Divorce Isn't a Failure. It's a Turning Point. — with Becky Swanson

Well, most women who are going through divorce are focused on surviving it. Becky Swanson is my guest today on Icons of Influence, and she's focused on something else entirely, which is making sure that they don't walk away from the table leaving six figures on the floor. And so my guest today is Becky Swanson. I've had the pleasure and the privilege of knowing her personally. She is part of our Icon Maker community and when, you know, as we're building out the thing that she's, uh, serving people with and, and also looking at her own experience after having done this for many, many years, I knew I just wanted to give her a platform to share what she's doing and how she's influencing, uh, this navigation really of divorce. So Becky, great to have you on the show today.

I am delighted to be here.

Thank you. Yeah, you're a certified divorce coach in Minnesota. Just tell us a little bit about like what that What does that mean? What was the journey to getting you sitting in this seat today?

Yeah, well, the certification is actually, uh, is under the International Coaching Federation. So it aligns, um, with their practices, their ethics, their rules, and all that sort of thing as far as hours and, you know, being qualified to coach, which is different than many other listening modalities, right? It's different than therapy, it's different than pastoral care, it's different than a caring friend. Um, and I pursued that certification. I had been an ICF certified coach for about 9 years when I heard about this program, um, and I immediately thought, oh, That's where my heart and expertise really lies.

Well, what was it about it that drew you to this specific type of coaching, divorce coaching?

When I went through my divorce about 20, well, about 20 years ago now, I didn't know anything about, I don't think divorce coaching actually existed as a discipline. Yet. And what I really needed was someone that could be a neutral third-party listener, someone who could help me sort out from all the options and all the advice friends and family were giving me what was right for me, and to think through what the potential ramifications were. You know, those unintended consequences. You feel like this is the way to go, but then you realize, oh, 'that wasn't a great way to go. I could have done this instead.' Um, and that if I'd had someone to walk with me through my divorce, first of all, I think we could have done it, um, with even less animosity and, uh, conflict towards one another. I know I would have, um, been gone through it with less, I wanna say the first word that comes to mind is damage, trauma, emotional turmoil, right? But I also know that there were a few moments in my divorce where I left money on the table because I didn't know what the questions meant. I didn't know what the ramifications were. And it cost me, it cost me a lot.

And that's what I wanna dig into. This is what I wanna dig into because, that's what you're helping women with kids. I think that it's primarily who you're serving, right? Is navigating that process so that they are able to set themselves up or continue to be set up properly and financially going forward despite this event, that this life turning event that's happening. So costs, you know, I think about therapists, lawyers. I mean, there's so many people involved. I've not personally ever gone through divorce. Um, but so many people are involved in the process. So talk to me about the bottom line, the money angle of this and how someone can navigate the financial aspect.

I'm, yeah, I'm so glad you asked because this is one of the biggest worries for women going through a divorce, especially if they have kids, about how am I going to live after this? And I was just talking to a client the other day. Um, who said, you know, every time I go into my attorney's office, they ask me how I'm doing, and I just spill my guts and tell them how I'm doing, and then I get a bill for— and she hasn't even gotten to the point of really being able to, like, the first step, and she's already racked up over $10,000 in attorney's fees. And I'm not saying that attorneys are doing this in some sort of an unethical way at all. I know many family attorneys who are very, very compassionate and care, really care about their clients. But if you're paying your attorney to listen to the story and unpack the story, you're paying too much. Um, so that's one thing, that's one big thing when you work with me or any divorce coach, really, you are able to work through the story without that high price tag, which saves money right out of the gate, right out of the gate, right out of the gate. The other thing is that we— I take a very hands-on, not hands-on, but I help women get back into being the boss of their own money. So many of us, and, and this is true, I think, in a lot of relationships, we divide and conquer the, the tasks of the, of the relationship. But if you are not actually engaged in where your money is, how it's being used, how it's being taken care of, how it's being invested, then you are at risk. And even for families that aren't high income, um, you need to figure out where that is and protect it. Uh, there are way too many people that come to me after the bank account has been cleaned out, um, and it doesn't take much to just make sure that you have passwords and things like that. But the other thing is, is to ensure that you understand how a budget works, right? So there's all these, all these things that, that are not isolated. So we talk about, do you really wanna keep the house? Have you, you know what the bu— what the budget is for the mortgage, but there's a lot more to an expense of a house, right? Than just the mortgage. And, you know, what is your plan for retirement? And what have you been doing, the two of you, up until now? And I'm not gonna— I can't give and won't give legal advice, um, but for women who are just wanting to have it be over, so many times they sign away the fair share of assets, whether that's businesses or investments or retirement funds or properties, because they want it to get over and it doesn't serve them.

