Someone describes their relentless drive to fix themselves through hard work and a decisive leap, but hasn't made it yet. A therapist explains how shame and guilt actually justify self-destructive habits that feel good in the moment, trapping you in a cycle that's hard to break.
So, you know, I've been taking lots and lots of notes and stuff and understanding to heal myself and to be my best self. I have to achieve that goal. I have to work hard towards that goal and taking the leap of in me doing so, then all of these other problems are going to fix themselves somehow. I haven't really gotten to that leap across that chasm, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to fix the issues and deal with my own personal issues.
Yes. And I'll tell you from experience that oftentimes we— there's reasons why we do things, right? There's emotional motivators. And a lot of the time I wouldn't let go of beating myself up because that shame and that guilt gave me a justification and a scapegoat, gave me a reason to engage in vices and self-destructive behaviors that brought me pleasure, that made me feel comfort, that gave me relief, that gave me a little euphoria that gave me a little something to escape.
Yeah.
So if Bob doesn't have guilt and shame and he has peace inside of himself, there's nothing to escape. Basically what I'm saying is there's, there's, there's no scapegoat to engage in self-destructive tendencies, to engage in vices or other behaviors. So what it sounds like to me is that, you know, that in order for you to be above all this and for you to, to really like not even to just go along with this and just agree that, yeah, I agree with this clinician that, yeah, maybe we shouldn't try to force something that isn't meant to be, right? Forcing people to have relationships, let alone my two grown adult daughters. Be different if it were all living in the same home and they were young kids, right? But we're talking about my two grown adult daughters who are in their, right, in their 30s. So why can't I let this go? Well, I can't let it go because I feel this obligation to keep the peace with my family. And this disconnection between my current wife and my two daughters, it makes me feel like I'm in the middle and that I can't keep the peace, that I'm not in control. And it feels like one more thing in my life where my past is creeping up again and I'm beating myself up for the past. I'm in this shame and guilt that causes me to self-sabotage my marriage. It only creates more experiences that will eventually become my past. That I will then use to beat myself up more and reinforce this cycle. But there's a reason that I'm doing this, and the reason is because it gives me a reason to continue to engage in behaviors that are counterproductive to my growth. So the real question here is, do you have a fear of success? What happens when you are self-actualized, self-realized, and on a path of growth and healing? What happens? Well, there's no excuse anymore, right?
