's co creating that, that vision by asking the right questions or going through a process to help you build that future and then helping you, you build that plan. So engaging your community, engaging a coach, engaging a mentor is the first thing I would think of for, for really trying to figure out should you quit something or is there something hanging over your head that you need to let go. The second thing when you know in that conversation, when you get clarity around what's holding you back or what's dragging you down, is to really get clear on what you want after, right? So it's one thing to be like, I'm not happy here, I'm feeling burnt out here, which is I've heard a lot as a coach the last couple years, or you know, I want to do something different, but I don't know what. So the second thing after finding a mentor and engaging, you know, to find out if there's a reason to leave or it's wise to leave maybe, is to then get clarity on what do you want in life. And so the question I'm really fond of that really impacted me is, are you living your truth and think, think through that, like as you journal about this or reflect on in your car or wherever you're at, you know, are you living your truth right now and what does that mean to you? Right? I think that it's such a big question, you know, but I bet you if you heard it and you went, not in this part of my life, like that's the part to journal about, that's the part to maybe unpack. But on the converse side, like, what is your truth? What would living your truth really look like? You know, what does that, how does that show up in your day to day life? How does it show up and how you feel? How does it show up in the things you do, the people you see, the work you're putting out in the world? You know, it's such a really big question and it's super helpful to, to think through and get really clear because once you're clear on what you're working towards. And maybe, you know, at first, you know, engage your coach, get clear on your future. Next is get clear on what you need to, to let go of to move forward. Right? So I was going to have it kind of lumped in that first point, but I, I think it's more app as its own, own thing where, okay, so you have this clear vision of where you want to go. What do you need to give up in order to make that happen? And it's not give up in a irresponsible way. You know, maybe you have some friends, you have family members that rely on you for food and for shelter and all that stuff. And so you need to go about it in a smart way. But, you know, if you're like, hey, like, I really want to become a dentist and I'm not in school, I need to get to school. And in order to go to school, I have to, you know, start playing that game of like, well, I need to find a different job or I need to find a way to fund it and all that stuff. So, you know, what do you need to give up in order to realize your dream to get started. The, the, so engage your community, coach. Get clarity on your future. Get clarity on what you need to give up. The fourth point is to build your plan, right? So, and that encompasses a lot of different components. So you want to think of what do you need to do to prepare for making that decision, to start fully living into that vision you have for yourself. What are the trigger points for making it happen? You know, so, you know, when are you actually going to make the decision? Which leads to our next point, which I'll tell you in a second. And then, you know, what are the contingencies and backup plans for after you make that decision? Right? So in the case of quitting your corporate job, right, just something I did in 2019, I did end up leaving Apple after working through this for years, right. And I probably could have done it sooner, probably should have done it sooner in a lot of ways. But you know, it, it took me, you know, getting rid of student, I needed to get rid of my student debt. I needed, which I did. I needed to have a nest egg. I wanted to have stock vested for my initial hire at Apple. I wanted to really be sure I wanted to pursue that career in coaching. So kind of side hustling the coaching thing as I was working full time at Apple as a software engineer and so on. And so it was kind of like, what do I need to get ready to make the decision, right? So when I made the decision or when it was time to make the decision, so I knew that I had X amount in the bank. I had this, I had this, I had this. And then it was just kind of rallying the troops, right? So getting my wife on board, then girlfriend, now wife, it was, you know, letting my manager know and all that kind of stuff. And then after it, it was, okay, so, like, worst case scenario, this coaching thing doesn't work. What happens? Well, I live in California, close to Silicon Valley, so there's a lot of job opportunities for my technical skill set. If I need to go back there, I could engage my community, my coaching communities and stuff. You know, whoever helps me, you know, do my best job as a coach and a business owner and so on. So it. Having. Knowing that ahead of time helped me make that decision. And so I would encourage you, like, if you're not living your truth, if you have a vision for where you want to go and what you have to give up, like, what is your plan? And maybe you need to talk with a coach to really get that crystal clear. I know that helped me initially on getting more focused on, you