HOW TO WIN 'EVERY ARGUMENT' WITH YOUR SPOUSE

What's going on guys? Welcome to our Facebook Live. Every Wednesday we do these Facebook Lives just to bring value to you guys and just to help you guys out in the situation that you're in, right? And to help you learn and grow. Inevitably step away from these live Facebook videos with more insight, more tools, and more solutions in dealing with the problem that you're facing. So, what I want to talk tonight about is how to win every argument with your spouse. And I know some of you guys are thinking, right? How am I going to win every argument with my spouse? Right? So if you're interested in this topic and you're interested in learning more about this topic, right, you can type me in the comments. And if you're just joining us, please write where you're coming from. I'd love to see where you guys are joining us from, uh, whether it's, um, you're joining us from California or you're joining us from a different state. Um, I'd love to see where you guys are joining from. Um, so I am going to get this live video going here on my phone as well. But again, I want to ask you guys, you know, what do you guys think in terms of how to win every argument with your spouse? When you guys talk about, when you think about how to win every argument with your spouse, right? What are some of the thoughts that come up initially for you guys? Right? When we talk about how to win every argument. Now, winning every argument, what does winning every argument look like? Well, winning every argument can look very different for a lot of different people. And oftentimes we don't really think about what winning an argument is. So when we talk about this, I want you to first think about most of the time, Why people argue is because they want to be right, right? They want to be right. They want to be the person who is right. They want to prove their point. They want to be right. And again, that's a byproduct of ego, right? Needing to prove my point, overcompensating, proving that I'm right. And if you want to be right, in every single argument that you get in with your spouse, I'm going to tell you right now, you're probably headed for a divorce. Because nobody wants to be in a position in a relationship where they're made to feel superior, or where the other person is exalting themselves over somebody else. Thanks for joining us, guys. Welcome. Um, nobody ever wants to be in that position. Okay, so what I see a lot with the over 2,000 men that I've worked with and women as well, is what I've seen is that when the argument initially takes place, the other person's emotions make that person uncomfortable. And if you guys can relate to this, right, type me in the comments. How many times have you been in a situation, right, where your spouse's emotions, they start to get really emotional and it makes you emotional, it makes you maybe a little anxious, it kind of puts you on edge because you kind of almost feel like there's going to be some type of hostility, right? Meaning you're not comfortable in the conflict, right? And a lot of us, there's, there's a lot of different types of conflict resolution. Maybe you're the volatile couple, right? And there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the volatility, sometimes we can, as, as a couple, we can throw in a little sarcasm and a little humor in there, right? Which can be healthy in terms of solving the the conflict, working through it, right? If you're the conflict avoidant type, maybe you guys sweep stuff under the rug, right? If this is you, you can type me in the comments. We sweep stuff under the rug. We don't like to talk about stuff. And usually, you know, if we do have a problem, I have a tendency to maybe avoid it, or we have a tendency to avoid it. We don't get to the root issue. Or how about if you guys are, the type that's more hostile, right? That you're— there's hostility, there's put-downs, there's criticism, there's name-calling, there's belittling, there's angry outbursts, there's stonewalling, defensiveness. Okay, all these things can happen, and these are all parts of conflict resolution. But what we're looking for is we're really looking to lean more towards the validating style. Now, how does this feel when you're in this situation where you're in being invalidated? But before we get into really the invalidation or validation, I want to know from you guys, right? What do you think is one of the leading causes of, of divorce? So for you guys, type in the comments, what do you think is one of the leading causes of divorce? What do you think? A lot of times causes divorce or leads to divorce, right? So a lot, a lot of people are saying us, they're saying me, right? How about you guys? What do you think? What do you guys think are the number one, like, main causes of divorce? Okay, so a couple people chiming in here. Okay, people saying lack of love, right? Cheating, lack of communication. Taking away the female's, uh, independence. Okay. Lack of communication, temptation, alcohol, money, adultery. These are great guys. Cheating, money, money. A lot of people say money. Okay. Lack of communication. Definitely. And I would say all that's right, guys. And I appreciate you guys chiming in there because it's really helpful. I think for a lot of people to feel number one, like they're not alone because you know, sometimes we think we're going through these marital issues. It can be really embarrassing to have to open up sometimes. But we have to realize that this is— we should never take a shame-based approach. Just because I haven't learned how to work through these issues in my relationship, and maybe not having God, right? I love that. I love that, that answer there. Sometimes just because we haven't learned how to do relationships doesn't mean that we're fundamentally incapable. And