When the Path Disappears: Welcome to the Wilderness, Ep39 Hardcore and At Ease with Shelly Rood

These have been calibrated for a person navigating one hard thing at a time, maybe two. But you're over here running 3, 4, or 5 of them in parallel on a Tuesday. And the people in your life, the ones who care about you, the ones who are trying to help, they can look at all of this and say, oh, you've got a lot going on, like it's a scheduling problem. Like you could have opted out of some of this crap. Like there was a version of you where I could have just chosen less of this. This show is powered by Others Over Self. Hit that subscribe button to keep training your brain. From Others Over Self, it's Hardcore and At Ease, a show about people who are keeping their edge without going over the edge. I'm host Shelly Rood. The average person goes through 3 to 5 major disruptions across their lifetime, and we do that as ambitious people on a Tuesday. That's not a problem. That's just how we're wired. Today we're talking about why tools built for everyone else are not going to work for us and what to do instead. We've got a 5-criteria test that names exactly what terrain you're standing in so that you can stop dialing diagnosing yourself as the issue and start navigating the condition. This is Hardcore and At Ease. A new city, a new job, and a new television station. My 4-month-old is at home. My military uniform is hanging in my closet, and my former spouse is deployed overseas. I remember the weight of the car seat in one hand with a box of my desk items in the other one, walking into a building full of strangers, and they had no idea what it took me to get there. The air smelled like stale coffee and carpet cleaner. I set everything down and I got to work. Because that's what people like us do. We look at what's in front of us and we move. A few weeks into the new role, the news director who had hired me, he was fired, and his replacement started immediately. At his very first staff meeting, he stood in the dark studio and we were all organized around, half going up the stairs, and in front of his entire team, he broke down crying. He explained how much he missed his wife and his daughter. They hadn't moved there yet, and it had been a few days since he'd seen them. Something in me just went cold. I was standing across there, one of the people halfway up the steps. And you know what? I had a 4-month-old, my spouse was deployed, I was in a new city in a new role, and the man who was supposed to be leading me was falling apart over a long weekend away from home. I never let him fully lead me after that. And here's the part of that story that I've had to process for a long time: I wasn't being unfair to him. I was in terrain that he wasn't able to see. And he was in terrain that I didn't have any grace for at the time. We were both standing in conditions that had no name, and neither of us could read the other. A working relationship that could have been strong, it never recovered. We both were lost, and we just really didn't know it. So that's what I want to talk about today: not just what the wilderness is, but what it costs you when it goes unnamed. Now that you have a picture of what it looks like when two people are standing in unnamed terrain at the same time, let's talk about why this is happening in the first place. There's a researcher named Bruce Feiler who spent years studying what he calls lifequakes. These are massive disruptions that knock you off the path that you were on, and they put you somewhere new, somewhere disorienting, somewhere that you didn't choose or that you weren't trained for. A divorce, a job loss, a diagnosis or a death, a move that changes everything, a promotion that costs you more than what you had expected. Well, Feiler found that the average person experiences 3 to 5 of these across their entire lifetime. 3 to 5. And that most people, when they're inside of one, feel like their whole world has come apart. I want you to sit with that number just for a second. 3 to 5 over a lifetime. And now I want you to count yours, not from your whole life. Let's just maybe think about the last 3 years or so. A parent who got sick, a parent who is aging or maybe needs more from you than they used to, a parent that you lost, a major medical event could have been yours or someone that you love. What about a shift in household income? A job that's gone? A business that struggled? A financial hit that you didn't see coming? A relationship that ended? A marriage, a friendship, a partnership that you built something on? I'm already out of fingers on this hand. Did you do a move, a role change, a promotion that cost you more than what it paid? Keep going while you count them up over the last 3 years. Now, before I want to go further, I want to name something. Some of those things that you have just counted with me, you may not have even been allowing yourself to say them out loud. Words like divorce, single parent, mental health diagnosis, alcoholism, special needs child, cancer. These words carry weight that goes way beyond the situation itself. Society has spent decades attaching stigma, shame, and identity to them, and when you carry those labels, you don't just describe your terrain, they start to define you. They can