How Can I Fix My Marriage if My Spouse Isn't Willing to Change?

Alright guys, welcome everybody that's just joining us. If you don't mind typing in the comments where you're joining from, I'd love to see, you know, who's joining us and where you guys are joining us from. Welcome, welcome everybody that's just joining. Awesome, got some people jumping in. Welcome guys. So tonight I want to talk about a topic that comes up a lot that a lot of people, you know, have asked me over the years. And this is, how do I fix my marriage if my spouse is unwilling to change? How do I fix my marriage if my spouse is unwilling to change? Right? So if you guys would like to comment here, you know, I'd like to hear from you guys. You know, how many of you guys have gone through this? You've been in a situation where you want to fix your marriage, you want to fix your relationship so badly, but your spouse is unwilling to change. So we've all— a lot of us have been in this position before, right? You're Jonathan says, joining in from Canada. What's up, Jonathan? How you doing, brother? Glad you're with me. So yeah, guys, I mean, sometimes we, we are in this position, right? How can I possibly fix my relationship if my spouse is unwilling to change? And that's what I want to talk to you guys about tonight. So I want to give you guys the solution here, okay, to how you fix your relationship if your spouse is unwilling to change. Okay, like I said, a lot of people have asked me this before. So let's talk a little bit about what this is like. So I know some of you guys have experienced this before. So how does this feel when you're in a relationship, right? And you so badly want to change, and you so badly want to change the dynamic that you're in. But your spouse may not want the change, right? You— you want your spouse to be a better person. You want your spouse to change. You want your spouse to forgive you. You want them to treat you differently. You want them to respect you. You want them to listen to you. Want them to desire you. You want them to love you. You want to spend time with them. You want then to wanna spend time with you. A lot of us have been in this situation, right? So if you're going through this right now, type in the comments, you know, I'd love to hear from you guys kind of how you were experiencing this, right? What's up, Don Eric just joined us. Don Eric, what's going on, brother? Don Eric is crushing it. Don Eric, how long you been married? 22 years. Don and I worked together several years ago. Don is absolutely crushing it, has a super healthy and successful marriage. God has totally redeemed his marriage. Don, good to see you, brother. Much love. So doing good, Jonathan. Thanks, brother. Um, so let's talk about this, right? So a lot of us, and again, you guys, I'd love to hear from you guys, you know. Um, so somebody says here, mine says, I know I'm an A, but I love you. Um, he doesn't see a problem. He's narcissistic in his hedonist behaviors. Um, what if they keep promising to change but don't? Okay. And, um, so Trump, okay. Uh, could you— okay, so let's talk a little bit more about this. So, and I'm going to answer all those questions that you guys, you guys could have. I wish I could get my marriage back on track. Hey, Anthony, it's absolutely possible, brother. You can absolutely get your marriage back on track, man. I'm here for you, bro. So I want to tell just a personal story about me. And, you know, I used to expect everyone to be willing to change once I was willing to change. You know, I think that was a lot of the confusion that I had in terms of, you know, power in my life, you know. I, I thought that I had the power to make people change, right? And when we realize, it's like, why? Because a lot of my life I was just dependent on the external environment. I was dependent on, you know, things outside of myself. Every little thing outside of me triggered me. Every little thing outside of me set me off. And so I was very concerned with the external, controlling the external environment, whether it was my success or if it was how people, you know, viewed me, or if it was, you know, you know, the, the, it was just everything on the outside. It was just a lot of stuff on the outside. I neglected really what was going on on the inside. And let's just say I wasn't giving myself my best. And I knew this, right? I knew deep down inside that I wasn't really giving myself my best, right? I expected everyone to change if I was willing to change. I sought comfort Honestly, I, I sought comfort in other people agreeing with the decisions that I needed to make. So I constantly was like, I want, I want somebody else to agree and get on board with the changes that I believe that we need to make. And I thought the only way it would ever work is if they were on board at the exact same time that I was. I don't know if you guys can relate with this, right? Is that you feel like if they don't get on board at the exact same time that you're on board with wanting to make those changes, right? You're kind of feeling like, well, it's not going to work if they're not on board right now. I don't know how many of you guys can relate to this, right? You're in this position of kind of thinking like it's dead until they're in the position where they're ready. Rebecca says, yes, I've been there. Jonathan says, yes, that's me. That's exactly where I'm at. If you guys can relate, right? Type me in the comments. I would love to hear from you guys as well. My TikTok fans out there that you guys that are joining us. And if you just could type in there, right, what are you going through? Right? Are you in a situation where you're feeling like you can't change the dynamic or the relationship won't change if the other person isn't