so that's why it's important to talk through these things. And I'm going to tell you the real reason right now. One of the main reasons that divorce happens is because there's not a healthy 5-to-1 ratio. What I mean a 5-to-1 ratio, I'm talking about for couples that have lasting marriages, okay? And I know that for me in my first marriage and why it failed, okay, was because we didn't have a 5-to-1 ratio. You have to have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. And a lot of people think that, you know, I need to eliminate the negative interactions in my marriage. A lot of times you don't need to eliminate the negative interactions, you need to increase the positive ones, right? So if you guys feel like you can relate to this, right? If you feel like you need to increase— law of diminishing returns, very good. So if I want to talk about— let's talk about increasing the positive interactions in the marriage, right? Learning how to work towards increasing those positive interactions. Now, what does that look like? Well, you got to know your couple's— you got to know your spouse's love language. You got to know how they experience love. right? Is it through a text message? Is it through appreciation? Is it through validation? Is it through active listening? Is it through giving gifts? Is it through physical touch? Is it through a note that you leave them? Is it a text message you send them at work, right? Is it doing something nice for them when you're, um, on your way home, right? What are the things that make your spouse feel most loved? Now, that's your responsibility to know that, just like knowing your spouse's past and their trauma and what they've been through is also a love language. Understanding why your behavior triggers them is also a love language, right? All this is understanding your spouse, getting to know them better so they feel safe and they feel comfortable around you. And most importantly, trust is built. Because when we don't have trust in a relationship, we don't have a healthy relationship. Because all healthy relationships are built on trust, right? I love that you guys are here chiming in the comments, right? I see you guys as well. Um, Many— how significant other than narcissistic personality disorder when I have complex PTSD? We'll get to some of that stuff. I don't like to get too caught up on labels. Um, yeah, the free resources in my bio. Yeah, we have, we have a downshift, uh, technique in our, in the bio, in the link in my bio if you guys want to check that out. Um, we also have the Unbreakable Mind Manifesto if you guys haven't checked that out as well. Um, but all these resources again are for you guys to offer you guys value and to help you guys out in the situation that you're in. Now, I want to get down to it here. So we're talking about invalidation. Now, what is invalidation? So this is the process of denying or rejecting or dismissing someone's feelings. Invalidation sends a message to a person that basically that their subjective or personal emotional experience is either inaccurate, insignificant, doesn't matter, or it's unacceptable. Now I want to say this: I used to be that guy. I used to be the invalidating man in the dynamic. I was an invalidator. I was a person that could not accept that somebody else would think and feel a certain way about what I did because I thought that I didn't have the ability to introspect. I didn't have the ability to look within, right? And I know a lot of you guys can relate to this. I didn't have the ability to look within myself because I really never learned, right? And, and I really felt that showing any emotion was a sign of weakness and that proving my point, standing my ground was what was important, really. And was all about ego and it was all about pride, unhealthy pride, toxic pride. Right. And my first marriage, right, my first marriage obviously ended in divorce because it was unhealthy. It was an unhealthy dynamic on both parts. And a lot of it, I was literally reliving my past in that relationship. And here's what I want to say. A lot of times you guys don't realize, right? So you're a narcissist. No, I'm not. I am not a narcissist. Um, 9 times out of 10, somebody who's narcissistic is not ever going to get treatment. So a lot of people have narcissistic tendencies, but that doesn't mean that they fit in the DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. So narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder that has to be given a diagnosis. Now, I want to say this: a lot of people have narcissistic tendencies, but that doesn't automatically mean that they have narcissistic personality disorder. A personality disordered individual with narcissistic personality disorder is never going to admit that they have it, first of all. Um, second of all, the treatment is— there really isn't that. There, there is a lot of treatment out there, but the treatment— the person has to be malleable. They have to be receptive to that, right? If you guys can relate to this. Now, I myself have been in relationships with of, uh, people who had narcissistic personality disorder. I grew up with somebody like that in my life. So growing up with somebody like that in my life was very, very hard because you— the process of invalidation. Now, what is invalidation? Again, it's basically telling somebody that what they're thinking and feeling isn't right, it isn't accurate, they shouldn't feel that way. Okay, now it's belittling people, exalting yourself over them. Okay, now I want to ask you guys, have you ever, have you ever wanted to solve a problem with your spouse so bad and wanted to have them see your side so badly that you became enraged when they didn't? Have you ever? And this goes for both sides, right? right? So here's the thing. Have you ever, right? Have you