It sounds like it's really oversight in the process where you're not Again, you said, yeah, I'm not giving legal advice. And so, but you're taking, you're taking hold of a different angle of this process. Yeah. And what I love about what you just said is the financial control, right, over your own destiny in that process. And yeah, you find that most of the women that you work with are women who in their relationship that's now coming to an end really gave control to the spouse on the financial side, and they're not necessarily as involved or haven't been as involved?

Yeah, a lot of my clients are like that. And even the ones that they were the ones that were in charge of paying the day-to-day, month-to-month bills, they were unaware of other financial instruments that were part of their family assets. And so I also, I work closely with other divorce professionals, right? I'm not a financial advisor either, any more than I am a family law attorney. But I have, I know people. And so I help these women get, build a team that they need, right? And yeah, again, now we're talking about paying someone else, but then it's the cost. It's the cost-benefit, right? You pay some to get the advice and for somebody to go and do the investigating, and your return, it's so easy to get a 6-figure return.

It just, it, but it's, it's easy to get the 6-figure return if you know what to do and where to look.

If, if you know what to do, if you know where to look, and if you know, if you strategize and are if you are considered by the attorneys, by the court, as credible when you ask.

That's, that's key, right? I think that's the key thing is how do you— again, when you're— if you're going— whether you are on the way toward divorce, you're going through it right now, you want to really put together a team of people that are going to have your best interest at heart. That are going to be able to strategize, like you mentioned, strategize with you so that you don't lose your shirt in the process and that you get to be able to be financially stable or, you know, on the, on the backside of it all. And you mentioned about connections. I think that's really one of the key things, you know, someone like yourself who knows people that you could say, hey, I got a guy. I come with a group of people that we know, like, that are already vetted. And I think that's a key thing as well.

I do too. And I never just advise people, you know, I don't say, here's the person you should talk to, 'cause that's, right? I always give them a list and say, these people I trust, you call them up and talk to them and see what you feel. And if none of those seem like a fit, we'll strategize on how to find someone who is, but you need someone in this role or that role. And that's true not just for the business part of divorce that we've been talking about, the finances and the dissolution of the marriage contract essentially, but also on the side of parenting, co-parenting, which you will be doing for the rest of your life. You don't get to not be a parent anymore and you have to do it now at in partnership with someone else who doesn't get to be a parent, doesn't get to not be a parent, and there it, it works differently. And so depending on the situation, uh, I have, you know, parenting, um, neutrals who help negotiate that if, if that, if it comes to that. Sometimes you also need the big guns, as I call it, a guardian ad litem. You know, those are, those are very stressful situations when children are at some risk as far as in the eyes of the court, and how to, how to work with an ad litem, guardian ad litem, and how to work with your parenting coach in the best way so that you can work with your co-parent in a way that keeps your children's best interests in the, in the center of, of what is now your new relationship with your ex, and not using them as pawns in the middle of your relationship with your now ex. And this part, this part starts even, even before the family law attorneys are, are engaged, sometimes before they reach out to me, because that needs to be at least partially negotiated even when you separate, right? When you start living in two different houses or domiciles, you need to negotiate how you are both gonna still be parents. And boy oh boy, is that not the right time to be negotiating calmly and with equanimity. Bad timing. Yeah, it's bad timing because everybody's wound up, right? So if you can do that with an advocate for you and your children, one or two advocates, then you have a much better chance of kicking this whole process off in as healthful a way as possible.

I know that you believe that divorce is not a failure, but it's rather a turning point. You've really indicated that in this short interview today. It is a turning point. It's one that can be navigated. You do wanna be thinking about having the right team on your side as you do so. And that is one of the gaps that you fill specifically for women with children who are going through divorce. And so I wanted to just mention that if you're listening to this, if you know someone who's navigating divorce and needs a guide like Becky, right? To bring clarity to that chaos. That you can find Becky at beckyswanson.com. Reach out to her, she'd be, you'd be happy to have a conversation, I'm sure. Yeah, absolutely. And discuss, you know, what is your situation and how can I help? Is there anything you'd like to share in ending today in terms of, you know, someone who's listening who's saying, oh man, I'm going through a really stressful time in my life right now?

Yeah, I think the main thing that I, I also want people to know is that no matter where you are in the process, from wondering to being close to the end, and if you are feeling stress and overwhelm and conflict in your being, if things are not going well, a coach can help you. I can help you. It doesn't have to be, "Oh well, I didn't call you last month when I filed, so it's too late now." Divorce is a process, and even if you've been through it before and are approaching it again, it's going to be different. And having a guide, a neutral third party who's got your back, I think makes all the difference.

I love it. Thank you so much, Becky. This is great. I appreciate you coming on Icons of Influence today to talk about this important topic, and I look forward to connecting with you in our Slack community.

Yeah. Thanks, Cheryl.

Shortly. So appreciate it. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Bye-bye.