It Was Supposed to be a Business Trip

Hey, everybody. Hi, it's Susie Welch, and this is the Becoming youg Podcast, where we boldly and recklessly.

Endeavor to help you answer the question, what should I do with my life?

That is the big question we spent our whole lives answering. We have got this one wild and precious life, don't we? And I would love for you to have it. And that's what the Becoming youg Methodology is all about. So on this podcast, I sort of talk about different ways to do this methodology and different aspects of it, but actually today we're going to take a little bit of a left turn and I want to tell you about a recent trip to England because sort of four fantastic questions were asked of me and it was, it really sort of opened my heart and mind. And I'd love you to ask these questions of yourself. You know, I, I, I'm not going to get like completely fluffy about this and say, like, you know, these questions sort of magically were meant for me. I think I was listening for them. But it was crazy that these four questions came in the order they did. I think what's sort of more important is that I couldn't stop thinking about them afterwards. So what I'm going to share them with you. I just want to tell you about my trip, though. So why did I go to the uk? Well, this is a very important question because who goes to the UK on a Saturday evening and returns on Tuesday morning? What? Because I have a lot of stuff going on and because I've got dogs and I just miss them and I don't know. So I did this very fast trip. There were two purposes for it. One was to go talk to my PhD advisors at the University of Bristol in England, where I'm getting my PhD in values formation as part of the business school. And the second part was to give a speech in London to a bunch of industrial executives as part of my work as a special advisor at the Brunswick Group, which is a renowned international consulting firm where I'm very lucky to be a special advisor. And they put together a group of, of executives from big industrial companies. And I went to go talk to them about becoming you, actually, and about sort of how it deployed in organizations. By the way, there's a whole corporate organizational aspect to becoming you, where companies can use it to help their people discover their authentic purpose. I don't really talk about that that much on this podcast, but I love doing it in corporations. I think corporations should do it more. I think corporations should give their employees the gift of discovering their authenticity I think they'd stay longer, personally, but that's. That's another podcast. But anyway, I went on over and I landed first thing in the morning at Heathrow Airport. And the plan was for me to take a car down to. Or maybe it's east to Bath, England. Why Bath, England, you ask? And the answer is that that is where my thesis advisor lives. And as this was Sunday, I was meeting him at his house to talk about my thesis. And then we were gonna go have lunch with the head of the business school, who also happens to live in Bath. And if you've ever been to Bath, you'll know why people live there. It's like a charming country city that was settled by the Romans in 60 AD because there's hot mineral springs there. And the Romans were like, this is cool. We. We own England. Let's build a walled city here and enjoy the baths. It's extremely beautiful, but it's also kind of a suburban outpost for Bristol, which is a really big city of 600,000 people, and that's where the university is. But on Sunday, I was going to go over to see my thesis advisor, but there was a small problem with which was that I sort of miscalculated when my plan was gonna land. And also, my plane landed early. And also, since it was first thing in the morning, there was no traffic. And I got to Bath two hours before I was supposed to meet with my thesis advisor. And I've done inappropriate and kind of obnoxious things before in my life, but knocking on my thesis Advisor's door at 9 in the morning on a Sunday just felt like a little bit outside the lines, even for me. So I'm in the car and I realize I've got two hours to kill in Bath, England. And this is different than, say, having to kill two hours in London, but it's a Sunday morning, okay? And I have to tell you that without a moment's pause, I just googled churches in Bath, England, with services at 9:30, and up popped this place called the Bath Abbey. I could tell from the pictures it was. It was. It was built in, like, you know, a thousand years ago. And it was just an incredible structure. It was a soaring Gothic cathedral. And as I pulled it to Bath, I could hear the bells tolling. And I said to the driver, just let me out here. Cause I thought I was close, but no, I had to run towards the sound of the bells. And I arrived at the church just before 9:30, and I was dragging my suitcase behind me on these cobblestone roads. It was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'm completely out of breath. Remember, I had just been flying for five or six hours and then been in the car for two hours, but I was going to make it to that service. And the bells were really beautiful. And it ends up they were in fact tolling for me. And I ran towards them and I got to the door and there, standing at the door, there's this gigantic sign that says, no suitcases allowed. And there was a little old man standing there. He had to be about 90 years old. He had a little twinkle in his eye. He was so freaking British. I mean, he was just a charming guy. And he said, I'm sorry, with his British accent, which I'm not going to mimic. You can't come in, you've got a suitcase. And I said, oh, please, please, please. I, I, I've run here across town. I'm just here from the United States. I'm too early to see a friend. I don't want to knock on his door. It's too early. It's my thesis advisor. I'm getting my PhD at the University of Bristol. I'm just an American girl who really wants to go to church. And he said, hold on a minute. And he went inside the church and he brought out a woman who was just as old as he was. And she looked me up and down, and she was another greeter, and she looked me up and down and she said, let her in. And I looked, you know, just like exactly what I was, which was a frazzled American tourist who wanted to go to church. And then as I was walking in, the fella, the bloke said to me, so, what brings you here?