ever— and I want to say this, a lot of people comment about narcissism in here. This is like a big buzzword. People are just realizing what it is. And I've been studying this stuff for over 10 years in the clinical setting. So a lot of people will self-diagnose people with narcissism when in actuality they're just traumatized. They just have unresolved trauma. So, I want to say that. And a lot of times they have dysfunctional coping behaviors and unhealthy communication styles. And they're guarded and they're wounded, right? So, just because somebody has narcissistic tendencies doesn't automatically mean that they have NPD. And I think it's like, kind of like when people go on WebMD. And, uh, and they start self-diagnosing with all the stuff that they're— I think I have cancer, right? I look at it kind of the same way, right? Everybody says everyone is a narcissist. Travis says to some degree, yeah, everybody has narcissistic tendencies. Um, I worked in and outside the clinical setting for over 10 years, um, as a licensed clinician. So what, what I want to talk about is You know, a lot of times you want to be right so badly, and you're having your spouse— you want your spouse to see your side of the problem, that you become enraged when you don't. Because why? What does— what does this require? Requires empathy from you. And I know earlier on in my life, years ago, right, 15 years ago, in my first marriage, you know, I want to say that I didn't have a lot of empathy for myself. I didn't have a lot of— I wasn't really in a good position with myself. And so a lot of times when you're not in a healthy place, right, with yourself, which I've been there, right, through my own personal struggles in my life, right? And that's what inspired me to go and work in the field. So when you're going through these experiences and you're not being 100% there for yourself, when you're not at your full potential, when you're not truly you don't have self-love, you don't have a healthy relationship with you. Okay? What's going to happen a lot of times, guys, is you're not going to have empathy for other people because attuning, interpersonal attunement, which is your ability to understand how other people feel, right, is a crucial element of that, is first understanding yourself. So you have to have some degree of emotional intelligence. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling the way I am? And what do I do with these feelings? And that's why a lot of times the people that get injured the worst in the relationships are the children that have to watch it and be subjected to that. So, you know, I've gone through that in my life. And if you guys can relate to this, right, if you guys can relate to, you know, maybe struggling with having a healthy relationship with yourself, right, you can type me in the comments, right? If this has been you, if you, if you've experienced stuff in your life where you've had struggles having a healthy amount of self-love for yourself, right? And a healthy relationship with yourself. And therefore, it's hard for you to have healthy relationships with others. You know, a lot of times we don't realize that we don't attract what we want, we attract who we are. And we attract, right? It's not attraction, it's recognition. Your brain is a survival organ. Okay? So your brain seeks to recreate the same dynamics you've already survived. So oftentimes, recognition of what is familiar for you, okay, recognition of what is familiar for you, what you've already experienced in your life, what you've already survived, right, is what you appear to be attracted to, okay? And you feel like you're attracted to this dynamic only because it mirrors and mimics a dynamic that you've already survived, right? I'm actually, uh, I'm right here on the Facebook Live. The free group to our Facebook is, uh, in the link in my bio. Um, so what I'm saying here, guys, is that you're not attracted to somebody. It's recognition. A lot of times your brain is recognizing them and their behavior as familiar, as something you've already survived. So it's giving you the green light to enter the dynamic, okay? And that's why you end up in the dynamic with the same feelings that keep surfacing in the dynamic and it's almost like you're reliving a past experience from earlier times in your life, okay? May have been in a relationship in your adult life, may have been something from your adolescent years, okay? It just depends. So, a lot of times people are like, "Well, I don't have the spark. I don't feel the spark in the relationship." Right, the spark is the absence of the cortisol and the adrenaline that you feel. Basically, you're not having these emotional ups and downs, highs and lows, Okay, so you're not having this, you're not having the ups and downs, and so you're not feeling the spark. The spark's not there, right? If you can relate to this, right, you can comment me in the comments, right? I'd love to hear from you guys and what you guys think. Now again, the people think it's like, I keep attracting these people into my life. Well, a lot of times because you're, you're operating from a place where you don't believe that you deserve better than that. And so you're naturally attracting people like this. Now, if you're this person that's perpetrating these things, obviously, right, this is the work that needs to happen. Now, I want to talk about this process to help. Okay, now, the system— what the system never really showed you or taught you is that they tell you to just throw the relationship away, to just leave the person, throw it away. You can't fix it. Now, obviously, this is true if the person's unwilling to change, okay? But what, what they really don't want you to know is that your communication skills are not up to par. I'm talking about the person who's perpetrating