3 Essential Practices of an Authentic Leader (feat. Melissa Bernstein)

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Hi, I'm Susan Jerome and welcome to the Enlightened Executive where your personal evolution sparks your leadership evolution. Each episode we feature groundbreaking techniques and strategies to help you get the edge in personal and leadership effectiveness. This episode is brought to you by Meritage Leadership. At Meritage, we strengthen leaders and empower teams to achieve high performance. Go to meritageleadership.com to learn more. Today we're focusing on authentic leadership and I'm excited to introduce Melissa Bernstein. Melissa is an entrepreneur and working mother of six children. And as co founder of the wildly successful toy company called Melissa and Doug, Melissa has spent the last 30 years creating products to help children discover themselves, their passion and their purpose through open ended play. In 2022, Melissa founded Lifelines. And through Lifelines, she uses her creativity and imagination to reinvent well being products and experiences that help adults strengthen their resilience and unlock their full potential. And in her book, also called Lifelines, Melissa shares her inspirational journey and the lifelines that enabled her to triumph over anxiety, depression and despair. So welcome Melissa. I can't wait to dive in and talk about this amazing journey of self discovery.

Susan, I'm so honored to be here.

Okay, so let's talk about what this journey was like for you. I love to bring on successful entrepreneurs who maybe in the past led in a certain way and went through their own personal journey to now lead in a far more enlightened or conscious way. And you have that story. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about that journey and what it was like before and what it's like now.

Absolutely. It has been a true, I'd say an amazing journey because, you know, the way I led really mirrored the way I dealt with myself, which was I didn't accept myself. I didn't accept that I was like a full spectrum of emotions, sort of from the highest of high to the lowest of lows. And I repressed pretty much everything I felt other than this shiny side. Right. And so many women I think, sort of resort to that when they feel that the emotions, the dark emotions might overtake them. They end up repressing all those emotions and sort of clinging to this image of perfection. And that's really what I did for most of my life. I put on this face that like, everything's great. I only had one emotion, which was, I'm great, I'm fine, everything's perfect. And I really tried to be this robotic person who you could put anything on you wanted, like pile it on. I'm a camel, I can Take everything, and I will never buckle. I will never show any sign of fatigue, and I will get it all done, sort of with a smile.

And that's what we used to believe that leadership was.

Right?

You need to be strong and not show weakness and be this person that can handle it all. How did you then show up as a leader, or how did that impact your results as a leader coming from that side?

I mean, as far as results go, it was probably the best thing ever. Right. Because I worked 24, 7. I led as an example, I would say, in terms of, you know, never stopping working through anything. I mean, I had six children, and I was working like, the day after I had them. I left, like, hours before I went into labor. And it was like one of those that I wanted to kind of prove that I was a superwoman, to be honest.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's the way I led. And, you know, it was a stoic way of leading. It was showing nothing that was really authentic and true.

Yes. And so how did you make that transition?

Yeah, I mean, the. I guess the good news was it began very organically as this drumbeat sort of in my soul, because I had always denied the truth of who I was, which is a very deep, introverted, soulful, creative that has a lot of emotions. And I always used to say, sort of both the beauty and the pain of the world are unbearable for me because I think I feel incredibly deeply. And I always believed that feeling deeply was a stigma. And when, if I showed any of that to the world, you know, I would be shunned. And I didn't want to be shunned. I was one of those people that wanted to be popular and wanted to fit in. And I think I really denied my truth. I think we can effectively deny the truth of who we are sort of in our teens and in our twenties. We can repress it, and we can try to be that shiny societal image of who we want to be. But for me, as I got into my early 40s, I started to hear something that I can only call the drumbeat of my soul. And it was basically a voice that was saying, like, you aren't being truthful to yourself, like you are being in inauthentic. And I began to feel like I was one of the toys I created, that I created this light bright toy in a shiny package that sat on a shelf and glistened under the lights. And the truth was that those toys and me, we were not just shiny bright feelings. We were a full spectrum. So I think it Was an evolution where I finally felt compelled through a whole bunch of dots connecting, to come out and really show that I actually am much more than just that facade, that shiny exterior.

Yes. And where there are certain things that were particularly helpful along that journey for you to recognize and embrace who you really are and be authentic with yourself.