willing? Right? Some of us believe this. And we've been indoctrinated with this belief that if they're unwilling to change, then we can't change. Then this is not ever going to change because it takes two to make this change happen. So we think this, and this is again, this is again very normal to think, and we can get very caught up in this right now. How do we get in the process of waiting for them to change, and how does that affect us? Well, Really, because we're in this position of not really realizing a lot of times that you want to change, but you've lost hope. And because you've lost hope, because you want them to change so bad and it's not happening, you start to unintentionally give less in the relationship too, right? So you're starting to give less, right? When I was in my dynamic, in my relationships, right? Years ago before I did this work, right? And I would, I would literally be in a dynamic where I'm, I'm putting my happiness and putting the change in somebody else's hands. And it's like, I need them, I need them, I need them, I need, I need it to work out. I, I need them to change. I need them to fix it. I need them to do the work that they're not doing. But what was I not looking at? Well, I wasn't looking at myself. Because the more we hyperfocus on somebody else, the less we have to look at ourselves. And this could be a very uncomfortable place, like, hey, why am I still here? Why am I still in this relationship? Because with any dysfunctional behavior, I'm always seeking a positive result. Let me say that again. With any dysfunctional behavior, I'm always seeking a positive result, right? I'm getting something out of it, right? So Jonathan says Doug Maddenley says, I've been the one that's unwilling to change. Time to turn that around. Right on, Doug. Love and respect, brother. I'm glad you joined us, man. Enjoyed our call last week as well. Jonathan says, what if she randomly tells me, I love you, tells me, love you, bye, when she goes to work? Can you elaborate on that, Jonathan? I'd love to know a little bit more about that. So she randomly tells you, love you, bye, when she goes to work. Tell me a little bit more about that, right? Anthony says, I wish I— okay, that's, that's Anthony's comments from a little while ago. So you guys, there's a lot of great comments here. So that's my challenge, right? In Search of the Truth says, that's my challenge. I'm working on that now. Thank you, sir. My honor and privilege. Thank you for your comment. Thank you guys all. For all your love and support for everything that we're doing here at Beyond Driven. So, great question. Can a narcissist change? Now, I wanna say this. A lot of people have narcissistic behaviors, but not everybody has the diagnosis. Not everybody fits into the cluster of behaviors that's from the Diagnostic Statistics Manual, right? The DSM-5. They have to fit into that cluster. So, a lot of people with narcissistic tendencies, absolutely, they can change. So, what if she randomly tells me love? Jonathan, give me a little more context in that. So let's talk here more, guys, about the situation that you might be in. So here it is, right? And I don't know, have you ever been in this situation? Because I know I was there, right? You ready for it? Here it comes. Okay. You ready for it? You wanted to change and save your marriage so badly, but you lost all hope. Because your spouse was not on board. And you're thinking that without them being on board, there is no changing. I never like to say blanket statements. Like I've said, a lot of people like to label people and they say these people can never change. I've worked with thousands of people. I have over 25,000 hours of clinical practice. And I can tell you right now, I've seen some of the worst of the worst people in the entire world, and I've helped them facilitate change in their life. So it's never too far for somebody. They're never unchangeable. Let me tell you right now, you're looking at a guy that went through a lot of shit in his life that a lot of people pointed at and said he couldn't change. So let me tell you right now, people can change. And to put a blanket statement on somebody and basically believe that they can't change is putting that person in a box that they don't deserve to be in. And that goes for whoever's in that box. You have to have the right people working in your life. You have to have the right tools, right? With the right people and the right tools and somebody having the willingness to do that, they can change. So let's talk a little bit about, right, what we were never taught, right? What we were taught was that if they weren't willing to change, then it's never gonna work. Then it's never gonna work, right? If they're not on board, then it's never gonna work. If they're not on board right now when you wanna change right now, that that decision has to be made collectively. But here's the thing. Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe they don't want to invest in the idea that it can change because they don't want to get let down and get hurt again? Have you ever thought about that? Doug Madden Lee probably agrees with this, right? Doug, let me hear from you, brother. So Casey says, they have to want it though, and it's hard to get them to that point. So yeah, we're going to talk about exactly how to do that. So a lot of people say they have to want it though, but they don't know what makes somebody desire to change, right? I want you to think about yourself as we go into this. What are some things that made you desire to change? And let's type that in the comments, right? What are some things that you guys thought about that inspired you to change? How about times in your life where you felt stuck and you didn't think you could change? What