Transitioning Gracefully with Laverne Santangelo, LPC | Others Over Self Leadership Conference

Gonna invite you to just close your eyes just for a minute and just get grounded in your seat. And if you like, just kind of put one hand over your heart and your other hand over that hand and just kind of hold it there and just breathe for a few seconds. And if you'd like, you can say that person's name out loud. All right. You can kind of release now and just kind of relax and then just maybe take a deep breath because this might just get a little bit, a little heavy. And we talked about, you know, my presentation was going to be transitioning gracefully. But as I started to kind of put this together, I kind of thought, wow. Mm. There's grief and loss in that, but is it grace? It's kind of messy. And that's what I hear a lot from the clients that I see that come into my practice. One of the things that I'm asking— I also ask you to keep in mind, there's a few things I'm going to ask you to remember. Michelle talked about trauma. And, you know, she so beautifully— and all the information she gained. One of the things I'd like you— for you to remember is that not all grief has trauma, but all trauma has grief. And so with that being said, you can imagine, you know, when she talks— talked about PTSD among veterans and among anyone who struggles with PTSD, there's that grief. That they're also experiencing. Grief is love. And if you love, you're going to grieve. It's the circle of life, really, right? We recognize that. When I first came into private practice 2 years ago, so I came in right during the pandemic, mostly what I was seeing, a lot of people were coming in because they were experiencing a lot of grief from the pandemic, the mass shootings, the natural disasters, you know, and I just put, you know, war because that's just another thing that we can have collective grief. And the Queen and the, you know, President, those are examples of more collective grief. But that's what we were— what— that's what we've been experiencing these last, you know, 3 years is that collective grief. So when I started private practice, a lot of people were coming in because they were feeling a lot of anxiety, they were feeling a lot of depression, and they were like, I'm not sure what's going on and why I'm feeling so bad, you know, about all these things that have happened, especially when I don't have anybody connected, you know, that was part of that. Well, that is collective grief. And we all were experiencing that. You know, we all have been experiencing that the last 3 years. And think about it. Most recently, just a month ago, the shooting at Michigan State, right? That is collective grief. Okay? We all are experiencing that grief and we're kind of trying to figure it out. So I had a lot of people that were coming in for that. But as we moved through the pandemic, there were other things that started to show up and that kind of came along with that. What we grieve as— what we were grieving as individuals. We were grieving loss of life, and life was still continuing to go on. And some were experiencing— were becoming empty nesters. Some people were going through divorce, loss of job. A lot of people lost jobs, right? Loss of pet, loss of home, retirement, relocation. There were relationship breakups, friendships. Those are all things that we grieve as individuals. And a lot of times we don't even think that were grieving. So I would have people that would come in and say, why? You know, and even though empty nest can account, it can be a happy time, but it also can be a sad time. Relocation, you know, happy, can be a happy time, but also a sad time. And, but there's grief in that, even in those good moments, okay? And a lot of times we tend to focus a lot on that loss of life. So grief. Grief is what's going on on the inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. The internal work is the grief process, a journey. It does not have prescribed dimensions, and it does not end in a certain date, on a certain day. And that comes from David Kessler. He's one of the leading, um, therapist in grief. And so he's written his Finding Meaning: The Six Stages of Grief that came out just recently. Excellent book if you'd like to, you know, read something on processing grief. So remember, there is no certain date, and that's something that I would hear a lot of as people would come in too, that they felt like they needed to be done by a certain date or people were putting pressure on them that, you know, saying you should be past this, you should be, you know, doing this. And there's no end date to grief. Again, if you love, you're going to grieve. Okay. And people will ask, well, really, you know, how long? And one of the things that David Kessler will say, well, how long is your, is your loved one going to be gone? Right. So you're always grieving. It just starts to look different. Hopefully. The types of grief. How many people knew there are different types of grief? There is delayed grief. Disenfranchised grief, ambiguous grief, inconclusive grief, complicated, traumatic, mass, anticipatory grief, cumulative, and secondary loss. Delayed grief is grief that we don't feel in the moment because it's not safe or we're in survival mode. Disenfranchised grief is any grief we judge or we minimize. Ambiguous