this, this invalidation, okay? So I want to teach you guys the style of communication, because it's a style of communicating that's the problem, not the argument. Okay, now what I want to say here is validation initiates empathy, and empathy is the bridge to intimacy. Okay, empathy is the bridge to intimacy. You're not going to have like a passionate love affair with your spouse without there being empathy in the dynamic. Okay, and that's why a lot of times, right, sex can become this thing of just— it's like it's transactional. And I tell people all the time, your business might be transactional, but your marriage isn't. So that requires you to exhibit some degree of empathy now. Okay. So now what happens a lot of times is we don't really realize that there's steps to this. And again, what I'm going to share with you now is available to you also in the link in my bio. Okay. And it's called the Downshift. So I want to share with you guys this Downshift. So it's a simple yet effective exercise to help. That's really just that, that I designed to really help you guys slow down and control yourself. Okay, and this is when something happens between you and your wife that triggers you. Okay, she says something or is clearly upset with you, and obviously I know you guys say, well, the opposite. Yeah, vice versa. Okay, but we're going to use the husband-wife scenario here. Vice versa, the same applies, wife-husband. Okay, you can invert it if you'd like. Okay, the important thing here is to first understand, um, what the first step is. So the first step is activating a vent. Okay, so you have an activating event. Okay, what is an activating event? Okay, this is when something happens between you and your spouse that triggers you. For example, she says something or is clearly upset with you. So I'm going to give an example here. So let's say you walk inside, um, you see your wife in the kitchen and she's prepping dinner. Okay, and as she's prepping dinner, you walk in, you say, "Hey," as you walk over to her. Okay. And if you guys can relate to this, you can type me in the comments, but you walk over there, you say, hey, you know, as she's prepping dinner and you got flowers in your hand, let's say, and you got your bags in the other, right? And she says, why are you late? With a tone of voice that immediately triggers you. A lot of times we don't realize that this tone of voice that we have, even the look on our face. And I know A lot of wives don't want to hear this, but a lot of times your body language is already putting off that energy. And men as well, your body language is already putting off that energy, right? You're already rolling your eyes, you already have a flat affect, you already have that blunted look on your face, right? And you're already in that position of putting off that energy. So she says, "Why are you late?" with a tone of voice that immediately triggers me. I already told you I can't be home at the same time every night. I snap back. Well, I thought we had a conversation about being home. This is going to happen. I'm just not going to make dinner for us. You don't even care. Okay, so she says with stern annoyance, fuck it then. I guess I can't do anything right, can I? And I throw my bags and flowers down and storm out of the room. By this point, it's already too late. It's already too late by this point. And if you guys have been through this experience, right? A gentleman here says, um, I'm always late. Julian, I love that you love the free resources. That's great, man. Yeah, you guys, if you haven't checked out the free resources in my bio, please, um, please take advantage of them. So you say something that you end up regretting immediately, right? And what, that what ends up happening is you have to apologize, and that apology doesn't hold a lot of weight anymore because of how many times this scenario has happened. Now, the first step in avoiding this in the future is to become aware, okay, of what these activating events are that make you angry or trigger you in some way. And that's the first step. Right. So the first step, guys, in this 5-step process, okay, is you got to know your triggers. You got to know what are the activating events. Okay, activating events are any experience, okay, that triggers you. Okay, could be anything. And here's the thing we don't realize, a lot of times we walk over the threshold of our door, carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. And we're carrying our stressful day with us, right? I look forward to connecting with you, Julian, right? We, we, we carry the weight of the world with us across the threshold of our door, right? Let me ask you guys this, and I've asked many people this: would you take the trash cans from outside and would you bring them inside your house and would you dump them into your living room? Obviously you wouldn't, right? So why would I come home from work And why would I dump all my shit, all my emotion, all my anger, all my problems, right? Right on onto my living room. Why would I do that? Right. Uh, Travis says, I know how to be a good man. Where's the women values? The same thing applies, brother, but I speak directly to men. Uh, I don't, I don't have a tendency to call women out in my videos. I like to speak directly to men about these issues. Um, so you wouldn't do that, right? You wouldn't, you wouldn't just dump, right, the issues right into the, into your, into your living room, right? So, and, and, and Anthony says, why when you're doing the best you can and going above and beyond, is it still an argument? Honestly, brother, that's a great question. I'm glad you answered, you asked it, right? That is because sometimes, bro, they get so— people in relationships, this goes both ways. Again, guys, I always want to say this, is that some people, they don't know how to