I mean, I had to use the examples of others. And my journey has been very much philosophical and spiritual. And it came through beginning to listen to a lot of other people coming out and sharing their truth. And there were a couple podcasts in particular that I listened to at the time that really gave me the courage that I could come out and share my truth. And also I used a lot of reading. I'm a voracious reader. I'm always reading three books simultaneously and. And I started to read a lot about my particular condition, which it's called existential angst. It's a meaning crisis. And through sort of the philosophical path, I began to see that I actually wasn't alone in the way I had believed that My mind had told me that there had been many other people before me who had also grappled with these deep questions of existence and had found a pathway out. And I think knowing that I wasn't alone in that and knowing that so many others, and it turned out many of them were really creative, had followed that same path. And maybe those qualities that enabled us to create were the same qualities that also gave us a lot of that darkness. And a lot of those realizations that came through some studying philosophy and spirituality gave me the courage to come out. Because then I started to say, wow, if I've waited until my mid age to understand these obvious realizations about myself, there have to be so many others that are stuck in the darkness and can't get out. And that really my desire to share these incredible revelations with others and really helped me to come out.

So tell me, what books were they, do you recall, that were most impactful for you? I think it would be helpful to hear.

I mean, number one that really changed my life was Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Yeah, and I think Frankl, he's written, by the way, 20 books. I've read all of them. Is he really.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah, knows him for that one book and that's not his best book in my opinion, but he really changed my life because I think he proved that people can undergo the most horrific of circumstances that are out of their control, but they can still choose how to make meaning out of it. And I ended up, even today, sort of coining a term which is trauma, meaning, which is, can we use all the suffering that is implicit in being human? And we have to realize that all of us will have traumas in our lives, but if we can somehow gain enough distance from that trauma so we can find the meaning in it. So trauma meaning, we can then use it as fodder for tremendous growth. That's really what studying Viktor Frankl and his whole philosophy, which is called Logotherapy, that really propelled me on this beautiful journey.

It's such an inspirational book. His story for people who don't know is he was a concentration camp victim, and he talks about his ability to survive was really based on his mindset and the meaning that he gave his experience. And so his quote is, all else can be taken from a man but that which allows him to make meaning of his current circumstances. And I use that quote when we talk about being in a victim versus a responsible mindset. And that going to a responsible mindset says, you know, there's something here for me to learn, and I'm contributing to this circumstance by the story I'm telling myself about it. So looking deeper into the stories we tell ourselves, about our experiences, I think is a huge opportunity for growth. Growth in any part where you felt deep trauma. What is both a way to own the trauma. So we're not denying that, and also say, who does that make you now, and what is a way to embrace that aspect of you?

Exactly. And the reason so many find Victor Frankl's story life changing is because, you know, he suffered the most, the most acute indignities anybody can suffer. And truly, everything was stripped from him. And all of us who are real, like Viktor Frankl fans, we all say the following. We say if he, in the face of that sort of an undeniable fate, out of his control, could find a reason to live and make meaning, then surely I can. Yes.

Sometimes you have to see it. Like, if he can do it at that level, I can do it no matter what I'm dealing with. That's.

See what it was. Yeah. My favorite book of his is called yes to Life In Spite of Everything. It's a beautiful book.

I have not read that. Okay, so thank you. That's good. And now, having walked this path, how do you show up in your leadership and what's that given you in terms of your success or how you lead? And I mean, I deem success internally as well as alternative, external.

It changed me like 180 degrees because I was completely inauthentic, not only to myself, but to the world, because it starts internally before we can bring it externally. And then once I went through. Ultimately I went through five years of intense therapy, and most of it was cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy to really take all those mind stories I told myself, which were, no one will ever accept me, right, as this deep, introverted, creative, I'll always be alone. I mean, you name it, it was. And we all have the same mind stories. We think we're so unique in our mind stories. We're not. And it was about really learning how to see the positive, see the silver lining in a lot of these negatives that I truly believed. And once I could accept myself, you know, empathy toward others must start with empathy toward ourselves. And I had no empathy toward myself. And I thought I had to be superhuman. And because of that, I believed everyone on my team needed to be superhuman, too. And I really wasn't that empathetic to issues going on in other people's lives because I wasn't empathetic to my own. So I think once I realized that actually I'm human, and that means I'm fallible, I'm imperfect, and I make mistakes. And that was a hard one, because as a perfectionist times a thousand, I had a really hard time admitting that I was going to make mistakes. So that took years. It took me five years, and I still have to work on it every day. But only when I could finally accept myself was I able to lead from a place of empathy. And that changed me. So what I finally did, after 30 years of leading another way, is I gave them permission to also be their authentic selves. And I now see what, you know, what a gift I denied them and how, you know, it took my own. My own evolution and my own having that empathy, self empathy, before I could show them the same sort of empathy.

