If You Knew Suzy...The Swan, That Is..

Hi, it's Suzy here. Today I'm becoming you something a little different. But there are a lot of new listeners to this podcast every week, and this is going to be a way to introduce myself. Not just as the professor who teaches Becoming youg at NYU Stern School of Business, and not just as a person who invented a new language of values, thank you very much. And not just as your local bestie, helping you how to figure out your purpose, but to introduce you to me as a human being. This episode involves us going back in time, first to one of our most popular podcasts ever, which is about Susie the Swan. Yes, I had a swan. Or I thought I did, as you will soon hear. And it covers a bit of time after that, and then it finishes in the right here, right now. I mean, like two days ago when I had kind of a stunning eureka about Susie the Swan and about me and about all of us involving reinvention and. And pushing ourselves out of old identities and into new ones. This is a short episode, and I kind of cry twice in it if you listen closely. But I just felt it was time to get a little personal because, you know, so many of you have reached out to me with your very beautiful and intimate stories. I love you very much, and I thank you so much. So this is me coming back at you. So let's start with the first part of the Susie the Swan story.

So here we are. I actually don't have so much of a rant today as I have a story which I'm going to try to tell without crying. Okay. I'm. I have a story about something that happened to me this week, and in a way, it is a story about ChatGPT. So you're thinking, okay, what is going to make Susie cry about ChatGPT? But it's a little bit also about.

The experience of being a widow, I guess. So here's the story. I have talked incessantly on this podcast about this tool that I've invented which measures your happiness. Basically, it quantifies your happiness. You know, I'm not a big fan of the term happiness, if you follow me at all, but I do have this tool that's coming, it's actually in development now, where you talk about your current lived experience and you measured on 15 dimensions. And then you are also comparing it to what you would like your experience to be on those 15 dimensions if you had the perfect life. And it actually. Then there's an algorithm which sort of adjusts for certain things, and you get a number that talks about the variance between the life that you're living and the life you want to. That tool is coming and we think it's going to be available to everybody for free. But look, we had to name this tool. And so for a long time we've been calling this tool the Values Abacus. Why? Because when I was trying to explain this concept to my students, I got a little wooden abacus off of Amazon and I stood up in front of my class and my poor students, just taking such pity on me, stood up there with a little wooden abacus saying, it's like this. There's continuums and there's trade offs. And they were like, yeah, great. Thanks, Brad. Professor Welch. And then I came to discover that not a lot of people know really what an abacus is. Well, a lot of names for values tools are taken, like ValuesQuest, Values Explorer, Values Calculator. I mean, they're all taken with different values tools that are out there. None as good as mine. And so I had to think a lot about what this would be. Well, if you're a writer, okay, if. If you were a writer and you've ever had to name something, you know about what this experience is like, you become like a dog who's got a bone in their mouth. Okay, you're like crazy, okay? You're think about it constantly. Somebody is talking to you about. Like in my case, I had my family to my house for 4th of July and they were like talking to me about how the peaches were doing in the orchard that we inherited along with the house, which is a lovely thing, and they're talking about the peaches. And I was like, literally couldn't even answer their questions. Cause I was fixated on naming this tool. And I put in my dilemma into ChatGPT and I said, I'm making a tool that does this, that and the other thing. And it shot out names, but they were also not right. And I was just in despair. I thought, okay, I can't help myself. ChatGPT can't do. It's failed me. And then I was standing in the kitchen and then suddenly the name Values Bridge came into my mind. I don't know if it was ChatGPT that kicked my rear end or what it was, but I thought, my tool tells you how long the bridge is between the life you're living and the life you want to live. And becoming you is a journey. It is a journey. I actually have a slide that says becoming you is not an overnighty kind of thing. It's a journey. Your life is a journey. I know it's a cliche, but is a journey okay? With lots of twists and turns and detours, hills and valleys? Yeah, that cliche works. That metaphor works. And I thought, you know, sometimes people take becoming you or do becoming you, and the bridge is like a little short bridge, and it's themselves. They throw a piece of wood over the stream, usually of their own devising, their own stream, and they cross it. But other times, you got to construct the Verrazano Bridge. And for those of you who don't live in the New York area, that's a gigantic bridge. It's like. It's like our Golden Gate, okay? And that's what becoming used. And that's what my tool is. It tells you about the length of the bridge. And so values bridge came to me. It felt real. It felt authentic. I could cry, and I felt such a relief. And I thought, you know what I'm doing? I'm going to walk the dogs around the pond. We have a pond in our backyard up in the country. And I. It was early in the morning still, and I walked out to the pond. And one of the things I love about the pond is it's. First of all, it's just incredibly beautiful, and I'm really lucky to have a pond. But one of the reasons I really, really love it is that not long after I moved there one morning, a single swan showed up and moved into our pond. And if you're not aware of this, swans mate for life and are always in pairs. They're one of the few species in nature that the animals mate for life and they stay together. And when one of the swans dies, the mate stays alone for the rest of his or her life. And this has been recorded in nature. And it's. Jack and I had a long history of giving each other pairs of swans. On our first date, I. On our first serious date, I gave him a nest with two eggs in it. And he said, what is this? And I said, it's a metaphor. We're about to be born and As a relationship. And he said, what? And I said, what? What's wrong with you? You've never gotten a gift. That was a metaphor before. And he said, I don't even know what you're talking about. Anyway, he bought right into it, and we ended up giving each other pairs of swans for the duration of our long, happy marriage. So the point where, like, friends would give us pairs of swans, and our house was. It was like a swan repository in our house because we gave this as a signal of our love. Other. So strangely, although perhaps not right after I moved into the house, this single swan showed up. And I was like. I literally said, oh, hello, God. Because who would put this single swan on my pond? Whether you believe in God or not, it is a pretty amazing coincidence. I mean, and I do believe in God. So just for the record, there was a single swan. And the first day she showed up, much to the chagrin, I had one of my daughters visiting me, much to her chagrin, I named her Susie. This just drove them out of their mind. And I would literally shout at her every morning, good morning, Susie. And if I was ever with kids, they would say, stop it, mom, it's weird. Don't do that, it's freaky. And I would say, she's my swan and there's my girl. And I went on for the time afterwards, every time I saw her, greeting her by name. And usually I was just with the dogs. And the dogs came to know her as Susie. And one time, sir threw himself into the water and chased Susie to the center of the pond. And she was, of course, very, very unaffected by it. Cause swans are just very calm, but she could always fly away. But they had a good relationship with. And I had a really special relationship with her, but I loved her, and obviously I was relating very deeply to her. And she stayed for a year or two, actually. I saw her every day and I worried about her when it got cold. And we would address each other. I know, I know you're thinking I'm Delulu. But I loved her. And actually, one time, some friends were visiting from out of town, and we were walking and she emerged and I said, look, I have a swan on my pond. And they said, oh, my God, Susie. Did you place her here? And I said, no, God did. And after a while, she would follow us around our circle of the pond. So she would greet us as we came out of the house, walk down the hill to the pond, and then she would paddle alongside us as we circled the pond, which is like a 15, 20 minute walk. And it's that long. Not because the pond is big, but because I have to stop and throw sticks for the dogs every five seconds or they lose their cookies. So anyway, Susie would follow along with us and I would talk with her. And I came to love her as a fixture of my life. And I thought, well, this is a beautiful metaphor. And if I put this in a novel, no one would believe it. But it happened to me that I have a swan named Susie. And So that morning, after I came up with the name.

