EP 93 - 3 Reasons Why You're Still People Pleasing

Are you a people pleaser? Well then, this episode is for you. I'm going to break down 3 reasons why you are still people pleasing and give you tools to rewire your nervous system to overcome it. If you're ready, let's begin. Are you ready to shine? Come on, it's the shiny one. You got this. My dear shiny mind, you who's watching, may I invite you to hit that subscribe button, This way, you and I are going to become partners in shine and elevate the consciousness in the world. Thank you so much in advance, and I'll see you inside. Welcome to the Shiny Minds Show with Dr. Shiny. I am Dr. Shiny Buju Unsal, the proud founder of the Academy of NeuroShine Technology, ICF Master Certified Coach, a distinguished coach educator. I have been teaching and certifying NLP practitioners and master practitioners since 2011, and I also have been designing and teaching leadership communication strategies and emotional intelligence classes as a faculty member at UCLA Extension. So far, I have done more than 9,500 hours of teaching, and then I have students who graduated from my classes in more than 55 countries. As the founder of my own academy, which is globally accredited by the International Coaching Federation, my NeuroShine Technology is a double-accredited program that gives you tools, teaches you how to think, gives you incredibly practical strategies to overcome your everyday conflicts and relationship issues so that you can actually become first your own self-coach, and second, if you want to pursue the professional path, you can actually become a world-class elite ICF credentialed coach, and you can actually build yourself a career as a professional coach and build a coaching business. That's what I can help you with, and that's why I created my academy in was used to call Believe in You. And in time, as I named my own methodology as Neuroshine Technology, I turned the name into the Academy of Neuroshine Technology. Why am I telling you all of those things? Because those are the reasons why you can listen to me and learn from me. I have transformed thousands of lives Including myself, my own mother, after the age of 60. That is not an easy task to do. If any one of you is watching me and thinking, oh, come on, Dr. Shiny, I am over 60. What are you gonna tell me? How can I change anything about me? I am who I am. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I am not going to be convinced because I have proof. I have evidence. If you really truly want to become your best self, there is no age limit for that. You can talk to my mother and then she can tell you all about her experience for the past 15 years, how she started at a place where she was miserable, complaining, absolutely in a victim mindset, and now she can tell you about all the spiritual practices, all the powerful mindset tools, how she catches herself, how she is in control of her thoughts and her emotions, and she can even actually guide you to even ascend spiritually, soulfully. So if I am able to do that to my own mother after she was over 60, and she is 73 right now, I have Nothing. I have nothing holding me back. I know it works. It is just a co-creation together. I have this formula of change: change equals awareness multiplied by willingness. I bring the awareness, you bring the willingness, and together we create the change that you want in your life. And now we can start talking about people pleasing. Why Because I am a recovering people pleaser myself, and this topic is very dear to my heart because it is me and my journey. And if you are anything like me, you love putting a smile on people's faces. You love making them happy. You love being useful and helpful, don't you? You, you do, right? I know you because I know how it is To be a recovering people pleaser. People pleasing is not a bad thing at the core of it. The nature of it is absolutely pure magic and innocent and absolutely wonderful for the world that we are creating. The only point that you and I, we need to sit down and talk about is where It actually crosses the line and it literally destroys any boundaries that we need to keep for ourselves. And that's why I'm gonna talk about 3 reasons why you might still be people pleasing and how you can overcome it. You can rewire all those cute neurons of yours with empowerment, with authenticity, and with your truth. So let's begin. Reason number 1: your environment forces it. What do I mean by that? You live in a society, in a country, in a community where you have expectations from the outside world, the external society, where that society has non-spoken, unverbal, unwritten agreements But those agreements are so emotionally forceful that you feel it, and because you are conditioned to act like that, to deliver based on those expectations, you don't ever question it, you just do it, and perhaps you're not even aware of it. Can you relate? I know you can because that was the case for me until I realized that I was people pleasing to an extent That I was betraying myself. I was betraying my own truth. I was betraying my own value. I was betraying my