And I said, well, I'm, I have a PhD thesis and I'm meeting my thesis advisor on a Sunday. And he kind of looked at me like this was an inadequate answer. And then church was starting and the music was insane. It was just beautiful. The choir was coming in and I sat down with my suitcase at my feet and I had a very beautiful experience. It was a, it was actually sort of a very holy kind of ancient experience. And this is not to go on and on about my faith. Everybody has a right to whatever they want to do. It happens to be that it's important to me. It was a beautiful hour. But, oh my God, I kept coming back to this question. What brings you here? It was a funny question, wasn't it? What brings you here? And I thought, what brings me here? Like I could do I could have done anything with those two hours. I could have found a little coffee shop and gotten a delicious British scone. I could have picked up a copy of the Guardian and found out what was going on in the Guardian, which is always good for a laugh because that's a crazy, crazy newspaper. I could have, like, on sightseeing, there's many, many beautiful sights, and I wanted to see them. I could have found like a. A quiet park and I could have made phone calls to friends. I mean, but I. I was brought there to this hard wooden bench with a bunch of people who are strangers, but not really strangers, just fellow pilgrims to sort of hear about my, as I like to put it, my radical imperfection. I was called to be reminded of my. That's what happens in church, by the way. I was called to be reminded of my flaws. And, I mean, there was a lot. The sermon was about sin. And I'm used to it, like, where we are falling short. I needed to hear it. I. I need to be reminded. I think I constantly need to have some humble pie and be reminded to be more humble and to not let anything make me believe that I'm more than I am. That is, I need that. And what brought me there was knowing myself, knowing who I was and who I want to be. I know myself well enough to know that I need to be told that once a week. And I know who I want to be, which is a person who is not the worst version of myself, but the best. And I need a guide for that. Everybody has their own guides. This happens to be mine. No judgment. And so that question, what brings you here? Was very profound. And I think actually it's one we can all ask ourselves when we're sitting someplace. We're sitting at our desk, we're on the subway way, we're waiting for a kid, we're on our way. Something. What brings me here? What were the values that brought me here? I happen to have this value that in becoming you, we call cosmos, which is basically a higher power or God or spirituality as a life organizing principle. And that's what brought me there, was my value of cosmos. And you know, if you are sitting waiting in your car right now for your kid to get out of soccer practice and you maybe have given up your career for that, maybe what brought you to that, where you are at this moment is the value of family centrism. Maybe it's the value of belonging, but there's some value. We are all someplace, very rarely, by accident. A value brought us there and that was that moment. And I loved that question. And frankly, if that had been the only question that had sort of been asked me along the way, I would have thought, wow, what a profound thing that was. And then after church ended, I got out my handy dandy Google, Google Maps and I found, oh, I found the map. And I walked, pulling my suitcase behind me on the cobblestone streets. A mile and a half to my advisor's very charming like 18th century row house. I came in, I really, this is crazy. I had to go to the bath. And he said, it's on the third floor which shows you how old the house was. And I, we sat in his kitchen and we talked and talked and talked about my thesis and I felt very encouraged. He's so smart, he really helps my thinking. And then we went out to lunch. Well, that was like at 7am my time, but it was noon their time. And I, for the first time in my life, I had a bunch bottle of wine at seven in the morning. Very underrated. It was a wonderful experience. We had a really good time and we talked more about my thesis. Okay, so the next question was interesting. It came the next night. I got to London, I did a little walking tour of London. I went to the National Portrait Gallery and it was unfortunately closed, but I wanted to get in, but anyway, then went off to give my speech to the industrialists. This was in a restaurant. There was a private dining room. I put on a fancy pants dress. And they were a wonderful group of people who run big gritty, grimy industrial companies in England. They've been gathered to hear me speak. And I gave my talk and I talked about becoming you. I talked about purpose in organizations and retention. It was like a true corporate kind of speech. But then after I was done, people stayed in, mingled. It was interesting. It