For the tool, I took the dogs for a walk. It was July 6, and there had been three days of fireworks the nights before because all the towns around me, in successive order, had had fireworks. Okay, that's going to be a relevant fact later. And I walked down to the pond, and we started to walk along, and like, maybe three minutes into it, I thought, wait a minute, where is Susie? And I started to look in all the places that she usually was because she wasn't right next to us. And I was like. I got very upset, and I went over to this little area that she likes to sleep, and I thought maybe she was nestled in there and she was not there. And I literally got kind of frantic, and I was like, susie, Susie. Okay, I know it's weird, okay, because it's my name, but, like, I obviously come to identify with this swan, and. And I couldn't find her, and I looked everywhere, and we did the whole walk, and then in an act of complete franticness, we did the walk a second time. I mean, I. And the dogs were like, okay, we've had quite enough. I mean, it's exhausting to them. And I. I couldn't find her, and I kept on circling the pond and calling her name, and I was. I felt despair because I have grown to love this bond and the metaphor she is for my own life, of just her devotion to her lost partner and her aloneness, which is part of my life, which even though I have a full and very happy life, and part of it is this podcast, and part of it is all the work I do. But, you know, at the end of the day, right, that's what widowhood is. And I had a good friend who was a widow. After my first year, I called her and I said to her, does it ever get easier? And she said, you just made it through the first year. Wait till you hit the second year. That's when you realize how long forever is. And she was so right. Anyway, I'm a happy person, by the way, and I don't mean to get more than here, because I have a happy, joyful, wonderful life, and I have very happy memories. But, okay, just to be very real with you, like, forever's a long time when you lose the person you love. So I got very upset, and I was like, where is she? And I was actually shouting at the dogs. If you had a video of this, you would have seen me shouting, my dogs. Where is she? Where is she? Because a lot of times, one of the dogs goes missing. And I say to the other two dogs, where is he? Or where is she? And then, of course, because dogs have a different sense of smell than we do, they go find the missing dog. For me, the dog that's usually missing is Pierre, because he's little. And he goes into the. We now have a big cowbell around his neck because he goes missing so often, but he just vanishes. And I'll say to the dogs, where is he? And they go and find him in the. In the woods or wherever he is. And I was shouting at them, where is she? Where is she? And she wasn't there. And so I actually became very upset by this and I started to cry and I thought, where could have she gone? So I ran inside and I actually unbelievably went to ChatGPT and I typed in, I've had a swan who's been on my pond for the longest time. And this morning she's gone, where is she and will she come back? I actually typed that into ChatGPT.