self-love. I don't want that for you. I don't want that for us. That is never a good idea. We cannot build healthy, happy, and joyful societies based on the false expectations of others where we keep betraying our soul. That's not the world that I want to live in. That is not what I want for humanity, and this is not where we are going in 2027. For that reason, I want to point out some specific examples where you catch yourself literally trying to seek external validation because you are conditioned. Your environment forces it on you. It is an invisible feeling. You cannot really put your finger on something tangible, but you feel it. It's almost like this Energetical wave around you, and it literally makes you feel uncomfortable if you don't. Let's talk about it. How I had it when I was living in Istanbul, when I was married. I was playing the game of marriage at that time. That was fun, you know, it was useful for that purpose. I remember I was expected to go see the parents of my ex-husband. Why? It's expected, like it's an expectation. Right? So your environment, your culture, wherever you are, it's just this unspoken, non-spoken expectation, right? So there are holidays that you're expected to go see somebody and to go pay a visit. There are certain things that you do because of the family expectations. It's just the conditioning. And I did it, although I hated it. I didn't like it. There was this energetical heaviness around me. I didn't like it. I didn't feel good the moment I stepped in that environment, but I still did it. Why? Because it was expected. So ask yourself where in your life you are forcing yourself because it is expected from you. It is not your choice. It's expected, and you never questioned it. You never dared to say, no, I don't want it. That's where it begins. That's how you know the environment is forcing you. You know what I did for years and years and years and years? I played that game. I went, I got my flowers, and then I went. I went there and I sat. It was so surface level. I was just so lying to myself, and it was nothing real about it because I didn't connect with them. I just didn't. I felt judged no matter what I did. It was never enough. Is it hitting you? Is somebody Telling me that, oh my God, this is me. I hear you. I've been there. That's why I'm telling you. How much longer are you going to tolerate that? What has to happen in your life to finally say, never again? Why are you tolerating that? Why are we tolerating that? Why are you betraying your own self-worth, your own value, just to please somebody else, just because it is expected? It's called people pleasing. And because it is in your environment, it is still expected from you. You kind of like do it, you don't question it. Well, I just pointed out the elephant in the room. Now you know it. You don't have to do the things that other people want from you. You don't have to deliver to a society where it doesn't appreciate your truth. Now I know it takes a lot, and it takes a high level of strength, inner strength, courage, and self-worth To put your hand on the table and say, no, I am not going to do this game anymore because I am not feeling seen, heard, appreciated. I don't even feel safe not doing that. Can you say that? Can you do that? This is exactly where it begins. The second reason why you might be still people pleasing is because your fear hides your truth. How do I know that? I've done that. How many years have I done that? long enough to feel the pain and to learn that it's not worth it, and to see it in thousands of other people, all the patterns, and recognize the patterns, and to come here and tell you it's not worth it. It is not worth it. Listen, your brain is a very old organ, and it is designed to protect you. It is designed to make you survive. Survival requires Fear. Survival requires fight and flight function of the amygdala. Amygdala in a part of your brain is going to do whatever it takes to make you survive, including in your conversations and dinner parties with your friends and in-laws. Okay, I've had that. When there is something that you want to say, if you ever felt like something is sitting on your throat and something is literally Like blocking your voice, that's people pleasing. That is fear blocking your voice. That is fear hiding your truth. I never ever want to live in a society where we are fake, when we are looking at each other's eyes and we are telling lies. I do not want to live in that world. Please do not lie to yourself. If you lie to yourself, you lie to others. Do you know why you lie to yourself? Amygdala does that. It's not your fault, it's your default. I understand, I've done it, I've played that game. Not worth it. Your self-worth, your self-respect, your self-love is priceless. Nothing in the world is more precious than owning your truth, owning your values. So I understand when you are in an argument, when you want to say something, You hold it. That's self-regulation. You are pressing it because you know it's not the right thing to say. That I get. That is not the context I'm talking about. I am talking about a place where