chip away at your soul. Think about how many relationships have been torn apart, not by what happened, but just by the argument over what to call it. Was it an affair? An emotional affair, a betrayal, a mistake. People spend years in that fight, fighting over the definition instead of dealing with the explosion. And here's what we're not disputing in any of these conversations: the grenade went off. Everyone in the room felt it. The path changed. Whatever you call it, that part is not up for debate. So here's what we're gonna do. For the purposes of this work, we're saying goodbye to stigma. We're not going to call these situations by those names. We're simply going to call them grenades, because that's what they are. Something that hit your path. Maybe it obliterated it entirely. The specifics of what caused the explosion might matter for the treatment, for the therapy, or the clinical work that comes down the line, But for the navigation, for figuring out where you are and how to move, what matters right now is simply that a grenade landed. That's it. You don't have to have the full damage assessment done before you're allowed to start moving. You just have to acknowledge the explosion. Own it. Recognize it. And the rest comes in time. You, my ambitious friend, are not a diagnosis. You are not your divorce. You're not the hardest thing that's ever happened to you. You are a person navigating a battlefield, and grenades land on battlefields. That's not a character flaw. This is just terrain. The number that you came up with counting with me, well, that's not drama, and it might not even be your fault. Probably isn't your fault. This isn't evidence that something is wrong with you or that you've made bad decisions or that you attract chaos. This what it looks like to be an ambitious person with a deep moral code operating in terrain that most frameworks weren't designed to account for. And if you've served in the military, if you came up in a culture that trained you to keep moving no matter what the terrain was doing, then you know this more acutely than most. Here's what we're not really saying out loud: the solutions that exist for everyone else typically are built on a 3 to 5 across a lifetime assumption. There's therapy models and framework leaderships, relationship advice, self-help books. It's exhausting. And then what I have seen is that these have been calibrated for a person navigating one hard thing at a time, maybe two, but you're over here running 3, 4, or 5 of them in parallel. On a Tuesday. And the people in your life, the ones who care about you, the ones who are trying to help, they can look at all of this and say, well, you've got a lot going on, like it's a scheduling problem, like you could have opted out of some of this crap, like there was a version of you where I could have just chosen less of this. Here's what those onlookers aren't understanding. What most frameworks that are built for other people, what they don't see, we're not here by accident. Stepping back means that someone else has to absorb the impact. And that's not a choice that we take lightly. That's the price of a deep moral code. That's the cost of putting others over self. And most of us pay it without thinking twice. The alternative is watching someone else carry what we know that we can carry better. And this isn't drama. This is who we are. The problem is that who we are has terrain, and the terrain doesn't come with a map. So let's build one. Here's how we name what you're standing in. Christopher Lockhead is the godfather of category design. He's been kicked off LinkedIn, um, 6, 7 times now. Category design is the discipline of creating entirely new market categories rather than choosing to compete inside existing ones. He is one of the most cited thinkers in modern business strategy, and his work has fundamentally shaped how we build everything at Mission Ambition. He has said this: whoever names the problem owns the problem. That line rewired something in me when I first heard it. I had been living inside of conditions that had no name. I could feel them and I was being shaped by them, but I didn't have words for what was happening with my work. And without words, I didn't have an anchor. I kept self-diagnosing myself as the problem. A lot of people have said over the years, Shelly, you've got a lot going on. Shelly, you're a lot to deal with. And you know what? That ends today. We're going to name the terrain because once we name the terrain, 3 things happen. First, you get your bearings in what's happening right now. You can look back and finally make sense of what you've already been through. And as you move forward, you develop the eyes to read the terrain that you're headed into. It's not because we want to avoid it necessarily, but we want to be able to move through it without losing ourself. The present, the past, and the future. This framework works in all 3 directions. So here's the definition: a wilderness is any situation where at least 3 out of the following 5 things are true. 1, there's no name for what you're in. You can feel it, but you can't say it. You don't have language that fits. 2. No training manual exists. Nobody handed you the course material for this. You're just building the plane while you fly it. 3. Both