And I was that desperate. And the cursor pulsed and pulsed. And then it said back something along the lines of, swans are very devoted to their habitats. They don't leave. The only reason they would leave is. And then there were four reasons. And the first was that they saw a fox or other animal of prey that had access to them. And I thought, well, that can't be her, because there's no way she could just go out to the middle of the pond. And then they said, changes in habitat, blah, blah, blah. And then the fourth one was disturbances, like fireworks.

And I thought, that's it.

Those damn fireworks. Which made my dogs dementos for the past three days. Oh, my God, the fireworks scared her off. And then the last line says, said because swans are so devoted to their habitats, they often return.

And I just, like, was a mess.

I mean, I know this sounds wacky, but everything about it was like, okay, she's gonna come back. The fireworks sent her way, and she's gonna come back. And so she's. I'm sad to say she's not back yet. I've not been up into the country for the past three days. I've been in the city. But I'm going back today. And I'm gonna tell you, the first thing I'm doing is I'm going down to that pond and I'm looking for my Susie. I really want her back because she just represented so much to me. And I want to say that just into ending this story, Right now that every time I tell this story to my children, they completely freak out that I call the swan Susie, and maybe I should stop that. But whatever. There's my story about the swan and how crazy life can be and how poetic and poignant it could be. So everybody please root for Susie coming back. I will report right away if she does.

Hi, it's me again. In the right here. And right now, in a moment, we're going to hear the second part of this story, which takes up a few weeks. After the first part, little though did I know how this story would end.

Hello again, I'm Susie Welch, and this is becoming you. After we first offered the Susie the swan story, I heard from many listeners all asking, did Susie come back? A few weeks later, I shared an update. Take a listen. Okay, so I left you all with bated breath. I'm sure wondering with Susie was going to come back, because I've gotten. I was actually at a. At an event on the island of Nantucket, and somebody came up to me at this event, it was a fundraising event, and said, has Susie come back? And there were a lot of people around who know my name is Susie. And they wondered what was wrong with this woman that she was asking Susie, has Susie come back? Anyway, I knew exactly she was referring to the swan. So, my friends, the swan has not come back. Susie, the swan is gone, it appears. And I was having a gigantic pity party about it. And I. I know this is gonna sound crazy for people out there who are not fellow animal maniacs like myself, but I. I missed her. I missed her part of our daily routine that I would walk down to the pond with my dogs, and then Susie would show up and she would walk. She would swim and paddle along as we walked around. And I missed her living metaphor in my life, that this was this beautiful creature who was making her life on her own. And not that I'm a beautiful creature. Don't get me wrong. Nobody hates their looks more than I do. So I would say that I just identified with this swan. She did not come back. She's not come back, my friends. But the craziest thing happened, and this is so true. Complete truth. I took a picture of it, and I'm happy to post it anywhere for verification. But the other day, I went down to the pond, and my eyes could not believe it, but there was this incredibly beautiful single heron swimming around on the pond. And I guess I just read too much literature in my life, and I immediately snapped a picture of her. And I said, oh, My gosh, this new bird has showed up all by herself on the pond. And she didn't paddle with us because she has not gotten to know us yet, but she did observe us, and we observed her. She was magnificent. Usually herons are in pairs as well. And I have read so much literature, I thought, well, what. What. What is the metaphor here? What is the metaphor? And I think it's about reinvention or renewal or different versions of ourselves. And I literally said to her, what should I name you? What should I name you? And I thought, I know exactly what I'm going to name you. I'm going to name you Emily, after Emily Dickinson, who has this magnificent, magnificent quote that has been dear to my heart for my entire adult life, where she wrote in one of her poems, which just has a number, by the way. Now, no name to this poem. She wrote, we are not older with the years, but newer every day. And this has actually been sort of my personal motto. We are not older with the years, but newer every day. Because I actually endeavor to be newer every day. I am. I mean, I can't fight the years. I'm getting older. What can I say? I've got a birthday coming up. It's better than the alternative, as they say. And so I named her Emily in honor of being newer. And here was my new heron. And I greeted her warmly. I hope that she stays with us. She's magnificent. And she's also by herself. But maybe this was a message to me about renewal. And what does this say about my values? Well, there's a value called belonging. I call this the love value. It's the value about how much you want to be in relationship. How much do you want to be in relationship with friends or a romantic partner? And I guess this missing and this attachment to her must speak to it, because I'll tell you something. I ache in a way that would suggest that I. Look, there are some things about being an independent person. I've never been a single person. It certainly gives you a lot of freedom and agency around your time and what you do with yourself. I can go to bed when I want. I can eat when I want. A lot of things. You just don't end up doing that much in relationship. But I think that I had a stronger, higher value on belonging than I ever knew. And I don't even want to say it out loud because it means admitting how much I miss it.