And so what does authentic leadership look like now from your standpoint? How are you leaving from that place?

It's a great question, and I think it's about sharing our truth and not being scared to say, I'm having a hard day. Like, this is a really. I'm dealing with a few personal issues today. And, you know, having six kids, it's always a journey. And, you know, sometimes, you know, you're only as happy as your least happy child. I try not to be that way, but I still have a hard time if one of my kids is, you know, suffering. So I think there are days when I'm, like, really focused on a Kid issue. And I can't be my best. And I might have to say to my team, like, I know I seem distracted today, and I keep looking down because this child's texting me nonstop. And they'll be like, yeah, I'm with you on that. So I think it's just allowing yourself to be truthful and honest and know that I was always terrified that if I let in, even in inkling that it would be like a slippery slope and suddenly, you know, everybody would be, like, coming to me all day with one issue after another. And I realized that that was just very black or white thinking. And you. If you trust the people who work for you and you know that their intention is to be a productive employee, then you can also trust that, you know, it's okay if they have an issue in their lives to let them deal with it and tell them, of course you should deal with it. Like, this is exactly what I would do. So I think I believe my relationships are much more open and honest and that they're able to share what's going on in their lives with me.

Yeah. Wonderful. I have this concept that I talk about playlists. Right. Your old playlist, which is the old statement that you told yourself, and learning to transition that to a new playlist. So you're old playlist based on what I heard was something in the realm of I'm not accepted or I won't be accepted. Does that feel accurate for you, based.

On what you shared? Yeah, it was the I am statement.

The belief about yourself.

Yeah. I would say I am unworthy as who I am.

Yeah.

Yeah. And always looking externally at what I believe society wanted from me and wanted me to be and defining myself by that. And the truth is that if you are going to be a creative, you are not going to be accepted by society, because creative people, if you're seeing things in your head, which I do, you're weird. I mean, you're going to be muttering to yourself, you're going to constantly be distracted because there's an idea that's brewing and you need to, like, I need a piece of paper, I need my phone, I need something. And it's, you know, and you're always emotional because that's how you get your ideas. So I think those of us that are really creative, it's going to be hard for us in this world that appears to be very homogeneous. So I think that idea of feeling like it's okay to be the outlier is one that's still really hard to accept in this society.

And so now the new playlist or the new belief, the I am statement. What was most powerful for you in that piece?

It's just owning who I am and understanding that I have a blurs, which is a word that is the combination of a blessing and a curse. And that all the qualities that I feel are most challenging to navigate, to be here each day, are also the qualities that give me that ability to create out of the boundless, expansive white space. And at one point I needed to ask myself the question, like, are you willing to accept the curse that comes with the blessing? And I could have answered no to that, because some people do, especially those who are really in a dark state from their creativity. And my answer was undeniably yes. I love creating so much, and it is the reason that I get out of bed each day that I'm willing to accept this sort of burdensome personality and its traits for that ability. So once I could accept that and everyone around me knew that that means they're going to be days that, like, I wake up and my pillow is soaked with tears and I don't even know why, because that's how deeply I feel. But other days I'll get up and I'll be like, oh, my gosh. Like, I'll just be crying at the beauty of the sunrise. And I'm just. Or so I think those of us who. Who have those big ups and downs of emotion, it's hard to be in this mainstream society.

Yeah. I mean, it sounds like in Enneagram speak, you're authentic, creative, which is a type 4. Do you know the Enneagram much?

Yeah, in fact, to the extent that I think you're supposed to have a blend of two of them. And I am 100% A4. Yeah.

So I love the journey that you've come because it's also. Then you said you got to find it internally and you're not comparing yourself to the external world and what the external. Because without, you know, that's sort of a pattern of, let's say, less developed for, is to feel envy and feel less than and feel outside of.

And that's what I felt my whole life until I was able to say, you know what? This is who you are. This is what you got. And you can either kindle it into a bonfire or let those embers flicker out. And that is the whole Viktor Frankl logo therapy. It's, do we make the choice to wallow in our inadequateness or do we choose to make the most of what.

We have that's fantastic. So what are you doing with Lifelines now? Tell me a little bit about the business.