grief, grief that's hard to see. And inconclusive grief, there's nobody to grieve, there's no body to grieve, you know, that tends to breed like conspiracy theories. Complicated, when painful emotions of loss don't improve with time, they are so severe that you start having trouble carrying on with life, with your life. I talked about collective and public. Traumatic combines trauma and bereavement of grief responses. There's mass grief, grief that is presented in another way, and the resulting feeling is actually a response to grief. Anticipatory grief is grief that comes before, before a death. Cumulative, when someone experiences multiple losses during a short period, or unintended grief that builds up. And then there's secondary loss, and that's all the other losses that accompany grief. In addition to the primary emotional response. Everybody's grief is unique. I thought this was a great example. I recently lost my best friend of over 45 years. We've been friends since teenagers. And there's a picture of myself and, you know, the other ladies that are there that, you know, we had all very tight bond and, you know, very good friends. But all of our grief, we're different. Right? Everybody grieves different because we're all unique. And it was really interesting how we sat around, you know, as we sat around and we talked and, you know, text each other, you know, back and forth. Everybody had a different, you know, had a different, you know, of course, a feeling, a different thought, you know, how, what, how they were grieving, what they were doing. And so I want to remind you and say to you, and remember that your grief is unique. And how we grieve is based on religion, culture, and experience. We all lost the same person, right? But our grief is different. Some of us are going to move through it, you know, quickly. I mean, and that, that's okay. And some of us are going to stay in it for a little bit. And that's okay. One of my clients recently came in and she was talking to me that she's struggling with her daughter's choices. Her daughter struggles with, has mental health issues, and she's been in and outta prison and she's been going through that since she was a teenager. She also has some issues with drugs. And one of the things that she said to me, and I kind of found myself feeling the same thing about my friend, she said, I found myself grieving what could have been. Her daughter was brilliant, you know, very smart girl, was doing, you know, really well until she started to really struggle. And, you know, what this client was saying to me, you know, I saw her being homecoming queen, I saw her getting all the scholarships, I saw her going, you know, that's, that's what I saw in my mind. And now those things most likely are not going to happen for her. So we even grieve what could have been. OK? And I found that same thing with my friend just recently. I so much saw us partying and turning 60 together. That was the next milestone for us. We've been together since we were 14. So that was, you know, yeah. Just like we partied for the 50th, for the 55th, 60 was next, right? And man, it was going to be a party. I'm going to go back one more slide. OK. So most of us are all familiar, you know, most of— if you're not, you know, we automatically think when we think of grief, you know, just on a basis, you know, the 5 stages of grief. Right? How many have heard of the 5 stages of grief? Okay, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. David Kessler added a 6th one, the meaning. It's what you do after the loss and moving forward. Okay, but there is so much more to that, and it's not in any order. And most likely you're going to feel all of that. 'Cause if you love, you're gonna grieve. And it's all normal. The denial, the anger, all of that. No particular order. It's not linear. This is just a framework. There's so much more. Why am I not feeling better? Shouldn't I be moving on? Client who lost her mother during the pandemic. She came in to see me a month or two after her mom passed. She was feeling the pressure from other people. And I could hear she was driving. And, you know, very upset and just said, my friends, everybody tells me I just need to let go and move on. I was like, what? No. You have a right to grieve. There's no limit. Don't take on that pressure. Don't take on other people's beliefs on how you should grieve and what it looks like. Your life has changed. I said to her, your life has changed. Why are you not feeling better? Your life has changed. How could you be the same? Forever. Losing a parent, losing a child, that's one of the most traumatic things that you would— if, you know, unfortunately, and hopefully, you know, if you have experienced, you know that that was probably one of the most traumatic things that's ever happened in your life. Why would you not be different? I said to her, there's so much that's happening behind the scenes that we don't connect and recognize that is part of the grief process. And a lot of times there's not just that loss of the person or the, you know, or, you know, whatever event. There's a lot of things that can come along with that, right? If you lose a spouse and if your spouse was, you know, maybe the primary breadwinner, what's happened? There might be, you know, there's a change in income. You might have to