Hello, once again. It's Susie Welch again in the present. So in that episode that you just heard, I came out and admitted that I miss Susie because she allowed me to wallow in my missing of the value of belonging, the couple value, the friend value. I mean, not just of missing Jack, actually, although of course I missed him, but of missing being part of a couple, basically. I think I was saying I am missing the old me. I am missing the familiar me. The identity of Susie that way, me. Hmm. So just hold that thought. To compound matters, in a holiday episode of this podcast, I actually said that one of the things I wanted for Christmas was for Susie to come back. I mean, I was doubling down. I was still wallowing in it. I really was. And I get it, I truly do, because I am working with people all the time in becoming you. All the time. With people who are desperately, ardently, lovingly holding on to old versions of themselves. Even if it means letting the lid of the velvet coffin close on them. We hold on to these convenient and familiar versions of ourselves. Well, guess what? I. I think I was doing that too. Which brings us to the last chapter of the Suzanne the swan story. And maybe the first chapter of a new book about Susie the girl. Susie the human being who is like you, becoming newer every day. Take a listen.

Okay. Well, we've just. We're sort of halfway around the pond and it's such a glorious day and my heart is filled with so much happiness today. It's just so beautiful. I kind of think like this walk.

I do early, early Sunday morning is.

Like church before church because the nature is just so splendid.

And.

Anyway, I have had this incredibly strange and maybe marvelous sensation that. Get your mouth off of that.

Audrey.

This marvelous sensation that I am looking all around at the pond and I. I don't miss Susie at all. She's gone. She moved on.

She left and she went to go make a new life. I'm happy for her. If she came back, I'd be. I think I might even say, why are you back? Go keep pursuing your new life, wherever it was. I am actually kind of changing this narrative. We can do that, by the way. I think we really can. I'm changing the narrative of her, and I think it must mean that I'm.

Changing the narrative of me.

And you know, heck, cuz it all comes back to becoming you.

We can all change the narrative of us. We can.

Again. It's like I was talking to somebody the other day and she said, I'm just so exhausted all the time. What do you say to that? And I said, the only choice you have is to substitute that word exhausted for growing like, instead of saying, I am so exhausted, saying, I am so growing. Because we get exhausted when we're learning and doing new things all.

Hold on a second. Stop attacking Pierre. Sir.

Get off of that dog. Anyway, I. It's a beautiful, beautiful day. I. I feel irrational exuberance that Susie the swan has gone and found her new place and her new person.

You know, the thing is, it's dawning.

On me that when I was missing her and Chris Christmas, when I was hoping that she would come back, and.

I, like, even said to people for Christmas, pray that Susie comes back, I was holding on to this identity.

It wasn't. It had been a new identity for.

Me five years ago of being a person, taking on the world alone. And I grew into that identity.

I mean, to the point where my kids were like, you know, we need an intervention here, because you can over.

Identify with certain things. And it was very noble to be the lonely widow.

So.

And so it's funny, a couple months pass and, you know, we have to shake it up.

And I am constantly telling my students.

And people who come to the workshops.

Like, yeah, it's time to let go of that. That safe place. And I, you know, I have this.

Word scarephoria, which is that growth happens when you're both terrified and hopeful, you know, a little euphoric about what the future might hold. And I. I think I am stepping into that phase of my life myself now.

I've been talking about it long enough, and I definitely have been in it in the past.

Sir, stay with me. And I think saying goodbye to Susie and bidding her farewell as part of my narrative and stopping pining for.

For her is.

Is saying goodbye to that part and stepping into the scare for you of saying, I don't know what I am now in terms of my. I mean, I know what I am.

I'm a professor and a podcaster.

But I don't know, maybe there's space in my life, I don't know. So for something else.

So.

I invite you to do all this stuff, and I'm doing it, too.

That's what I want you to know.

I love you so much for listening to this podcast. I hope she's found her too, Nate. Anyway, crazy ending to that story. I don't know. It took me a while, but I am changing my narrative also because I'm kind of getting out there now, if.

You know what I mean.

And I'm happy she is. I don't miss her anymore. She did what she had to do. She left her safe and cozy place, and sometimes we all have to do that, and.

And I think maybe now I even.

Love her more than I ever have.

Becoming youg is produced by Jessie Baker and Eric Newsom of Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Muska Nagpal and Kristen Muller, with help from Eliza Zinn, Hallie Reiner, Maddie Paul and Tanya Joji. I'm your host, Susie Welch, and this is becoming you.