options cost you. This is the double bind. If you step forward, you pay a cost. If you stand still, you pay a different cost. You speak up and you lose ground. You stay quiet and you go invisible. There's no clean option with the double bind. 4. The skills that earned you credibility are now working against you. The thing that made you effective is the thing that's making this terrain harder. Discipline can read as being unavailable to others. Competence can read as not needing help from others. The formation reflex that kept you upright under pressure is now keeping you from asking what you need. Your strongest move keeps backfiring. And number 5: the longer that you try the old ways, the worst that it gets. Out of those 5, 3 or more is the test. 3 or more means that you are not failing, my friend. You are simply in wilderness. And now that you have the definition, here's the part that most people miss. This is very important. The wilderness is not a phase. It's not a bad season of life that you just need to get through. The wilderness is an operating condition. It travels with you. The zip code changes, but the condition doesn't. And that's why the same pattern keeps showing up for us in different contexts, different jobs, different relationships. Shelly, you're not repeating mistakes, you're just walking into the same terrain over and over again. And you didn't have a map. So the map is what we're building. Let's look at what it costs you when you don't have that map. I want to go back to that news director that we started today's episode talking about. He wasn't weak, and I do want to be clear about that, because at the time I wasn't clear about that. He had a grenade hit his path. It was a real one. It was the disorientation of a new role. He was in a new city with a new team. And his family hadn't come with him yet. That is a legitimately hard thing to work through. But he walked into a room full of people who were running multiples, and he had no language for what any of us were standing in, including himself. He couldn't name his own terrain, so he couldn't read anyone else's. And I couldn't read his either, because I had no grace for a single grenade from where I was standing with multiples going off around me. So one grenade, well, that looked like nothing. And that wasn't me being kind, I know that. But losing kindness is what can happen when the terrain goes unnamed on both sides. And this underscored conflict showed up in everything. He had this 10-year vision for what we were building as a TV station, and I could see how to get there in just 2 years. And how to do it in a way that didn't grind my team into the ground along the way. So we weren't fighting about the destination, we were fighting about the pace and the method and what we were willing to spend to get there. On one day it did come to a head over a scheduling conflict between our show production times and our crew. He wanted a simple answer. He just wanted to say, Shelly, option A or option B, pick one. But I couldn't, because the only honest answer that I could give him sounded like algebra. No, I can't give you one name for who works that shift for the next 6 months, because there isn't one person. In order to meet the budget requirements, my production crew was running split shifts. They had to take unpaid leave in between the shows. So his answer was not a name, it was a formula. And he heard that as combative. And I heard his demand for the simple answer as meaningless, or at best, like he was trying to force me to just lie to him to make things better. You see, demanding a simple answer is very easy when you are on the outside looking in. It feels reasonable from there. But reasonable from the outside and accurate from the inside are two different things entirely. He wasn't navigating the terrain, he was just judging it. And when someone outside the wilderness judges the answers that are coming from inside of it, true human connection cannot happen. You're not having a disagreement, you're speaking two different languages, one telling the other one what to do, and neither one is actually positioned to guide the other one. Now, that working relationship ended on his terms, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because you cannot reach the levels that you know you're capable of when the person holding the map doesn't believe that the destination exists. Some exits are gifts, and that one was. Now let's look at this another way, because the outside-in advice problem isn't unique just to leadership. You've seen it everywhere. They say sleep when the baby sleeps. On paper, sure, rest is important, but when the mother is sleeping, the bottles aren't getting washed and the clothes aren't getting cleaned and the older child isn't being seen. So the advice isn't wrong in theory, it's just built for a world that doesn't exist in her reality right now. And when you're the one that's inside the terrain being handed advice that's calibrated from the outside, It doesn't just miss, it isolates us further. Now there's a reason that serious climbers don't take on the mountain without a Sherpa. Strength isn't the issue and skills can be taught, but the person who has already walked that specific terrain in those specific conditions, they have