https://www.listennotes.com/e/ac926ffc538a4a32bde0b7536335124f

And I think that is a huge thing to be able to understand that I'm not going to prioritize other people that do not prioritize me whatsoever. So I'm going to match the energy of making sure that, you know, I'm not the one that's always asking to go to lunch or have drinks or whatever the case may be, that you need to make me a priority as well. And I think that that goes back to that self value of understanding that, okay, you can give people, you know, time and distance and Um, there's those friends that you can pick right back up and then it, you know, like you never left off. Um, but at least they're making you a priority. And I think that is a, that was a huge curve for me to be able to understand that there, there's the people that I don't want in my life. There's the people that, yes, I, you know, they'll, they'll always have a place in my life. Um, but there's the people that you make it to a point that, I'm not the priority for you. So let me cross you off that list too. And, I'm the type.

Welcome to the Leading Lane podcast for real estate Pros by real estate Pros with your hosts, Ashley Frederick and Stephen Burch. If you're looking for an honest, authentic and raw perspective, you found it.

All right, welcome to the Leading Lane podcast. Today we're going to talk about some maybe hot topic, right? Maybe something that's not really discussed too often, but adult friendships and how they evolve and forever change and whatnot.

So.

Really, Ashley, like, what is your, your overview of what is an adult friendship? And I know that's basic, but let's, let's break it down to make sure we're on the same page.

Yeah, you know, this actually came from reading a chapter in the, in the Love Them Book, and it literally talks about, you know, adult friendships. And so I think it's like, the adult as in that, like, we've established our own lives, right? We either you have a significant other, you're setting your careers, many of you have children, and then there's this now, like, weird part of this adult friendship where you're trying to, like, juggle, right? Like your kids in sports and your career and wanting to do more or be better. And then basically, I think like what I find over time is, you know, that some of those friendships aren't made to last past that timeframe or that when you have career changes or you do things, just how friends drop off. And I think that that's hard for people. And I get it. It's hard for me too. But I also think that there's a reason that people, you know, drop off. I think what is it? There's like a friend for, like, every season or a reason or I can't remember what that, you know, wordiness. I think people serve their purpose in life. But I also think that it's hard in these adult friendships and that some of these people are actually, I think, in your way, you know, because I think that there are sometimes jealousy or maybe because I don't have kids and they do have kids and like that upsets them that I travel or whatnot. And I think it's a matter of really people have to look at themselves and realize like, what is it that they want out of a friendship? And I think one of the things talked about like proximity, it's either like it has to be proximity and consistency. and if not, like, you know, I think it was, like, 200 hours before you can consider someone, like, a really good friend, is what she said, which I did say. Well, I'm like, well, good thing that we go on, like, week-long vacations because we get our 100 hours in real fast. But, you know, and I think that that's it. And I, I think that you have to remember, too, it takes two. Right. So I also think we like to put stories in our head where, like, we all get busy and you don't see someone for a while and you just automatically think someone's mad at you versus. just asking them for coffee. And so I think it's a matter of as we get older to just finding the right people and making sure that they're filling your cup and not emptying your cup.

So, like, how does it feel? I mean, when somebody is either in your way or they've already served their purpose, or maybe you've already served your purpose in their life, and that friendship is no longer there, like, how does that feel on the emotion side that that friend is no longer there?

I think it's different for like every friend, right? Because there's like friends and there's acquaintances and it's kind of like how people played a role in your life. I don't think it's easy. I think that people like to just assume like, oh, we're not friends anymore, you know, that's fine or I don't like them. And I think we can say that, but I also think like at the end of the day it It's strange, like someone that used to talk to you all the time or someone that used to like share your good news or your bad news with, right? Like some people that been through some really, you know, like deaths and whatnot and then they just kind of disappear or they're not happy for you. I think that we'd be lying if we said that that doesn't sting a little bit or, you know, you try to make sense of why. I think over time though, I've just realized that, I mean, I do think it just is like a matter about growing people and realizing that maybe they, They aren't who you thought they were. And that's the other thing is like, we change. Like, I am 100% not the same person I was five years ago and even more so not the same person I was 10 years ago, you know? And so I think that it's a matter of how you, like, can those friendships change with your ever changing goals, dynamics. I think it's like we've talked about too, but even like the crab bucket part of it, right? I think that. there are some people, and, like, I have some friends that will sing my Praises from, like, the top of every Mountain. Right. Like, they'll always be extremely happy for you. And then I think that there are some people that, you know, maybe don't appreciate it or think that you've been handed something, and then they kind of start to be, like, negative. And then that's kind of like where this, like, you know, bringing you back into the bucket type situation falls into.