do the relationship when you are being better. And I'm gonna say this, sometimes their insecurities, their feelings of inferiority, when you start to change, it makes them very uncomfortable. And I've experienced this with many, many people I've worked with. They start to do better, right? They start to improve. And honestly, the other person doesn't know how to do the relationship. That other person actually prefers them broken. They prefer them broken so they can make them the scapegoat. They want to make that person the scapegoat in their relationship. It's like, this person is the reason why I'm miserable. They're the reason why I'm unhappy. Now, by this point, again, it's already too late. Right, when you've already exploded and you've said something that you regret because you end up breaking character and you end up doing something that basically goes against how you want to view yourself, right? And as I said to you guys earlier, right, that, that intimacy, right, requires empathy, right? So empathy and intimacy go hand in hand. They're required, right? They have to be happening at the same time, right? Empathy is the bridge to intimacy. So for the second step here, guys, is the pause. Okay? You gotta pause, right? This is when you realize that you're triggered, okay? And you take control of the urge to react. Okay? This is the part that takes some practice. Okay? You gotta practice. You gotta pause. Okay? And again, this is kind of like— gentlemen, you guys are funny that you guys throw some comedy in the comments. I love it. So this part definitely going to take you some time. Okay. It's kind of like stubbing your toe on the edge of the, edge of the couch, but controlling the profanity you want to shout, right? You want to shout profanity because you're triggered by this activating event, but you hold it in. I'm not saying suppress it. I didn't say deny it. I didn't say bury it. I said control it, right? You control it. Now, now, when we control these reactions, this is very different for us. It just depends on the situation. right? What does controlling the reaction look like? Well, it doesn't always look the same, right? It doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it looks like I take a deep breath. Sometimes it looks like I close my eyes and go for a walk for a minute, right? Sometimes it means that I walk outside. Sometimes it means that I have to go in the bathroom and splash some water in my face, but I always want to engage in the pause. I never want to overreact to the situation or allow the situation to cause me to break character. I never want to do that. I never want to allow the situation to cause me to break character, right? That's not the goal. The goal, right, is to not break character, right? I'm again not wanting to break character. So instead of reacting or already formulating a response, or what I'm going to say when she talks, I pause first. And again, this is an opportunity to practice, uh, Tip. So you can walk inside the bathroom, splash some water in your face. You can take a deep breath. You can— right, it's, it's about the pause. It's, it's about not letting your limbic system, your emotional brain, override your prefrontal cortex, which is your logical brain. It's about being stoic in your approach to the conflict. Okay? So you give your full attention, you pause and you listen and you move to step 3. Now, what is step 3? And if you guys can relate to this, right? Um, you can put me in the comments. Now, the third step is really important. Okay? This is digest and reflect. Okay? This is where I understand within myself why I'm triggered. You make sure that the understanding is about you and not her. Okay, so ask yourself, what is it? Well, I feel unappreciated. Maybe, right, I walked in the house, I had my bags, I had flowers, and then she yells at me for being late for dinner. And why am I triggered? I'm not triggered because she's questioning me about being late. I'm triggered because I feel unappreciated, because I feel disrespected, because I feel unloved. These are the real reasons why I'm triggered. So don't forget to take into consideration everything that's happened in your busy day prior to walking in the room. Okay, now here's the kicker. If you felt unappreciated, disrespected, and unloved by her comment about you being late for dinner, then let me ask you this: how do you think she felt because you were late? How do you think she felt because you were late? That's again, the empathy requires me to see something from another person's point of view. Okay, this is incredibly important. Now, again, in my 10 years in the field, over 10 years in the field, I have seen this problem so many times. It's that people invalidate each other. Rick said, great question, right? So you first, right, need to recognize what external factors could be fueling the conflict on either side. You really have to take it and see it from somebody else's perspective. And this is really powerful when you can do this, when you could see something from another person's perspective, because what it does is it offers you a mirror image or an alternative to what you're currently seeing, which potentially opens up the door for a solution, right? And if you're feeling invalidated in your relationship, you can type me. And again, if you're the invalidator, well, this is, you know, an opportunity. Or if it's both of you guys, then here's obviously this, this 5-part process. And again, if you're just coming in late and you want to learn more about this 5-part process, you can go, the link is in my bio. You're more than welcome to download it. Again, all these free resources I have, please take advantage of them. So with time, this happens instantly, okay? And as you first begin to control your reactions, a lot of this work in the first 3 steps