was a great feeling in the crowd. And I was talking to a lot of the executives there. And then I noticed that there was a woman who kept on moving one seat closer and closer to me. And finally she was close enough to me to ask her question, which it seemed that she had wanted to be asking me. I thought it was going to be something about business. And instead she leaned in very closely and she said, what drives you? And I was like, oh my God. I said, how much time do you have? And I said, you know, I happen to know the answer to that question because I teach this class and I've taken a lot of tests and I do know what drives me. I'm what's called an achiever. I'm driven by validation. I need to, you know, I need to feel validated all the time. She said, no, no, no. Really, what drives you? And it was interesting because I gave her the very technical answer. And I think that that answer that I gave her was really true. Kind of five or 10 years ago or when, like 20 years ago, after I was fired from HBR, I needed to be revalidated. And so I like to hear the cheers and the claps, but as I've gotten older and wiser and it's less about that, something else is driving me. And she just looked at me very expectantly, and I said, I have to think about it for a second. And she said, oh, come on. And I said, honestly? And she said, yes. And I said, I think it's love. And she said, really? I think she thought I was going to say something like, I have a boyfriend, which I don't. And I said, I just. I love the people who I meet doing. Becoming you. I feel so close to them. I feel empathy for them. And it's. If there's something I can't describe, I do believe it's love and I want more of it. And she said, okay. She took me at my word. I take me at my word. Maybe a therapist would have a heyday with that. But I think, honestly, I think that's what it is. So when I say I love you at the end of this podcast, I mean it. And I. To answer that question, I think that's what it is. But I want to just back up for a second and say that is the question we must ask ourselves. And it is sort of what values gets at, what drives us. Values are about our motivations and understanding our motivations. And the value that's around love is called belonging. This sense of wanting to belong to something and somebody besides yourself. And if you have a strong impulse to be part of a group or to be connected or to be in a relationship or relationships, that is the value of belonging. And you know what? Not everyone has it in the same amount. And. And I think I have it in a very high amount. I really want it. I really need it. And I think I'm really driven by it. And I think I'll ask that question to you that was asked of me by that woman because it's a. It's a values question, and it's a values reveal. Okay. That night was over, and I went back to my hotel room to go to sleep. And so I was gonna get up at 5am to fly back. And of course, I couldn't sleep because my clock was all screwed up. So I stayed awake and I worked, because I'm also driven by work, but I'm driven by work, I think, because of love. And I got to the airport at 6am and I was taking the little subway out to my airplane. And it was very sparse, people. And I saw this elderly couple get on the little subway train with me. And they were older. And I thought, wow, how cool. I mean, older, older, like 85. And I was standing right near them, and they were sitting with all of their bags. And I thought, how cool that they travel together. I want to be like that. I want to keep going. I want to keep moving. They were adorable. And then, I'm sorry, but I sort of couldn't take my eyes off of them. And then a funny thing happened. She grabbed his hand, she took his hand, and he squeezed her hand. And then they kind of did this thing with their hands that suggested to me that this was something that they. They do with each other all the time. It was like a weird gesture where they squeezed, lifted, and then dropped their hands. And it reminded me right at that moment of how Jack and I used to do this thing where we used to have our open hands and we would touch our fingertips to each other. I know. Please don't cringe, but every couple has stuff like this, okay? And every couple has some weird thing that they do. Like, Jack and I had this thing where one, one of us said, I love you. The other person would always, invariably, constantly, invariably say, you don't know what love is, okay? We said this to each other, and it used to drive the kids crazy, so that if they heard one of us say to each other, I love you, they would all shout simultaneously, you don't even know what love is. Okay? So every couple has this stuff. And I saw them do one of these things, and I was looking right at them, and I smiled at what they were doing, at the memory of marriage and love and intimacy. And the woman caught my eye, and she looked right at me, and she said to me, who do you miss?

