A man tells his wife that constantly bringing up his past addiction, affairs, and divorce keeps him trapped in shame. He's changed, he says, and rehashing old wounds hurts them both. He asks her to see who he is now, not who he was.
But the reason when it's brought up that it triggers you the way that it does is still a part of you kind of identifies with that. Why? Because you identify with the projection. Your wife brings it up and says, right, and she kind of brings it up, weaponizes it against you, kind of throws it in your face. And then how do you feel about that? You feel attacked because it's a part of you that you haven't learned to forgive yourself for and to recognize that I'm not that guy. That's part of the reason why I stopped doing all that is because I don't identify with that guy. And that shame and that guilt that I felt when I did that was a reminder of who I didn't I want to be. That's why I change the behavior. So when my wife brings it up, it's— you know what's powerful for you is to recognize somebody can bring up the past. Like, somebody could bring up my addiction or divorce or something I've done that's hurt other people. But in that moment, I can recognize, is it necessary for me to connect to this emotionally or not? Because sometimes things get brought up, bro, and it's, it's not— it's not healthy for me to connect to that emotionally in that moment. It's important for me to actually emotionally detach from it. Okay, you want to talk about the emotional affair, right? I can talk about that with you. But I understand that in that moment, I don't need to express this. But it's not healthy for me to connect to this emotionally in the way that you want me to, to feel whatever guilt and shame, right? Your wife thinks that you feeling the guilt or shame is somehow going to remind you of what not to do, or somehow that's going to— no, what it is, it's her offsetting the resentment and putting that back on you because she's not actually processing it and working through it. But you can recognize in that moment, I've already connected to this. I've already felt this. I've already made the change because of the way this has made me feel. I've already felt the shame and guilt. That's why I changed. So when you bring it up again, I'm not going to connect to that shame and guilt again. I'm going to be reminded through this that, A, you're resentful, that, B, a boundary needs to be set, that, C, I'm open to talk about this with you, but I have to emotionally detach if I do that. Why? Because it's not healthy for me to continually go back to the past, as it's not healthy for you to go back to the past and you to relive the past and, and for you to not be able to move beyond this. And you can't use me as the scapegoat for why you're still resentful. You can't use me as an opportunity to project onto me something that you haven't worked through entirely. So look at me, honey. Look at me. I love you. I love you. But I want to know something. Is it possible for you to see me as somebody else? Other than the guy that I was? Because if you can't, what kind of hope do we have to have a healthy marriage? If you can't see me beyond my addictions, beyond my afflictions, beyond my struggle, if you're going to hold that against me, then how could you ever really truly love me? Yeah.