may even take place in your own self-reflection time. Again, key here is to work up to being able to become the observer of your emotions and take a more controlled approach in your response, which leads to step 4. So step 1 was activating event, right? The trigger. Step 2 is pause. Step 2 is digest and reflect, right? Why am I triggered? Don't make it about you. Don't make it about them. Make it about you, right? Remember, someone else's behavior doesn't say anything about you. Okay, when you walked in the door, her getting upset that you were late doesn't say anything about you. It says everything about her. But why you're triggered says everything about you and nothing about her. You feel unappreciated, disrespected, and unloved, and you're more liable to get angry and project and deflect and react and minimize her experience because you don't want to acknowledge that you feel unappreciated, disrespected, and unloved. That's what needs to be worked through with you. That's what you're not taking ownership of. That's what you're not seeing. Okay? And it's the same thing that I said that I didn't see because I wasn't— self-awareness wasn't something that I was, was a part of my daily practice, right? Emotional intelligence, self-awareness, self-control, introspection. These, these weren't things that I did. Okay? So again, now let's move on to the next step. Next step is step 4, empathize and seek to understand. You guys are just joining me, right? Type step 4 in the comments, right? Type step 4 in the comments if you're just joining me. Step 4 is empathize and seek to understand. Now, this is also a time that you remove your ego and emotion. Okay? So this is where you reflect back to your wife the reason you think she's upset in the form of a question. Hey honey, I, what I'm hearing is that you feel like, I'm not respecting our dinnertime together. Is this true? So what is that? That's, that's x-ray vision. I can see from someone else's perspective why they're upset. And I'm not telling them how to feel. I'm basically trying to figure out, I'm trying to learn. This is going to build trust. Empathy is the bridge to intimacy. Remember that, guys. Empathy is the bridge to intimacy. And thanks for all you guys typing step 4 there. I love you guys for joining me and thanks for all the questions you ask. And again, guys, if you have any more questions, please write up step 1, 2, and 3. Heather, where step 1 was activating event, so it was the trigger. Step 2 was pause and step 3 was digest and reflect. And step 4 is empathize and seek to understand that we're going to move on to step 5. Now, If you haven't, um, been here for this live video, again, you guys, you can go into inside the link in my bio and download this. This is called the Downshift Technique. And again, all my free resources are available in there. Okay, so again, this is where you reflect. So this shows that you're making an attempt to understand her feelings and to make her feel seen and heard. Okay, that's compassion. That's compassion. And I'm going to tell you right now, that's powerful when you can show compassion instead of what I'm fucking here at 8. What's the problem? I already told you it's hard for me to leave the office and be here on time, right? That's not compassion. That shows that I need to be right. I need to prove myself. I need to defend myself. That's all ego. Okay, so I also want to ask myself Here's a powerful question. Is being here with my wife on time for dinner important to me? Yeah, it is. Actually, it is. Okay. Now that I've removed my ego and emotion, maybe I'm realizing that maybe I should be grateful for the fact that she's holding me accountable to something in my life that I've already decided is important. And maybe I don't have healthy boundaries with work, and I'm getting reactive at the fact that I knew walking in the door I was late, and I knew that I fucked up but didn't have the capacity to own that. And maybe, right, she's reacting because she's feeling disrespected at the fact that she feels that I don't honor that time. So So it's an opportunity for me to let her know that, hey, I do appreciate this time together, honey. And look at me, look at me, look at me in my eyes. I do appreciate this time. And I apologize. I want to make a better effort to have better boundaries with work. And I appreciate you making dinner. I do. Right? Why? Because if she's getting reactive, that shows that she cares. Now, if your spouse is not receptive, if they're rigid, if they're not malleable, if they're not open-minded, if they're not in the process of wanting to work this out with you, then you really got to ask yourself, right, is it going to work? Because there gets to be a certain place in time, right, certain place in time in your relationship where if the other person wants to make you the scapegoat and they want to just constantly— it's like it's nothing you do is ever good enough. Then obviously you're at that position. Now, many, many people in my program have been in the position where their marriage was over. I've had guys just last week, a guy, he split up with his wife. He was living in a hotel. 