Tim Arrigo explains that boundaries teach people how to relate to you. Set clear standards, model the behavior you expect, and follow through on consequences when they're broken. Boundaries can be flexible, but failing to enforce them is self-neglect.
People treat you the way that you teach them to treat you. So what is a boundary anyway? Is it about trying to control someone or tell them what to do or how to act? It's not. See, a boundary is a form of self-preservation. It's you teaching somebody how to have a relationship with you. And most people, when they try to set boundaries, they talk down to somebody. You need to stop doing this because you don't know how to have a healthy relationship. You don't know how to communicate in A, B, and C. And they're only capable of pointing out the negative in the other person. But try this instead. Try talking up to people. Try telling somebody, hey, you and I are capable of having a healthier relationship. You and I deserve to be here. It's about speaking about a standard that you want to create in your relationship. My question for you is, if you're going to set boundaries, is your behavior congruent with the boundary that you're about to set? Because how could you ever be confident about a boundary that you were trying to establish with another human being if your behavior is not congruent? Because then you just look like a hypocrite. So again, the boundary is not about controlling people. It's about establishing standards, codes in your life, what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate. But a boundary is only a boundary if it has an ultimatum connected to it. Never forget that. So if you're going to set boundaries, then you better know what's going to happen, because a boundary is a guideline. It's a rule. It's a limit that you create to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards you. That's one half. And the other half is How are you going to respond when someone passes those limits? Be clear about that too, because if you don't follow through on that, then that's a form of self-abandonment, self-neglect, self-betrayal. And understand that boundaries aren't black and white either. Sometimes they involve a compromise. No, I won't work these hours, but I'll work these hours. No, I won't engage in this alone, but I will engage with it with somebody else. See, boundaries, it's about knowing your truth. It's not about controlling people.