I remember the first time that you told me that. an analogy or that saying.

A crab.

What in the world are you talking about? So let's break that down because I think that is something that I've heard more and more and more ever since that you said it. So what does it mean when you talk about the crabs in the bucket and how does that relate to real life?

Yes, I mean, if you think about a bunch of crabs in a bucket, really their goal is they just keep on latching onto someone to keep them in the bucket, because they think the bucket is probably safe. So there's this little, you'll see a crab that starts to get out and they'll be on the edge of the bucket and then someone will pull the crab back down and they won't be able to get out. Or maybe that was to get into another ocean or another boat. But there are other crabs that don't want them to move on. But it could also be like the crab was trying to protect them, if you will. So I think there's kind of two caveats. to look at that. But I think that I just feel like in general, we live in a little bit of a negative society and can't be happy for others. And I think that's where it is, is that if we can keep them at our level, like then we're, we're even and, you know, we can keep them here and they can do these types of things where when someone starts to inch their way to be better or happier or, you know, even when people, like, go through divorces, I think you'll see that, too. Like, people get really upset with them for you know, separating or whatnot, which, to be honest, it's none of our business. Like, if it makes them happy, you know, to be outside of that bucket, I don't know where that comes from. That comes from. I think it's like a. If you look back to, like, childhood, right? Like, you always, like, wanted to be part of the. The inner, like, group, right? Like, everybody played together at recess in these little Dynamics. I think it's just the fear of the unknown for the other people. Like, when that crab gets outside of the bucket, like, then what, like. are they coming back? Have they moved on for good? Like, what does that look like? And I don't want to see them leave, so maybe I'm going to do something mean or something to kind of cut their, their sales, if you will.

Yeah.

Like, I, I know that it's, it's weird because, you know, like you, everybody says they, they're happy for you and, you know, you're going through life and you're having success, but then you see them go and. you know, do other things behind your back and you're not involved any longer. And so it's very hard of like, how do you not think negatively about it? And it's just this weird kind of in the middle. And you and I have said multiple times, like, it's lonely at the top. And I don't mean that in a negative way with everybody else, but like, if you don't have the positive people that are around you and they're out there, you know, collaborating together without you. Like, you're there by yourself. And so you're that lonely crab outside that bucket. And that's scary for you, too. But at the end of the day, like, I don't, I don't want to be inside that bucket. I don't want to be just locked in there. And I don't want to have other people cut me at my, my legs or whatever the analogy needs to be.

And, yeah, I mean, I think that it's, you know, it's weird, too, because I think, like, other people make, like, a story in their head themselves. Right. So, like, when you talk about when you're not invited to things and whatnot. A lot of times people, I'll be like, oh, that looked like a lot of fun last weekend. And they'll be like, oh, you're just so busy. We figured you would never have time. And I was like, I mean, actually I was at home the whole entire weekend by myself, but thanks for thinking of me, right? So it's like they put this notation in their head that you're too busy for them. And I don't understand why we do that for my friends. I just reach out to them if they're available, great. If they're not, okay, maybe next time. so I think that that's the other thing about, like, adult friendships, too, is that it does take work, right? So I have been really working on it to do, like, for me, like, it's once a week. So, like, once a week, I try to meet with one of my friends for coffee, and I let that go for probably, like, three or four months. Holidays was hard. And I think that you don't realize how much it affects you until it's been a couple weeks, and you're like, God, I haven't, like, talked to someone that gets me or. like someone here that you can talk about, like things that are going on in town or whatnot. So that's been really helpful. Like, like two weeks ago, I met with, you know, one of my girlfriends. We had a great coffee and, like, you know, it's those meetings when you, like, feel not meetings, but get togethers. And you're like, oh, my God, I'm so glad. And it, like, the hour passed in, like, five minutes. Right. But we're also talking about, like, what we're gonna do to conquer the world in the next five years. Right? Like, those are great conversations to have instead of, like, somebody that wants to just go out for coffee and, like, about everybody that they're mad at, like, yeah, I, like, I don't have time for that. Like, I understand there's a part of, like, venting if something's going on in your life. I'm totally down for that. But I think there are certain people that are just intrinsically, like, tuned to negativity and drama, and that is so overwhelming and not worth it. You know, like, in the same sense, like, I got to have, like, a two-hour coffee with another girlfriend last week, and the same thing. And it had been, like, three months, and so, you know, a lot happens in three months, and you have to catch each other up really fast, but it. You know, we always text each other afterwards like, oh my God, I'm so glad we did that. We should do that more. And so I think, you know, even another girlfriend I haven't seen for a while and just text her and I was like, God, it's been forever. Let's have coffee next week. And then right, like, we have coffee on Wednesday. And I think that that's on us a little bit to like, if there are the really good people in your life, like to make sure that you are making time for them. Cause I don't necessarily think that other people think that or like, right, they just see us as busy and we're doing well and they have all the friends in the world, you know, and so like, we don't need to check in on them when I don't think it's true. I mean, I think like you have to check in on everyone, but I think we could all do better about that.