information that no amount of outside observation can replicate. The wilderness requires someone who has been in it, not someone watching it from base camp calling up suggestions. And so looking straight ahead also means learning to block out noise. Not every voice is a useful voice. The well-intentioned advice from somebody who's never stood where you're standing, it isn't Intelligence. It's static. And you don't have to be rude about it when you hear it. You just have to know which direction your compass is pointing in and hold straight to it. And here's the thing that I want you to carry out of this segment. It's the counterweight to everything that I just said. You are not alone in this. You might feel like you are, because the wilderness is very good at producing that feeling. No map, no manual, no one who seems to understand, advice that always lands wrong, a working world that keeps asking you for simple answers but they are complicated questions. That combination will make you feel like you are the first person who has ever stood in this specific terrain, and you are not. There's no wilderness that you will walk into where another human being, somewhere in the history of the world, has not stood before you. Not someone exactly like you, not someone with your specific combination of terrain, but someone who has felt that double bind. Someone who has tried the old skills and watched them backfire, Someone who kept going anyway without a name for what they were doing. For those of you that have served in the military or as a first responder, that person can be closer than you think. She might be in your branch or in your unit, your transition, your neighborhood. Maybe she just doesn't have the language for this either. And so here's where a lot of us get stuck. We spend so much time and energy trying to prove that our terrain is real. To the person who keeps asking for simple answers, to the people in our lives who are just calling it drama, to ourselves on the hard days, we tend to go into one of two directions: we get really, really loud or we go completely quiet. We either fight to be seen or we disappear entirely, and neither one produces a map. The energy that you're spending on your reaction to others is energy that you need for your reaction to yourself. What is directly in front of you right now in this terrain It matters more than whether somebody standing on the outside finally understands it. They may never understand it. Think about what it would take to explain the need for better women's healthcare in the VA to somebody who doesn't even believe that women should be serving in the military in the first place. That conversation has no floor. There is no argument. There's no evidence. There's no lived experience. You can't offer anything that will actually land. You're not speaking to somebody who's missing information. You're speaking to somebody who's already decided. And every round of that fight is around that you're not spending on what's actually in front of you. Now, this is a skill, recognizing those conversations before you walk into them, stopping yourself before you spend what you cannot afford to spend. It doesn't matter who's right. I know that's a really hard statement to hear. It doesn't matter who is right. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his life to the moral arc of this country. The formal designation of terrorist organizations in the United States exists in law, and the KKK still exists. Rightness does not dissolve resistance. And when you are in wilderness, it is not your job to single-handedly shoulder the moral reformation of anyone who has already decided. Your job is much narrower than that, and more important, your job is to know where you are. To know how to move. To simply take that next step. That is it. That is the whole thing. Proverbs 29 puts it this way: A fool gives vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. This is not passivity, it's precision. You're not holding back out of fear. You're holding back because you know where your energy belongs. And here's what I want you to sit with just for a moment. —because this is bigger than you. Imagine if every person navigating a grenade on their path made this shift, stopped spending what they cannot afford on arguments that have no floor. What if we all redirected that energy toward what's actually in front of us and moved through our terrain with clarity and building instead of just burning ourselves in place? Entire systems would shift, and not because somebody won an argument, but because enough people stopped waiting to be understood and started moving. And something else happens when people begin to move with that kind of intention. Those who have been carrying less start to notice the weight that others are bearing. And sometimes when the burden is visible, And the carrier is dignified, the goodness in people stirs, neighbors show up, and the load gets shared. That is how human beings are designed to work at their best. Others over self, not as a slogan, but as a natural response to seeing someone navigate hard terrain with grace. Self-awareness is not just knowing your pattern, it's knowing that you are not the first. That knowledge is not comfort language, it's intelligence. It changes how you stand