look for another place to live, something cheaper. You might lose friends, especially, you know, if it was a divorce. Even that, that is going to be different. It's not only going to be the loss of that person or that change, it's going to be probably multiple losses that come along with it. And a lot of times we don't recognize that. We don't realize that. You grieve those things too. Life has changed. You should be different. Most likely life just turned upside down for you. Is there a right or wrong way to grieve? Absolutely not. Again, 2 years. They consider that to be early grief. Makes sense in some ways. I mean, you know, because think about it, if you've lost a loved one, and usually what, the first 30 to 60, 90 days is what, probably getting the word out to everybody, planning the services, you know, insurance documents, death certificates, whatever, whatever it is, you know, you, you're getting those things together, right? And people are surrounding you too, right? You're being surrounded by people. And about after 90 days, everybody's kind of moved on, right? And that sometimes is when it really kind of starts to sink in after everyone has kind of moved on. So, you know, those first 2 years, you know, you're doing a lot of adjusting, a lot of processing of what's happening. There's no time limit. So don't put the pressure on yourself. Don't allow anybody else to do that either for you. You will always grieve that loss. But hopefully in the future, you'll start to grieve with a little less pain and more love. You're gonna feel all the emotions, so be okay with that. Gonna have them all. I hear a lot about guilt and shame, and those are, you know, typically normal, and it's possible you'll experience that. Your loss is always the worst loss. Stop comparing or judging. I hear a lot of that too. You know, I'll have a client I'll say, I lost, you know, I lost my dad. And, you know, people have said, you know, well, he was 82 years old and, you know, he led a good life. And it's like, well, he was still my dad. He was a person. And that's not the dad that I always remember as 82 years old. You know, he was young once. He was running around with me once. He was full of life. He was, you know, and it's like, When someone says that, that's judging that person's grief, not allowing them to witness and giving them that opportunity to heal. That's judging. So we want to be careful as supporters, you know, if we have someone that we're supporting, that we're not judging how someone is grieving. A lot of times we don't know the backstory. And I've been, I've been there. I just, like I said, just recently when I lost my friend, that line, you know, people kind of thought, wow, it was a friend. Well, no. We've been friends since we were 14. We're like sisters, right? We did everything together. That's what you do with your best friend, right? You take— you share secrets. You know, the plan is you take that best friend oath, taking those secrets to the grave, right? Nobody knows this stuff. And I look, and I was like, oh my God, you know what? I don't know if I would have survived high school without her, and she felt the same way, you know. So it's like all those, all those things that people, they don't know that, you know. When you look back at our picture, her mom made all of our wedding dresses, our prom dresses, our bridesmaids' dresses. People don't know those things, but they're judging the grief, right? Because it's just a friend. And families look different now too, right? It's not always a blood connection. Right? They can be friends, you know, that are, that are your family. So let's be careful and, you know, same, same, you know, whatever the, whatever the loss is, let's be careful before we judge or compare. You know, if you've experienced a loss, it can be very tiring, right? Because you're having all the feelings. And emotions, and maybe you're even starting to isolate a little bit, and your heart is broken. And we tend to carry grief in our bodies too. We carry grief in our bodies just like we have, you know, the physical illnesses, you know, a lot— mental health, anxiety, depression, all those things we carry in our body. I just read an article recently about the brain, a neuroscience article. And so again, you know, the grief is in the heart, you know, but guess where else? Here, right here. And so the article talked about— it was an article in Psychology Today that talks about how when there's a loss, your brain has to totally rewire. And adjust to that loss because your brain has these expectations, right? You've been married for 25 years and you get a— you divorce or the person passes away, right? There are certain habits, right? There are certain behaviors. There are certain things, routines, right? Your brain is wired for all of those things. Your brain is wired for that spouse to walk through the door every day at 5 o'clock. You've got dinner on the table. Your brain is wired for that kiss good night. Your brain is wired for that snuggle at night. Your brain is wired for all of that. It's imprinted. All those things are imprinted in your brain during that relationship. And so when that person passes away, it can stop— especially if it's an abrupt— unexpected, your brain has to adjust, and that can be exhausting, right? Along with the heartbreak. So grief can be