Tim Arrigo walks through a counseling session where a client's anxiety about custody battle reveals something useful: the anxiety signals caring. Arrigo argues emotions aren't good or bad until you decide what they mean. His "3 C's" framework—confidence, composure, control—emerge from accepting uncomfortable feelings instead of fighting them.
You know, so I'm talking to a client the other day and he says to me, I'm really anxious. And I said, what are you anxious about? He said, I'm going to court next month and I'm fighting for custody for my daughter and I might potentially lose custody of her next month. And I said, okay, so what if I told you that your problem wasn't the anxiety, but it was the way that you were thinking about the anxiety? Because here's the thing, guys, a lot of us have this problem. The problem isn't what we're feeling. It's the way we're thinking about how we're feeling. Let me explain. So I said, what is the anxiety telling you? And he thought about it. He said, uh, I mean, I don't know that, uh, that I'm worried. I said, yeah, that you're worried. And I said, what is being worried telling you? And he thought about it and he said, I don't know, man. I'm kind of stumped. And I said, okay, let me help you out. Being worried tells you that you care, right? I said, if you didn't care about losing custody of your daughter next month, you wouldn't be anxious, correct? He said, yeah, that's true. And I said, okay, so let me ask you this. What is being reminded that you care of losing custody of your daughter next month, being reminded of that via the anxiety, doing for you? And he thought about it. And he said, well, that's helping me, you know, not self-sabotage or do something self-destructive between now and the court date so that I definitely lose custody. And I said, right. So the anxiety actually serves a purpose. It's keeping you on point between now and the court date so you don't potentially lose custody. The anxiety is not a negative thing. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it's bad for you. Just like just because it feels good doesn't mean it's good for you. A lot of us should know that by now. And he said, sat back and his mind was blown. And he was totally fine with the anxiety after that because the problem with it wasn't the anxiety. The problem is that he was thinking the anxiety was a negative thing that he needed to get rid of, and that was a bad emotion. And see, that's the problem with a lot of us. We think negatively about the way we feel. See, the problem is not the emotion, it's the way that you think about it. And when you develop a different relationship and develop radical acceptance, which I teach all my clients how to practice, the radical acceptance over these emotions, you start to learn how to do 3 things. I call them the 3 C's: develop confidence, composure, and control. Let me tell you right now, having confidence, composure, and control is going to make sure that you stay in a place that you don't self-destruct and sabotage. And it allows you to look at your emotions differently so that you always feel a sense of composure, confidence, and control in any area of your life. And having those 3 qualities is going to make you a better leader, a better business person, better in relationships, and better in every area of your personal life.