inspired you to change, right? What inspired you to change? What inspired you to make that change? I want you to think about that. So we're in this position, right, a lot of times in these relationships. And what we haven't been taught is that we each have massive influence on the people around us. Look at how the relationship got to the point that it's at right now. That didn't happen overnight. That relationship got to the point that it's at right now because of the influence that you both had on one another. We can bring out the best in each other and we can bring out the worst in each other. And if you can relate to this, right, type me in the comments. You guys can relate to this, type me in the comments, right? You can bring out the best in each other and you can bring out the worst in each other too, right? Fizzy says, Tim, my problem is I can't find my purpose. I don't know what I want in life. Absolutely. I've been there. And how can that affect your relationships, right? That can affect your relationships in terrible ways. Right? In horrible ways it can affect our relationships. And that's why, guys, if you haven't checked out my free guides and the free trainings that are available, please go check them out. Those free resources are for you guys. Please take advantage of those. So you can find the link in my bio if you'd like to check those out. All— take advantage of those free resources, guys. So, right, you can have influence on people around you. Look at the last couple years. Look at what's going on right now in America. Think about the influence that you can have on the people around you, whether that be positive or negative. Because guys, we are social creatures. We can't underestimate the power that social influence has on us, yet alone, right, dynamics. And we don't realize something called mirror neurons. A lot of times when you yawn and somebody else yawns, You don't understand sometimes the impact, right? Peer pressure. We don't understand the influence that we have on the people around us. Again, look at how the relationship got to the point it's at right now. That didn't happen overnight. That happened by two people influencing each other. Now, when you're waiting for the other person to change Don't tell me that that's not influencing you in terms of you giving up on the relationship and you not living at your fullest potential and staying in an unhealthy dynamic, which is a form of self-betrayal. Or if you're the one basically who's negatively influencing the dynamic expecting your spouse to change or be on board with that change. Maybe they don't want to get hurt. Maybe they don't want to invest in the idea that you can change because they've tried— you've tried all these quick fixes, you've tried all these immediate solutions, but you haven't truly tried investing in yourself. You've tried this quick stuff, right? You tried smoking weed to take the edge off. You tried some marriage counseling, right? You tried some individual therapy, but it just turned into a talking session or just turned into a situation where you're just escaping. You weren't really investing. If this is you, you can type me in the comments. And I can tell you right now that there's thousands of people that I've worked with over the last 10 years plus that have gone through this. You're not alone. Your situation is not unique. Your story is, but the situation that you're in isn't. So what I want to tell you guys right now is that your lack of investment in yourself is causing others to treat you how you treat yourself. See, when you start to expect more from yourself than the world expects of you, when you start to give yourself your absolute best, When people like what they see, they're more likely to listen to what you say. One more time for everybody in the back. When people like what they see, they're more likely to listen to what you say. When you're not passive-aggressive, when you don't need to talk shit from behind a phone, when you can communicate like a gentleman, when you can admit that you're wrong, that you're not perfect, that you're fallible, Jonathan Court says, that's me. And I know that that was me too before, right? With a lot of behaviors that were really guards, there were defense mechanisms, right? Misconstrued masculinity, confused about the— what the idea about what being a multi-dimensional man is. Why? Because I've been there, and so have thousands of men that have come before you that have joined my program, my private program. That, that's the work that we do. Right? Is to help people be the best version of themselves. So why? They can be the best version of themselves around you, right? For those around you. Sean joined. He said— Sean says, I finally found my purpose when I knew I was losing my true love, finally fixing myself. Way to go, Sean. Love that, brother. Right? Sometimes we don't realize that going to the pit of suffering will truly reveal the areas of our life that we need to change. And really, sometimes we feel like that void of not being with that person is our problem, when in reality, right, what's the real problem? It's not the void of not being with them. Thank you for the hat and mustache, I appreciate that. It's not the void, right? It looks pretty good with that mustache, I like that one. Toss that on there again, right? It's not the, it's not the void of not being with them, it's the void that always existed that you use them to fill. It's dependency. You're still looking to the external to change. Chase joined us. Chase Nichols, my man. Chase is in the Total Breakthrough Academy with all the other clients. Chase said, I'm in the program now. It's badass. Working all day, every day. That's right, Chase. Love and respect, brother. So proud of you, man. That's why I