Tim Arrigo talks about emotional accountability in marriage and how to tell the difference between a trigger and an opportunity for growth. He argues that using work as an escape keeps you from being present with your partner and addressing the unresolved issues underneath your reactions.
Do you want to know why your wife feels powerless? It's because she's in an emotional prison. And see, you hold the keys. Your wife is bound to dealing with the emotional impact and consequences of all of the unresolved issues that you refuse to face. And until you face what's going on within you, your wife is going to continue to be the collateral damage. You and I both know that you have things in your life that operate in your life without your permission, without your consent. See, all the relationship does, brother, is it just brings out those parts of you that are unresolved, that you haven't faced. And they say time heals all wounds, but time won't heal what you won't face. Believe me, I know. Believe me, I know what it's like to think to myself, man, I've gotten over those things. They don't affect me anymore. I don't even think about them anymore. But here's the reality, brother. You don't have to think about something for it to still affect you. Look at your behavior. Look at your relationship. Look at the way you deal with your emotions. Look at the way you manage conflict. Look at the way you treat yourself. Look at the emotions that you wake up in every day. And there isn't enough work that you could ever do in the day that could allow you to escape that, because that's why work has been your number one focus, because it's been your escape. It hasn't allowed you to be fully present. And isn't it crazy when you're so desperate, so desperate for an emotional connection with somebody, but yet you're not even sure what unconditional love looks like when it's right in front of you. So terrified of unconditional love because of what that requires from you. See, it requires a different version of you. Not the version of you that you use with your employees, not the version of you that you use in your business. It requires a different version of you. You just step into a new version of yourself. The centered, grounded, fully present, attuned version. If you were to sit back and just observe and watch your wife and just watch her walk around the home, if I was to ask you, hey, what is your wife thinking and feeling right now? Would you be able to answer that? What is your wife thinking and feeling right now? Would you be able to answer that? See, here's the reality, man. You spend so much time disconnected from you that you can't connect to others because the only way that you're going to ever be able to understand what your wife thinks and feels is when you understand that within you, within how you think, how you feel, and how that impacts your life. Every little thing that you guys get in arguments about, the triggers in your life, brother, it's not a trigger, it's an opportunity. Is it a trigger or is it an opportunity? An opportunity to work on something that already existed within you, because all the triggers are doing is they're just exacerbating and bringing to light all the things that you've been running from for a lifetime.