I almost died. There must have been an expression on my face that I was looking at her with more than just sort of like a vague, friendly smile in passing. I must have had some expression because she read my mind. And I said back to her, him. And she just nodded at me. And I think that.

I don't know, at that point I was really in receive mode for questions. And I thought how amazing that she knew what was going on and how amazing that she just reached across the broad aisle of strangerhoodness to be intimate with me and in that moment. And I also think this question, who do you miss? Is a very big one. Not for everybody who's just experienced loss as, you know, big loss, significant loss, but even for anybody who has not. We miss people and things from our past. We have a certain nostalgia. It's important, I think, to enter that and access it and understand it. Did we give up a value? Did we give up something we really needed? Why? Why? So I got off and I thought, well, three questions would be quite enough. I was kind of staggering at that point. I got onto the plane and I thought, I am definitely sleeping on this plane because when I get home, I've got to write a lecture. And I had a lot of things to do, and it had to be, like, a very productive day. And I got into the plane and I, like, you know, was ready to put the blanket up over me, and plane was just about to take off, and I thought, oh, you know, darn, I'm really thirsty. I'm not gonna be able to sleep unless I get some water. So I bing, bing. And the flight attendant came over and he kneeled down. I don't know why he kneeled down. Maybe because he couldn't hear me. And he said, hi, and I said, hi. And before I could say, I, can I get some water? He said, is this the end of your travels?

It's like, what is going on here? And I said, no. No. Well, yes, I guess, you know, technically, I'm. Yeah, I'm going home. But my first answer was no, no, no. And I love this question. I love it. He really asked that, okay, is this the end of your travels? And the answer is no. Please ask yourself that question. Is this the end of your travels? And maybe it is. Maybe you're in this perfect place and you don't want to travel anymore. I have friends like this. I have a sister like this. She's in a beautiful, perfect place. She's a perfect marriage. Long time perfect marriage. She and her husband are very happy. They're satisfied, they're content. And it is. I mean, I hope they live for another 40 years. But they're not looking or seeking or searching anymore. They're living. They're existing. They're hovering in their moment. I am not done traveling. And my guess is that if you're listening to this podcast, maybe you are not. Also that we are still traveling. We are traveling on this road to becoming you. The Editor of my book, Hollis Heimbeck, the great Hollis Heimbeck, said to me, the thing about the way you think about becoming you, Susie, is you're all about the ing. You're all about the becoming you. And I said, that's so true. I mean, this is, to me, the eternal journey, the non stop journey. It's over when it's over, but until then, you are still becoming you. And this question, are your travels over? God, I hope not. And if they are over, then I hope it's because you are in your area of transcendence. And it is so good and so sweet and so satisfying that you want to hover there. And your travels are over in the most beautiful and best way. But if you feel like they're over and you're not feeling that and it's not good, then don't give up. Don't stop. Keep going. I've had people write me all the time saying, is it too late? Is it too late to do this? Is it too late to do that? It is never too late, okay? And that's part of why I love becoming you, because it is the methodology for the way forward. When you feel like you have tried everything else, you have not yet tried becoming you, and I invite you to do that. And. And I just had such a journey with those four questions. Okay? You know, think. You think about this first one. What brings you here? And I thought about my value of cosmos and the need to be reminded again and again of who I am and who I want to become. And then that next question, what drives you? Yeah. Heck yeah. Better be accessing that and understanding it so that I can stay on the right road for me and to make sure that my motivations are the right ones and ones that I'm proud of and I'm okay with and aligned with. And then to be saying, who do you miss was this? You know, there was just something about it. I mean, not just the question, but the fact that somebody was willing to be intimate and vulnerable with me in a subway in London and to recognize my humanity just from some kind of expression on my face. An idea that we would just recognize each other's humanity when we could. What a gift she gave me. And then finally, Dougie, the flight attendant, who said, are your travels over? Allowing me to reflect that they are not over yet. I don't know if they ever will be. I sort of love the journey. I'm along on the journey with you and you are with me, and I love that we are fellow travelers, fellow pilgrims, so those four questions really stayed with me on my trip to England. I hope you ask them of yourself. If you have any answers to them, tell them to me in my DMs. That's how you usually write me in my DMs of Instagram or find me on LinkedIn. I picture you in my mind when I'm doing this podcast and I have so much love for you and I'm so glad you're here. Come back again next week. I hope you're having a great week. If you're not, I hope it gets better and until we meet again, keep on becoming you.