And so do you feel that like, I mean, it's a two-way street. That's, that's definitely what I'm, I'm hearing. And when, when people are not putting in the effort and they're, they're making these assumptions or giving themselves these stories, what is the proper way or what is the way that you handle that situation? Like, how do you, do you, do you handle the situation and just let it sit there?

I think it depends on the person. I think it also depends on, like, other things that are going on. And I think, you know, especially when you go to small towns, which you can relate to, I mean, things get back to you and, you know, like, I mean, maybe this friendship has ran its course for me. I mean, I guess if it is something that I really care about, I normally will reach out and be like, hey, like, is something up? You seem off, you know? And I think same thing, like, I've done that with a friend. I reached out a couple times, and we always say we're gonna get together and we don't. So, I mean, then you kind of, it's a realization of maybe that has run its course. I think what I. What I would, you know, propose to people is, like, it doesn't mean that it's a negative thing. It doesn't mean that you have to be mean or nasty to. I mean, some of these people, like, were parts of your major parts of life, you know? and I, and I am thankful. Like, there are some friends that, like, I don't, I think I, I was officiating at their wedding, right? And they got divorced. And, like, we don't hang out, like, nearly as much as we used to, but every time I see her, it's like, we pick up where we left off from. So, like, there are those friends out there that you don't have to see all the time and that they'll always be there for you. But in the same sense, like, I thought, like, I even said, I was like, we should really do coffee. Like, again, like, we have to, you have to be putting out that that vibe of, you know, I miss you, you know, whatever. But I also think it's very, very real to realize that some people are just not the right fit anymore and it's okay, it doesn't have to be bad, but I think that's really hard. I mean, I was talking with, you know, my admin about that. Like, it's hard because you try to think about like, oh, I've spent like 10 years saying this, this and this and this, and then you're like, I'm gonna go one day. But in the same sense, I think about people like that weren't in my life in the last like three years. I mean, like, you and Ryan, like literally that was three years ago. Now it's like I have this other time for people that do love and care about me that I can fill that with more so or people that we met in New York, right? They're great people. So I think that there's this weird thing of trying to find like, what is it? What's the old, like make new friends but keep the old, right? So it's like you have to find that conundrum of where that actually works so that you're still moving forward and you're outside this bucket and you can go in the ocean freely and maybe find other crabs to tag along along with or, you know, to lock hands with and move forward.

I mean, if you want to hang out with whales, too, right?

I'm gonna hang out with the shark. But anyway.

One of the things that I wrote down here is it took me a long time when, when people would say, you know, oh, I'm, I'm too busy. And it wouldn't be like, I'm too busy. It's that they are too busy and let's get together later on or, you know, whatever kind of push the. kicking the can down the road, if you will. But what I've learned is, like, are you really too busy, or am I just not a priority? And I think that is a huge thing to be able to understand that I'm not going to prioritize other people that do not prioritize me whatsoever. So I'm going to match the energy of making sure that, you know, I'm not the one that's always asking to. To go to lunch or have drinks or whatever the case may be that. you need to make me a priority as well. And I think that that goes back to that self value of understanding that, okay, you can give people, you know, time and distance, and there's those friends that you can pick right back up and then, you know, like you never left off, but at least they're making you a priority. And I think that is a, that was a huge curve for me to be able to understand that there's the people that I don't want in my life, there's the people that yes, I, you know, they'll, they'll always have a place in my life, but there's the people that you make it to a point that I'm not the priority for you. So let me cross you off that list, too. And I'm the really good point. I guess I didn't think about it that way, but I appreciate.

I appreciate about that. Because, I mean, let's be honest, like, we're all busy, but if, like, a friend reached out to you and was like, hey, and then you're like, oh, it's gonna be, like, three months before I can meet with you. Like, I can guarantee you that somewhere in the next six weeks, you could probably find an hour if you actually cared about me that much, you'd find that time. So I appreciate that. I mean, I always try to think about when friends reach out to me and ask, do you have time for coffee? Like, our schedules are busy, but right, I'll try to move something around because I always feel like if a friend is reaching out, they probably need something or they need a shoulder to cry on, writer, or someone to, like, my friend Heather, bring them back to reality. Like, okay, so you got that all out of your system. Now let's come up with a game plan, right? And so I think you make a good point. I don't know, whenever my friends reach out, I try to adjust my schedule for that. But if someone's not willing to do that for you, then as much as that might suck, it's probably a clear sign that you guys just aren't aligning anymore.

