Kingsley Aikins argues listening is the most important networking skill, not talking about yourself. He shares early mistakes of self-promotion, cites Dale Carnegie, and teaches concrete techniques: ask open questions, watch body language, summarize what you hear, and sit with silence.
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Early in my career, I had a major failing. I didn't realize that the single most important skill in networking was to be a great listener. The ability to master paying attention. Networking is all about giving, and the most generous thing you can give another person is your full and undivided focus. Rapt attention is a profound act of generosity. I felt I had to take the opportunity of having a conversation with someone as the cue to convince them as to how great I was and tell them about all that I had achieved in the past and was planning on achieving in the future. Everything revolved around me and the unique opportunity I had to wow somebody about what I had to offer. I quite simply didn't realize that they just weren't all that interested in my opinions. It was only when I read the seminal book on networking by Dale Carnegie, how to Win Friends and Influence People, that I learned the harsh truth summed up in his three great maxims. You know, when you talk about yourself to somebody, they think you're a bore. And when you let them talk about themselves, they think you're a great conversationalist. Secondly, to be interesting, be interested. And thirdly, a really good question beats a really good comment. So as I progressed in my career, I began to appreciate that in theory, listening is simple, but in practice, it's not easy. You know, on average, we're interrupted about every 18 seconds. People think they listen, but they don't. They finish each other's sentences and they constantly interrupt. The only reason they listen at all is to give themselves time to prepare what they're going to say next. They can't wait to tell people what they think. And frankly, the other people are not that interested. They want to give people advice, their advice. They try to impress people about their own lives and views and hope they're interested. But you know what? They're not. I particularly learned this when I was working for Enterprise Ireland and Ida Ireland and was based in Australia. I needed to focus on what other people wanted, not what I wanted to sell. The same was true when I spent over 20 years with the Ireland Funds and was raising funds for philanthropic projects in Ireland. The key was to realize that people want to contribute to things that they were interested in, not what I was interested in. And the only way to find that out was to listen. So here's the problem. Most people think that talking is more important than listening. However, you learn nothing when you're talking. You learn everything when you're listening. When it's your words, you're only repeating what you already know. Or what you recently learned. Also, many people think that talking is all about action and power and control. And listening is kind of a sign of weakness and apathy and not being an expert. But is that true in reality? People are either speaking or preparing to speak. They listen, but they only hear what they want to hear, not what the other person is saying. And when you don't pay attention to what others are saying, you send them a message that you don't value them. Many people are narcissistic listeners. They take the topic being discussed and see it through their own eyes, not showing any empathy or interest in the other person's views. People assume that when a person has stopped speaking, they have stopped thinking. So they see that as a cue to jump in with their own thoughts and ideas rather than an opportunity to encourage the other person to continue on. You know, communications courses tend to focus on improving speaking skills rather than on improving listening skills. However, listening is the biggest component of communication. We spend more time on it than reading and writing combined. So, as you're starting out in your career, what are the key lessons I'd like to share with you based on, I must admit, sometimes bitter experience? See listening as not mere silence, but a form of activity. Realize that good conversationalists often say very little. Listen for what isn't being said. You know, watch out for body language. Words are what people say, but body language is what they feel. Ask questions that begin with who, what, where, when, why and how. Show you're interested and curious. Ask follow up questions. They've special power because they signal that you're listening and you want to know more and you're interested. Use reflective techniques where you sum up what the other person is saying. You know, we all have a strong desire to feel that we're being listened to. Allow tiny silences after people have spoken. So that often encourages them to say a little bit more. So the key is to pay attention. Use short comments to show you see, hear and understand. Because you know, listening, it's not a natural trait. We need to work hard at it to develop acute listening skills. And it takes energy and skill and discipline. The key to success in listening is to look at your attitude to what it means and to use it to invite the other person's thinking and thus see it as a powerful act of creation.