in the terrain. It changes what you're willing to ask for. It changes what you're willing to receive. When you're ready to let someone in, let that be the kind of person who has walked the wilderness also. Someone who knows what it costs. Someone who doesn't need to explain why the answer sounds like algebra, That's where we start. And now that you know what the wilderness is and what it costs when it goes unnamed, and that you're not the first person to stand in it, here's what you do with that. Step 1 is to simply name a wilderness. Present or past, pick one. Run that 5-criteria test. No name for it, no manual, both choices cost you. The skills that earned you credibility backfired? Or the longer you try the old way, the worse it gets? Count how many of those are true, and 3 out of the 5? Man, congratulations, you made it into the wilderness. Name your wilderness out loud. Just say, I'm in the wilderness. Man, that grenade just dropped. Write it down if you need to. Being able to name it is not a small move. It's a significant first move. Now, step 2 is to look directly at what's in front of you, not what's around you. A former special agent shared this advice with me: when a bomb goes off, the first instinct is to just spin around and take in everything at once. But the trained response is the opposite. Look at what's directly in front of you. Control what's controllable before you try to read the whole landscape. What is one thing that's directly in front of you in the situation that you just named? Let's start there. And step 3 is to name your cost, not to your output, but to you. I'm not talking about mission performance. I'm not talking about your productivity. What's the cost to you? To your identity, to your relationships, to your sense of where you are. Naming the cost is not complaining. It's intelligence gathering, because you can't address what you haven't measured. And finally, step 4 is to know your movement pattern. The wilderness names the terrain that you're in. And for my women veterans, we have a wildflower assessment that gives you your pattern. For moving through it. Those two things together are how you answer that question, what now? And the assessment shows us here's how. If you're a woman veteran and you haven't taken the Wildflower Assessment yet, then that's your next step. And I'll teach you how to do that soon. It doesn't change the terrain. When we start talking about the how, it doesn't change the terrain. But when you know how, then it does change the decisions that you're making inside the terrain. And so now that you have the test of the wilderness, the first move, and the next steps, we're going to land this episode today. Here's what I want you to leave with: the wilderness is real. It is nameable. It is not a reflection of your capability. What you now have is the definition. A real one for what you've been navigating. You have the criteria, you have the test, and you have the first move. So here's what shifts when you use it: you're going to stop spending energy on a diagnosis that doesn't fit, you're going to stop reading hostile terrain as evidence that something is wrong with you, and you're going to start reading it as a condition that requires a different kind of navigation. You move forward one step, one named terrain, one compass check at a time without losing yourself in the process, because she who names, frames, and claims the problem wins. Thank you, Christopher Lockhead, for teaching us. This framework was built for anyone who runs parallel terrain and keeps wondering why the standard playbook is not fitting. If you've served in the military, if you've been living in this operating condition longer than most, if you've got 3, 4, 5 lifequakes happening simultaneously, you just didn't have a name for it yet. And now you do. And the name is where everything starts. We're at the beginning of a series and you've got the foundation today, the definition, the test, and the first move. So coming up, you're going to see us go inside specific types of wilderness, and we're going to get into these different terrains themselves. The work starts with what we did today— naming— and the navigation starts in a few weeks. So until then, I want you to keep your edge, do not go over it. That is the standard and the mission for what we do here at Hardcore in Eddies. If this episode landed for you, come and join the conversation at join.othersofherself.com, because that's where we keep talking. And if you're a woman veteran, this content was written with you specifically in mind today. I write every week on Substack at Mission Wildflower. Every week you'll find writings on the specific types of wilderness that we navigate and what it looks like to live a full, good life as a woman who has served. You can subscribe there at shellyrood.substack.com. It's complimentary to follow, or you can upgrade to a paid subscription and follow the Wilderness Series in depth. Well, I'm your host, Shelly Rood. Thank you for your time and attention today. This has been Hardcore and at Ease, and just like every week, I will see you again next Tuesday. Until then, stay hardcore. Core. Be at ease and trust the process. You're listening to Hardcore and At Ease. Keep the conversation going at join.othersoverself.com.