A counselor tells a husband that both he and his wife have hurt each other, but each sees themselves as the victim. She won't examine her own role because staying hurt means avoiding responsibility. He feels unloved because of this cycle. Real forgiveness requires both partners to own what they've done.
You need to look at all that. She's got to look at all that, just like you got to look at all that. But you can't make one another responsible for fixing it, because no matter what she does, those wounds are still there. And no matter what you do, those wounds are still there. And, and here's the thing, you did do those things. It's not like you haven't done things that have hurt her. That is really real for her. But it's really real for you too, right? And I think it's very easy for us a lot of times to pretend like we're the victim in a relationship and not recognize that a lot of times we're the perpetrator. And I think you're at the point now where you're saying to me, hey Tim, I've recognized that I both— I've been both. I've been both, right? And how can I get my wife to acknowledge that she's been both? And I think you got to recognize what does she get out of that right? If she— if she's only the victim in the relationship, then she never has to self-examine. The real question is, why do you not self-examine? Now, from my perspective as a husband, how does that make me feel? Well, it makes me feel like I'm not loved, that you don't care about me, that you don't value me, that you don't care about how I feel, right? And brother, that's the conversation you got to have with her, is when she brings that stuff up, it's, yeah, I did do that, and I've acknowledged that, but This is what the conversation I'm trying to have is these things happen too. And I don't need you to own it to know that it hurt me. I don't need you to own it for me to feel what I need to feel in order for me to move forward. I don't need you to own it, but I need you to understand something. You and I will never be connected in a place where we can forgive each other and not have a toxic cycle of resentment and weaponizing the past if that doesn't happen. So let me ask you this million-dollar question to your wife. Is that something you— do you believe that's something that you want? Do you believe that we can have a healthy marriage without both of us owning our part?