love working with guys like Chase, because they got the mindset, they got the willingness to want to change. They have the idea and the belief that their influence and their leadership can have the power to change. Chris Erb says, hoping to join the Academy tomorrow. Let's go, Chris. Can't wait to connect with you, brother. Super excited to connect with you tomorrow. Chris, tell me a little bit more about your situation, man. I want to hear about it. If you want to share a little bit on here, I would love to give you guys a little feedback. Share a little bit with me about where you're at, waiting for your spouse to change, Right? Why? You're still waiting for— you're waiting for something outside yourself to initiate the change within you. That's called dependency. That's like, that's like leaning on alcohol. It's like leaning on weed. That's like leaning on these vices. Why? You should be able to cultivate that from within. It doesn't matter whether or not they change. That's going to stop me from living at my best? You have massive influence. Everyone around you is influenced by you, whether positive or negative. The work you do on yourself is the work you do on your marriage. The work you do on your marriage is reciprocal. It is the work you do on yourself. Managing your emotions is for you, but it's for your marriage. Improving your habits is for you, but it's for your marriage. Dropping your vices is for you, but it's for your marriage. Being honest and a better communicator, it's for you, but it's for your marriage. Opening up about your pain with somebody else is for you, but it's for your marriage. Working on your anger is for you, but it's for your marriage. The anger that you have towards somebody from your past, your lack of forgiveness, your stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, guard— working on all that stuff, guys. It is working on your marriage. Because don't you see, if you continue to put that in somebody else's hands and wait for them to change before you decide to change, you're underestimating the influence that God gave you. God gave you the authority to break down strongholds. God gave you the authority to make a difference. To not sit back and cower and believe that you can't change or have influence. I didn't say you could control people, but I said never underestimate the power of positive influence. Never underestimate the power of powerful leadership. Never underestimate the power of somebody who's in alignment with the will of God, living at their best potential, and having everybody around them go, damn. Because some people don't need you to preach a sermon, they need to see you live one. Cuz some people don't need you to preach a sermon, they need to see you live one. And when you live that life, when you're living that out every single day, they're like, damn, I'm inspired by that, you inspire me. Inspiration. What does inspiration do? It sparks motivation. And people are like, now I'm motivated to change. Why? Because your character is flawless. Your habits are on point. You don't have vices or self-destructive behavior. You treat other people how you want to be treated. You manage your emotions. You come in the door and you're just a positive energy. You walk in the house and people are like, yes, he's here. Yes, my dad's home. Yes, my husband's home. Your energy should be infectious like that. And a bunch of people are sitting back going, no, that's not fair. And they want to point the finger and blame to make an excuse about why they shouldn't make the changes they need to make today and why they want to kick that can and push that off for tomorrow. And I've been there. And if you've been there, you can type me in the comments. Chase says, hell no, live for yourself, be a better version of you. My man, let's go, Chase. Let's go, brother. Chase is growing on massive levels. Just joined the Academy. Chase, how long you been with us? A week? Guys are getting breakthroughs left and right here. Breakthroughs left and right. And again, guys, please take advantage of my free resources. You can check them out inside my bio. Please take advantage of them. Chase says, that's me. And I could relate, brother. Sean Dove says, me. Sean Dove says, also hoping to join the Academy tomorrow. Finally opening up and being vulnerable is liberating. That's right, brother. Changing every aspect of my life. I love this. This, you guys, you're, you're, you guys continue to inspire me with the changes that you guys want to make. And again, guys, these changes are so— they're so real, and, and there's— they make such a difference. Your self-investment is going to pay dividends into every area of your life. Why? You're going to get a better version of you. Your spouse is going to get a better version of you. Your kids are going to get a better version of you. Your co-workers, your employees are going to get a better version of you. Strangers on the street are going to get a better version of you. You're holding the door for other people just because the energy— your cup is flowing, your cup is overfilling because you're giving yourself your best. Why am I waiting for somebody else to change first before I make that decision? And if I'm thinking it can't change, if they choose not to change when I choose to change, then it's like, okay, what's the difference? Wait till they're ready to change and change then. Or make the change now in hopes that my change will create positive influence. It's like when somebody goes on a weight loss journey and then somebody else like, man, show me what you did. Check it out. When people experience the new you, it will change how they view you. When people experience the new you, It's going to change how they view you. They're going to look at you differently