In this YouTube counseling session, John seeks guidance from Tim Arrigo on how to set healthy boundaries with his wife after an emotional affair that has caused lasting hurt and mistrust. John explains that he wants to remain accountable for his past actions while preventing the relationship from being stuck in shame and guilt. Tim validates that boundaries are essential, identifies the wife’s repeated references to the past as expressions of hurt, fear, and resentment, and frames the situation as a trust‑rebuilding process that has been underway for 8–12 months. Tim helps John articulate a boundary that both validates his wife’s feelings and limits the weaponization of past events. He then models a concrete script John could use, emphasizing gratitude for progress, acknowledging lingering tension, requesting that past issues be discussed only when constructive, and inviting his partner to co‑create a path forward. The dialogue highlights themes of accountability, validation, trust repair, the danger of using past hurts as a weapon, and practical communication strategies for moving the relationship toward a healthier future.
Chapters
I've had a pretty, you know, tumultuous relationship based on my past behaviors, essentially. But at what point, you know, do I start drawing boundaries with the way that we interact? So basically continuing to bring up the past when we're having conflict. So we're having conflict and at some point it just becomes almost like an attack, I would say.
But good question. That's a good question. Well, first of all, let's start here. Boundaries are necessary in any relationship, right? We can't have a healthy relationship without boundaries. So there's not really a point where we say, well, when is a good time for me to do this? It's when you decide that you want to have a healthy relationship. So what, what I'm hearing from you is that you feel guilty or like you're not allowed the opportunity to set those boundaries. So where is that coming from in you? Do you feel like you don't have the right to set boundaries?
[Speaker] I think the issue with me is the fact that I want to be accountable for my past actions. So I'm trying to balance the accountability with the new integrity and not reliving the past. So I wanna be accountable for the past, but I don't want to continue to be convicted of the past. I want, at some point, there has to be an acknowledgement of what I've done, but then that's it, just to move on. Like, I should not be able— I don't want to be in that shame that I've had in the past. Like, I know what I've done needed to be reconciled, and it has. At some point, the boundary is, yes, I acknowledge that this has happened, but I cannot continue to go back to what has happened. We have to move forward. Right, right.
So, right, totally right, because Her bringing up the past constantly tells you one thing. It tells you that she's resentful, and she brings up the past because a lot of it is— it's fear and hurt. She's hurt, she's afraid, she brings up the past. It's a part of the resentments, things that she has to process. Boundaries are absolutely mandatory and necessary for you at this time. But let me ask you this: how long have you been on point? And when we talk about the past, going quote-unquote, how far away are we talking?
You know, we're talking a year, you know, 8 months to a year of solid, you know, being solid.
Okay, so 8 to 12 months of you living in alignment, you being dialed, you being tapped in, and you making these changes, but she continually brings up the past. So let me ask you this: when she brings up the past, what kinds of things is she holding on to? Was it things that you did towards her? Is it ways that you hurt her? Or is it more like self-destructive behaviors and tendencies that you have that unintentionally kind of hurt her as the byproduct, kind of like she was collateral damage to some of your behavior.
She was collateral damage to my behavior, and it's infidelity. And I try not to minimize the word infidelity, but it was, um, inappropriate contact with people, but I'm not to the, you know, full extent, if that makes sense. But it's infidelity nonetheless because I'm giving my attention, but Nonetheless, that's what it is. And it's, you know, my, my behaviors in my past, you know, just plain and simple, you know, addictive behaviors and things like that.
Okay, so primarily the emotional affair, or is it other stuff too?
No, it's, it's primarily the emotional affair.
Oh, how do you think that made her feel?
I think it made her feel crushed.
Yeah, when you say crushed, yeah.
Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
I think that it completely destroyed her trust and faith in me, and I think that, um, I think it broke her heart.
Yeah. So part of this is, I think you've done the right thing. You've, you've made the changes. And I think sometimes a lot of people don't want to accept that when someone's hurt because of our behaviors, especially when there's an emotional affair inside of a marriage and other self-destructive behaviors, that a consequence that we have to be willing to pay because of our actions is that this person might be bringing this up, right? Because it's hurt them. It's made them feel insecure. It's made them feel inadequate. It's made them feel inferior. It's made them feel— right, it's hurt them. So she's brought this up for the last 8 to 12 months, and now what I'm hearing from you is, I can no longer live in the past because it brings me back to the shame and guilt of what I, I've done, and inevitably only sets me up for potentially more of that in the future. I've kind of, in my mind, I feel like I've quote unquote paid the price, right, for what I've done, not only in how I've felt about myself, but also in the fact that I've been working through this with my wife. So let me ask you this. Why do you feel like when you say, is now a good time to set the boundaries? What is your biggest fear around that?
When I say boundaries, I try to, I don't want to dismiss her feelings, right? Because I crushed her feelings. I've really disappointed her and I broke her trust, so I want to allow her to continue to— I want her to be able to feel. I don't think I have any right to put a time limit on that part. And I want to acknowledge how she feels, but at the same time, I don't want to be— she talks about it a lot in the present tense. I think that's what it is. And I try to steer away from that and say it's past, that's not my behavior. And I think I have a difficult time articulating the boundary I want to set because I want to validate her feelings, but I don't want to, and I don't want to dismiss them. But at the same time, I want to gear our relationship towards moving towards building back the trust and the intimacy, which I do believe we're doing. But that's where I want to steer it.
John, you could do all those things in the boundary. And I, and I think you really nailed on it. And what it is, John, is it's trust. It's the trust. Yeah, it's that, you know, that the trust is fractured and that, you know, in order to move forward to have something healthy, you guys have to build back the trust. Now, setting boundaries is a part of the way that we do that. Now let's talk about how to do it. Now you can do everything that you just mentioned in the boundary that you want to set.
Right?
Hey honey, I first just want to start off by saying that I'm going to bring something up right now, and I know this might be hard for us to talk about, and I know it's been triggering for you, and I know it's been hard for you and it's hurt you, but I want to say that I'm really grateful that we've been able to move past this as far as we have, but I still feel like there's some tension and some resentment and a lack of trust that I really want to talk about with you, and it's important to me because I love you and I'm invested in this relationship with you. But I want to talk about how, you know, sometimes when the past is brought up, I don't feel like it's healthy for us. I feel like it's counterproductive, and I feel like it's us living in the past and us not able to move into the future, into something new. And I don't want to invalidate or dismiss what you're going through. I want to be open and support you in talking about these things, but I want it to be cathartic and helpful for us. I don't want it to be kind of bringing up the past when we're angry or we're more upset. almost kind of like a scapegoat or a way to maybe hurt somebody or throw that kind of in somebody's face. I feel like that's not the direction that we need to go as two adults and two people that love each other. And moving forward, I'm available to talk to you about the past, I'm available to talk to you about these things, but not if it's going to be brought up as a weapon and the past is going to be weaponized because I've already felt the shame and guilt about all this, I've already felt all that, and I know that it's hurt you and I'm I'm cognizant of that. I'm aware of that. I want to support you in that. But moving forward, I want us to move past the past and build something new. Over the last 8 to 12 months, we've been on a great path, you know, and, and I feel like I've been on a great path. And I really want to ask you and kind of inquire from you, what do you feel like it's going to take in order for us to not bury the past and forget about it, but to move beyond it so we can have something new. Because at some point in time, it almost keeps us stuck and bound emotionally in a past experience that's preventing us from experiencing the love that we have for one another. And I just want to know from you, what does that look like for me? Is that something that you're willing to do with me?
I, I think you hit it too. I think the part for me is the weaponization of it.