know, my coaching business side hustle and Apple and what I wanted for my future and when to leave and all that. So when you have that plan figured out, you know, what are your preconditions to make the decision? What happens when you make the decision and then what happened? You know, what to do in case bad things happen or your worst fears. Fifth thing is to set a deadline, right? This, the deadline is either I will have those preconditions met or not, right? And so this is where a lot of people kind of stumble on this. You have a deadline, you don't meet it, you push it back. You have a deadline, you don't meet it, you push it back. And that's actually what happened to me. That's why it took three years to finally jump into my coaching business full time. You know, it's doing the work. There's nothing wrong with that particular thing. But there's also. You have to really be clear on why you're. You're pushing the deadline if it's not working for you. You know, sometimes deadlines are arbitrary and we just stress ourselves out. And I had a podcast recently about that with Lisa Bingley, so go check that out. But sometimes, you know, the deadline is missed because we're dealing with fear, and we're dealing with fear that we're not enough or that we're going to go broke, or we're going to embarrass ourselves or we're going to put ourselves out and it's not going to work or it's not going to work out in the way. So there's so many different worries and fears that we all have. And whether that's in the context of quitting your job or quitting a project or quitting a relationship or quitting a health regiment, you know, there's some attachment to it or some feeling that we might fail. Right? And here's probably the unpopular opinion about that right now, is that you're always successful at something. You're always failing something in any given moment. What do I mean by that? Like, you might, you know, when I left Apple, I quit a job, and so maybe you could say I failed in my tech career, but I then started to succeed in living the life that I really wanted or building a business that was more meaningful to me. So that was the beginning of that success story, but the end of maybe my tech career. So it's all how you frame it. It's all what makes you feel good about your decisions. And honestly, like, it's more important to just own your decisions and move forward and figure it out than to worry about all the things that, that really happen. So, you know, I, I really think that, like, that's the power of coaching, right? It's to own your decisions, it's to own your future, it's to own your ambitions and the things you're going after. And when you do that, it's much easier to step in and be like, okay, I can figure this out, I can move forward. I. I can make this thing happen for me, for my family, for my communities, for my legacy impact and enjoy. So with that said, closing thoughts. You know, I think really like having a strong relationship with somebody, right? Whether that is a formal coach that you hire or a mentor or, you know, a wise family member or community leader, you know, that's the power of that coaching relationship that can really transform your life. And it has transformed my life. Like I said, like, I went from having this project hanging over my head, realizing I should drop that to feel less stressed, then also realizing that, hey, like, I need to shift my career for what I really want, which is a heavier, not less important, but heavier kind of topic to kind of mull over. And it took me a while to realize that, you know what, my heart lies in the coaching, not with learning the next tech stack and all the cool things and dealing with the big egos with that come along with working at one of your dream jobs, you know, or at least it was for me. So, yeah, you know, if you are thinking like, hey, I'd love to try out coaching, I'd love to have this exploration with a guided process and a skilled coach. I guess you can below this video, sign up for a free one on one session with me, get posted on YouTube and all that. But I know how transformative this experience is and I know that we can find something that'll help you break through if we spend a little time together. And that's why I offer this for free. Full disclosure too. If you do the free option, I will take parts of it to post on YouTube to just highlight how the coaching process works for this new series, YouTube series I'm working on. So just so that you know that. That's the deal. Yeah. So if you're interested, hit the link below, get your application in and we'll schedule a time to spend an hour on your life walking through this high performance process. And it's because it changes lives, it can change your life. Having that type of relationship, that type of conversation, that type of process and support you need to get into the future that you want and I want. I'm here to support your ambitions, to say that, you know, with the right planning, the right process, nearly anything is possible for you. I firmly believe that. And I'd love to be the coach that helped transform your life like my coach was for me in reducing stress, but also opening up a new possibility for the future. So with that said, guys, this is Sean Butner saying, live with more joy, more growth and more impact. I'll explain what that means actually in next episode. So make sure you check us out next week and we'll see you then. Take care.