And a great book too, kind of goes in line with this is the Go-Giver. And essentially it's talking about how you're not looking for the relationships to receive out of it. It's what can you bring to the table that you can give to others to be able to advance on, which leads you to the connectors and to all these other people. So I think it's also understanding that not am I going to get something out of every single interaction or every single friendship, but what is it that I can provide to them and be able to help them along the way too? So it is a weird balance, if you will. yeah, you have to be a priority. You have to make the time. It's a two-way stream. But am I giving enough for them to be able to receive it? And then are they giving enough as well on, on both sides of that relationship?

I think the thing that I liked, you know, the thing that started, this probably goes back like six or seven years ago, but I kind of started to just judge, like, how I felt after I left a certain friend. Like, did you feel drained or did you feel Good or did you feel empowered? And I hope that for the most part, when people like leave me that they're feeling empowered or like want to go conquer the world, I think I started realizing that there were people in my life that every time like I saw them, I was like, ugh. Like it's just like this. Oh, God, like who are we going to talk about? Like I just, I can't do it. I don't want to do it. And I strategically started cutting those people. And that's hard because, you know, they were part of your life, know a lot of things, but then you're just, I think I said it was originally Girl Wash youh Face. That was the first book that I read. And then I was like, fuck, I need to get some of these people out of this because they're not jiving with my mojo. And then it's funny just how you start to propel, like when you're, you know, it's like a snowball, right? So once you start being surrounded by all these good, happy people that love you and want the best for you, like that snowball can move that much faster. That snowball gets you know, bigger, but it's just, it's a, it's an awareness, if you will. And I think sometimes we have to almost like do like a quarterly check in with ourselves, like how are these people making us feel? I think that social media is a, it can be good and bad. We talk about that all the time, but I also think that there's an unhealthiness of, you know, people, I think do things or say things on social media. to, in a roundabout way, try to hurt someone's feelings. And, like, I don't have time for that. I think I can look back at, like, you know, Facebook posts from, like, 15 years ago and be like, well, God, I must have posted that meaning for someone.

Right.

But now we're, like, grown adults and, like, get your together and, like, you see those things, and it's just, it's sad. And again, you know, I think people read into it, and I You know, I think there's a facade to Facebook of how people, you know, who they spend time with or how they spend their time. And let's be honest, like not everybody shares everything on Facebook. Like people wouldn't know probably the half the stuff that you and I do or go or people that we talk to because they just don't share it all. And there are some people that like to share and, you know, I just choose to share what I want to or what I think might help someone. And some people might like that. Some people don't. I think we even talked about that last week. really debated on sharing this post about me not getting a Valentine in third grade. But it was interesting after I had a couple conversations about it. Like, you look back at how that could have affected you, like today, right? And not thinking you're good enough or who else isn't getting a Valentine today that's in a really shitty spot. And so I decided to post it just hopefully hoping that I could impact someone's day or somebody would feel better. And it was actually kind of funny, like, And a lot of people were like, oh, I think they needed that pick me up. And they're not putting that out there for everyone to read. They're sending me a personal message, which is what I love, right? And I'm not going to go blast that personal message somewhere. But I think that that's where there are good means of Facebook that we can use. And if we can use good means to empower people and let people know that they're not alone, it's okay to be vulnerable instead of trying to use it maliciously, I think.

Absolutely. And I think that's a great, I mean, you shared that you weren't really going to post that.

Yeah.

You debated on it, right? And, you know, I think that even with this too, like, we struggle, I struggle, with putting that stuff out there all the time. And, I mean, kudos to you for, for doing that because there are so many different things, large or small, it doesn't matter if it was a long time ago or just yesterday. that affect people that we don't realize of how much, how much of that weight we still carry around with ourselves. And it's funny because one of the things I wrote down here too was the, I bought like croissants, that's not it, but just the flour that used to get like in middle school.

Chantonnems.

What are they?

Chantonnems, Chris Mann. Oh, Chantonnems?

But it's not a corsage. It's like, or is it the flower corsage? I'm thinking corsage is like, but anyways, whatever the freaking.

I think it is.

