Tim Arrigo argues that marriage communication problems stem from lack of emotional connection, not talking itself. Men suppress emotions due to social stigma, leading to invalidation and feeling unseen. The fix: emotional self-connection, regulation, learning emotion language, and empathy.
Do you know what the number one problem that most people have in their marriage is? See, a lot of people think it's communication, but it's not actually communication, it's connection. See, connection to your emotional world. See, when you're not connected to your emotional world, you can't be connected to your wife's, meaning you can't empathize with her because you have to be connected to your own emotions before you understand somebody else's. So that means that you have to understand, A, how to regulate emotion, B, understand the language of emotion, so increase your emotional intelligence, and C, you have to understand, right, ways to manage those emotions. So what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? And what do I do with these feelings? Because if we can't regulate emotion, if we can't understand emotion, And if we can't express our emotions, then what happens is we're limited in our ability to connect with the other person, which in turn creates communication problems. See, it's not a problem with your communication. It's a problem with your emotion regulation, the way you express emotion, and the way you understand your feelings. So next time you get in an argument with your wife, start to understand that this isn't about a breakdown in communication. It's about not not understanding what one another feels. The absence of the understanding, the empathy, truly comes from a place in you where you don't understand your own emotions. Because most men develop a relationship with emotion— because of stigmas and, you know, stereotypes— they suppress emotion. They bottle it up. They bury it. They dissociate and separate themselves from what they feel. They judge themselves for having certain feelings, which in turn inhibits their ability to validate somebody else's emotions. So you create invalidation. You disagree because you see it from a logical standpoint. You don't see it from an emotional standpoint. You can't see it from an emotional perspective. And so because you don't agree logically, you invalidate it. And then your wife says, I feel unseen, I feel unheard, and I feel unloved. So next time you're having a breakdown in communication, understand that it's not really Communication, it's connection, emotional connection that begins with you.