you know deep in your gut, in your subatomic particles, that whatever is being done to you is not just, it's not fair, and then you're still not speaking up. I'm talking about those situations, okay? Those are very different situations, and that's why I have been teaching emotional intelligence, because it takes education and training and clarity to see these 2 different scenarios. One is where you are actually masterfully self-regulating your negative emotions and then filtering out every negative word so that they don't come out of your mouth. And in the other situation, you know that people are doing something and saying something, and that is not okay because it is attacking your value, it's attacking your truth, and then you're still not speaking up. You're still allowing them to do that to you. You know what you are accepting in that moment? In addition to letting fear hide your truth, you're also enabling other people to stay unaware, to stay stuck, in their own loops and not overcome their own challenges in their relationships. It's their challenge in that relationship with you. Have you done anything about it? You have not. Do you have the courage to do something about it? You do not. So then my question is, why are you expecting others to have the courage to do something about it? If you don't have it, then you don't give it. That's exactly what we're talking about here. And I want you to ask yourself, Where in my life fear is hiding my truth? And what am I ready to do something about it? The 3rd reason why you might still be people pleasing, dear beautiful soul, dear shiny mind, because you are never ever held deeply to transform your wound about it. Mm-hmm. We do have a wound. Mine started when I was 9 years old. I remember the conversation I had with my daddy. It was just a breakfast conversation that shaped My entire life. When I told him that he was not perfect, he couldn't take it. He couldn't take it. He couldn't face his shadows, and I was just being a little kid. That conversation shaped our relationship with my dad for the rest of my life, and that's even the reason why I'm here right in front of you doing this show, sharing my truth, because I learned at a very young age that sharing my truth was painful. was going to cost me. It was going to give me this silent treatment. I was going to feel punished because I was going to be punished with that silent treatment, with that— it's deep. There was a loop, there was a cycle, there was a pattern that I couldn't break. I had to learn it. I had to overcome it. It took me an entire lifetime. I'm 47 and a half today. I can tell you that I still have my people-pleasing part that I now Love a lot because she has boundaries. She finally has boundaries. She's still learning every day. I adore her because she's only 9 years old. She's only 9. She didn't know any better. She didn't know any tools from NeuroShine Technology. Only in her future she was going to go create them because she knew she needed them so much. Give love to yourself. It's okay. Hug that part of you. Enough with the judgments. Enough with all that. Inner critic, enough with the self-betrayal. It's okay. We have all the wounds. Yeah, he said that, she said that, my mom did that, my dad did that, and then my sibling did this, and then my teacher did that. Let's grow up. In order for us to grow up and hug that part of us inside of us, do you know what we need? We need to be held. We need to be held deeply by someone who knows how to hold you, and that's a coach. That's a NeuroShine technology coach. And we are here for you. I know how to do it. I've done it to myself, to thousands of other people, to my mom. I'm not going to be people pleasing though. I'm going to be talking to that part of you who knows deep down what to do because it's time. It's time. If you also feel it's time and if you want to be held deeply to transform your wounds, your wound of people pleasing, because it's costing you and you're ready to transform it, then I'm going to invite you to my very First, Shiny Minds Show live on Zoom. All these years you have been watching this show on YouTube. I am bringing it to Zoom for the first time. I am actually going to be coaching you live on Zoom from November 9th to the 13th, 5 days in a row. Yes, 5 days in a row from 12 PM to 2 PM Eastern Standard Time. The first hour I teach, you listen, you take notes. The second hour I coach, you unmute your mic, you get the mic on, you get the stage, you talk, you share your problems, you tell me what's going on, and I coach. I ask you my deepest questions, my transformational questions. I bring metaphysics, quantum physics, I bring emotional intelligence, I bring neuroscience, I bring heart science, I bring cosmology. We go galactic. I bring all my tools, My strategies and my heart and my world-class elite faculty of ICF coaches, Neuroshine Technology coaches. They are also going to be there holding you, coaching you to transform you. If you want to know more, click the link below and also about, and I will see you inside. Go galactic, go galactic, then you're in the right place. Let's go, let's go.