Yeah, sure. It's a little bit based on. Or I'll. I should say a lot based on my. My personal journey. Because we weren't planning on starting a new company by any means. And I think, you know, I went on this extraordinary journey where I came out with kind of like a few epiphanies. One being that we all have the capacity to channel our darkness into light and make meaning. That was a big one. The other was that we collectively are not alone. Because I think one of our biggest mind stories, at least one of mine, was I'm alone, right? No one will ever truly understand me. I wasn't alone. I mean, there were people all around me, but I felt alone in the way I was and that no one would understand it. And three, that we all need a daily practice to remain equanimous in the face of life's ups and downs. And I think that was a huge one for me because after I accepted myself and I sort of came out and I was like, somewhat in the light one day I had kind of like, I woke up and I had one of those really low days and I was like, wait a second, what's that? Like, I just went through five years of therapy. I have all these tools and why I should be. I should be happy now. Like, everything should be good. Like, I've accepted myself. And my therapist, like, laughed at me when I told her this. She was like, what are you talking about? It's life. And especially for you, Melissa, like, now that you've accepted your emotions and you're not repressing them, every day is going to be up and down and up and down. And I was like, no, I don't want to. I don't want to do all this work. But I realized that, no, that is the point is if we want to remain steadfast and sort of able to, we call it potentialize, realize our full potential, we are going to need a practice. So Lifelines is really that practice. I then had to create a practice to be here and be my best every day, which some days is harder than others. And I created a practice which I call Practice Makes Purpose. And that practice became so life changing that. That we wanted to share it with the world. So. And embedded in that practice, not a surprise, is also a whole bunch of products. Because my pathway to grounding, when I start to become untethered is sensory immersion, immersing my senses. And we wanted to create a whole bunch of physical products that help people ignite the power of their senses. So we have an entire line of products that is going to hit shelves later this year. And the most exciting thing is I'm doing this with Doug. So we are partnering again on our second company. So it's been. It's been a pretty incredible journey.

Oh, that's so exciting. So is there a product you can give us an example of? When you say product, what tell you.

The category we're starting with. And we already have 14 patents, so we're creating some really groundbreaking things. We're starting with the sense of smell. So. So we're going to go through all your senses and create tools that allow you to interrupt the stress response and activate a state of peace. And your senses are the fastest way to do that. So we are transforming aroma, and we have created a new taxonomy around aroma, a new way to dispense aroma, to make it really effortless, to put your aroma on different tools. And then we've created a whole category of different tools that we can bring into all aspects of our lives to utilize these beautiful scents.

Oh, that's wonderful. I love it. Since the products aren't coming out till later this year, what's one thing you would suggest leaders do tomorrow that could help them walk this path of authentic leadership?

I think when we share our truth, it is the most empowering thing we can do. So I would encourage any leader to find an example from their lives that they want to connect more with their team. Share a story, an anecdote, something that shows that you are not superhuman, that you are actually beautifully, imperfectly human and are going through the very same things that everyone on your staff is. I'll always share stories, and they're not necessarily. They're not funny stories. They're stories like, one of my kids is having a real hard time right now, and I'm in the throes of it. Have any of you experienced that? And when you can share those things and they can see you as human, it does something incredible. It allows them to be human, too. And it increases your bonds, it increases their commitment to the company and increases productivity, and it increases creativity. It has so many untold benefits. So we can do that immediately, right? It's just about.

I mean, have the courage to do it, and you'll inspire others to have the courage. Well, this is great. How can people connect with you or learn more about the company? Lifelines.

Yeah. So we have a website, lifelines.com and lifelinesatwork.com and I think we're in the process of sort of changing it a little bit because honestly, it started as very much my story and my memoir, but now it's really become this ecosystem to help others sort of gain the tools to themselves lead better lives. So now it's become much more, I would say all encompassing than just my story. And I've transcended my story now and I think, you know, I want to use my learnings from that hard fought battle to help others find meaning in their lives.

Excellent. Well, thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate hearing your story and excited about these products that are coming out. It sounds really intriguing.

I'll have to come back. Then we can really talk about the whole science of sensory immersion and share a lot of the products too.

I'd love to hear that. Thank you so much. And if you enjoyed this episode, you're not going to want to miss my interview with Sue Dyer, known as the Godmother of partnering, who helps leaders optimize their business by building a foundation of trust. Let's all lead the way. Hope you enjoyed today's episode and I'd like to point you to the next important step. Hit the subscribe button to get notified when we release new content. I'll see you on the next episode of the Enlightened Executive.

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