A man blaming his wife for marital problems is actually the problem. The speaker tells Tim that ego, defensiveness, and poor emotional intelligence keep couples stuck in loveless marriages. Real change starts when the husband confronts his own shortcomings and stops expecting his wife to fix what's broken in him.
I was talking to a client earlier and he told me, he said, you know, Tim, he said, if my wife loved me, I just feel like she would change for me. And see, sometimes we have this mentality that our wives owe us something so that if my wife truly cares about me, that she would modify her behavior in order to meet my needs. But here's the problem with that. Are you satisfied with who you are right now? Or do you know that you don't have a clear conscience because you know that you're not living in alignment with the man that you need to be, the man that God created you to be at your full potential, self-actualized? See, you know this. You have a guilty conscience. You have cognitive dissonance. You have disharmony that lives inside of you because you know that you're not living in alignment. So let me ask you, so if your wife was to change, to conform to this version of you that you are right now, then how would that be beneficial? Or how would that be able to take your marriage into a loving union filled with respect, gratitude, mutual understanding? How would it ever, ever happen? See, the fact is is that you live behind your wall of self-manipulation, your wall of self-deception, that you can't see the problem and you expect things to change externally before you change internally. When do things change, Tim? Things change, you know, my wife needs to change. No, you know when things change is when you change. Is when you change. When you understand how hard-headed and egotistical you actually are. When you understand how defensive, how walled off you actually are, when you understand how you lack vulnerability, you lack emotional intelligence, how your conflict resolution skills are poor. See, the day, brother, that you walk in acknowledgment with that truth is the day that you can solve it. Because you can't defeat what you can't define. You can't change what you can't name. You can't conquer what you don't confront. And so by not confronting it, not acknowledging it, you live in denial. And that's a way that you've dealt with it. Look at your apathy, your apathy, your attitude of indifference. Bro, you're in a roommate situation with your wife and you don't act like this is a priority to solve. You've literally become accustomed to living a life that's far below your standards. You've become accustomed and tolerated a life, tolerated a marriage, a loveless marriage. That you participate and engage in every single day. You have become to tolerate this life. That's how blinded you are. You've lost your edge. You don't want to fight this battle. You don't want to put in this work. And then you're sitting in a position of like, well, it's just the way that it is. Just can't make my wife happy. Oh, is that the reality? And that, oh, my wife would change if she loved me. What kind of leader does that? Why are you not adaptable? Why are you not flexible? Why are you not receptive? Why are you not open-minded? Why do you not understand the power of influence? It didn't get like this overnight. And I'm sure that you can point out precipitating events that led you to this disintegrated marriage that you're in now? And how blinded do you have to be to believe that you didn't contribute to it? Oh, it takes two to tango though, Tim. Here comes your excuses again. I can hear them already. See, the day that your life changes, brother, is the day that you stop using your wife's behavior and you stop waiting for your wife to change and saying that she needs to change if she truly loved you, and using that as scapegoat, to stay stuck, continue to self-sabotage, and live a life and be engaged in a marriage that's no longer bringing out the best version of both of you. Remove the blinders, man. Wake up.