But anyway, I know what you're going for. They used to, like, we used to do that in like elementary and middle school to where you can buy the flower and give it to your, the Valentine or whatever. And it was like the popularity contest. I saw this on TikTok. I was like, oh my God, I totally forgot about that. and then I read your post about, like, not getting, you know, Valentine stuff, and I was like, oh, my God. Like, I did not realize of how much, you know, Elementary School, Valentine, Middle School, Valentine stuff that it really, you know, maybe that's why I freaking hate Valentine's Day, because I think it's so freaking commercialized, and I don't. I don't like it. In reality, it's probably because I was one of those people, too, that didn't receive anything or. And never received that flower or. But also was I really the person that was sending it and putting that out there? I was just putting the wall up and, you know, didn't feel that I had anybody there. So, right.

I think, you know, that's the other thing is it's just, we always talk about like if we can impact one person. So, you know, I think, same thing, like when I post now, I try to, I mean, obviously it'll do like random good stuff, but when I do like a personal post, I try to just think like, okay, it's gonna be vulnerable, but if it helps one person when I did my job. And so I did the one about flying, which, I mean, that was, I know that there are a lot of people that are deathly afraid of front of flying right now. Right. So I just put it out there that that's how I felt that morning, you know, and there was a girl that commented about how she hadn't, you know, posts, she hadn't flown in, like, seven years, but she's gonna take my post and reread it when she thought about flying. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, oh, crazy. And then I just commented something like, I can't wait to see a picture of you on the plane. And she sent me, like, a personal message and was like, you're such a special human being. Like, I'm so glad our paths have crossed. And, like, that's what, like, let's use that momentum to help other people and be good and do good things.

And, I mean, you got a message this morning and, you know, about empowering women, right?

Yeah.

Women empowering women. And I think that, you know, as we talk about friendships and adult friendships and you know, I think immediately we think about like the closeness that we are to somebody, you know, sitting right next to me. But in reality, you know, the friendship really spreads across the world and we have so many different platforms that we can be on and put this positivity out and create these friendships and relationships that are out there. But without removing that negativity and the toxicity in those immediate sphere type of friendships, Would those other opportunities, other stages across the world be open? Would you have the bandwidth for it? Would you be willing to share it? So I think that it has this trickle effect of, yes, let's remove the people that no longer serve us or we no longer serve them. But now let's get the momentum, the positivity out there and the more trickle effect that we can have impacting one person at a time. look how much of a bigger impact that has. And I'd much rather have those types of relationships and the positivity than having a hundred freaking people around me every single day.

I think you make a good point too. We've come such a long way with proximity, right? Especially with Zoom calls. I mean, we've done a year's worth of hour-long phone calls, right? I think that we forget that it isn't just the people that are in our city, like we have, you know, and it depends on the person, right? But like we have so many ways to, you know, like if, you know, wanted to run something by Neva, so like hop on a phone call with her and I get to visually see her and, you know, have those even one time we talked to, it's not a, it's not a video call, but we're gonna live in the same town, you know, same with you, like we want to catch up. So we schedule a call and like you just, it's just amazing when you think about like the people that you want to fill your cup with, how important it is to just do those, but I appreciate you saying that too about the other message this morning. I think those are the things like it's kind of like she talked about putting her notes in a box and I have a box. I probably need to get it a different box but normally when people send me a card or like shout out to my one client, she sent me this lovely little congrats card for Small Business of the Year but it was just like such an amazing hard-working office. We're so proud of you and so happy we got to work with you to sell our home. like, I'm gonna put these in a box. And when I have shitty days and I think about these shitty friends that don't shouldn't be in my life, I have to remember all these people that are like, thank you for being you. Thank you for doing that. And so I think you have to remember, like, they don't live here, right? I think it goes to us, too, to just make sure you reached out to the people that don't live in town that you do consider close friends. And maybe it's not that you can actually be with them in person, but you can. Schedule a, you know, girls day or a date over the phone, right? So you can feel like you are in the right, right belonging.

I mean, we were on Zoom yesterday on a Sunday for two hours, but we scheduled it, you know, like we had to put out a time to it. Um, but you're right, like you, you have to be available and you have to surround yourself around those people and have conversations with like-minded individuals to, to push you into where you want to be able to go. and remove the other noise out of the way. Another phrase that has taken me a long time to realize is four quarters are better than a hundred pennies. And I would much rather have four quarters in my corner than a hundred pennies now. It's where back in the day in high school for popularity, I wanted the hundred pennies, right? So, great analogy. Yeah, great conversation as always. So please tune in to our next Leading Lane podcast. And if you have any topics or anything you would like for us to discuss or be a part of our podcast, please reach out. We would love to hear from you.

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