so exhausting. So witnessing grief, that is probably the key, and that is— that's a huge part of processing grief and loss. Is that witnessing. And that witnessing is acknowledging that loss, being okay with those emotions and those feelings, knowing that you're not doing it wrong or right, knowing that there's not a limit, you know, or time at the end of it. Also, maybe under, you know, also too knowing that Most of our feelings, when you think about the things that have happened and you think of the feelings and emotions that you've experienced with different events in your life, most of those emotions and feelings are not permanent, are they? No feeling is kind of ever permanent. It's giving yourself that permission, that permission to grieve. So it's important to witness that grief. And if you're someone that's supporting someone that is experiencing grief, your job is to just listen, not to try to fix, not to judge, not to compare. Just allow that person to be heard because that's mainly what people are looking for, right, to be heard. On the Facebook— when you see Facebook, when you see Instagram, right, you see people happy. Happy heavenly anniversary, happy heavenly birthday, happily— those are all kind of instances of people witnessing their grief. And people go, they give the hug sign, or I feel you, right? That's affirming that person and letting them know that you see them. That's them being OK witnessing their grief. So can you listen without judgment? So I'm giving everyone some permission to grieve. Give yourself some permission to grieve. Instead of that embracing the suck it up and driving on and trying to keep going, how about you pause and be OK? If you need to take more than the 3 or 4 days off that they give you for work and you have the time, be okay with that. Do that. Take care of yourself. I talked about our grief being witnessed. Seek community and those who are serving and helping, therapists, support groups. There's peer-to-peer groups, clergy. There's grief coaches. Spend time in nature. Add some faith, prayer, meditation in there. Can't say it enough. No wrong or right way to grieve. Do some journaling. It's okay to say no. If you have a lot of stuff that's going on, don't feel bad about saying no. Hey, I can't do this for a little while. I'm going to step back away from this activity for a minute. It's OK to take that time out. All right, so I am going to— we're going to do just a little bit more. I'm going to ground you just a little bit more. Here. And I want to take some questions. Anybody have any? Painful stuff, isn't it? OK. Right? I know. So guess what? Grief yoga is designed for anybody, everybody, OK? You could do it from the chair, which we're going to have an opportunity to do that tomorrow. I'm going to take you through a 15, 20-minute session of it. You don't have to get on the floor. You can be right in your chair. What you did in the beginning where you put your hand over your heart and closed your eyes, That was grief yoga. OK? And really, what it was— and what grief— really, grief yoga is a combination of movement, breath, sound, and for a few different styles of yoga. And it's to process all— everything that we're kind of carrying in our bodies. OK? Because depression, anxiety, frustration, you know, you're irritable, you're angry, you know, maybe you're asking the question, you know, why? All of that we're carrying in our bodies. All of that. And so it's not about healing, okay? It's not about that at all. It's not about letting go. It's about empowerment, some liberation, finding some peace. Maybe it's a little bit of a step forward for you in that grieving process, okay? And the video that I showed, the laughter, That's laughter yoga. Okay? And so we'll do a little bit of that tomorrow right here in the bunker. And so I'm just going to move on here. Let me get this last slide. Any other questions? Because I'm kind of trying to pay attention to my time. I don't want Shelley to get the hook on me. So grief is love with no place to go. Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Oh yeah. That's, you know, there's change in that, right? You're doing some different things. Even, and I should say, there's grief in even retirement. You know, as I said, there, there can be grief. It's a, you know, a good time unless maybe it's a, if it's a forced retire or even if it's a, even if you chose to retire, there can still be some grief in that, right? Because it's a change. You know, and sometimes if you haven't made plans or you're just not, you know, it can be like, okay, what's, what's next for me? You know, what, what does life look like now? You know, do you have to develop a new friend group? Maybe most of your friends were the people you worked with. You know, those connections. You've lost those. Maybe your income has changed too. Absolutely, yes. That comes up in my practice too. Things that you, you know, people will come in, clients will come in and they'll say, you know, the loss of this person brought up memories of, you know, maybe there was some type of unfinished business, maybe there was some trauma, you know, those types of— they can bring those things up, you know, back from childhood. Okay. And that's, you know, something to, you know, I've had to walk and process that, you know, walk with people through that also.