2 weeks into my program, he was back in the, in the house with his wife. And his wife sent us a message, actually on TikTok and said, hey, Um, this program has literally changed his life in 2 weeks. He's a completely different person and I can't believe it. I'm shocked. So what I wanna say is sometimes you think it's over, but it's not. Okay. So let's move on to step 5. Step 4 was empathize and seek to understand. Now, what is step 5? Step 5 is apologize and appreciate. Okay. This is where you take ownership of your part and you tell her how much you appreciate her. You make her feel like she won. And again, back to my topic here was how to win every argument with your spouse. How do you win every argument with your spouse is not by winning. It's by making the other person feel like they're an equal. Okay, this means taking ownership of your behavior, telling her that she's right. Hey, you're right. You're right. It's not okay that I'm home on time and I agreed with you that I'd be home at this time. And I know our dinner time is important to you. And I know that's why you're getting upset, and it is important to me too, and I apologize, without making an excuse for my apology, without saying, yeah, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't get so upset. I'm sorry, but you have to understand that I'm— no, that I don't need to make an excuse. And to top this off, also share your appreciation for her, right? Validate her, show your appreciation. The fact that you appreciate that she wouldn't get upset if it didn't truly matter to her. Right? If you guys are understanding this, right, and you're, and you're with me, type step 5 in the comments. So this truly allows you to win because it makes your wife feel loved. It makes her feel secure. It makes her feel like you empathize with her, that you see things from her perspective, that she's not alone, isolated in her own experience. Let me tell you right now, you do this with your wife, You're going to have the best sex life. You're going to have amazing intimacy in your marriage. You're going to have romance. She's going to look at you like you're a hero, like you're her knight in shining armor, which she should look at you like that. And let me tell you right now, she used to look at you like that because she wouldn't have married you if that wasn't the case. I digress. Now, this really allows you to win and comes at zero expense to you other than your own ego. So the only thing you're sacrificing here is your ego and wanting to be right, right? And I know I've been in that position before, and that's why I speak about this, because I'm so passionate about helping guys, right, become multi-dimensional, become healthy, become better communicators, right? Learn to truly love themselves so they can learn to love others and accept that other people want their love. A lot of you guys, right— Julian says, how do you remove ego? It's much easier said than done. Honestly, brother, It's by understanding that I don't always need to be right. I don't always need to prove my point. I don't always need to be bigger and better than somebody else. I can, I can execute some humility in my relationships. I can show empathy, right? Yeah. Ego. Once you have awareness that your ego is involved, your ego would dissolve. Your ego will just disappear. So again, this makes your wife feel seen and heard and makes her trust and trust you and know that you're available for her to share her feelings with you. Got a guy here says, uh, wife got angry because I used her sponge in the shower. How do I fix this? I love it, bro. Quality problems. Cadillac problems, man. Um, so don't try to fix her, okay? Or offer her your solutions. Okay, a lot of times men, we wanna fix the problem. We wanna offer solutions. We wanna give her our solutions about how she should feel and what she should do and how she should think. And yeah, I wouldn't. Rick James says, "Don't use the sponge." So now again, don't try to fix, just listen, be the last to speak. And if you talk to any successful businessmen, they never enter a board meeting, they never enter a business meeting, and they're never the first to speak. They let everybody else talk first and they listen. And I'm going to tell you right now, a lot of you guys don't realize that you can solve, right? You can solve these issues in the very beginning stage just by your body language and just doing one of these. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So you can say, you, you can exhibit, right? It's called active listening skills. Active listening skills. Okay, I see that. How many times is your wife saying something and you're already thinking about your rebuttal? You're already thinking, that's ego, that's ego, that's not being stoic. Okay, now You're the last to speak, which means at this time I share with my wife how being home on time is important for me, but that— but being scolded about it makes me feel unloved, unappreciated, and disrespected. Okay, now this is, this is the spot. You're not the first to speak and dump how you feel. You, you let it happen first. You let her talk. You validate, you empathize. You seek to understand. Okay, so let's go through this again. Let's do a recap. Step 1 was activating event. This is the trigger. Something happens. You walk in, your wife says, why are you late? And you immediately— you had a long day. You immediately feel that volcano rising, right? This is where you pause. It's like stubbing your toe on the edge of the couch. You want to scream, you want to be like, fuck, but you hold it in. You hold it in, you breathe. You digest, you reflect. Why am I triggered by this? It's because I feel unappreciated. Okay, not because my wife— that's being a victim, that's blaming your wife. We don't do that. We take ownership for how we feel. Number 4, we empathize and seek to understand. If I feel disrespected, well then how does my wife feel by me being late? Probably the same way. Okay, so let me look at it from her perspective. She's been home all day with the kids. I don't know what her days look like. Let me stop assuming, right, that my day here exceeds her day. Okay, now step 5: apologize and appreciate. Okay, apologize without an excuse and show appreciation. Now let me tell you right now, this is easier said than done. If you guys want to learn this and practice this, I highly encourage you to go inside the link in my bio and download this. It's called the Downshift Technique. Okay, now what did I tell you guys? I said