when you become the new you. The new you, right, is going to change how they view you. Never confuse sounding angry with passion, brother. Betty Hernandez says, wow, you sound mad. No, that's passion, Betty. What you see there is called passion. That comes up from the deepest well of my existence because I've been at the bottom of the bottom, broken, hopeless, desperate, powerless, looking for a change. And only the people that have truly been there would know what I'm talking about. And that's why this message is for the people that want to find that passion, who want to find that greatness. Because it's not a matter of whether or not you got greatness in you— greatness made you. The real question is, why don't you have a relationship with that greatness? Why aren't you tapped into that greatness? Why aren't you giving yourself 100%? That's the real question. That's the real question, right? Dangerous Days says volume or intensity doesn't equate to anger. That's my boy right there, because he understands that's passion. It's true passion. You can't fake that. So how's this look? Well, I can tell you right now that the struggles of my yesterday were the strength of my today. The struggles of your today can be the strength of your tomorrow. Let me tell you right now, if you're not dead, God's not done. You have a redemption story. Imagine this, paint the vision. Imagine this, you walk in on Christmas Hands are full of gifts. You walk in, your energy lifts up everybody in the room. They're excited to see you. You thank God you stuck to your process. The pride you feel is priceless. You become healthy and you know who you are. Your energy alone lifts your family up. They feel inspired just by seeing you walk through the door. You didn't even need to say anything. They love you and they admire you. Let's paint the vision of scenario 2. You give into your weak self-talk. You don't make the changes. You're disappointed because you continue to waste time. You ask yourself, why? Why can't I go back in time and change? Why can't I just make that decision? I should have done it then. Your family sees you as the same person. They love you, but they don't admire you. They're not inspired by you. Somebody asked me the other day, they slid me a DM, they said, hey, 'How do I gain back respect?' I said, 'Well, do you respect you?' He said, 'What do you mean?' I said, 'Do you respect you? Do you respect you?' I want to tell you guys right now, if you've lost hope, feeling like it's never going to work because my spouse is unwilling to change, I want to tell you right now, that's not true. Right. Rebecca says, have you ever helped someone that's hit a woman? I've helped people worse than that. Don Eric can vouch for that. Don Eric says, my past is my greatest asset. I love that, brother. Love you, Don. Thank you, Chase. I appreciate you, man. All you guys live in my heart, man. I want this for you guys. Call me crazy, I like to see people succeed, right? So guys, if you're interested in learning more about the Total Breakthrough Academy, send me a message, click the link in my bio, book a call with me, check out the free guides, the free information. Keep tuning into these lives that I do every Wednesday at 5:30 PM PST. I want to help you guys continue to bring out the best in you. Why? So other people can experience that best version of you. Why? And when other people experience the best version of you, you feel fulfillment because your relationships are rich. They're fulfilling. There's fruit, there's connection, there's intimacy on a level that you've never experienced. Why? Because you're bringing out the best. In the people around you. For a lot of years, I brought out the worst in people around me. I'm not proud of that. But I want to tell you right now that you can bring out the best in people around you. You can inspire them. Some people don't need you to preach a sermon, they need to see you live one. Well, all right guys, again, if you're interested in learning more about the program, You can type info in the comments. Somebody from our team will reach out to you, or you can click the link in the bio. Please check it out. Thank you guys so much for all the love and support. I believe in you guys. I know what you guys are capable of. I know what you're capable of. You're capable of amazing things. You're capable of greatness. You're capable of making the changes. Don't give up on this. Don't give up on yourself. You haven't had your best day yet. You haven't had your greatest moment yet. You haven't had that moment of connection yet. Trust me, it's coming, but you got to believe in that. Some people, they got to see things to believe them, but then there's other people, they believe— they believe them to see them. And you got to be that person. You got to believe it to see it. You got to visualize that. Envision a better day. Are you in alignment with the person that you want to be? Thank you, my brother. Like always, love you, Don. You're the best. Doug Madden, Lee, thank you. And again, guys, I'm always here for you guys. If I can answer any questions, please type them in the comments, send me a message. I want to connect with you guys. I want to hear your story, see how we could potentially offer you some value in the situation you're in. Trust me, it's not too late, guys. When people experience the new you, it's going to change how they view you. Trust me, when people like what they see, they're more likely to listen to what you say. All right, guys, love and respect. I'll see you guys next week for another live. I'd love doing this with you guys. I love all the comments and all the support. And again, please take advantage of my free resources. All right guys, love and respect. See you guys next week. All the best.