Tim Arrigo tells men to stop people-pleasing in marriage and set boundaries instead. He warns against self-betrayal and martyrdom, arguing that reclaiming self-worth and asserting your needs is how you become a real leader in your relationship.
You need to stop the people pleasing, my brother, or you are going to put yourself in a position in your marriage where none of your needs are met. And you create a power struggle inside your marriage where people learn to treat you in a way that devalues you. Stand up for yourself and what you deserve. Stand up for yourself and what you deserve. Where did you receive that message that your needs, that your desires and what you want isn't important? Because if you consistently put yourself last, last, then guess what? You're gonna settle for table scraps and you're gonna put off this energy of neediness and desperation because your sense of self-worth is dependent on others. You're more afraid of how other people will react to what you want and what you need inside your marriage than you are to disrespecting, devaluing, abandoning, and betraying yourself. Let's go, brother. Standards. It's time to create new standards in your life about what you want, about what you deserve, and about what you're going to have. But here's the reality. You better not be a hypocrite. Because if you want to create those standards in your life, well, that means that you better treat other people with respect. And you bear it better. Carry yourself with dignity. Brother, chin up! Chin up! Chest up! You're not a loser. Stop walking in self-defeat. Stop walking in self-betrayal. Stop abandoning, neglecting, and abusing yourself. Stop settling for table scraps. God, God, he has a feast for you. And see, it's feast or famine. You want to starve? You want to starve? You want to settle for breadcrumbs? You want to put off that energy of like, well, you know, her needs are more important, and let me just consistently apologize, and let me always put myself in a position where my wife exalts herself over me. And inevitably, it's always going to backfire on you. Because you think, if I just put my wife's needs first, then maybe my wife will see how much I love her, and then maybe she'll reciprocate. Your wife doesn't want that. Your wife wants a leader. Your wife wants a man. Your wife wants you to know what you want and what you need. Because check it out, if those needs aren't met, it's inevitable you won't have a marriage. And if you do, it's not gonna be healthy. So today, on this day, my brother, as you hear this message, as a message of truth from another brother who was the biggest people pleaser, Understand that you received a message at some point in time in your life from someone else prior to your marriage that told you what, how you feel, what you need, and what you want, and what you deserve, and your future is not as important as how other people think and feel about you. And that is a lie. That is a lie that Satan feeds you. That is a lie that the enemy feeds you to get you to do what? Give up everything beautiful in your life. And put other people before yourself. Now, there's a time for servanthood. There's a time for selflessness. And see, it's okay. It's okay to put other people's needs before your own occasionally. It's okay to do that, but it can't be a way of life. You can't be a martyr in your marriage. Stop. Because the only person that you're hurting at the end of the day is you. And a hurt you can't help anybody else. A hurt you can't have a healthy marriage. A hurt you can't be a powerful husband. A hurt you can't be a powerful father. A hurt you can't love you. And when you can't love you, well, you know how that ends.