that empathy is the bridge to intimacy, right? Empathy is the bridge to intimacy. So validation is the act of helping someone feel seen, heard, and understood. And when your spouse comes to you to share their feelings, it's genuinely listening and experiencing the moment with them. It's showing interest in what they have to say. It's, it's, guys, it's valuing their emotions, valuing their emotions. Do you value her emotions? Do you value her words? Do you value her thoughts? Do you do that? Right? I love that. Thank you, Julian. Do you do that? Okay. Often when we share our feelings, we aren't seeking advice. Okay, we're seeking validation. When your wife shares her feelings, she's not seeking advice. She's seeking validation. She's seeking validation. So we want to know that what we feel is valid. Okay, she wants to know that how she feels is valid, and that her thoughts have worth. Okay, now I've read a lot of literature and obviously in the clinical setting, as will these techniques work? Absolutely, brother, the techniques will absolutely work because here's the thing, even if the relationship is ending and you want to end up in a healthy relationship, um, Sarah, I already went over that validation. If you'd like to learn more about that, please download the guide. The validation is basically you need to empathize with somebody and you need to learn to, okay, so it sounds like you're feeling upset because of this. Is that true? It's like, can you reflect back to them what it is that you think you're hearing? Because a lot of times you make an assumption about what you hear. And here's the problem: you don't believe your spouse. You don't trust them. You think that they're trying to manipulate you. And for a lot of you guys that have been manipulated many, many times, many, many times, you have to— if the person is working on themselves— be open to understanding that they're— don't confuse their empathy with manipulation. Okay, so Here's a declaration for you guys. Let me ask you guys, can— do you believe this? Okay, now I can use empathy to spark intimacy. Do you guys believe that? You guys believe that you can use empathy to spark intimacy? Let me tell you right now, try it, try it, try using empathy to spark intimacy. Now I'll tell you right now, all my clients that are all in my private program All of them. The marriages are getting better because why? They're getting better. They're becoming a better version of themselves. And let me tell you right now, when you're not living at your full potential, you take it out on everybody around you because you have to live in immense amounts of denial about the fact that, you know, you're not what? Living at your full potential. Because I know when I wasn't living at my full potential, all my shit bled out on everybody around me. It affected everybody around me. So what am I saying right now? When you're not living at your full potential, guys, you're going to project that on people around you. So a lot of stuff, right? Good stuff, brother. I appreciate you, man. Thanks for coming on. So guys, I want to say this right now. A lot of you guys, you're not living at your full potential. So these men in my program, as we start to dial in their life, their thoughts, their mind, right, the way they process information, their mindset, the way they— like, when we get them involved in some cognitive behavioral therapy, when we get them right, when we get their mind processing information differently, when we teach them how to empathize, seek to understand, stop, pause, become stoic, not react, right? All these techniques that we teach inside our program. Okay. Also when we work on their mode, right? Their emotional state, right? How are they feeling every day? Right? What's making them feel the way they are, right? When we dial in these areas of their life, also their model, their behavior, their conduct, their character, what they're modeling for their kids, right? How about, their mission, right? Alignment with their purpose, right? A lot of these guys have self-destructive behaviors just like I did, right? But it's important that you have to remove those things from your life. Okay? When you know, when you know, okay, when you know that you're not living, okay, at your full potential, then you're going to take this out on people around you. And I'm sorry, that's, that's the sad truth. Now Julian says, every man needs to watch that free training in the bio. Yeah, guys, if you haven't checked out the free training, go check it out. We talk a lot more about this stuff. Again, you can find all the links in my bio to all— anything that's in the bio, guys, please take advantage of it. I made this stuff to help you guys, to just provide value to you guys. It's my passion to help people. Okay? It's my life's calling. It's my mission. Again, so, um, it's possible, right? Absolutely, it's possible. And, uh, we have a couple gentlemen, a couple gentlemen on here that have said, uh, now add Jesus in your speech and you're perfect. Absolutely. God is absolutely the crux, the crux of everything we do, right? The backbone of everything we do. So absolutely. That, that's a huge part of it, right? Putting God at the center of your relationship is crucial, guys. That's very important, very important piece. I'm glad you brought that up, brother. Um, so again, guys, you can use empathy to spark intimacy. Empathy is the bridge to intimacy. Okay? So again, guys, if you're interested in learning more about this 5-step process, please go check out the guide in my bio. And again, guys, thanks for joining me. Don't forget, if you haven't joined our Facebook group, our free Facebook group, that's also available to you. You can find the link to that in my bio as well. Alright guys, love and respect. I hope you guys enjoyed this. I hope you got some value