Are You Showing Up as Your True Self?

So if I were you, I would be the most authentic version of me possible in every single interaction with any woman that I come in contact with that I, you know, intend on dating or being in a relationship with. Because if you don't, your inauthentic version, the avatar, will only attract a, a woman who is compatible with that guy. And once the real you finally shows up, there's going to be incompatibility, and your— the mask is going to fall off, and you're going to find yourself in a relationship that doesn't feel right. So you have to be fully you. You have to be fully authentic in order to find that person.

Yeah, I get it.

Okay, let me ask you this. What's the stuck point for you? Because you're stuck, you're frustrated, and I can tell.

Yeah, I almost said it again. Um, the, the stuck point, Kim, is I'm just not like aligning. Like, I'm not— I feel like I've, I feel like I've lost so much, so much like awareness. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Um, I, I, I hit this mountain. I, I made this big you know, over so many months of doing a lot of this inside-out work, and I almost like hit a peak, and then I slowly, slowly just kind of started to not fall backwards, but just, you know, stumble. And it's— there's been a lot of positives that come through a lot of those stumbles and challenges because the tools that I have now are not tools that I have had in the past, but it's— I guess there's a part of me that thinks that it should be a little bit easier than this. Like, I shouldn't have to scrape and claw and clench my fists to be authentic. You know, it shouldn't be the most uncomfortable thing in the world, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Well, authenticity should not be something that— where effort is applied. Effort is applied in the facade and the mask. The mask and the facade require a lot of psychological energy. For you, authenticity, brother, that's just— that's the natural way that you emanate who you really are inside. Authenticity doesn't mean that you share every last gory detail of your life on the first date. Authenticity just means that you're comfortable being— yeah, you're comfortable being you and you don't operate out of insecurity. But what I'm really hearing from you at the end of the day is that you're frustrated about the fact that you're— you haven't met somebody yet, or that this hasn't, in your mind, quote unquote, paid off in the way that you wanted it to.

Yeah.

Okay, if it took you 5 years of working on yourself to find the love of your life, would it be worth it?

Yeah, it would.

Okay, but I want to, I want to take it a step deeper here with you because I can tell that it's, it's something deeper that you have to connect to. Did you have a narcissistic parent growing up?

Yeah, my dad.

Okay, do you know what one of the symptoms of growing up with a narcissistic parent is? Or a symptom of narcissistic abuse syndrome. You know what it is, a symptom of it?

Uh, not off the top of my head, no.

Identity erosion. It's identity erosion, Justin. Your whole entire life you've created versions of who you believed you were supposed to be for other people. And I think the frustrating part for you is you're not fully done getting to know and love who you are. And I think that you've always kind of had an expectation or strings attached to that, that, yeah, I want to do this work inevitably so I can have this result with this person. But what I'm seeing from you is that, that, that hasn't come into your life yet because that work isn't actually fulfilled and completed. How much of this is, is, is not happening in the external versus how much of this is actually far more connected to the conditioning that's still in control? And the way that you go back to criticizing and, you know, judging yourself for what you are not doing, when in reality this is a byproduct of the fact that for the first time in 40 years you've actually been able to be yourself.

I understand what you're saying. That's why it's— that's why it's a new concept for me, and I have no reference point of it.

Yeah, okay. But talk to me about why is your affect so flat? Why are you despondent in this? There's something else there. What is it? I can hear like you're somber and you're overwhelmed, or you're tired, or you're exhausted, or I can see the kind of eff it attitude coming through. What are you frustrated about? Like, own it, even if it sounds stupid. What is it?

I guess like, I wish it wasn't this hard.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, there it is.

I wish it wasn't. I wish it wasn't this, this hard. And the, the deeper we go, the harder we work, the more we uncover the more resentment I hold towards, you know, my parents. Um, it's just, it's just a, just like a circle.

Yeah, totally get that, bro. But in reality, if you think about it, it's all hard because living in the way you were living before was hard too.

Yeah, it was very hard. Yeah.

And now you've just chosen You're hard. You got to choose your hard, and you chose this, which is hard.